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...:::Sunday Streaming:::...

Sunday Streaming:: The Legend of Boggy Creek (1972)

January 15th, 2017 · No Comments

Back in the day, one of the scariest movies you could crash into while driving down the UHF highway was the drive-in classic THE LEGEND OF BOOGGY CREEK. It didn’t matter what time of day it was, something about this flick could make you feel like it was the dead of night. Based on so-called actual events and starring real witnesses in reenactments, THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK may be the first faux-documentary horror film ever conceived. With all the polish of a high school Science Ed film, it spins the tale of a town called Fouke terrorized by a hairy Big Foot-type monster. Big Foot or “Sasquatch” carries little weight in the national psyche these days, but once upon a time he was the physical embodiment of the wilderness’s last stand against mankind’s complete appropriation of nature.

The movie itself is a time capsule showcasing a world that no longer exists both within the film (the technology-free town) and without (the film’s identity as drive-in fare). Many scenes are laughable by today’s standards, thanks to sub-par acting and the obvious limitations of an ape suit, but BOGGY CREEK still has its own quiet power. This is campfire story material and the viewer surely has to be in the right mood to be effected by its vague G-rated violence. The sad fact is, with psychopaths and terrorism lurking about in the real world, it may be difficult for modern audiences to empathize with the fear of the wild. Whatever is coming to get us, we can pretty much assume it’s not coming from the woods. In fact, at this point nature certainly has more to fear from us. Still, maybe there’s something ancient in our DNA that fearfully relates…

Kindertraumatically, at the end of the film the narrator returns to the location of his early childhood fears and he surprises himself by actually longing to hear the howl that once terrified him, “Just to be a reminder that there is still a wilderness left.” Sadly, I’d venture that there’s probably a Starbucks in that space today. BOGGY can still be a lot of fun and its influence is ever reaching (BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, PARANORMAL ACTIVITY et al.), but it’s hard to be truly scared of a monster you mostly feel sorry for. That being said, I’m happy to report that sightings of the Fouke monster continue on. Maybe there’s still a little kick in the old boy after all. Take that Starbucks (P.S. this is a re-vamping of an old review. I plagiarized myself)!

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Tags: Sunday Streaming

Traumafessions: Unk on Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things

January 8th, 2017 · 5 Comments

Director BOB CLARK’s name rightfully pops up every holiday season in connection to his contrasting holiday classics A CHRISTMAS STORY and BLACK CHRISTMAS. If those monumental movies weren’t enough to cement his status as a potent filmmaker you’ve also got the influential teen sex comedy PORKY’S and the allegorical Vietnam war zombie flick DEATH DREAM as further proof. But it’s the mention of CLARK’s too often shrugged off, earlier living dead soiree CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS that still sends a quiet chill of dread down my spine. How can that be? The movie is hilarious camp! Why, just look at the character’s outdated clothes and hairstyles! What a chuckle fest! Sure, maybe I take it less seriously these days and maybe I even find lumps of it annoying and borderline boring but the damn thing still makes me privately wince on some level.

I could brush it away and say that my aversion stems from having caught its ghoulish dime store depravity too many times at too late an hour at a far too impressionable age but the disquiet feels deeper than the echo of nostalgia. As sarcastic and theatrical as CHILDREN loudly presents itself to be, there’s no painting over its oppressive wall of infinite-seeming eeriness. It gets to me. Those electric seventies howling bleeps and whistles, the painful groaning of slow-motion visuals and especially its neon meets inky oblivion color pallet. It’s as if if THE BRADY BUNCH cancelled their Grand Canyon camping trip and decided to vacation in DOGVILLE instead. Nothing can freak me out faster than that dense end of the world background blackness. It‘s a forewarning of that air guitar riddled FAMILY TIES episode in which Alex mourns his dead friend Greg. It’s freaky and off-putting but there’s a swirl of stripped down borderline humiliating coldness to it too. Black isn’t a color, black eats colors for breakfast. We’re all heading there, right?

