Kindertrauma Funhouse
Heart Eyes
A part of me wishes that the entire planet blew up while I was watching HEART EYES to insure that I died happy and doing what I loved most. It’s no secret I love slasher movies and there’s a special fluffy space in my heart for a holiday slasher that I can count on to view annually. If said movie also sports likable characters, grisly kills, a morbid sense of humor and clear genuine respect for its early eighties predecessors then I’m in the cloud nine zone. Director Josh Rubin (WEREWOLVES WITHIN)’s HEART EYES gets exactly everything right in my book. It’s tons of fun, laugh out loud funny and delightfully vicious. It moves at a perpetual gallop, has a plethora of twists and turns and glides by dispensing impressive quantities of both mirth and mayhem. It also works very well as a frothy rom-com with both Olivia Holt (TOTALLY KILLER) and Mason Gooding (SCREAMS 5&6) delivering charming, pitch-perfect performances. I’m telling you, I actually missed this movie when it was over. I hated to say goodbye. Returning to the drudgery of reality was dreadful so I stopped at a bar on the way home just to ease my entertainment withdrawal.
An opening news footage montage (shades of MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D (2009) ) informs that the “Heart Eye Killer” (aka “HEK”) has been terrorizing cities (including Philly, yay) for the last couple years on Valentines Day. The masked murderer with literal heart eyes that glow has a penchant for singling out couples in love. Currently he seems to have settled on Seattle for his hunting grounds. Enter Ally (Holt, adorable) a recently dumped quip-ready misanthrope who works in advertising and is forced by her boss Crystal (scene stealing Michaela Watkins) to teem up with designer Jay Simmons (Gooding, also adorable) to brainstorm a more positive angle for selling their product. Ally and Jay butt heads as expected but when the grousing non-couple bump into Ally’s ex boyfriend, she kisses Jay passionately in order to save face. Unfortunately, this action is viewed by you guessed it, ol’ Heart Eyes and soon the bickering duo are number one in the maniac’s crosshairs. Things get further complicated when a couple of police officers named Hobbs and Shaw (Devon Sawa and Jordan Brewster, both outstanding and aging like fine wine) begin to suspect that Jay is actually the killer!
HEART EYES was written by Phillip Murphy with I’m thinking a strong assist from comedy-horror veterans Christopher Landon and Michael Kennedy (FREAKY, IT’S A WONDERFUL KNIFE, HAPPY DEATH DAY et al). Obviously, comedy is subjective so I can’t promise everyone will find this movie as hilarious as I did (I sometimes fear I’m living in INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS and I’m the last soul with a sense of humor) but it hit yours truly directly on the funny bone and made me laugh out loud frequently. And I have to say, the chemistry between the two leads is exceptional. Honestly, I barely noticed Gooding in the SCREAM flicks but he potently charms here and Holt is wonderfully wry and effervescent. Impressively, the rom-com undercurrent bubbles like champagne without flattening the savagery of the slasher elements in any way; it’s like they’re perfectly married. As far as I’m concerned, HEART EYES is a keeper across the board. It skillfully fulfills its duty as a body count flick with memorably sadistic kills while delivering some of the most engaging characters I’ve encountered in a while (Can’t add more on that front without spoiling). If you dig slashers, horror or just pure escapism I highly recommend you see this gem in theaters. It filled my heart fully and is there any better recommendation than the fact that this devout shut-in cheapskate plans to see it again tomorrow?
Kindertrauma Funhouse
Traumafession:: Unk on The Hills Have Eyes ('77)
After seventeen plus years you’d think I would have relayed all of my childhood kindertraumas by now but it seems there’s always yet another gremlin hiding under the bed. Once upon a time, in the land of wood paneling and shag carpet the color of guacamole, the standard family had a giant crate sized TV with an extendable antennae that when fiddled with precisely offered there major networks, one mostly boring public channel and most importantly, around three local UHF stations (there was also likely a scrambled porn station but we won’t get into that here). Having moved about the country with my family a bit I feel I can say from experience that Philadelphia had exceptional UHF channels that I’ll always be indebted to in the the form of channels 17, 29 and perhaps particularly, 48. These channels for the most part showed cartoons during the day, sitcom repeats during the dinner hour, dramas and detective shows in the evening and then late night became a wild free-for-all of thrillers , science fiction and horror. This is how I first came across horror master Wes Craven’s sophomore effort THE HILLS HAVE EYES. How could anyone turn the channel on a title like that?
