This tender valentine comes courtesy of Kindertrauma crush DREW DAYWALT who knows that the quickest way into the hearts of your Unkle Lancifer & Aunt John is a shout-out in the end credits.
The Wolfman (2010)
There are two movies I can always count on to put me in the proper spooked-out, gleefully morose mood I crave. They are both seriously flawed yet provide the comfiest old fashioned creep quilt you'd ever want to bask beneath. BRAM STOKER's DRACULA(1992) is lush and sweeping, though famously marred by dingbat acting and TIM BURTONS SLEEPY HOLLOW(1999) is brisk and haunting, though convoluted and scarred by numerous doofus moments. Well, I'm happy as hell to add THE WOLFMAN to my short list of beautiful losers; it is a relentlessly gorgeous visual stun-athon that hits the ground running but ends up stumbling and falling on its face like a damsel in knotted woods. The good news is that this wolf's room emptying flatulence takes place so late in the party that you can only shake your head and chuckle at it as you push it out the door.
Does anyone else think that BENICIO DEL TORRO resembles DEAN STOCKWELL mixed with BRAD PITT's way hotter brother? There is inspired casting everywhere you look here folks and although ANTHONY HOPKINS is a ham and cheese hot pocket, that's what he's paid for. I know that I'm a sucker for all things pasty and raven haired, but EMILY BLUNT and her ice shard eyes are almost too much for me to bare. I've had a mild case of stalker love for her ever since WIND CHILL but now I think it's time to start cutting out letters from magazines and assembling a message for her eyes only. Man oh man this movie with its lantern lit caravans, leather bound libraries, silver canes and whiskey drinks, gnarled branches and autumnal fervor is just plain ravishing. I seriously just wanted to walk into the screen and stay there forever; y'all know what you can do with your iPads and GA-GA's (No offense, fame monster!)
So how's the story (or the wolf's tale?) well for the most part great. It all pretty nicely moves up to an incredible peak at a mental institution where our pal Larry gets the FRANCES FARMER treatment. In fact, the psychological spine of this flick is sort of a reverse FRANCES that replaces mommy issues with daddy ones. Maybe a subtler approach would have worked better here (we are basically dunked into an icy bath of HOPKINS' Freudian faux-pas) but it's an undeniable super blast watching the inevitable head shredding of numerous head shrinkers.
Now I don't want to get too spoiley here but things do go downhill eventually. The films climax borders on cartoon ridiculous and the father /son conflict becomes a tiresome diversion from what's really interesting about THE WOLFMAN, the subjugation of our animal impulses. The final battle we are shown doesn't even visually mesh properly with the rest of the picture. Whereas before we were shown awesome half-man/half-wolf hybrids suddenly there are fuzzy super hero creatures bouncing around. Any CGI subtly you may have been hoping for is (literally at one point) thrown out the window.
I bet you dollars to dog biscuits that this BATTLE OF THE GARGANTUANS looking ending (I'm not exaggerating by the way) was part of the film's notorious reshoots. The only thing that scares me more than the idea that Hollywood thinks audiences are so dumb that they need this type of crap to enjoy a film is the idea that Hollywood may be right. THE WOLFMAN was doing quite fine without the adolescent action figure shit and a more somber conclusion was called for.
The fact that THE WOLFMAN revealed its desperation and lap dog subservience in the end does not spoil the fact that me and the old boy had an excellent run. I'm sure that future viewings will smooth my distaste for the third act but I'm sending out a prayer for an alternate director's cut of some sort anyway. THE WOLFMAN is mostly just too goth-glorious to miss, my eyeballs are still writing home about it as we speak. It's sad though that certain people could not trust the tale enough to allow it to take its natural course. As usual, somebody somewhere confused setting the beast free with pulling in the reigns.
Name That Trauma :: Reader JLP on a Fire Saftey Short
Trying to find the name of a fire safety film that scared the crap out of me in the ‘70s.
When I was about 13, around 1977, they put us in the school auditorium and showed us a fire safety filmed that haunted me for years.
Here's the setup: there's a family of 4, Mom, Dad, and two red-haired kids, one boy and one girl. You spend the first part of the movie following them through the nice summer day: the dad goes and sits in an office, the mom cleans things and maybe goes shopping, and the kids walk over to some pond and go fishing. The narrator remarks on what a lovely day it's been.
Then, after dinner, the dad is sitting on the couch smoking and drops some ash behind the couch. Then in the middle of the night the couch catches on fire, and then the house, and everyone dies. The son dies because he's sleeping in the top bunk and smoke inhalation gets him without him waking up. The daughter wakes up, but tries to leave by the bedroom door instead of the window and the smoke gets her. The mom dies because she tries to get the kids instead of leaving the house. I forget how the dad dies.
Pretty horrible, huh? Thank goodness home smoke detectors came out around then or I wouldn't have gotten any sleep for years. I have Googled around for old fire safety films but nothing seems to match. I don't think it looked particularly dated when I saw it, but it could have been filmed in the ‘60s and I probably wouldn't have noticed in '77. It was definitely in color.
Any ideas?
