...:::Tykes in Trouble:::...

When I was little I came across the 1940 SHIRLEY TEMPLE movie THE BLUE BIRD several times on television. It’s sort of the poor man’s THE WIZARD OF OZ with SHIRLEY playing the part of a girl named Mytyl who along with her brother Tytyl embarks on a journey through the past and future searching for happiness in the form of the title bird. The children are aided by their dog Tylo and their cat Tylette, who thanks to some fairy magic, have taken human form.

Based on a 1908 play by MAURICE MAETERLINCK, there’s plenty to find alarming about THE BLUE BIRD. The children’s journey begins in a vast graveyard, their dead grandparents show up to pelt them with guilt, trees transform into vigilantes and finally they end up in some weird limbo place where unborn children in togas howl and cry about how short their time on Earth will be. Personally I was unmoved by any and all of the insanity on display except the unfortunate and fiery death of my favorite character, the cat lady Tylette.

As I watched THE BLUE BIRD again recently as an adult I can see that much of it flew over my head as a kid, most notably the fact that Tylette the cat is clearly drawn as a sinister, mischievous presence and that her demise is meant to be somewhat deserved. Was there something wrong with me as a kid that I would automatically gravitate toward this malevolent malcontent? Before you judge, look at how awesome she is…

To be honest, even as an adult I have sympathy for this devil. She knows that if the children were to discover the blue bird of happiness that she would have to revert back to her former self and remain a “dumb slave to man” forever. So what if a couple tykes have to die in order for her to remain master of her own fate? Let’s face it; with names like Mytyl and Tytyl, those kids were bound for hard times anyway.

Tylette is brought to life by Oscar-winner GALE SONDERGAARD, who would go on to appear in several UNIVERSAL horror films like THE BLACK CAT (1941), THE SPIDER WOMAN (1944) and THE SPIDER WOMAN RETURNS (1946) (in which, again, GALE’s death is caused by fire.) She was originally cast as the wicked witch in THE WIZARD OF OZ who was first conceived as a sinister glamour-puss similar to the evil queen in Disney’s SNOW WHITE. When it was decided that a more haggard version of the witch was the way to go, GALE split and in came MARGARET HAMILTON. (HAMILTON nearly abandoned WIZARD herself when her costume caught fire and she was severely burned.) SODDENGAARD’s career was seriously hampered when her husband, director HERBERT BIBERMAN, was accused of being a communist during the infamous red scare of the early ‘50s; she died in 1985

You know, as unhappy as I may still be with Tylette’s fiery fate, there’s no way around the fact that her death is the most exciting part of the film. In fact, the movie kind of looses its steam as soon as she departs. I know we are meant to learn from this tale that happiness can only be found at home but if you ask me, without an evil, self-serving sociopath like Tylette to share it with, happiness is for the birds.

CREEPY NOTE: During the filming of THE BLUE BIRD four year old actress CARYLL ANN EKELUND was burned to death off set when her birthday dress (or Halloween costume, depending on your source) caught on fire. She was buried in the clothes she wore in the film.

ALSO: I feel I should warn you that THE BLUE BIRD was made into a musical in 1976 starring JANE FONDA, ELIZABETH TAYLOR and a tiny PATSY KENSIT as Mytyl. Believe it or not, this American, Soviet Union co-production was directed by legendary director GEORGE CUKOR. It could very well be one of the worst movies of all time and masochists can find it on Youtube. In this version, Tylette is portrayed by CICELY TYSON. CUCKOR accused TYSON of using voodoo to curse the film.

MORE CREEPY: No joke, I was in a thrift store yesterday and this song was playing on the loudspeaker…(yes, I’ve double checked the smoke alarms)

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I love JACK KETCHUM, he scares the hell out me and once opened, you’d need a crowbar to pry one of his books out of my hands. OFFSPRING, scripted by KETCHUM himself, is based upon the literary sequel to his inaugural terrorizer OFF SEASON. If you’re wondering why we’re being presented with an adaptation of a sequel before its predecessor, as with many movie head scratchers, it involves a behind the scenes legal issue of some sort. No matter, OFFSPRING works just as well as a standalone story. In fact, the skeletal plot shadows the original tale closely. Basically you have a group of civilized folks battling off a tribe of attacking feral cannibals. An ex-cop is brought in to aid the police and a bloody climax takes place in the cave dwelling of the snarly savages.