THE HILLS HAVE EYES as I’m sure you all well know, involves a nice normal family named the Carters (which includes genre queen Dee Wallace) who along with their two dogs (Beauty & Beast) are traveling with an awesome towed trailer through the Nevada desert to vacation in San Diego. They foolishly decide to take advice from an obviously loony geezer and take a more “scenic” route to their destination and find themselves stranded and hunted down by a terrifying counterpart clan of cannibalistic savages the scariest of whom is named Pluto (the great Michael Berryman). The two groups battle it out for survival and dominance and we’re left wondering just how thin the line between the so-called civilized and the uncivilized actually is. One thing is left crystal clear, if the Carters wish to have any chance of living, they'll have to fight on the same feral level as their foes.
As a kid, I found so much relatable within this mesmerizing movie, in fact, it still resembles a vague memory of my youth. All of the earthy colors, the familiar family dynamics, the evergreen awesome seventies attire, the covet worthy vehicle, the way it all mirrored so many popular fairy tales and the fact that canines played major roles as valued family members, all appealed to me. Long before Freddy Krueger was even a mere glint in his father Wes’ eye, lumbering, giant, bald headed, sunken-eyed Pluto stalked my nightmares. As much a this movie freaked me out to my core (especially when it involves a kidnapped baby threatened to be cooked and eaten by a witch equivalent) it also thrilled me to no end. Much like RACE WITH THE DEVIL (’75) another road movie involving bad decisions and comfy means of transport, it was always an adrenaline rush to see it listed in the TV GUIDE and I was lucky enough to catch it multiple times. I’m in agreement with anyone who points out that the 2006 remake is superior (how often does that happen) but HILLS ('77) will always have a special place in my horror loving heart.
The Wolf Man (2025) & Presence
There’s much to admire about Leigh Whannell’s (perhaps too) tasteful take on THE WOLF MAN but while nobly attempting to bring something fresh to the lycanthrope table it gets a bit lost in the woods and sadly doesn’t quite scratch the werewolf itch. This movie boasts a thoughtful, script, sincere performances (Christopher Abbot, Julia Garner & Matilda Firth are all great), at least one nerve shredding set piece (cleverly involving a slash-ready greenhouse), and plenty of heart but strays so far from its source inspiration that it muffles its howl and comes off almost sheepish. If it was say, a remake of THE BEAST WITHIN (’82), I’d be plenty satisfied, but it’s not and I feel like I didn’t get my proper dose of werewolf. Do I need more fur on my werewolf tale? Yes, I think so. I did appreciate that it offers a singular view of what it might be like to slowly loose your humanity and how its clear commitment to its characters sparks a romantic tragedy that nicely mirrors Cronenberg’s THE FLY. It makes absolute sense that after the successful THE INVISIBLE MAN that a similar counter intuitive approach be taken here but as my grandmother always said “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander but what’s good for the invisible man may not be good for the wolf man” or something to that effect.
There’s a key part of the film in which a moving van careens off of the road, crashes down an embankment and lands teetering in a tree threatening to smash down twenty feet below and possibly splatter someone. The escape of all involved is tense and anxiety inducing but the van fails to fall. Much later we return to the scene (this flick has a flair for callbacks) and so the van has a second chance to flatten someone but still never does. And I feel like that’s a good illustration of the movie in general. It’s packed like a moving van full of, interesting ideas, it absolutely puts you in a state of tense, unease for much of its runtime but it never seems to deliver its full potential impact. I’d say it’s still worth checking out and I’ll leave room for it to grow on me but for the most part, in the case of THE WOLF MAN I may be an old dog weary of new tricks (and less fantastic creature design).
