kindertrauma

Traumafessions :: Reader Paul on Are you Afraid of the Dark? ep. "The Tale of the Dead Man's Float"

Posted on By aunt john

Hello Kindertrauma!

My terrifying traumafession focuses around the hit Nickelodeon show ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?, which aired on Nick from the '90's througout the early 2000s. Many episodes scared me beyond belief, but there was one that REALLY took the cake, and that was "The Tale of the Dead Man's Float." This episode revolved around two teens, Zeke and Clorice discovering an abandoned pool above a graveyard, which awakened an angry spirit that took revenge on anyone who swam in the pool.

The scene in particular that traumatized me was towards the end, when the ghost-demon finally came out of the pool. This was a kid's show, mind you but the ghost was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen and, looking back at it now, I still think its a rather scary and mature episode. The ghost was red, dressed in old clothes and covered in all kinds of slime and filth. But its head! Its head was a demonic red skull, with empty eye sockets that seemed to stare into my soul. I will never forget the demonic terrifying look of this ghost, and every time I go swimming I am hesitant because of this horrifying episode.

— Paul

Name That Trauma :: Reader Bridget C. on a Freaky Alien Floor

Posted on By aunt john

All I remember is a scene were a group of astronauts are walking through a room in an alien spaceship. Suddenly one of the astronauts falls onto the floor and enveloped by it, almost as if he were eaten.

Do you know the name of this movie?

Does it even sound remotely familiar?

Please let me know!

Thank you!

— Bridget C.

UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA PROBABLY SOLVED!?! Reader Chris offered up HABITAT as the answer, and Bridget emailed to say:

"That could be the movie I was looking for, but I'm not sure that's it. Thank you for looking!"

Friday The 13th Part Clue

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: Somebody has killed Alice in the kitchen with the ice pick!
Using the process of eliminating suspects who don't look absolutely horrifying, can you solve the case?

Dirty, Filthy Horror

Posted on By unkle lancifer

So I came across a German trailer for THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE (1976) sneaking around YouTube and it got stuck in my head. The trailer is so dark, damaged, scratched up and weathered that it feels like an unscalable wall of gloom. I've never seen the film look shabbier and I've never seen it look as intriguingly sinister or lurid either. Maybe I'm experiencing a rubber band effect from being exposed to too much slick high definition lately, but it got me thinking about the movies I enjoy that gather strength by the fact that they revel in their own grunged-out grittiness.

PSYCHO (1960)

PSYCHO may seem like a starkly handsome film now but when you compare it to HITCHCOCK's earlier flashier flicks, it's obviously a deliberate step away from artifice and glamour. Marion Crane stumbles into a world that is rotting and falling apart and HITCH's emphasis on keeping it candidly real went so far as to showcase the first flushing toilet seen in American film. PSYCHO is nothing if not about the blemishes and stains that can't be scrubbed away; not even in the shower.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968)

Some folks might assume NOTLD's shabby chic aesthetic is due to its age but if you consider the fact that it was released the same year as ROSEMARY'S BABY, you get a better idea of just how scrappy and low brow this production is. The film's non-existent budget surely influenced the end result, but director ROMERO's blunt news footage approach turned the minus of poverty into an integral plus. NOTLD's public domain status insures that a dingy looking copy is never more than a Google search away.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974)

Remaster it, put it on DVD, smack it with a Blu-ray high definition stick, hire a zillion cherubs to polish it with Jesus' tears, it doesn't matter. TEXAS CHAINSAW will always look like it's been dragged through the mud since the beginning of time and that's why I love it. No need for blood, the ultimate horror here is derived from committing the unspoken American sin of looking under the carpet where the trash has been swept.

SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1974)

Here's another example of a limited budget being an asset. SNBN is dark, cold and grey throughout and it utilizes its authentically well-worn locations to their creepy fullest, but it is the film's cracked and crusty sepia toned flashback sequences that really chill the bone.

