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My Bloody Friday the 13th Matchmaker Dating Game

February 13th, 2015 by unkle lancifer · 3 Comments

What a special weekend this is going to be, today is Friday the 13th and tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I was thinking about doing a post about great horror romances but then I remembered we already did THAT so now you’re stuck with this mess. Since today is a day for horror and tomorrow is a day for love I thought I’d do some matchmaking for our beloved horror icons. I know that sounds dumb but don’t you feel sorry for our horror pals who spend so much time alone with so little to do between murders? I know I do and so I’m setting them all up on dates. This is me as horror matchmaker…

Freddy Krueger and Angela of NIGHT OF THE DEMONS

These two have the same wicked sense of humor and both have been known to transform into giant snakes. How could they not get along?

Michael Myers and Angela Baker of SLEEPAWAY CAMP

These two could bond over their traumatic childhoods and I’m convinced Angela is just the jolt of outgoing enthusiasm that Mike needs to break out of his shell.

Leatherface and Annie Wilkes

They both share a down home country aesthetic and are known to grunt like pigs. Plus they can trade clothes.

Carrie White and Jason Voorhees

I’m setting Carrie up specifically with PART 2’s depiction of sensitive “baghead” Jason. She is bound to accept him just the way he is and they both understand the pain of not fitting in. I know that Jason famously does not get along with telepathic Tina in PART 7: THE NEW BLOOD but did you ever stop to consider that it could be because she reminds him of his true love Carrie?

THE THING and THE BLOB

They are adorable together. I have faith that THE THING is patient enough to look past THE BLOB’s tendency towards attention seeking. Aw, just think of the squishy possibly crab legged babies! A match truly made in heaven (as in outer space).

Pinhead and Baby Firefly

He’s snooty and she’s tooty fruity but in the words of MC Skatcat, opposites attract! It’s like Dharma and Greg but with likable characters!

PHANTASM’s “Tall Man” and Tangina from POLTERGEIST

I know, she’s not an evil killing machine like all of our other contestants but somebody’s gotta help her reach things on high shelves.

Dolly Dearest and Fats from MAGIC (1978)

I was going to set up Dolly with Chucky from CHILD’S PLAY until I remembered that he was spoken for. I don’t want to get on Tiffany’s bad side.

Rumpelstiltskin and that wooden guy “Morty” from THE FEAR (1995)

This list is getting a little too heterocentric for my tastes so now I’m outing these two. Look for the new reality show “Rumpelstitskin Loves Morty” on Bravo soon.

The walnut heads of DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK and THE BOOGENS

In addition to all of the above I also recommend with my incredible expertise in matchmaking that all of the tiny walnut head creatures from DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK should get married to all of the Boogens. I don’t have the time or the inclination to pair ‘em all up individually so if you are a walnut head, please just grab the closest Boogen that strikes your fancy and roll the dice. Love is a many splendored thing.

Tags: Holidays




3 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Tim TylorNo Gravatar // Feb 13, 2015 at 2:03 pm

    In the arthouse-horror district I like to imagine a romantic joining of the titular cursed items of The Jar and Deathbed The Bed That Eats. (Two movies I enjoyed, sorry to say, for entirely the wrong reasons.)

  • 2 Matt SunshineNo Gravatar // Feb 13, 2015 at 3:59 pm

    This was pretty funny. I miss stuff like this and the funhouse, etc.

  • 3 The Real CieNo Gravatar // Mar 2, 2015 at 2:25 am

    Nice ships!

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