On the page KETCHUM can convince you of anything, but OFFSPRING, as a film, has a much steeper hill to climb. Even though I have to admit to being vaguely freaked during some scenes (particularly during the first major attack on the film’s happy family) there’s a great deal here that fails to persuade. I like to think of myself as pretty adept at forgiving a film its budgetary restrictions, but the cave here looks borrowed from SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS and unfortunately (thanks to Aunt John’s tutelage) I now know a bad wig when I see one. Trust me, the wild marauders depicted are truly disturbing in their actions but, much like in the case of the now dated original THE HILLS HAVE EYES, it’s difficult to always take the grunting, blackened-toothed actors in loin clothes seriously.

Lovers of raw, depraved cinema may find scraps to gnaw on here and I appreciate the sparse approach, especially in terms of the films soundtrack. Still, the lack of credibility remains a major roadblock. The reality is, bringing KETCHUM’s vicious vision unadulterated to the screen is probably not only impossible but also illegal. Where say, THE GIRL NEXT DOOR made up for its cinematic limitations by concentrating on tone and performances, OFFSPRING, by nature, hasn’t quite the same option. Director ANDREW VAN DEN HOUTEN (HEADSPACE) can’t really be faulted for going straight for the jugular but without a believably solid rack to hang his entrails on, it’s an empty gesture. OFFSPRING has disturbing moments for sure (how else can you describe an infant thrown like a football?), but mostly it just feels routinely (and too often, humorously)…off.

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In 1982 audiences across the globe cried like big babies because they didn’t get their Michael Myers rattle in HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH. Talk about pearls before swine, a critical and commercial failure, H3, or as I like to call it “The non-stop genius show” was considered the redheaded step child, black sheep, blighted pimple of the HALLOWEEN franchise for years. When H3 walked down the streets of town, spinsters called it a floozy and spit on its shoes. Thankfully one day everyone everywhere decided to stop smoking crack and woke up to the obvious slice of perfection before them and declared HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH the greatest robot-infested, killer mask thriller that involves a stolen rock from Stonehenge that TOM ATKINS has ever starred in and an unmitigated holiday classic for all eternity. Nice job catching up dum-dums!

HALLOWEEN 3 knows how great it is, but it’s not stuck up like some other sequels (get over yourselves TROLL 2 and LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE!) The reason it works as well as it does may be because it is respectful enough to honor many of the holiday classics that came before it, particularly the untouchable RANKIN AND BASS cannon. Hear me now and believe me never, I’ve compiled the evidence and I almost know what I’m talking about. Below are some instances of suspicious overlapping that will make even the most credulous among you go hmmm, like you’re at a C+C MUSIC FACTORY concert…

EVIL OLD BASTARDS!
Be it Conal Cochran or Burgermeister Meisterburger, one thing’s for sure, old rich white dudes with nothing but time on their hands want to rain on your parade. These guys hate holidays of all kinds because they promote joy and laziness amongst the masses.

SUFFER THE CHILDREN!
Our world’s innocent children are always the targets in these nefarious schemes! I’m not sure what is worse, taking a child’s toy away from them or making their head explode into a seething mass of snakes and vermin by way of vague witchery that incorporates Halloween masks, television signals and stone shavings from Stonehenge, but both sound like they would be about as appealing to a kid as a McDonald’s Salad Shaker.

CAPITALSM: A LOVE STORY
Putting aside children’s general unhappiness and/or mass annihilation, just think of what the absence of holidays would do to our struggling economy! Granted if Cochran’s plan were to come to pass, insecticides and snake trap sales would go through the roof, but only at the expense of the bankruptcy of Ferra Pan.

TOWNSPEOPLE ARE PARANOID AND NOSY!
In some cases they are fearful of strangers wearing bright red outfits and in other cases they are rightfully curious about what’s going on in that motel room between that old guy and that young chippy that could be his daughter.

NEVER TOO BUSY FOR HITTIN’ BOOTS
Everyone with awe inspiring facial hair knows that when the going gets tough, the tough get busy and by busy I mean, (insert gross sexual euphemism of your choice here) wink-wink, nudge-nudge or as the audience on FAMILY MATTERS says “Woooooooooo!”

CLOCKWORK MINIONS!
With the possible exceptions of Hitler and RACHAEL RAY, most obvious embodiments of evil have a hard time finding gullible yes men to do their bidding. Enter robots; robots do what you tell them to do and you never have to thank them or worry about unionization.

