UNK SEZ: To celebrate the New Year all of today's 11 Funhouse images are from films released (At least in the U.S.) in 2011. How many do you know?
Name That Trauma:: Reader Jack P on Santa Striking Spot with a Spoon
Dear Kindertrauma,
This one is coming all the way from Paris, France! I have been trying to find this movie for ten years now, and it is starting to kill me.
There's a killer Santa in it (at least, I think), which should have made my quest easier but unfortunately hasn't since I've checked all the christmas horror movies I know and still haven't found anything. Anyway, I just remember this one scene.
There's a kid, blonde I think, hiding under a kitchen table with an old telephone, as the killer Santa enters the house. The boy's dog gets killed by the guy with a wooden spoon, while the kid tries to remain silent under the table. Aaaand, that's it. That's all I remember. I've been obsessed with this scene ever since, and I hope you or the Kindertrauma readers will set me free.
Seriously though, it's killing me.
Thanks
!
Traumafessions :: Reader Mike C. on Psycho
When I was a kid I spent a lot of time at my grandparents house in Midwest City OK. PSYCHO had been re-released into theaters about a year before it was to premier on local TV. I recall the previews being morbidly humorous and more terrifying than anything I had previously imagined. When it was to be shown on television there was quite a buzz in the household. My aunt, only a few years older than me, was eager to see it.
When the broadcast came I was declared too young. I was very disappointed and protested that I was indeed old enough to watch this movie. I was probably six years old. My grandpa told me I could watch until I hid my eyes. If I had to hide my eyes then I had to go to bed. The shower scene was awesome, but didn't make me hide my eyes. Arbogast didn't bother me a bit, the scene was too weird to be frightening. But the tour through the Bates house was really giving me the heebie jeebies; by this time I was halfway up the stairs, watching the movie through the bannister rails.
When I met Mrs. Bates it was too damned late. Hiding my eyes wasn't going to help at that point. The epilogue seemed overdone, but I really liked the last scene of Norman and the shot of the car being pulled from the pond. I made it through the whole movie. This was to begin a lifelong devotion to the joys of horror, although I did not sleep well for several years after. I saw the film again recently in a theater, and found it remarkably dated particularly the soundtrack (which I revere) seemed way overwrought. Oh well, I still remember the first viewing fondly.
The Innkeepers (2011)
Though the overall tone is more jovial, THE INKEEPERS is built much like TI WEST's last effort THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL. It's a long sturdy corridor with a dark trap door waiting at the end and if you want your dessert, you're going to have to clean your plate. I doubt this sits well with every horror fan but I appreciate the elbow room on this ride. It's like an old fashioned wooden roller coaster; you may not fear for your life but how can you resist the view? About midway through THE INKEEPERS, I had the weirdest thought ever. I thought that even if the horror never came, even if this movie was just the tale of two co-workers working at an inn that's seen better days, I'd be fine with that. That's how well done WEST's set up is and that's how much I liked the characters. I was all prepared to text the ghosts and tell them not to bother to show up. Dear ghosts, since you're tardy to the party anyway, how's ‘bout we just reschedule?
It's not every day that I prefer living humans to shrieking ghouls. As much as I dug PAT HEALY's turn as aloof slacker Luke and KELLY McGILLIS as an atypical, non-wacky singed on the edges psychic, it's easily saucer-eyed, quirky-dork SARA PAXTON as Claire who runs away with the show entire. She's such a fucking genius that she transforms a short bit about taking a bag of trash to the dumpster into the most brilliant thing I've seen in eons. (Truly, I caught up with several comedies recently and nothing and nobody made me snort out loud like PAXTON.) She'll probably read too waif/adorable for some but I can't remember the last time I viewed a performance so effortlessly egoless and effervescent. PAXTON's Claire is a serious breath of fresh air forgoing heroics and martyrdom for something more akin to Nancy Drew by way of THE GHOST AND MR CHICKEN. Having now met Claire/PAXTON, I feel I can finally get over the death of DON KNOTTS and move on.
If you want to stare into the mouth of hell, have your sensibilities pushed to their limit and be left crawling on all fours fearing for your very soul, this is not your jam but if you're interested in a breezy, semi-spooky good time then you're all set. For me, when WEST finally does decide to trade deliberate abstinence for unbridled ruckus horror, he's not entirely successful. Our ghosts when they do barge in, are mildly mundane. One is wearing a been-there done-that wedding dress and the other is snatched directly from THE SENTINEL. It's an interesting idea to show these guys as starkly and clearly as he does after so much under the table footsie-play but on a gut level I would have preferred them to remain more obtuse and ethereal. I guess that's the minus side of being so adept at orchestrating anticipation, it's hard for the payoff not to be a smidge anticlimactic. That said, it's not the destination but the journey that is relevant and there are certainly enough unnerving moments to recommend THE INKEEPERS particularly to ghost story fans.