Impressively eclectic Steven Soderberg’s persistently puzzling PRESENCE offers a unique, literally haunting experience that’s both fascinating and disquieting. It may disappoint viewers looking for violence and wall to wall scares but those who enjoy the subtle and mysterious will be richly rewarded. Written by reliable David Koep ( DEATH BECOMES HER, STIR OF ECHOES) the film basically puts the viewer in the position of an ambiguous entity in a gorgeous house privy to goings on both mundane and eventually shocking. Lucy Liu and Chris Sulivan portray parents who move into a dream home with their teenage children, outgoing athletic son Tyler (Eddy Madday) and sensitive outsider daughter Chloe (Callina Lang). The unknown ghostly entity is especially drawn to Chloe who is mourning the loss of a friend who recently died of a drug overdose and we eventually come to understand that its interest is more protective than predatory (once, I finally assembled the pieces I got the always welcome gift of serious goosebumps). This is a movie that requires some patience but it has one humdinger of a twist that retroactively makes many of its small details become monumental (and even moving) in retrospect. Not a flick for a Friday party but absolutely perfect for a rainy afternoon indoors.
Satan's Blade ('84)
Here I am, after shrugging off a few of the most highly regarded films of the past year to sing the praises of a rickety, shoddily hobbled together would-be supernatural slasher from 1984 called ….SATAN’S BLADE. Writer/Director L. Scott Castillo Jr.’s stab at a FRIDAY THE 13th -style body count flick is stuffed with bad acting, questionable dialogue, wall to wall cliches and clunky set-pieces and yet I found it highly entertaining. The snowy setting and woodsy eighties decor is like comforting visual hot cocoa to me ( it’s giving SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT meets DEVIL TIMES FIVE) and the actors though amateurish, are dressed in the finest outfits the decade had to offer. We’re almost edging toward a ski comedy here which is my second favorite genre after horror (HOT DOG…THE MOVIE, SKI PATROL, SKI SCHOOL 1&2, all gems). Surprising, this forgotten wonder even has a nightmare dream sequence dipped in crazy filters and an impressively hideous make-up job that's truly unsettling. If the whole film matched this scene's otherworldly creepiness you’d have an art house staple. Instead, you get some dishwater dull relationship filler to bide your time with before the heads roll. Oh, well.
We start off with an unconvincing bank robbery and some hastily added nudity to satisfy distributors. Then we meet two couples on a weekend winter outing in Big Bear to celebrate a recent graduation from law school. At the lodge’s reception desk the gang bangs into a gaggle of girls who will be staying in a next door cabin where a few murders took place the night before (!) and an oldster with a broken arm who warns of a curse on the joint. Pranks, jealousies, gossiping, foreboding fishermen, pizza, whiskey a love triangle and multiple murders follow. It’s all very by the book (and Borderline SCOOBY DOO) with a final twist shocking revelation of the killer/culprit and an epilogue promising/threatening more of the same and even an awkward pre-credits coda proclaiming “The Legend Continues!”
Where has this movie been all my life? Right in front of my face. Truth is, I always foolishly avoided SATAN’S BLADE due to its vague and misleading VHS art which made me think it was some repackaged sword and sorcery flick. Plus, back in the day a rule of thumb I went by was to never make the mistake of renting a big box tape with no images of the actual movie on the back. Oh how many times I was burned! It’s OK though, I like to think movies come into your life when they are supposed to. It’s likely if I watched SATAN’S BLADE earlier I may not have appreciated its charming inadequacies at all. If you happen to dig zero budget homemade backyard horror and a wintry atmosphere this one is worth hunting down (Careful though, the version on YouTube is aggressively edited and missing full scenes). Its not by any means a good movie but it’s odd enough to always be interesting and although flaws abound it’s a hoot and a half and a rather cozy concentration-free early eighties time capsule.
In Memoriam:: David Lynch
Flags fly at half mass today at Kindertrauma Castle as we have lost one of the true greats, the incredible David Lynch. The world is a lesser place for sure and it’s easily said that there will never ever be any one like him again. We’re all luckily to have lived in the same time period as him and to enjoy the riches of watching him explore his singular vision over the years. He has left us with so many great works of art from paintings, to film and to extraordinary television. As a trauma-monger, let me say, nobody has ever scared me right down to the core like Lynch! Bob in TWIN PEAKS! Defoe (and Fenn) in WILD AT HEART! Blake in LOST HIGHWAY! Hopper in BLUE VELVET! That alley ghoul in MULHOLLAND DRIVE! Lynch really knew exactly the button to push in me to make me feel like I was in mortal danger and/or losing my mind. And then on top of that he was hilarious! So funny and so loved and so admired by seemingly everyone he collaborated with and supported. What an all around great guy and incredible artist and the epitome of never selling out and proof you don’t have to be a jerk to be successful. R.I.P KIng, and endless thanks for all your extraordinary work.