THE HERO IS CAPTURED!
Well, at least one of these guys gets to watch the original HALLOWEEN during entrapment.

EVIL HEADGEAR
A talking Easter bonnet or a booby-trapped Halloween mask; who’s to say which is more foul and diabolical?

BRAIN NUMBING TUNES!
What better way to get an audience to remember you than cramming a torturously repetitive song into their heads?

STILL NOT CONVINCED?
Neither am I, so here’s a shot of Mrs. Claus with her face blasted by a laser beam and a bug crawling out of her mouth!

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I admit to being completely turned off by the derivative box art for THE HILLS RUN RED, but from what I had gleaned from various sources the movie was not your typical Johnny-stab-lately. Indeed, although HILLS RUN RED could never be mistaken for top tier horror it has much to distinguish itself from the ranks of your typical straight to DVD muck. Don’t get me wrong, this jam is straight from the taco truck, the ingredients are cheapo and it’s not very pleasing to the eye, but for those with a hankering for something quick and filling with a bit of a spicy kick, it hits the spot.

Do you know what doesn’t cost anything? Having an interesting plot. THE HILLS RUN RED gets an instant leg up on its peers with its intriguing premise concerning a long lost eighties slasher flick and the lengths one cinemaphile will go to in order to track it down. Any horror movie fan who remembers the days before the Internet will recall just how elusive some of the lesser known jewels used to be. I couldn’t help feeling an instant sense of recognition with our main leads quest and got a nerd-on every time a faux poster or trailer for the fictional Holy Grail horror flick was shown.

Not that anybody needs to be getting their STREEP on in a film like this but the acting, borderline horrible in the first half of the film, becomes surprisingly good when situations require it. Perhaps the late in the game appearance of Mr. Awesome WILLIAM SADLER inspired the green pups. (Careful Mr. SADLER, you are approaching DOURIF/HENRICKSON territory in my heart.) By film’s end I was satisfied having gotten the “lost in the woods with a maniac” scenario I had ordered and then thankfully so much more. (Not to ruin anything, but I am a sucker for flicks that are kind enough to include an audience of corpses in the climax.)

Perhaps most importantly in a film of this kind is the fact that the killer “Baby face” works as a formidable threat and kudos to director DAVE PARKER for not being all stingy with his boogeyman. Gore hounds have a rare reason to rejoice as well, the murders depicted are for the most part gloriously old school and put many a recent slasher remake to shame. The over-the-top cartoon violence fun only wanes when the slasher tributes end and the more modern torture procedural is momentarily adopted.

For the most part, THE HILLS RUN RED’s weakest aspects tend to work in its favor. I’m sure if you are of the mind to enjoy the gore, the nudity and the monstrous hulk known as “Baby face” that you have shuffled your way through much more inept excursions than this. I wouldn’t be dusting off the mantel for too many awards if I was DAVE PARKER, but I would be patting myself on the back for delivering a fitting and surprisingly substantial addition the backwoods slasher sub genre.

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Believe the hype, ignore the backlash, the long awaited TRICK ‘R TREAT is definitely more treat than trick. Not only standing tall as an unabashed love letter to everybody’s favorite holiday, this movie succeeds as an ode to anthology films, horror comics and a twisted yet less cynical sensibility all but forgotten. If you’re a fan of eighties horror and have been missing the goofy dark fun of films like FRIGHT NIGHT, NIGHT OF THE CREEPS or especially CREEPSHOW, I guarantee you are going to gobble this up. It’s scary without being nauseating, funny without being brain dead and overall works like an injection of candy corn right into your veins. Sometime between now and the 31st of October do yourself a solid and rent or buy this film. If TRICK ‘R TREAT doesn’t get you in the Halloween spirit then frankly, you are a lost cause and deserve whatever egging, T.P.ing or flaming crap filled paper bag you find on your doorstep.

I won’t go into the whys and why nots of this films history. Most of you are probably aware that it missed a chance at a theatrical run and has wound up as a direct to DVD offering instead. Truth is, I’m not sure that modern audiences even deserve this kind of movie anyway. It’s beautifully shot, having no interest in looking sewer doused, characters are not required to be humiliated before death and at no point did I feel like somebody was trying to sell me a cell phone, a pair of jeans or a can of soda. If you’ve been waiting for the scariest movie ever made, keep waiting, this is more about that crisp creepy breeze that blows into town in autumn and the anticipation and excitement that occurs when darkness falls. It’s not a nail-biting ordeal; it’s a joyful, yet sometimes potently subversive salute to the convivial side of the macabre.