On a brighter note: Orville! I genuinely love this guy! Every living dead flick worth its salt should have one standout signature zombie and in my book, Orville leaves most of his shuffling brethren in the dust. To truly understand and get the most out of this picture you must both FEAR and ROUTE FOR Orville. As much nausea as he may inspire, and as much dread as he might instill, the long suffering lummox is so outrageously disrespected that its not difficult to find his patiently prepared, masterly marinated stew o’ vengeance delectably delicious. You know, if the whole world has to come crashing down for Orville to have the last laugh on his smug oppressor, I’m absolutely OK with that…and fall down it does. Are spoiler warnings even necessary when talking about zombie flicks? You can bet your bottom dollar this baby closes out with the pessimistic understanding that we’ve only witnessed the tip of the iceberg in regards to the world’s well-deserved demise.

Hey, this traumafession about how CSPWDT scared me as a kid and still creeps me out today, also happens to be a “Sunday Streaming” post cuz I found it on YouTube! Like I nearly said before, the dialogue can be perturbing and the acting hammy and the pace almost dawdling but there’s still something unnerving burrowing around here. If nothing else, you have to admit that the title remains sound advice. Respect the dead today because tomorrow they’re YOU!

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Tags: Sunday Streaming · Traumafessions

Sunday Streaming:: Fortress (1985)

December 18th, 2016 · 1 Comment

Even though the super suspenseful mid-eighties cable staple FORTRESS (1985) isn’t exactly a Christmas movie, there’s no denying that if features one of the scariest Santa Claus masks of all time! Don’t believe me? Check out the images above and below and click HERE to read a classic traumafession on the matter! Better yet, watch the movie below before it’s swiped off the YouTubes! Heck, it even stars your favorite human RACHEL WARD of NIGHT SCHOOL (1981) and THE FINAL TERROR (1983) fame! How can you go wrong? You can’t!

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Tags: Sunday Streaming

Name That Sunday Streaming :: Mind Killer (1987)

October 23rd, 2016 · No Comments

Email from Babydudeish: I’m trying to figure out the name of a movie from the ’80s where a college student’s brain keeps enlarging and so does his head. There’s a scene where he is chased in a library.

Reply from UNK: I know that one! That’s MIND KILLER! It’s from the same kooky director as that NIGHT VISION flick we checked out back HERE!

Conformation from Babydudeish: Yes! That was it! Phew. Thank you. It’s been bothering me for over a week. Haha.

UNK SEZ: Hey, MIND KILLER is on YouTube! Let’s say we turn this Name THAT TRAUMA into a SUNDAY STREAMING post!

The Entire Planet: Yay!!!

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Tags: Name That Trauma! · Sunday Streaming

Sunday Streaming:: Cemetery of Terror (1985)

October 16th, 2016 · No Comments

For the past five or so years Mexico’s CEMETERY OF TERROR (1985, aka Cementerio del terror) has been an important part of my Halloween diet. Director RUBEN GALINDO Jr. (DON’T PANIC) deliciously mixes up sweet and seasonal graveyard hijinks (sort of like ABC’s fellow THRILLER-wannabe of the same year, THE MIDIGHT HOUR) with some sharp and salty supernatural stalking (sort of like Italy’s more gritty and gruesome HALLOWEEEN cousin, JOE D’AMATO’s faux GRIM REAPER (aka ANTHROPOPHAGUS) follow up, ABSURD (1981)). If you are looking for something more meaty than me trying desperately to fill out a paragraph with things I’m picking straight off the IMDB tree, jump over to my original slobbering review way beck HERE (Hey, don’t judge; it’s Sunday, the KT gold bar is serving Narragansett, I just got my record player fixed and I gotta get my MISSING PERSONS on). The important thing is, you can sample out CEMETERY OF TERROR below and if you dig it, buy the DVD so that you can happily watch it every year forever as I do.