THE INKEEPERS is now available on VOD and should see some more theater play come February. It's not the scariest horror flick of the year but I think it's one of the better more entertaining ones anyway. Yes! I'm thinking that horror films have more to offer than just scare value alone! I'm not sure if I like that idea but there it is just sitting in my head. THE INKEEPERS (not unlike HOUSE OF THE DEVIL ) expertly collects apprehension like honey from a hive and I don't think you need to be stung all over the face to sense how sweet and vitalizing it is. Better yet, if a better scene of a person taking a bag of trash out to the dumpster exists anywhere I'll eat my hat and I'll eat yours too. Now, somebody in Hollywood, I need an OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE remake starring SARA PAXTON and EMMA STONE in the can by this time next year; all I'm asking for is a producer credit.
Gone Fishing (?)
UNK SEZ: Happy day after Christmas! Did you know that Kindertrauma has posted every day for the last four years and then some? It's true! So guess what? Aunt John and I have decided to take a break for a bit to go all zen and stare at walls and maybe fish for Humanoids from the deep! Keep sending in your Traumafessions (your stories about what scared you as a kid), keep sending in your Name That Traumas! (your stories about the stuff that scared you as a kid that you don't remember the title of) and please make sure to "like" us on our Facebook page which you can access through that Facebook link to the right! We'll be back!! We promise (unless something horrible happens).
Traumafessions :: Unk on The Little Drummer Boy
A ways back we received a traumafession regarding THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY (HERE)- specifically about the scene where the title character witnesses the horrific murder of his parents. Although personally my heart was filing its nails during that incident, it did break into a zillion Legos during a scene that occurs later in the program.
I am talking about the moment that Baba the lamb is run over by a chariot. I think it may be the worst thing that ever happened in the history of ever and even thinking about it now makes me want throw my computer out the window and scream to the heavens like WESLEY SNIPES in JUNGLE FEVER. To me, Baba's death was more tragic than a 1,000 Bambi's moms. Have you ever seen that Baba guy? He is adorable. Especially when he is dancing around on his little hind lamby legs. Naturally, I'd rather throw myself into a volcano than see something bad happen to Baba.
When you are a kid the time period between when Baba gets plowed down and the point where he is miraculously brought back to life lasts eons. In reality, it takes less than five minutes for the little baby Jesus to conclude that the kid's drum playing (and heart) are decent enough to splash some resurrection mojo on his poor dead friend.
For some reason the Bible neglects to include the story of THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY and I'm guessing it's because the song it's based on didn't exist until 1941. I suppose that will do for an excuse. They should really add it though because it's got most Bible stories beat because it can't be misinterpreted to spread evil and it doesn't talk smack about delicious shellfish.
THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY ends with the very clear statement that hate, ALL hate, is and always will be wrong. I like when stories cut to the chase and don't include a bunch of random rules and sloppy propaganda. In the end the Little Drummer Boy and I are so psyched that Baba is alive that we both can't help dumping our free-floating elephantine hatred of all things human. Well, most of it anyway, I still wouldn't mind seeing that chariot driver dragged into the middle of town and his smug puppet head sliced off with a rusty scythe. Careful driving this Christmas Eve kids and hold on tight to your lambs!
Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)
When I was a very little kid, I stole a pack of Dentyne gum from the grocery store. It was so easy- I just put it in my pocket as my Mother was purchasing groceries. The act itself was thrilling. I could not believe that I could think of something like that, do it and then bask in the rewards. I was interacting with the world and I existed. Hubris was destined to trip me up though. I shared my accomplishment with my older brother and after enjoying some of my gum and throwing the wrappers into a bush, my brother promptly snitched (Life lesson #1: Happiness lasts longer when not shared with others.)
So now I was in trouble, big trouble. I had to wait in the stairwell as my mother spun the punishment wheel in her head and determined my fate. As I stood in the hall crying and praying for the power to turn back time (Life Lesson #2: No amount of praying will result in God granting you magical powers) the two cops from ADAM-12 (MARTIN MILNER & KENT McCORD) came into the kitchen and began to discuss my fate with my mother. I saw them and I heard them, I swear. I was trapped in a whirlwind of guilt and horror; I was obviously going to be arrested and sent to jail. I wasn't a "good" guy, I was a "bad" guy! Oh, the shame!