CATHY'S CURSE (1977)

I may have just created a portal to hell by including CATHYS CURSE and PSYCHO on the same list and I'm fine with that. CATHY'S CURSE's heap of garbage, ratty demeanor is not an artistic choice but the result of brain damaged filmmakers and the reality that nobody would want to remaster the film due to the process involving having to watch it. I stand convinced that every repulsive rust and avocado hue from the seventies dived into this celluloid cesspool to die. That said, one of my favorite aspects of this abomination, besides its doctrine of non-stop nonsense, is the fact that its base fugliness is heightened by its shredded, war torn ill kept state. What a Mess-terpiece!

SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT (1979)

I've never seen a copy of this movie that doesn't look like hell and I don't think I want to. Huge chunks of it are completely indecipherable but that's part of what makes it work for me. SOAWN goes beyond delivering nicked and damaged visuals; it offers a wave of crunchy crumbling sound too!

DEAD AND BURIED (1980)

Here's an underrated movie with no shortage of atmosphere. D&B has several shockingly gruesome set pieces but for me there's one ragged insert that shadows over the others. In it, one the main characters is revealed to be not quite what they seem via a battered and dingy amateur home film, the texture of which contrasts with everything else we've seen.

NIGHTMARE (1980)

Finally available on DVD, I was initially disappointed when I threw NIGHTMARE's disc in my player and noted the extensive scratches and damage that it still retains. My chagrin dissipated quickly when I realized that NIGHTMARE's sleaze trash, grind house nature was in fact perfectly framed and amplified by the scourge of visual imperfections.

CEMETERY OF TERROR (1985)

I have to include this recent discovery. One of the great joys of watching COT is basking in its ramshackle mangled mahogany state.

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999)

How ironic that when Hollywood jumped at the chance to capitalize on BLAIR's success with a sequel that the first thing they jettisoned was the original's coarse and crude threadbare look. C'mon, the film's ace in the hole for igniting imaginations was its unrefined, vague as the shroud of Turin visuals.

THE ROB ZOMBIE OEUVRE

From the kaleidoscopic channel surfing static strewn barrage of HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES to the acrid dusty rust heaps of THE DEVIL'S REJECTS to the swirling melted Jolly Rancher bag of his HALLOWEEN re-duo, ZOMBIE's visuals are never not rug burn raw and bursting with imperfect unkempt energy.

THE END

Hey, so that was an eclectic (sloppy) assemblage of films wasn't it? I almost included SE7EN(1995) and PLANET TERROR (2007) but decided that rather than earning the holes in their jeans, they bought them pre-weathered at designer stores. Maybe I should have separated the films by those that were scruffy on purpose, those that were ratty due to budget and those that were torn up due to not being well preserved but I didn't. I mostly just wanted to talk about the wondrous effect that the marred, sullied, untidy image has on me when I watch a horror film and what can I say? I like things a little messy. It's a matter of taste.

Traumafessions :: Michael Clark of Vast Cyclopean Vistas on Raiders of the Lost Ark

Posted on By aunt john

Dear Kindertrauma:

First off, you rock. I love your site and the way you have teased out many of the common traumas we suffered as children. I could go on about Oompa-Loompas, Flying Monkeys, The Poltergeist Clown…the list goes on.

But I was truly traumatized by the ending of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. I had been drawn in by the prospect of another movie featuring Han Solo (I guess I was nine when the movie came out), and thought somehow the movie would be about Noah's Ark, but ok. I didn't really know what a Nazi was, other than the "Black Spider" villains of THE SOUND OF MUSIC, but I got the idea pretty quickly.

So I'm tracking with the whole archaeology motif, digging (as it were) the Egyptian stuff–I could even handle the snake coming out of the mummy's mouth in the Well of Souls sequence (though barely). But dammit, when those Nazis' faces began to shrivel, drip, and explode in the Holy Wrath bit at the end, I LOST IT. I had gone to see the movie with our older cousin, who loved it–we were on vacation, and I think it was a moment for my parents to get us out of the hotel room at the Ramada Inn. I could not express to her how profoundly shocking the face-melting had been to me. Upon return to the hotel, where I had drawn the short straw and had to sleep on the floor, I remember keeping my mother up all night trying to describe the utter horror I had experienced at the end of the movie. I kept the bathroom light and fan on, much to my Dad's dismay. Oddly, my younger brother had shrugged it off, or at least was too exhausted from all the Coke and Sno-Caps to stay awake.