Remarkably director/writer MICHAEL DOUGHERTY has captured the spirit of All Hallow’s Eve like a bat in a fishing net, a feat made more impressive when you consider how many have failed at that task before him. Rather than compartmentalize his tales, he allows them to weave and interact and the result is rather innovative in the realm of anthology horror. This is obviously a work of love and it shows and although its final moments could have used a little extra punch, there are few things to complain about here. Maybe I’m suddenly old fashioned or maybe this film just falls right in line with my own tastes, but one thing is for sure, there’s no doubt I’ll to be watching TRICK ‘R TREAT every October (along with my other holiday standbys) till that old grim reaper comes and tears me away.

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Underrated and unpretentious KEVIN BACON plays underrated and unpretentious working stiff Tom Witzkey in STIR OF ECHOES. Tom, an ordinary guy who resents his ordinariness inadvertently becomes extraordinary when he allows himself to be hypnotized by his sister-in-law Lisa (habitual scene stealer ILLEANA DOUGLAS). Quirky Lisa has a long history of clashing with Tom’s grounded, prosaic view of the universe so after rummaging around in his head a bit she leaves a suggestion that he keep it all kinds of wide open in the future. Soon the once level headed and under stimulated Tom is exposing emotions previously kept under wraps and experiencing psychic phenomenon that he can’t control or understand. See what happens when you let down your guard for one second Tom? The ghosts, they come a knocking!

STIR OF ECHOES is an unassuming, straight shooting supernatural thriller that got elbowed out of the limelight by flashy juggernaut THE SIXTH SENSE way back in the olden days of 1999. STIR covers similar ground as SENSE involving a crime that must be exposed in order for its victim to cross over to the other side and it even has a kid (Tom’s son Jake ZACHARY DAVID COPE) who sees dead people. With its focus on character development and aversion to spectacle perhaps STIR, based on a novel by RICHARD MATHESON, would have been better suited for the small screen in the first place. Its strongest scenes rely on slightly tweaking everyday occurrences and its weakest involve needless C.G.I. and clumsily staged shock cuts.

On the other hand, STIR OF ECHOES the movie may suffer from the same complex as its main character; sometimes its commitment to efficiency blocks it from being truly spectacular. You can’t help feeling obliged to give it props for its earnest, responsible approach, but one wonders (particularly during a simple scene involving a ghost high jacking an episode of LIDSVILLE on T.V.) just how much more trippy and mind screwy it could have been if it just loosened up its blue collar and went nuts.

One of STIR’s undeniable feats is creating a neighborhood setting that actually comes across as real and inhabiting it with the type of humans that you might come across on any given day. I’m not sure throwing a pair of horned rim glasses on a lovely starlet (JENNIFER MORRISON) convinces me that she is a mentally challenged loner, but the intention is appreciated and that particular misstep happens late in the game. There are a few pointless pit stops and our ghost’s methods of getting her message across seem needlessly roundabout but the story is never less than intriguing and even if you see its final revelation coming from a mile away, you’ll want to stick around to watch how it effects the likable characters.

NOTE: Speaking of letting your freak flag fly, the potential expressive power of art and the film career of ILLEANA DOUGLAS, let’s take a moment to watch the short film MIRROR, FATHER, MIRROR by artist Roberta Allsworth. Not only does it reveal what it’s like to inhabit its creator’s specific skin, it’s got kindertrauma written all over it!

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May’s got some serious social problems; her desire to connect with others is at such a fever pitch that her needy frequency just ends up scaring folks away. What is it that could make a creative, smart, adorably attractive young lady like May a jittery, mumbling, palm-raping, cat assassinating, Shleprockian outsider with a romantic track record to rival Pepe Lepew? Why, it’s just gots to be kindertrauma! You heard that right, kindertrauma; the flavor you savor for life!