– JLP
Name That Trauma :: Reader Ryan on a Strict School Teacher's Comeuppance
Hi, I love your site. Here's one I don't know the title of:
I remember this as a horror anthology that was shown on ELVIRA's TV show in the mid 80s, but I checked a list of the films she played and it did not match any of those. The part I remember was about a strict schoolteacher who is mean to her students. Eventually the children attack her in her home. I think they were wearing Halloween masks, which may have been removed to reveal actual facial deformities.
This scared the crap out of me as a kid, and I've never seen it mentioned in discussions about horror anthology films. Maybe you can help.
Thanks,
Ryan
UNK SEZ:: So there I was grabbing my magnifying glass and galoshes, prepping up to sleuth the Googles when I get another email from Ryan saying:
Actually I just found it. It was a segment of the film HOUSE OF THE DEAD, and was indeed shown on ELVIRA.
UNK SEZ: So Ryan solved his own "Name That Trauma" and I got to learn about a movie I never heard of. Thanks Ryan, I'm always interested to hear about any horror movies that I may have missed especially if they happen to be an anthology. HOUSE OF THE DEAD aka ALIEN ZONE is from 1978 and any interested folks can watch it HERE.
Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever
Personally, I was never too wowed by ELI ROTH's CABIN FEVER; it had a few stand out scenes and I could get behind its adolescent fear of cooties but ultimately I was about as impressed as a late nineties SHANIA TWAIN i.e. not much. Claims that it would do for shaving your legs what JAWS did for swimming just did not hold true for this dude. (Full disclosure, I did fancy that one guy in it, JAMES DeBELLO, but only because his chin resembled a Virginia ham.) The point is, I had no desire to see a follow-up until I learned that TI WEST, the guy who helmed HOUSE OF THE DEVIL, directed it.
Sadly, any half-mast excitement that I may have mustered was stomped on like a champagne glass at a Jewish wedding when I also learned that TI had washed his hands of his sequel because some meddling producers tinkered the crap out of it. Well hey, I watched it anyway because that is not only "how" I do but also ALL that I do.
If the devil appeared before me in red pajamas and said, "Unkle Lancifer, you have been a horrible person and now you must live with me in hell forever and also I'm going to make you watch the same movie over and over for infinity to drive you insane and it has to be either CABIN FEVER or CABIN FEVER 2: SPRING FEVER so pick your poison you worm!" I would most definitely pick… CABIN FEVER 2: GIMME A SPRING BREAK! because the cinematography makes my eyes happy, the soundtrack is great (OMG. &WT.F!?! They play the PROM NIGHT song!!!) and the people who inhabit the movie do not act like dicks unless they are acknowledged as dicks. I can see why TI WEST doesn't really want this coyote ugly "seemed like a good idea at the time" trashy movie drunk dialing him during his current moment in the respectable sun, but it's entertaining enough if you wear the right goggles.
Frankly, if I was having a group of friends over (it could happen!) I'd probably feel a bit more comfortable subjecting them to this movie than TI's non-redheaded stepchild THE ROOST. I seem to recall forcing someone to watch THE ROOST with me and that poor person's beard growing three feet long and turning white in the process. Come to think of it, they may have left my apartment with a cane…so don't get too highfalutin there, TI. Although yeah, you're right in thinking the whole tacked on ending of this movie blows more chunks than the film's infected up-chuckers. Still, count me as pleasantly surprised.
There is a great scene in this movie where our main guy (DEADGIRL's NOAH SEGAN…call me!) tells the girl he's been following around like a puppy just what an obvious moron she is for dating the school douche. It's like a classic JOHN HUGHES scene that never, but should have, happened (imagine Ducky telling MOLLY RINGWALD to go fuck herself!) It's a great passionate moment and I could have used some more of that fine stuff rather than the profusion of puss gags. Of course, I'm not sure if the fans of the original CABIN FEVER would feel the same way but who cares, it's not like they're going to be happy with this anyway.
How many GARBAGE PAIL KID cards do you currently own? Count them…now! I'll wait… if my theory is correct your enjoyment of this film can be accurately predicted by counting those very cards! C.F.2 is not scary, it's not quite as funny as it thinks it is either (who is) but it IS ta-ruly gross. Ya know, around these parts that counts for something. Plus, I gotta say TI, stick with cinematographer ELIOT ROCKET that guy's got the goods!
Name That Trauma :: Reader Fred N. on a Basement Incest Baby & a Snagged Scarf
Kindertrauma,
I just discovered your site, and thank goodness, because I have been trying to think of the name of this movie for years now.
I saw it on HBO in '86 or 87', I think. The story is told in flashback. A brother commits incest with his sister, spawning a monstrous creature that lives in the basement of their mansion years later. The brother is middle-aged now, still living in his boyhood home. He has imaginary conversations with his long-dead father. In his flashback the father has discovered the incest and is trying to have a heart-to-heart with his teenage son…"I know you're very popular with the girls," he intones in a fatherly way, as an opener to accusing his son of incest. "Your sister was beside herself. She was in tears," or something like that. After being confronted, the brother relives murdering his father so many years before.