Unk's Year of Horror: 2024
I won't beat around the bush, Coralie Fargeat’s THE SUBSTANCE was by far my favorite film of 2024 and that’s that. This colorful, sometimes humorous film put me through an emotional ringer and the gooey special effects laden conclusion rocked me in ways I haven’t been rocked in literal decades. Demi Moore delivers a career defining tour de force performance and deserves to be pelted with laurels wherever she goes forever. I’ve heard some say the messaging was a bit on the nose but I for one appreciate the clarity. Yes, the entertainment industry is especially cruel to woman in regards to unrealistic beauty standards but the horror of aging confronted in this film is universal if you hang around on this spinning ball of nonsense long enough. This crazy, sad, gorgeous, disgusting, vibrant film left my jaw on the floor where it belongs and I can’t shake its slimy paw hard enough.
Robert Egger’s NOSFERATU is so cheerless, morose, hopeless and depressing that I publicly accuse it of reading my diary. It’s also just absolutely stunning on a visual level and if you have any goth leanings whatsoever it’s gonna float your plague ship. A true work of art stuffed with unforgettable imagery, it also vibrates with what feels like an authentic occult power. This is a perfect match up of subject matter and director and I absolutely love how Eggers utilizes darkness to such incredible effect. All the performances are pitch perfect too; Bill Skarsgard as the titular monster somehow is able to mimic the terrible voice in my head I thought only known to me, Nicholas Hoult is steadily sympathetic and expresses terror perfectly, Aaron Taylor Johnson is fascinatingly broody, Ralph Ineson is his usual stalwart self and chisel cheeked Lily Rose Depp is a revelation in her ability to conjure supernatural hysteria. Most importantly, the cat survives and gets to live with the ever wonderful William DeFoe. This movie reeks of death so of course it left me smitten.
THE FIRST OMEN is so damn good and easily the surprise of the year (second only to my rekindled tolerance of Tim Burton). After the debacle that was THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER, I severely adjusted my expectations considering a modern franchise film being able to add anything of value to its source material (particularly in the case of Satanic seventies movies). Me of little faith! Dare I say THE FIRST OMEN is actually on par with the first classic film? Nell Tiger Free is phenomenal as a tortured would be nun reluctantly unravelling a Satanic conspiracy in seventies era Rome (especially when notably channeling Isabelle Adjani in 1981’s POSSESSION) and once again, the great Ralph Ineson is present to provide his signature awesomeness. Director Arkasha Stevenson delivers the perfect dour, paranoid tone and the scenes of horror push the envelope in surprising ways. Subtle where it needs to be, brazen where it aught to be, this sinister flick delivers a full stand alone experience that also beautifully enhances and compliments its demonic parent movie. Kudos and who’d of thought?
Sure ALIEN: ROMULUS sported the wonkiest CGI effect this side of 1999 (what were those translucent ghost teeth about? I see better deep fakes via Tik Tok on the daily) and the dialogue didn’t need to be so heavy handed on the fan service (pulling direct lines from previous films is just plain lazy) BUT, and this is a big BUT, Fede Alvarez brought back the OG’s sci-fi haunted house vibe, brought back the scares and the ick factor and he brought back characters that you really want to root for (BTW: I LOVE the ALIEN films, it’s really just compromising COVENANT that spurs my ire). I dig the world building here, I adore the level of tension and I greatly appreciate the multitude of creative set pieces. If you can just sneak by a couple of its flaws as if they were sleeping facehuggers, this is one of the most rip-roaring, adrenaline pumping thrill rides in the decades spanning series.