At the beginning of LUCKY MCGEE’s ode to Frankenstein, laundromats and hobo patches, we learn that as a child, titular character May (a stitching her way into legendary status ANGELA BETTIS) didn’t quite fit in with her peers. Before you say “Take a number, sister,” let me inform you that poor little mini-May (CHANDLER RILEY HECHT) had to wear a pirate patch on account of her eye being lazier than a Sunday morning hammock ride. Worse yet, her mom was one of those type “A” personalities — care to guess what “A” stands for? — always singing the praises of “perfection,” a word that should never be used unless you are talking about a pop-up puzzle game from Milton Bradley.

Mom tells little May “If you can’t find a friend, make one,” and presents her with a handmade doll on her birthday. This gesture might have been sweet if mom didn’t also inform May that the doll must never be touched and must be kept in a glass box forever. Although Suzy the doll does make a grand pal for the most part, May’s lifelong frustration with never being able to touch or feel her friend echoes her social discomfort and has a ripple effect that eventually results in a lot of BREEDERS music being played and ANNA FARRIS getting her throat slashed by duel scalpels.

As is often the fates’ hilarious sense of humor, the time period before adult May’s spiral into the abyss of howling madness and multiple homicides is that of rejuvenation and hope. After May has her eye fixed it seems all her childhood traumas are fixed too. She now has a new lease on life and is excited to share herself with others in a way previously thought impossible. Adam (SIX FEET UNDER’s JEREMY SISTO) appears to be the perfect dream date, what with all his curly dark locks and admiration for ARGENTO. As it turns out though, Adam only likes to make movies about people biting each other, he doesn’t like to be bitten so much himself, and when May tries to connect with him on what she perceives as his own level, she ends up with egg (and blood) on her face.

Don’t fret May! There are other guys out there and besides who cares about dudes when Polly (ANNA FARRIS) is barking up your tree? Polly ain’t a poseur, she won’t sweat a bite or two, but look out May, she’s not a one woman lady either! Broken hearted and scorned from every angle, May makes the only choice anyone ever can in such a situation and decides to chop off the good parts of those that torment her, scrap the crappy parts, sew all that junk together and make a decent person who can give a gal a break; but not before causing a bit of kindertrauma herself…

Sufferers of childhood trauma here’s a cure for what ails ya… cause some trauma your own darn self! Sometime before our May has her, “Ah-hah, I’ll just kill everybody!” moment (something that would never be approved of by OPRAH) she passes the kindertrauma baton on to a bunch of unsuspecting tykes. Having spied some blind children in her favorite park and feeling an affinity with their reliance on the act of touching in order to see, May volunteers at their school, and decides to introduce them to her BFF Suzy the doll. Only problem is, Suzy is behind glass so the kids can’t check her out at all, attempts to do so result in her case smashing on the floor and the children groping around in broken glass with bleeding fingers in an attempt to “see” her. (I gotta hand it to Suzy; for a doll that is not possessed, doesn’t carry a weapon and never becomes animated in anyway, she sure causes a ruckus!) Luckily, MAY has a happy ending where death and insanity grab the reigns of reality and yell “Giddy-up!” Poor May’s ordeal might be over, but just think of the stories those blind kids will be able to tell!

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If W.C. FIELDS was known for his reluctance to working with kids and animals, then there should be a list of actors that both child and four-legged performers should avoid at all costs. Based solely on her less than subtle performance in MOMMY, and I do mean that in the nicest was possible, PATTY McCORMACK tops my short list of actors children should not work with. On paper, MOMMY loosely reads like an imaginary sequel to McCORMACK’s most infamous work THE BAD SEED. Imagine if little Rhoda Penmark grew up, spawned a tow-headed daughter, became an alpha-Mom, and left a body count in her wake when said daughter Jessica Ann (the completely overwhelmed and out of her league RACHEL LEMIEUX) is overlooked for student of the year. In actuality though, MOMMY has too much working against it to rightfully be considered the heir apparent to the BAD SEED.

For starters, you know something is terribly wrong with a movie when you can barely hear the lead child actress mumble over the score. The omnipresent music in MOMMY takes on a life of its own and drowns out just about everyone except for McCORMACK who belts out every line like she is performing for the back row in a theatre production. I know the budget on this one was paltry, but surely there was a boom mike on set. Dial it down a notch PATTY! Taking the opposite approach is JASON MILLER (THE EXORCIST’s Father Karras) as the chain-smoking Lieutenant March hot on the heels of our murderous matriarch. Self-aware enough to realize that this vehicle is beneath his esteemed horror pedigree, his boredom is palpable.