I had loved it–and to this day it's one of my favorites of all time–but my first time was a rough one.

If you liked this one, there's more to come, as I was a Professional Scaredy-Cat.

Yours,

— Michael Clark

Vast Cyclopean Vistas

Name That Trauma :: Reader SK Duff of a Covered Trellis & Crying Fetus

Posted on By aunt john

It was probably a made-for-TV movie in the early '70s — think it featured JOHNNY WHITAKER from FAMILY AFFAIR… Anyway the image/sound that stayed with me was this:

A backyard covered trellis with vines, etc. (very pretty) with a jar on a table that appeared to have a fetus in it that cried… VERY disturbing… don't remember anything else about the movie, but that image and sound are still with me over forty years later….

— SK Duff

UNK SEZ: JOHNNY WHITAKER and a crying fetus in a jar? That's got to be 1972's SOMETHING EVIL which also starred SANDY DENNIS, DARREN McGAVIN and RALPH BELLAMY. SOMETHING EVIL has never found it's way to VHS or DVD which is kind of strange since it was directed by none other than STEVEN SPIELBERG. Check out our review HERE!

The Final Terror (1983)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Slasher movies are like wine, they get better with age and only a sophisticated palate can distinguish the full range of subtle aromas and flavors. Some days I simply require the crisp hearty taste of a killer in the woods flick and I know I am not alone. THE FINAL TERROR is often dismissed as a FRIDAY The 13TH rip-off but that's not entirely accurate. Really, TFT should be so shrewd as to mold itself after FRIDAY, instead it's frustratingly coy and it refuses to go for the gusto even when in the perfect position to do so. Just when things get exciting, it ends. Still, it does have a certain something and I almost masochistically enjoy that it won't give me what I want.

What's to love:

The cast: JOE PANTOLIANO is the perfect creep and aw, there's LEWIS SMITH of BUCKAROO BANZAI and MARK METCALF from the TWISTED SISTER videos! Furthermore, I'll never say no to either DARYL (BLADE RUNNER) HANNAH or RACHAEL (NIGHT SCHOOL) WARD. Even though neither leave much of an impression here, to have both in one film is an embarrassment of riches. ADRIAN ZMED on the other hand is nothing to brag abou,t but I'll give him a break as a courtesy to GREASE 2.

The Location: Where FRIDAY shows off the lovely woods of New Jersey THE FINAL TERROR takes place in some zone that more closely resembles the planet Endor. (In fact, IMDb just informed me that TFT and RETURN OF THE JEDI do share location.) Nature here is all encompassing and the sense that help is out of reach is distinct.

The Killer: TFT's menace sprouts straight out of a campfire tale. A young girl is raped by her uncle and thrown into an insane asylum. Her offspring later frees her but then noting that she is nuts beyond repair leaves her in the woods to live off the land. Now, she hunts trespassers and could one of the main characters be that very son? It's nice having a female psycho and it's cool that the haggy beast camouflages herself to blend in with the surroundings and uses what is available to make deadly traps. Imagine being split apart by rusty can lids! That's gotta hurt. Plus she lives in a shack in the woods just like I will someday!

What's not to love:

The Kills: There's maybe two barely decent kills in this movie and that's not going to cut it. In fact, half of the cast survives! I appreciate that TFT was going more for a survival thriller rather than slasher flick vibe but the difference between obscurity and rampant cult fandom (THE BURNING will tell you) is mostly in the blood. I'm not saying you have to spring for SAVINI or anything, but maybe go to the store and score some ground chuck for Pete's sake.

