Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory

A bunch of “lucky” kids win a contest. The prize? Abu Ghraib style psychological torture and the chance to have their very souls judged by a megalomaniac and his mutant band of Tang colored goons. In case you’ve repressed the level of abject terror to be found behind the walls of the factory, we leave you with these choice lyrics crooned by the Charon like guide as they plunge down his psychedelic river Styx…

There’s no earthly way of knowing
which direction we are going
There’s no knowing where we’re rowing
Or which way the river’s flowing

Is it raining, is it snowing
Is a hurricane a-blowing

Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of Hell a-glowing
Is the grisly reaper mowing

Yes, the danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they’re certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing


  • Angela’s Ashes home life means four grandparents per bed ala’ BOB&CAROL&TED&ALICE
  • Mr. Slugworth in general
  • Umpa Lumpas in general
  • Wonka in general
  • The hellish boat ride that showcased the decapitation of a live chicken
  • Death or near death by chocolate, bad egg appraisal, fan blades, television shrinkage and Gobstopper
  • Wonka’s meany act followed by the revelation that it was all just an elaborate mind fuck
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14 years ago

I love love love this movie…..one of my all time favorites (second only to GREASE) but as a kid I would always get a sick feeling when the Oompah loompahs would show up. They creeped me out! They ruined the whole “God I Love This Movie!” experience for me. Same thing goes for the guy who caught children in CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG.

12 years ago

the ‘tunnel sequence’ left me feeling uneasy for quite some time afterward. if i remember correctly, along with the decapitation of the live chicken you also get to see a snail sliming its way over someone’s face and some earthworms thrown in for good measure too?? argh!