Time would reveal that no, the ADAM 12 guys were not in my home at all. I had just had, you know, a visual and audio hallucination of some sort. I guess my brain was not formed enough yet to draw the lines between my imagination and reality (this would also explain the night that I saw the Easter Bunny in the living room.) I bring up this story because while watching the Finnish film RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE some invisible elf in my head dragged it out of storage and shoved it center stage. The movie may look like a killer Santa flick but in reality, it's more about being a kid, and finding a way to overcome feelings of being "bad" while gaining some confidence about your abilities and position in the world. If you watch this one expecting gore, explosive action and big scares, you might feel shortchanged so I'm saying don't do that.
RARE EXPORTS introduces us to a kid named Pietari who has gone and done something worse than stealing Dentyne. He and a friend, while snooping around an excavation, left a hole in the fence that contains his father's reindeer herd and now something has obliterated his family's livelihood. Pietari's guilt cannot be contained and even though he has been sworn to secrecy about the incident, he knows that Santa sees all and will punish him severely. This is made even clearer as all the local kids about town begin to disappear. Pietari's father captures an elderly man who he thinks may be responsible for their predicament but Pietari is convinced that the creepy guy is all-knowing Santa himself. The truth is actually stranger and more fantastic than Pietari can imagine so I won't ruin it here.
This is a highly original film that plays with your expectations and stokes your imagination at every turn. If you a looking for a different type of holiday viewing experience then this is it. It hits a very unusual and singular note by being much darker and creepier than your standard family Christmas movie and yet much more whimsical, nostalgic and ultimately uplifting (literally in one scene) than your usual Christmas horror fare. Director JALMARI HELANDER is compared to SPIELBERG, JEUNET and DANTE in blurbs on the back of the DVD and I can see that, but with the frozen landscape, zero female presence and block of ice excavation, I was thinking hey this is like a kid's version of THE THING! Okay, well, maybe that doesn't fit exactly but you know how my brain works. In any case, RARE EXPORTS is a great addition to my pile of required Christmas holiday viewing. Really the only thing that it is missing is a cameo from the guys from ADAM-12.
Name That Trauma :: Reader Bartel-Boy on a Murdered Monk
Sorry if my English isn´t that impressing but I´m writing you from a far out country called Germany. The reason why I´m writing this is because of the NAME THAT TRAUMA part on your fabulous site…(…okay maybe it´s a little bit sadistic to dig out that hidden fear of boys and girls who thought they would be safe now…!)
I saw this movie…(or maybe t was a episode of some series) in the late Eighties…I think I was 5 years or so…and the story took place in an old abbey the setting of that movie had this adventure kind of style and the main actors where two kids (they could be on a quest or at least searching for something or someone, their parents maybe?)…the age in which it played seemed like the mid-ages cause they wore historical hipster stuff, potatoe-sack-style.
So the kids reach this abbey and they get friends with an older (but not a kung-fu-monk-age) monk which represented the classical type of his profession: A dark beard, a big belly, little bit drunk all the times and a big big heart…he seemed like this strange "animal-lovin´" guy from the HARRY POTTER movies that they have banned in this cabin in the woods for doing his wildlife-touching stuff…don´t remember his name but that´s not the point. Fact is: he liked the kids and the kids liked him and he offered them his help trying to find whatever they were looking for. Because of his friendly, adorable character he made himself some enemies in the abbey…bad mood monks…always praying always working, always worshipping and yelling orders. They didn´t liked it either that the kids were looking for their things behind this abbey walls. And now it comes:
The friendly monk is trying to find some arguments so the kids could stay but the other fanatics were already closing in as an "no talk-just action" mob! The lovely monk thinks they are just shitting around, tries to calm them…"no boys…what u doing? Let´s get some drinks…etc…" But it´s too late! They force a big wooden bucket over his head which seemed to be boiling water, or hot oil…so steam rises and the nice teddy-bear-buddy-guy is CRYING OUT IN TOTALLY PAIN AND AGONY…the others are laughing in the most evil way and the kids are forced to watch this scene (so did I…I remember that it was only afternoon – not the time of day for this kind of stuff)…while the wailing of the bud-spencer-monk became the silent sounds of death.
And now comes the scene which burned a image in my brain that I can hardly forget: The bad-monks are removing the bucket only to reveal the blank skull-face of the monk with the flesh still falling off..oh man…I cried because of this poor guy and realized in this moment that their must be many, many horrible ways to die in this cruel outside world. So that was the whole story…greetings from over the ocean and keep on doing this great site and the brilliant idea behind it…(if you can´t post this I understand: I believe their must be million of people out there who are trying to get behind their trauma…)
Lot´s of peace, guys!
— BARTEL-BOY