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Tags: Sunday Streaming

Sunday Streaming: Hollow Gate (1988)

October 2nd, 2016 · No Comments

Hey, it’s high time for another installment of Sunday Streaming! I don’t exactly recommend today’s pick because it’s mostly aggravating and generally tedious but I’m going to spotlight it here anyway so that I know where to find it! Ya see, just about every year, at around this time, I wonder to myself what is the name of that movie that begins at the Halloween party with the father trying to drown his son while he’s bobbing for apples? And it takes me forever to remember. No, it’s not INCIDENT AT RAVEN’S GATE and no, it’s not the Horshack-starring HELLGATE, it’s HOLLOW GATE! HOLLOW, HOLLOW, HOLLOW GATE! Now it is forever carved into my pumpkin head. I hope.

Picture this, Philadelphia in the late eighties and a young bright eyed and bushy-tailed Unk with a rolled up issue of GORE ZONE magazine in the back pocket of his overalls, searches the city for horror-themed entertainment! Back then there was not only a movie theater on every corner but also a video store too! Why, they rented videos in the drug stores back then! The oddest video store I recall was on the bottom floor of a nearby office building. It had one door to the sidewalk, one door that lead into the building and was smaller than a school bus inside. It had the tiniest selection and yet that selection consisted of hard to find titles I rarely bumped into anywhere else. They even had the notorious 555 (also 1988) in its bright pink florescent box! Working nights at the time, I would day-rent there; CHILLERS (1987), THE UNNAMABLE (1988), THE VIDEO DEAD and eventually, THE DEAD PIT with its blinking eyes!

Anyway, I rented HOLLOW GATE at that joint and I had the highest hopes for it because it took place on Halloween but it totally let me down. To be fair, there is one scene involving characters having to flee across an open field at night that has a somewhat eerie, nonsensical nightmare quality to it but in general, this flick will try your patience. Then again, in the right mood, the killer’s snippy lead balloon one-liners and the teen victims barely intelligible histrionics can be borderline hilarious. I guess it all depends on how much you enjoy not-so-great HALLOWEEN rip-offs. It looks like these days, HOLLOW GATE has found itself under the caring wing of the fine folks at TROMA and that information may be more telling than anything I can offer. More importantly, when someone asks you to list films that take place on Halloween (and they will) this film’s title is a legitimate response! That is, as long as you can remember what the title is. That title is HOLLOW GATE and you can watch it below! I apologize in advance that it features killer Golden Retrievers…

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Tags: Sunday Streaming

Streaming Alert:: Pumpkinhead and Monkey Shines Via Comet TV!

March 13th, 2016 · 3 Comments

Get this, COMET TV is a brand new channel that features science fiction and horror films every day of the week. Even better, you can now LIVE stream COMET TV right on your computer! This means I can watch TV in any room of my house even the many sad rooms that don’t have cable! I don’t know about you but I am on this like white on rice! Check out the full schedule (HERE)!

There is a delicious marathon going down shortly! PUMPKINHEAD is stomping into your living room at 2:00 and then that adorable Ella the monkey makes a house call at 4:OO with a showing of the ever so awesome MONKEYSHINES! Plus even though I didn’t have room for them in the title of this post, our old buddy MAD MAX crashes the party at 8:00 and then it’s off to the scariest house that ever existed with the Kindertrauma-klassic BURNT OFFERINGS at 10:00 starring master thespian KAREN BLACK and the voluptuous OLIVER REED. Wait, did I get that backwards? Nope. Anyways, you should get on this generous smorgasbord today and every day! I know I will. Thanks COMET TV! I think I love you (LIVE STREAM HERE)!

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Tags: Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert! · Sunday Streaming

Sunday Streaming: Starship Troopers (1997)

January 31st, 2016 · 5 Comments

Hey, STARSHIP TROOPERS is free to view on CRACKLE (HERE)! What’s that? You don’t think of STARSHIP TROOPERS as having anything to do with horror? I’ll be sure to tell that luckless soldier whose decapitated head is flying in the opposite direction of his severed torso that you feel that way. I’m sure he’ll find your assessment comforting when his intestines fall like ribbon confetti all over his frozen in mid-scream face.