Meanwhile, there is a female visitor to the house. She knocks a bowl of fruit to the floor, and then bends down to pick it up. She is right over a floor grating. Cut to the offspring inside the floor grating, looking up at the pretty lady, breathing heavily. The ends of her long scarf are on the grating. We see them get slowly pulled inside the grating. As she tries to stand up the monster starts slamming her face-first into the grating, over and over again, using the scarf as a handle. I don't think we see much gore, just her hand squeezing some grapes to mushy pulp, and then going limp as she finally dies. Her face is, we assume, fully pulped as well. Isn't this how Isadora Duncan really died?
Does anyone out there know what this movie is called? This scene is this movie gave me nightmares. So naturally, I want to see it again.
Many thanks,
Fred
UNK SEZ: Fred, the floor grate and the bowl of fruit give this one away. It's 1980's THE UNSEEN which was recently released on DVD. Check out our review HERE, it's a Kindertrauma favorite!
The Uninvited (1988)
More proof that just because I look like a nice person doesn't mean that I am one comes in the form of yours truly forcing your poor, long suffering Aunt John to watch THE UNINVITED. No, I'm not talking about the classy black and white ghost jam with RAY MILLAND and nope, I'm not talking about the inexplicable A TALE OF TWO SISTERS re-don't starring ELIZABETH "WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER" BANKS…I'm referring to the stowaway mutant house cat debacle of 1988. In case there is some kind of point to your life and therefore you have not stumbled across this feline focused fiasco, let me fill you in on why it's so rub your eyes, double take atrocious…
IT STARS MY CAT
When I first met my cat "GATO MALO" in an alley I knew very little about his history. Naturally I assumed he lived the typical homeless cat lifestyle of jumping trains, eating canned beans and carrying his few belongings in a bandana tied to a stick. Imagine my surprise to find out my little schnookums was actually an accomplished thespian that had rubbed shoulders with the likes of ROB "SILK STALKINGS" ESTES. The sad news is no matter how much I grill the bastard, he will not reveal where he hides his royalty checks!
GEORGE KENNEDY
I know video stores don't exist anymore but if they did, it should be mandatory that each and every one has a well-marked GEORGE KENNEDY section. That way I would not have to waste time digging through crap that stars TOM HANKS and that platypus lady. Not only is GEORGE KENNEDY the most handsome man who ever lived but he also starred in DEMONWARP!
CLU GALLAGER
Nearly unrecognizable in JERRY LEWIS false teeth and mumbling like a madman, CLU "RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD" GALLAGER comes off as a dangerously psychotic PETER SELLERS wannabe. Isn't this the same weirdo character he played in THE OFFSPRING? CLU, you scare me sometimes.
THE LADIES
As if wearing shredded x-tra large T-shirts over their bikinis was not classy enough, these two broads have discovered the ultimate culinary combo of champagne and ice cream sundaes! Parents of gay teens, don't waste your money sending your kid to "straight" camp; just pop the UNINVITED into the DVD player and voila! Yowza and zowee.
SPECIAL (as in short bus) EFFECTS!
Where do I start? So there's this mutant cat and when it opens it mouth, a smaller cat (or a rat?) jumps out and attacks people. I have no idea why this was attempted in the first place but there is absolutely no way to describe it. There is no consistency in the size of the beast from one scene to the next. The rules of time and space are not only outright rejected but given wedgies and laughed out of town. The only crumb of logic that is thrown is at film's end when we discover all the events took place on a toy boat in a bathtub. Try not to notice that the cat is a completely different color in the final shot.
GREYDON CLARK
I have no idea what the hell director GREYDON CLARK could have possibly have been thinking while directing THE UNINVITED. His earlier films SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS and WITHOUT WARNING (1980) are hardly masterpieces, but they do, for the most part, resemble movies.
In other words, this is a must own and I've been dragging around a frayed VHS copy for years. The new DVD (a double feature with the suddenly competent looking MUTANT (1984)) is not much of an upgrade in the picture quality department but really, why should it be? This is a real bottom of the barrel disaster that needs to be seen under the worst of circumstances, preferably under some level of inebriation. Now if only I could get GATO MALO to autograph a copy…
Name That Trauma :: Reader Erin L. on Sunny Day Sabotage
I've been trying to figure out what the name of this movie was. I think it was a short film that showed between features on HBO or Cinemax in the very early ‘80s. It was about a kid who moved from Earth to another planet where it rained all the time. I can't remember the gender of the Earthling, but he or she was always drawing pictures of the sun. Anyway, the kids on the rain planet didn't believe the protagonist's stories about sunshine, and they taunted him or her, chased them and locked them in a closet.
Wouldn't you know it, right then it stopped raining and the sun came out and all those jerks were running and playing having forgotten about the kid they'd locked up. I know I didn't dream this but I haven't found anyone else who saw it.
Maybe one of your readers remembers it?
AUNT JOHN SEZ: Actually, this is one I remember! It ran on HBO in the early/ mid-'80s and it was based on the RAY BRADBURY short story "All Summer in a Day" and, from what I recall, it always was shown in tandem with the other BRADBURY inspired short "The Electric Grandmother."
Dig out your sunglasses Erin, 'cause here it is in its entirety: