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Streaming Alert:: Hercules (1983)

July 31st, 2011 by unkle lancifer · 7 Comments

We’re talking about Netflix Streaming again so…woot. With so much super crappy stuff going on in the world it seems dumb to stay mad at Netflix, especially when they offer great spectacular entertainment like the movie we’re talking about today, the incredible HERCULES (1983). I must thank my golden pal Kate of LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE for today’s choice. It was Kate’s enthusiastic review (HERE) that convinced me that I had to check it out. Her always wonderful writing and choice selections of screenshots were convincing enough but the deal was set in stone when she informed me that this opus was directed by LOUIS COATES aka LUIGI COZZI, the man responsible for one of my starving eyeball’s favorites feasts STAR CRASH.

As Kate mentions in her piece, Italian director CAOTES/COZZI tends to deliver snuggable rip-offs of American hits. STAR CRASH butted in line behind STAR WARS; the sticky CONTAMINATION plopped down in place after ALIEN, and HERCULES swipes pies from both CLASH OF THE TITANS and CONAN THE BARBARIAN’s window. Talent borrows, genius steals and super geniuses steal and add Christmas lights and cleavage. If you want me to tell you the plot of HERCULES, have a nice wait. All I can say is that it offers the only satisfying explanation of the creation of the universe that I have ever heard and it supports my own personal theory that if there are higher powers at work, then they totally get off on sticking invisible “kick me!” signs on all of our backs.

Furthermore, I’ll take LOU FERRIGNO over ARNOLD any day of the week. They both look like clown-crafted, ready-to-pop balloon animals but only LOU has humanity in his peepers. I don’t even care that his voice is clearly dubbed in HERCULES, if I had my way, we’d all be dubbed. Hey, this is not a movie to turn towards if you are looking for master acting or lucid storytelling anyway. This is the type you just sit back and bask in the beauty of. I’m sorry but this truly is my idea of lovely, everything sparkles and glows and there are a thousand clashing colors and it’s like huffing at the trash dump and seeing rats as stallions and roaches as swans. It’s all swimming in makeshift extravagance and tin can opulence and fishing wire prosperity. If it doesn’t cure you, then you are not sick. Words, schmords, blorbs. It’s better to look at the pictures….

Tags: Caution: I break for geniuses! · Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert!

7 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Joanna BoeseNo Gravatar // Jul 31, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    A Golan/Globus Production presented by the Cannon group? Now that right there is the SHIZZ-NITE.

  • 2 tehdarwinatorNo Gravatar // Jul 31, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Love, love, love this movie! Going back to the 80’s I’ve had parties to share this gem with the people I love. There are no words to describe the magnificence of this production. Abs and boobs (male and female) mixed with the worst wigs ever, and ROBOTS, for no apparent reason. Hercules is a perfect storm of cheap spectacle and complete nonsense. Timeless!

  • 3 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Jul 31, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    I can’t believe I forgot to take a picture of when they turned into dolls and rode a chariot across space! I had to stop though, I took about three times as many pictures as I posted. I have to track down the sequel now and I need both on Blu ray I think. I also forgot to mention the excellent Pino Donaggio score! This movie is just busting with awesome and non-stop gloriousness.

    Here is an abridged version for those on the go….

  • 4 David FullamNo Gravatar // Jul 31, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    Saw this at the movies the day before I began the hell called Junior High. My folks and the audience loved it! We had a blast, and were amazed to see pro wrestler Rick Steamboat and his wife (at the time) in the crowd too! I was too shy to talk to him though. The female flesh on display was quite pleasing to my pubescent eyes. God bless Italy!

  • 5 jimdandytothefescueNo Gravatar // Jul 31, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    Olympus is a 13-year-old boy’s disco…with Sybil Danning.

  • 6 PinchyNo Gravatar // Aug 1, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Thanks to one of many questionable parental decisions made by my family from 1975 to 1985, I actually remember seeing this in the theater.

  • 7 VicarOfVHSNo Gravatar // Aug 1, 2011 at 11:08 am

    “Talent borrows, genius steals and super geniuses steal and add Christmas lights and cleavage.”

    THAT is brilliance, and a prime example of why I have a WordPress sign-in/account for the sole purpose of logging in here to praise Unk and Auntie!

    I already NEEDED to see this movie after Kate’s write-up, but now it’s on the schedule in ink. By the end of this week I will have seen this–your grabs make it look just as beautiful and insane as STARCRASH, a feat I would not have thought possible.

    And is that Jon Stewart as Zeus? 😀

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