kindertrauma

The Horror of Losing My Dear Wife by Randolph M.

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Dear KINDERTRAUMA brothers and sisters:

First of all, I would like to point out that my dear wife was an ardent Stephen King fan. She used to watch me browsing KINDERTRAUMA and giggle at the silliness of it all. To be able to take celluloid horror with a sense of humour like that is something she naturally had, and I didn't. I took the movies/TV shows far too seriously as a child. She could chuckle at MAGIC, IT'S ALIVE, THE SHINING, SUSPIRIA, SCHIZOID or whatever Z-grade flick was showing at the local drive-in, etc. I couldn't.

Nothing out of the wildest dreams of Dario Argento, Larry Cohen or her favourite Stephen King will ever match the horror I felt watching her die after battling breast cancer for seven years. If a director wants to make a truly horrifying movie, s/he will have cancer as the "monster in the dark," ever lurking, always waiting. It is far more truly frightening than any bloody monster, mutant or alien.

I remember watching some of the old Hammer Horror flicks with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing in her last weeks of life (including the unintentionally hilarious DRACULA: A.D. 1972), and considering how really silly they were compared to my lady warrior's real-life struggle. She made Xena The Warrior Princess or Buffy The Vampire Slayer look like Mary bloody Poppins.

To all of the KINDERTRAUMEN: The next time your loved one wants to hold your hand or grab you whilst watching a horror flick…let them. You know what you are watching on TV, celluloid, DVD or your other favourite medium is fake and temporary. The REAL horror in life is losing someone you love, which I am facing right now. I would rather go face-to-face with "the Xenomorph," the "Davis baby" or Damien Thorn.

I could binge-watch all of THE OMEN films and laugh at them compared to the real struggle of watching someone you love lose their final battle. The same goes for the silliness that was THE AMITYVILLE HORROR that was ultimately proven to be a hoax. Even the most effective horror directors can say "CUT!" and Robert Englund can go have coffee with his co-stars, or have fun playing Lou Cifer on MARRIED…WITH CHILDREN (which was a hilarious turn of form for Mr Englund!) taking the Bundys and their neighbours to Hell.

I cannot do that now. I remember watching the Director's Cut of ALIEN when she and I were the only two people in the cinema and she would grab hold of me during the more suspenseful moments of Sir Ridley Scott's very effective "what-you-don't-see-is-more-frightening-than-what-you-DO-see" direction.

We were going to rent THE CAR after I showed her the trailer on YouTube and have a good laugh at it.

All those reading: Enjoy the entertainment, frightful as it may be, with your loved ones, while you have a chance.

Traumafession:: Mary C. on Bizarro Santa from Space Ghost Coast to Coast

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I recently ran into something that messed me up as a young child (6? 7?) and seeing how it was Christmas-related and it's December now, I'd like to share it to you guys.

It's Bizarro Santa from Space Ghost Coast to Coast.

See, I was a huge fan of C2C, Zorak was the best, tied with Space Ghost, but this episode I'm not even sure what happened in it except there was Santa Claus and he was "ho ho ho"ing, and suddenly everything went dark as an eye grew from him and he mutated into his "true" form, an Eldritch thing dubbed "Bizarro Santa".

Bloody hell. This was on Cartoon Network, mind you, the show had yet to move to Adult Swim. Thankfully I repressed it in time for the real Santa to deliver my presents, as I remember seeing it around the holiday season.

The episode in question's called "Girl Hair". Check it out.

Name That Trauma:: Xminus on a Chiller Van Helsing Short

Posted on By unkle lancifer

A while ago on the TV channel Chiller I watched a short. I can't find it or remember the time I watched it. It was some time in the past 14 years. I think it was about the five senses of fear. It involved a guy looking for love who finds a rather attractive woman and all I remember is that they go to a hotel, the door closes and there is a sound of screaming coming from the room. The camera zooms out to a doctor's bag and the name on the bag is Van Helsing! The name of the short I am thinking of is "(unknown name)"s lament." That is all I can remember. Did I make this up? I can not find this anywhere on the web. Can you help?

Name That Turkey!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving! I know it's not nice to call a movie a turkey but I'm going to do it anyway in order to make this post holiday themed. Below are ten images from ten semi-terrible movies that are hated by normal humans but loved to death by yours truly. How many of these must-see gems do you recognize?

Streaming Alert:: Comet's Freaky Feast Marathon

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Heads up! On Thanksgiving Day, if you end up hungry for some killer entertainment, our old pals over at COMET TV have got you covered in fantastic horror gravy with their FREAKY FEAST MARATHON! You can catch COMET for FREE on your home computer HERE or on your trusty TV via cable or magical airwaves! Let's check out the schedule!

SUPERBEAST = 10 am ET/PT (9 am CT- 11 am MT)

I don't know this movie and it's on too early for me to watch so I'll use this space to explain that in all cases below, whatever the time the movie is on at ET/PT (Eastern and Pacific Time) it is on an hour earlier in Central Time and an hour later in Mountain Time. Luckily, I live in Eastern Time so no math for me!

THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN = 12pm ET/PT

This slimy 1977 sci-fi gross-out may be slow as molasses in spots but who can resist special effects from the legendary RICK BAKER? It's not nearly as scary as I imagined it would be when I caught the TV commercial as a kid but if you're on a diet and looking to curb your appetite, it might just do the trick!

HOWLING II: YOUR SISTER IS A WEREWOLF =2pm ET/PT

I don't mind telling you I was absolutely outraged when I first saw this movie back in the day. Has a horror sequel ever dived so steeply in quality from its predessessor? Years (more like decades) later though, when I was less of a fussbudget, I came to realize that HOWLING II's cheap, anarchic flippancy was more fun than a barrel of were-monkeys. My constant re-watching of this brash atrocity reminds me of my favorite line from the poem "You Are Old Father William" from Lewis Carroll's ALICE IN WONDERLAND:

"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

THE VIDEO DEAD = 4pm ET/PT

Let me cheat and quote myself from when we last suggested this humble humdinger on a past SUNDAY STREAMING post:

"THE VIDEO DEAD is a true one of a kind flick. It's sometimes legit creepy, sometimes legit hilarious and all the time legit charming. It's never stingy with the gore and the surprisingly impressive special effects and some of the ghouls shambling about have some serious personality (wait till you meet the bride)! There's a sweet homegrown backyard feel to this 1987 straight to video release but it runs at a good clip and features more creative set pieces than a dozen Hollywood productions. Mostly, it's just pure unadulterated eighties-style fun and the fact that writer/director ROBERT SCOTT never went on to make another horror movie is a crime against the undead."

THE BEAST WITHIN = 6pm ET/PT

Where to start with this insane movie? For one thing, it was directed by the same guy (PHILIPPE MORA) who brought you the aforementioned HOWLING II: YOUR SEQUEL IS AN OUTRAGE and for another thing, it involves a mutant cicada. Furthermore I sort of love it and wrote a full review back HERE.

CREATURE 8pm ET/PT

Somehow CREATURE has become one of my most favorite ALIEN retreads. I think it has a lot to do with its impressive cast (Why isn't DIANE SALINGER a household name?) and the fact that it gives you some crystal clear sightings of its monster. Check out the mini-tribute I wrote not so long ago HERE.

There you have it and what more could you possibly ask for? I know what I'm thankful for this year and it's COMET TV (especially a couple nights ago when I couldn't get to sleep and happily found out they were showing BLOOD AND LACE (full review HERE)). COMET TV is always there when you need it.

Name That Trauma:: Dylan Donnie-Duke on a Lascivious Chameleon

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey Kindertrauma! Dylan Donnie-Duke from The Walter Paisley Movie House here! A TWPMH member asked this question, and I am at a loss, so I am looking to the real experts for help. Thanks in advance! Here's what he asked:

Do any of you Gen Xers remember an animated movie from the early 80s? I think it was on HBO a lot. It was about pirates, brothers who were a pirate and an admiral, and there was this weird Chameleon critter in it as well. I also seem to remember this movie being somewhat lascivious.

Name That Trauma:: Dustin in Minnesota on a Candlelight Translation

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hello Horror Fans!

I am trying to recall the title of either a short story adapted for television, or a television episode that I saw around 1979-1983.

I don't remember much about it. It was on one of those PBS educational shows where they would adapt a youth novel or short story for television. The only scene I remember involved a girl trying to guess what something meant in French (and coming remarkably close, for a guess).

She thought it *sounded like* it might mean "ghost if I can," or "devil if I can.' The translation was something like "diable si je peux," which does indeed translate into "devil if I can." I don't think she was a native speaker, because she was reading it and trying to figure out. She actually said the second part "sounds" like "if I can."

It was a darkened room, possibly a study or library in an old house where she was reading. Suspenseful music was playing, and she may have been reading by candlelight

That's all I remember. Did anyone else see this?

Thanks

Dustin in Minnesota

Name That Blood Movie!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Below are ten images from ten films that all have the word BLOOD in the title! How many of these BLOOD-titled moves can you identify?

Screening Alert:: Blessed Are the Children

Posted on By unkle lancifer

If you live in the lovely city of Philadelphia or are Philly-adjacent you should scrap whatever plans you've made for this Saturday night (November 18) and swing on down to South Street. I say this because KINDERTRAUMA and THE PHILADELPHIA UNNAMED FILM FESTIVAL (AKA PUFF) are teaming up to host a very special screening of CHRIS MOORE's twisted shocker BLESSED ARE THE CHILDREN! You can read my full review of this fine flick right over HERE or just believe me when I tell you to do yourself a favor and go see it! This is sure to be a fun one to watch with a crowd and I think you'll really dig the unique screening space at 327 South Street (right across from the good ol' TLA Theater!) The movie starts at 8PM which means you can still go out afterwards and get drunk (but not if you're driving). Check out the trailer below and be there (327 South Street at 8PM on Saturday the 18th) or be square!