Osgood Perkin's LONGLEGS is a fever dream of unbridled weirdness and I may never fully understand its crazy mash up of serial killer thriller and uncanny supernatural horror but I heartily salute its high flying freak flag. The combination of subliminal, haunting, often nostalgic visuals and the stellar above par performances of BOTH Nicholas Cage and the underrated Alicia Witt (the nearly unrecognizable Maika Monroe and Kieran Shipka are no slouches either) made for an unforgettable deep dive into unnerving madness. Hail Satan!
Director Parker Finn impressively carved SMILE 2 into the perfect grimacing sequel. It’s bigger, bolder and more outrageous than its predecessor and beautifully expands its scope of terror. In a year of really incredible performances in horror (see titles above) triple threat Naomi Scott brings down the house as a multi-talented pop star with a drug problem exasperated by an infectious deadly curse. The film’s spectacular grande finale dispatches a demented smorgasbord of grotesqueries that are somehow equal parts toe-tapping and stomach turning. Bravo!
Girls, and especially vampire girls, just want to have fun and ABIGAIL may not be the type of movie that garners awards but it thankfully delivers a grande old, violent, bloody and sometimes giddy good time. There’s a party atmosphere going on here and the guests are a stacked cast of the genre’s finest (THE GUEST’s Dan Stevens, SCREAM V&VI’s Melissa Berra, Kevin Durand, who also killed it in this year’s KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, FREAKY’s Kathryn Newton, STOKER’s Mathew Goode, MAXXXINE’s Giancarlo Esposito) and Alisha Weir (who also excelled in MATILDA: THE MUSICAL) nails the deadly titular character. I agree that the movie would have been more fun if it was possible to see it without knowing its central twist but I had an absolute blast just the same.
Art the clown (virtuoso David Howard Thornton) has been hacking up the independent horror scene for some time but he really hits his stride and straddles the zeitgeist with TERRIFIER 3, a holiday horrorfest that truly lives up to its name. This feral, repulsive movie put me on edge by making it clear from its unrated, unruly start that it knew no bounds and couldn’t care less about playing by the rules. If you’re not a fan of cinematic violence or gore I’d probably stay clear but if you enjoy testing your mettle and feeling like a whimpering kid wondering how much you can withstand, this winking wild card is for you.
MAXXXINE disappointed seemingly many as a trilogy closing conclusion to Ti West and Mia Goth’s collaborative X and PEARL but I found it to be an enticing stroll on the shadowy, sleazy side of the drenched-in-neon block. I’ve got a soft spot for eighties flavored seedy exploitation flicks like ANGEL, VICE SQUAD and THE EXTERMINATOR, salacious and often scary scours of city night life that have become basically extinct thanks to the Disneyfication of our culture. For me, flaws and missed opportunities aside, this tale of an abrasive gal’s touring of the Boulevard of Broken dreams (while evading The Night Stalker no less) was an appreciated nostalgic treat that brought back fond memories of the joy of naughtily staying up late to watch forbidden fruit on late night cable or renting it on VHS.
A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE scratched my disaster flick itch rigorously, warmed my creature feature loving heart and nicely ditched its nuclear family clan for more relatable and interesting (to me) square peg outsiders (Lupito Nyongo and Joseph Quinn, both excellent). It even features a lovable yet often anxiety stoking feline who clearly has more than nine lives to play with. Oh, if only the world would end on such a spectacular and less plodding note! Fingers (and beans) crossed!
FRESH VOICES: I thoroughly enjoyed spry squad IT’S WHATS INSIDE, CUCKOO and I SAW THE TV GLOW even though all three made me feel old as hell and maybe not so bright. IT’S WHATS INSIDE is an identity Rubik’s cube that I probably could have used a pad and paper to keep track of but once I got a handle on its language it turned into a challenging and ultimately satisfying CLUE-like old dark house mystery flick. The aptly titled CUCKOO dips Kubrickian chocolate into Cronenberg peanut butter and although I may never fully decipher its Orphan Annie on acid code ring, I dug its gorgeous setting, flashes of razor sharp horror and the incredible performances of Hunter Schafer and the impeccable Dan Stevens- that rare character actor with a leading man’s face. In my head I SAW THE TV GLOW leans more towards coming of age flick than horror (moon face dude and ice cream man are legit scary though) but its florescent visual poetry is stunning, its media addicted characters are relatable and its consistent disquiet vibe is genuinely entrancing.