The Lighting: If you're old enough to turn on a camera then you're old enough to turn on a light. I know there are easier things than lighting a forest but c'mon. I'm going to give TFT the benefit of the doubt and point out that it has yet to receive anything close to a proper presentation for the home market. I don't remember image quality being an issue when I first caught it on cable as a critter. Maybe my eyesight was better then.

The Pace: TFT slowly builds up to an alarming bus attack scene and then somehow looses momentum again. I understand the value of quiet time and I don't require fireworks every second, but there is a certain amount of focus and direction that is necessary for effectiveness. It's kind of like listening to someone tell a story who keeps getting sidetracked by minutia. I can forgive vagueness but not so much the feeling that so much time is wasted where we could have easily have learned useful information.

I know I'm trying to get a dog to meow and that if any other movie was as equally good as it was bad, it would be called a failure but this is a forest-set, eighties horror flick and in a way that overrides all. If you're not a slasher fan you needn't bother, but if you count yourself among the truly devoted it might hit the spot. THE FINAL TERROR gets props from me for not following the usual path but it sort of gets lost in the woods anyway. We don't get the usual stereotypical characters and that's nice but then again we don't get to know anyone at all. Why am I telling you all this? Because THE FINAL TERROR is available in full for free on YouTube and no matter how you look at it, free is a fair price isn't it? Maybe not, but sometimes I just have to take a walk in the woods anyway.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Kim K. on a Scary Smile and Trash Can Kitty

Posted on By aunt john

I have to say that your blog is both horrible and really neat. Hopefully someone can help me figure out what these movies were so I can see them completely and stop being weird about it.

I was watching a T.V. show about horror movies, and it showed little clips of the scarier parts. I don't remember the date but I think it came out at the same time that CAT'S EYE did, because I keep thinking this was part of that movie (it's not). There is a horrible flesh-colored monster with no hair and generally human shaped, only it had the scariest mouth ever (lots of long sharp teeth) and it SMILED. For some reason I have it in my head that her name was Lucy (or Lucie) but I don't ever find pics when I Google. Maybe that was the creator's name for the puppet? Either way that thing was scary as hell.

The other movie memory was about a girl who may have been hallucinating. She was walking along in an alley or a dark park or something and hears a kitten crying. She followed the sounds to a trash can and lifted it up and something horrible was inside (it may have been just a rat but I think I was about 6 and they were scary) and she lost her mind screaming and acting nuts and then somehow (I don't know if she stopped hallucinating or I remembered it wrong) she ended up being comforted by some guy. I think it ended up that her sister was setting her up to seem crazy so she (the non-crazy sister) could get the guy. That kitten in the trash can scene made me forever nervous of sounds inside things I can't see into.

I will be amazed, but SO GRATEFUL, if anyone knows what in the world I'm talking about!

Thanks so much.

— Kim K.

UNK SEZ: I think I know the first one Kim! We've gotten a "Name That Trauma!" on it before (HERE)! It sounds like you are talking about "Lizzie" from the TOM SAVINI directed episode of TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE entitled "Inside the Closet". You can read our review of it HERE. As for the second, hopefully one of our readers will know the answer to that!

Mystery Six!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Everybody's most favorite show ever, KINDERTRAUMA FUNHOUSE has been put on hiatus! The news is equal parts sad and true! With budgets soaring, ratings plummeting and advertisers scurrying away like rats due to THE FUNHOUSE's controversial sexual reassignment surgery, KINDERTRAUMA had no choice but to pull the plug. Will it return? It's too soon to guess but luckily, as a mid-season replacement, there is MYSERY SIX!

MYSTERY SIX is hip, hot, now, flagrantly cutting edge and offers 100 percent of the same entertainment value while cutting production costs by nearly forty percent! MYSTERY SIX is sure to sweep the Internet by storm with its streamlined approach to Friday morning trivia! Can you identify today's MYSTERY SIX? Do you know who the heck these people are? Answer correctly and you can tell your friends you are superstar king of the day!