I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but I find STARSHIP TROOPERS to be a non-stop hurricane of creepy-crawly monstrous entertainment. Why, I came across it the other night flipping channels and regardless of how late it was, I could not turn the darn thing off! When it first came out (way back in ‘97), I naturally dug the goopy effects but felt the storyline was over the top hokey and way too rah-rah action figure oriented. Well guess what, I was a real dope because that off-putting, nationalistic, hurray for blondes, xenophobic, militaristic vibe was part of it its not- so- subtle in hindsight, elbowing point. It’s so ahead of its time. I can’t even call it satire because it’s basically just reality sprinkled with giant bugs.

Blah, I should probably stay away from the political because, first of all, I’m too sheltered/ignorant and second of all, that’s the most boring way to approach a piece of art that features the fantasy acting trio of CLANCY BROWN, MICHAEL IRONSIDE and RUE McCLANAHAN. If those three aren’t enough to crack your toes, there are spaceships exploding everywhere and stampede after stampede of marauding alien insects. How can you go wrong? This is the type of movie that if it senses you are loosing interest, it will mercilessly whip CASPER VAN DIEN! Word on the street is that STARSHIP TROOPERS is PAUL VERHOEVEN’s favorite film that he ever directed and I’m suddenly inclined to agree with him. It’s just so fantastic and epic and gleefully indulgent and brilliantly subversive and slyly progressive and gorgeously ugly and somehow equally sharp and squishy and like all great underappreciated movies, it further solidifies and simply gets better by the day. Plus, it’s basically SAVED BY THE BELL meets ROBOCOP and ain’t nothing wrong with that.

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Tags: Sunday Streaming

Sunday Streaming:: Castle Freak (1995)

January 17th, 2016 · No Comments

I got some good news for ya. Did you know that you could be watching STUART GORDON’s CASTLE FREAK for free on Hulu if you so desired HERE? How do you dig them apples? Now, I’ll be honest with you, this flick didn’t exactly rock my world when I first caught it back in the day. I think it’s because GORDON’S RE-ANIMATOR blew the top of my head off and then his FROM BEYOND blew the sides of my head off and then DOLLS blew the bottom of my head off and there was really no part of my head left to blow up by the time CASTLE FREAK came along. I used to think my expectations were too high but I’ve come to the realization that –duh- GORDON was going for a much more somber feel on purpose.

Anyway, these days I can appreciate CASTLE FREAK for a lot of the reasons I once gave it a shrug. CASTLE FREAK may not deliver the pulse-pounding, over-the-top excitement of GORDON’S aforementioned masterpiece trilogy but it’s absolutely dripping with gloomy gothic atmosphere and leads JEFFREY COMBS and BARBARA CRAMPTON deliver top-notch, albeit mournful, performances. It utilizes its Italian location to the fullest and it’s a great Old Dark House flick even if the old house is actually an old castle. Plus monster! Me love monster! If you haven’t seen it in a while, give it another go. NOTE: I must subtract five points for tormenting a ginger cat.

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Tags: Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert! · Sunday Streaming

Sunday Streaming :: Gargoyles (1972)

January 10th, 2016 · 3 Comments

Hey kids, I gotta plan that’s sure to cheer you up today. Let’s say we sneak on over to that SHOUT FACTORY TV joint and watch us some GARGOYLES (HERE)! It’s only one of the best TV movies ever to grace the small screen and, where I come from, it has a long history of hitting the spot on a Sunday afternoon. Heck, I could even write a traumafession on this slick flick as it always gave me an acute case of the heebie jeebies! It’s not the titular monsters so much (although they are impressively unnerving) as it is the general uncanny atmosphere. I don’t know why but the opening narration relaying the history of Satan, the multiple aerial gargoyle-eye views of pesky humans crawling about on Earth and the sinister simplicity of the perfectly captured pre-CGI, ominous slate gray skies all add up to me wanting my blanky. Plus JENNIFER SALT is in it! Unless you’ve just finished watching BRAIAN DE PALMA‘s SISTERS (1973) or a SOAP marathon (like me) there’s surely not enough SALT in your diet!

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Tags: Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert! · Sunday Streaming