More proof that just because I look like a nice person doesn't mean that I am one comes in the form of yours truly forcing your poor, long suffering Aunt John to watch THE UNINVITED. No, I'm not talking about the classy black and white ghost jam with RAY MILLAND and nope, I'm not talking about the inexplicable A TALE OF TWO SISTERS re-don't starring ELIZABETH "WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER" BANKS…I'm referring to the stowaway mutant house cat debacle of 1988. In case there is some kind of point to your life and therefore you have not stumbled across this feline focused fiasco, let me fill you in on why it's so rub your eyes, double take atrocious…
IT STARS MY CAT
When I first met my cat "GATO MALO" in an alley I knew very little about his history. Naturally I assumed he lived the typical homeless cat lifestyle of jumping trains, eating canned beans and carrying his few belongings in a bandana tied to a stick. Imagine my surprise to find out my little schnookums was actually an accomplished thespian that had rubbed shoulders with the likes of ROB "SILK STALKINGS" ESTES. The sad news is no matter how much I grill the bastard, he will not reveal where he hides his royalty checks!
I know video stores don't exist anymore but if they did, it should be mandatory that each and every one has a well-marked GEORGE KENNEDY section. That way I would not have to waste time digging through crap that stars TOM HANKS and that platypus lady. Not only is GEORGE KENNEDY the most handsome man who ever lived but he also starred in DEMONWARP!
Nearly unrecognizable in JERRY LEWIS false teeth and mumbling like a madman, CLU "RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD" GALLAGER comes off as a dangerously psychotic PETER SELLERS wannabe. Isn't this the same weirdo character he played in THE OFFSPRING? CLU, you scare me sometimes.
As if wearing shredded x-tra large T-shirts over their bikinis was not classy enough, these two broads have discovered the ultimate culinary combo of champagne and ice cream sundaes! Parents of gay teens, don't waste your money sending your kid to "straight" camp; just pop the UNINVITED into the DVD player and voila! Yowza and zowee.
SPECIAL (as in short bus) EFFECTS!
Where do I start? So there's this mutant cat and when it opens it mouth, a smaller cat (or a rat?) jumps out and attacks people. I have no idea why this was attempted in the first place but there is absolutely no way to describe it. There is no consistency in the size of the beast from one scene to the next. The rules of time and space are not only outright rejected but given wedgies and laughed out of town. The only crumb of logic that is thrown is at film's end when we discover all the events took place on a toy boat in a bathtub. Try not to notice that the cat is a completely different color in the final shot.
I have no idea what the hell director GREYDON CLARK could have possibly have been thinking while directing THE UNINVITED. His earlier films SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS and WITHOUT WARNING (1980) are hardly masterpieces, but they do, for the most part, resemble movies.
In other words, this is a must own and I've been dragging around a frayed VHS copy for years. The new DVD (a double feature with the suddenly competent looking MUTANT (1984)) is not much of an upgrade in the picture quality department but really, why should it be? This is a real bottom of the barrel disaster that needs to be seen under the worst of circumstances, preferably under some level of inebriation. Now if only I could get GATO MALO to autograph a copy…