Had MOMMY played it for laughs, like JOHN WATERS’ SERIAL MOM, it could be a contender as a camp classic. It features cameos by MAJEL BARRETT, the “First Lady” of STAR TREK and crime writer MICKEY SPILLANE, as well as undisputed B-Queen BRINKE STEVENS as the oddly eye-browed Aunt Beth. Not even this troika, bolstered by MILLER, can wrestle MOMMY away from McCORMACK. It’s ultimately her showcase, albeit a sorely disappointing one. Both she and the legacy of Rhoda Penmark both deserve much better.

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Oh THE BROOD, how I love thee. Is there any better horror film for Mother’s Day than THE BROOD? Is there any better horror film for any day than THE BROOD? From Kindertrauma’s inception, we’ve always felt a keen bond with this CRONENBERG masterpiece. Here is a film that deals with two of our favorite pet themes, “Tykes in Trouble” and “Kids Who Kill” (albeit mutant kids) and although we’ve mentioned it in numerous posts, we’ve yet to really stop and give it the proper attention it deserves. Why? Because I have been way too scared to. THE BROOD, like much of CRONENBERG’s work, is just so damn interesting on so many levels that it has always attracted absolutely fascinating discussions from minds much sharper than my own. How could little old me objectively examine something so grand when my gut instinct is to just bow down and kiss its feet? I guess I’m just going to have to man up because we need a proper THE BROOD post up in here and it’s not going to write itself. So here goes kids, I’m throwing my propeller beanie into the ring…

ART HINDLE plays Frank Carveth a guy with many an issue, the least of which is the fact that he seems to own only one pair of corduroys. Frank discovers wounds on his young daughter Candace’s back and suspects that they came courtesy of his strange, estranged and partially deranged ginger-ex Nola (perfectly cast hand grenade in a housecoat SAMANTHA EGGAR.) At the time Nola is undergoing unconventional therapy in a safe trap house called the Somafree Clinic, and any question as to whether this treatment will be beneficial is answered by the fact that Nola’s Doctor, Hal Raglan, is portrayed by a tightly coiled ham sandwich named OLIVER REED. We follow Frank as he learns that there is a hideous side effect to Raglan’s cutting edge work. Raglan’s patients’ pain, once drudged to the surface, manifest into physical form. In Nola’s case, troll like beast children are spawned and are set out into the world to express her rage mostly by smashing people on her shit-list in the face with blunt objects.

It might all sound a tad silly, but in CRONENBERG’s hands (or should I say through his mind?) it ends up saying more about the human condition (and family dysfunction in particular) than all the hand wringing dramas you can think of combined. Inspired by CRONENBERG’s own strenuous divorce, there is real venomous acrimony here. Some (including the director himself) claim THE BROOD is his answer to KRAMER VS. KRAMER, and if it is, than his “answer” is a smack of a wooden meat mallet to each Kramer’s skull with perhaps an extra little whack for the Mrs. As worthy as THE BROOD’s concepts about how the mind affects the body are, the larger truth unearthed involves how abuse lingers from generation to generation in a family like an unshakable hereditary disease. Now that I think about it, maybe both ideas are as compatible as broken vases and black eyes.

A funny thing happened on the way to the forum. While doing a little background reading on THE BROOD (yes, I was wearing bifocals) I came across, I’m sure a very well meaning person, who was outraged by a particular scene in the film. In the scene (which was built to disturb and therefore must be considered successful) a woman is savagely (and some say hilariously) bludgeoned to death in front of a group of young school children. The disgruntled viewer was upset that such a scene would ever be filmed with children present. I personally assume that precautions were taken like, I don’t know, telling the kids that they were filming a movie or perhaps editing things in such a way, but something about this person’s indignant tone stuck in my craw. It seems to me that a lot of adults spend a lot of time worrying about what children witness on television or in movies (as well they should), but not so much time worrying about what behavior they witness in their own homes. This might sound off topic, but I think that it is partially what THE BROOD is about, the lingering effects of witnessing domestic abuse (physical, verbal and psychological) and the curse of absorbing your elders’ insecurities and prejudices (not to mention, rage). Violence on the T.V. is scary (check out this site called kindertrauma…) but sometimes mom and dad and grandma and grandpa leave real lasting wounds that you can’t simply turn off with the flick of a switch.

Was that a soapbox I just stepped off of? I apologize, but as I said I cannot even pretend to critique THE BROOD; the movie is just too damn awesome and over my head. In order to leave on a positive note though, I will add this, the score, (the first of many done for CRONENBERG by HOWARD SHORE) is so incredibly perfect that it makes you want to slap someone.

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2008’s BABY BLUES (be careful there are two films from ‘08 which bear this title!) is a snarling little wombat of a movie and, like a misanthropic reality show contestant, it’s not here to make friends. A minimum of blood is actually spilt on screen, but its subject matter crosses a line that is sure to leave thin-skinned viewers clutching their pearls and mentally designing picket signs. Helen Lovejoy, ya better sit down, this movie is about a mommy who kills her very own children! Now, it’s a well known fact that the fairer sex is completely incapable of such atrocities in real life and that the history of the world has absolutely zero examples of a mother injuring her own children, but here it is anyway…they’ve gone and made a female version of THE SHINING!

This is a difficult little movie folks, and that’s why I like it. It’s not easy watching a mother decide that in order to properly clean house some moppet heads have to roll, but horror never signed up to be easy. In fact, horror pretty much yearns to make you feel a bit uncomfortable and my advice is to let it. I’m saying this because some viewers really are taking offense to this movie, which, in a way, I think is a good thing. Can someone please explain to me why Jack Torrance can run about swinging an axe at his family and wind up with his grinning mug on a Spencer’s Gifts refrigerator magnet, but as soon as a Mom decides to grab a meat cleaver and follow suit people get all fidgety? Sounds like some ol’ fashioned sexism to me! C’mon, there are not enough female horror icons as it is out there. I think it’s time we got behind our trauma-mommas and support their right to go nut-zo! Sure this mom actually snuffs an infant (off camera by the way) and I know nobody likes that idea much but omelets or eggs people? Do you want your delicious scary omelets or do you want to keep your boring eggs?

As illustrated by our list of the 10 MOST HORRIFYING MOVIE MOMS, there is a rich history of killer moms in horror cinema, so what is so especially unnerving about this one? (I mean besides the whole infanticide bit.) My guess is that part of the unease comes from the fact that BABY BLUES catches the viewer off guard by showing a pretty accurate and sympathetic view of mental illness in the beginning (I was reminded of the brilliant CLEAN, SHAVEN) and then it abruptly morphs into full on genuine stalk and slash by the end (Mom really does give Michael Myers a run for his money.) It’s a sharp turn to ask of an audience within such a short time. This clash of tones becomes shriller still when the poor soul we watched fighting off crying jags and audio hallucinations earlier in the film begins spouting out one too many clever zingers ala “Here’s Johnny!” It’s sort of like watching the LIFETIME Channel with one eye and FEARNET with the other, but gee; didn’t I just describe the greatest thing ever? I’ll admit that the logic defying closing scene is nearly impossible to swallow, but I chomped my nails like a cob of corn throughout the film and that’s more than enough for me.

Directors LARS E. JACOBSON and AMARDEEP KALEKA do a great job spotlighting images of warm domestic paraphernalia and creating ominous environments out of the typically mundane. There are some great performances here too from actors you’ll no doubt see much more of in the future. COLLEEN PORCH as “Mom” fearlessly goes from alpha to omega and brings to mind ANGELINA JOLIE when she still had some moxie and lived on Earth (oh, the halcyon days of GIA). RIDGE CANIPE as the final kid never seems less than real and that too can be said of the young actors who play his siblings. JOEL BRYANT as “Dad,” besides providing a much-needed dose of gravitizing stability, has now earned the title of permanent Kindertrauma pin-up (I had to explain to Aunt John that the title BABY BLUES was a reference to postpartum depression and not JOEL’s peepers.) This movie is certainly not for everybody, but if you dig real horror and are not afraid of a little squirming you should check it out. Heck, I’ll go one further and call it the perfect Mother’s Day gift!

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It was not too long ago that we received a “Name That Trauma!” about a movie in which a man driving his car has a run in with the ghost of his dead daughter. The movie turned out to be DAUGHTER OF THE MIND a television film that stars RAY MILLAND. (Is MILLAND an O.K. actor to be completely infatuated with? I hope so, because I am.) Finding out that the film also starred the ever fascinating GENE TIERNEY, of the too cool to comprehend LEAVE HER TO HEAVEN, and, not to mention Official Traumatot and seventies staple, PAMELYN FERDIN sealed the deal. I had to experience this thing and I had to do it soon.

