How does one measure the traumatic effect of adrenaline-fueled anticipation followed by sheer unadulterated soul crushing disappointment? For the pint-sized nerds in training who were unfortunate enough to witness the lone broadcast of THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL the level of utter bewilderment it inspired created a life long scar and initiated them forever into the ranks of the walking wounded. Imagine the cruelty of discovering Lucas’s fantastic universe only to watch it be savagely debased by LAND OF THE LOST level special effects and a DONNY AND MARIE SHOW level cavalcade of bottom feeder guest stars. I actually believe that this much bootlegged atrocity has the power to drive the viewer insane. It is a viscous slap in the face of all that is rational and is the equivalent of a pixelated k hole. Grotesque dance numbers that would have been rejected from SOLID GOLD are sandwiched between scenes of a Wookie family being terrorized by storm troopers and sub moronic HARVEY KORMAN sketches. If you are strong enough to make it to the finale that involves CARRIE FISHER singing to the original film’s theme, you will be rewarded with a montage of footage from the classic film as a sort of nasty taunt of the world you’ve left behind. Some of this spaceship wreck is indeed hilarious, and modern viewers will find much to laugh at, but I guarantee you, that laugh will slowly die and be replaced by a growing fear that there is something very, very wrong in the universe.
INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Unbearable dialogue-free opening consists of what seems like hours of nonsensical Wookie speak that sounds like a donkey being beaten to death by a 2×4
• Grandpa Itchy’s holiday gift entails virtual DIANE CARROL porn
• Crazy-making miniature Cirque de Soliel dance number
• Imperial guard can’t resist tapping his fingers to JEFFERSON STARSHIP
• BEA ARTHUR is cruised by HARVEY KORMAN at Mos Eisley Cantina and delivers a song that clears the house.
• BEA reveals a clandestine relationship with an alien; “Short memory eh Thorpe?…SHORT MEMORY!” (Understandably, Thorpe appears to have blocked this drunken indiscretion from his mind).