THRILL ME, LUNATICS!: I got to the point last summer when I believed if I saw the trailer for SPEAK NO EVIL one more time, I too might lose my mind and go full blown postal. Still, James (yikes, EDEN LAKE) Watkins’ tight, taunt thriller about the dangers of keeping up appearances and not knowing when to cut your losses is a true nail biter and nobody but nobody does crazy like James McAvoy. Religion dissecting HERETIC leans toward the preachy itself and its second half doesn’t quite measure up to the first but the gift horse of an evil Hugh Grant should not be looked at in the mouth. NIGHT BITCH defies categorization yet this tale of a disgruntled house wife (an impressively fearless and award worthy Amy Adams) who is either going bonkers or transforming into a dog has enough body horror and borderline Lycanthropy in its kibble to certainly be considered horror adjacent. Surprisingly, for all its foaming at the mouth, it ends up being surprising poignant and inspirational in the (tail) end!
DECENT ENOUGH BUT NOT MY BAG: My Satanic seventies loving heart was really looking forward to LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL but although I loved the set up and the always great David Dastmalchian’s superb performance, the somewhat silly fireworks climax and overall broad, cardboard aesthetic left this Faustian tale in the friend zone for me. I found ODDITY to be objectively atmospheric and spooky at times but thought the story was mundane and that the character’s behavior (and that too convenient trapdoor) were pretty unconvincing. On paper (and in my Trapper Keeper), the Kathryn Newton starring, Diablo Cody-penned, zombie teen romance LISA FRANKENSTEIN should have been right up my fluorescent eighties alley but it lost much of its steam when it killed off its best character (Carla Gugino’s step-monster) early on and the humor never really clicked for me (which is strange since I think Cody’s YOUNG ADULT (2011) is hysterical). I’ve seen these three flicks (especially the first two) on many a “Best of the Year” list so I’m assuming the problem is me and that’s fine. .
THE UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS: No ill will intended but I found both M. Night Shyamalan’s TRAP and Lee Daniel’s THE DELIVERANCE to be so over the top loopy that they were unintentional laugh riots. They may not be well structured films but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t left, for better or worse, entertained. Josh Hartnett is phenomenal in TRAP regardless of the clunky material. He’s a real-deal charismatic movie star and TRAP is a solid reminder. Not so great is the preposterous, reality-defying script and anything to do with would-be pop star “Lady Raven” (Seleka Night, kindly taking some heat off of Sophia Coppola’s performance in THE GODFATHER III). Actors carry THE DELIVERANCE past the finish line too, with Glenn Close revealing sides of herself never imagined while receiving solid back up from the likes of Andre Day, Omar Epps and Mo'nique. Unfortunately, the film doesn’t commit to its possession premise till late in the game and when it does, it comes across as pure camp. Again, I’m not mad at either of these movies, they at least never bored me and they still crack me up.
NOPE, THAT AIN'T IT: Fans of THE STRANGERS & its groovy PREY AT NIGHT sequel deserved so much more than the halfhearted montage of nondescript forest stalking scenes the inconsistant Renny Harlin dumped to the curb (and so did the likable enough leads). TAROT wasted some very impressive creature design on a hoary tale with little bite. Slagging Blumhouse delivered an apparent flop trilogy with NIGHT SWIM, IMAGINARY and AFRAID. I only subjected myself to NIGHT SWIM (so far) and didn’t seem to hate it as much as others due to my chronic Wyatt Russell bias.
That’s about it. A pretty great year for horror with at least two future classics/debatable masterpieces (THE SUBSTANCE & NOSFERATU), rare sequels and prequels that actually delivered (THE FIRST OMEN, ALIEN: ROMULUS, SMILE 2, TERRIFIER 3), a few fun popcorn crowd pleasers (ABIGAIL, A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE) and many a singular horror vision (LONGLEGS, TV GLOW, CUCKOO etc.). Now of course, I have not seen everything released in 2024 and nor do I want or plan to. All in all, I’d say the good outweighed the bad by a ton and that’s always reason to sloppily devour shrimp like Dennis Quaid and celebrate. Here’s hoping we have an equally awesome 2025! Pump it up!
Merry Christmas 2024!
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