I jumped through hoops, I mowed lawns, I did unmentionable things in convertibles that ended with me quoting THERESA RUSSELL (“See ya in church!”), and eventually I got my tiny spider claws on a copy. Was it worth it? Yea, DAUGHTER OF THE MIND is pretty darn sweet and although dated a bit, worth the rigmarole.

RAY MILLAND who has starred in three of the greatest things of all time, namely, THE LOST WEEKEND, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA and THE ATTIC plays Professor Samuel Constable, a guy who is troubled by recurrent visions of his deceased kid who likes to vaporize after making super heavy statements like, “I hate being dead.” His wife Lenore (TIERNEY) thinks he’s gone loco but parapsychologist Alex Lauder (DON MURRAY) gets a gander of the ghost girl and thinks he might be on to something.

Lauder is an appealing character, equal parts Mulder and Scully, not minding whether the chips land on science or spiritualism as long as he finds the truth. The script based on a novel by PAUL GALLICO (THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE) keeps the audience guessing along side Lauder and that is exactly what keeps things interesting. Add DAUGHTER to the long list of television movies that I would have loved to have seen go to series. Its 1969 air date suggests it could have been a real ground breaker.

Unfortunately the ultimate truths exposed are not quite satisfactory or even believable, but at that point you may have had such a good ride that you won’t care. (Why dis the whole meal just because the dessert blew?) It makes sense to me that many of those who saw this flick in their youth have zero recollection of the whole “world peace hangs in the balance” espionage sub-plot that makes off with the movie like a thief in the night. The supposed supernatural elements, the seances, the visions of that little girl lost in an unexplainable other world are truly haunting and linger long after the scientific explanations fade away.

A particularly effective bit has the apparition seemingly dipping her hand into hot wax and leaving a replica of it in a bowl of water complete with fingerprints. Sure, there is ultimately a valid explanation, but seeing that floating hand in the bowl is eerie as hell nonetheless. Now that I think of it, my guess is that many young viewers much like our trauma-confessor Gary, not so much forgot about this movie’s ultimate rationales but more likely turned the television set off and made a mad dash for bed before they could ever be revealed.

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How is it that as long as Kindertrauma has been in operation nobody has written a traumafession about DON COSCARELLI’s 1979 horror opus PHANTASM? That flick made my hair stand on end as a kid! When I first saw it on VHS I was probably about the same age as its lead character Michael (A. MICHAEL BALDWIN). My identification with him was further cemented by the fact that I had a similar bizarre hair cut and a comparable inclination toward striped tube socks. Watching the film recently I am still in awe of it. So many other films have borrowed freely from PHANTASM that I have to remind myself just how groundbreaking it was at the time. Infusing sci-fi elements, dark fantasy and surrealistic dream logic into horror was not exactly the order of the day back in 1979, but COSCARELLI did so with gusto and he created a universe all his own that never existed before.

How about that “Tall Man” (ANGUS SCRIMM)?, How scary was that guy? Evilly looming above folks while they are trying to snooze, masquerading as the lady in lavender, yelling his signature “Boy!” (I know I just described Aunt John, but the tall man is even scarier), the tall man is really a stand in for death itself as PHANTASM, which truly lives up to its name, comes off as a feverish hallucination of a kid who is battling to accept the recent deaths in his family. Where do our dead loved ones go anyway? As it turns out in PHANTASM, they are shrunken down, forced to wear Jawa costumes and kept as slaves…comforting, huh? And how about that silver Cuisinart flying ball? Will somebody please get on making a parody youtube clip of BILLY MAYS trying to sell such a thing to the masses? (I’d do it myself, but I’m super swamped at the moment). This is a one of the kind movie that is just about as creatively inventive as it could be and please don’t get me started on the soundtrack. The DVD is a must own for that reason alone.

I’m not sure how PHANTASM would hold up for first time viewers today. I’m sure the Muppet bug attack must look pretty lame by modern standards but I continue to be smitten. This is a movie that connects me to my youth almost instantly and I’ll always love it for that. It’s also a film that is noticeably guy-centric. Michael’s character is preoccupied with the thought of being abandoned by his older brother and the film’s idea of a peaceful existence is just hanging out drinking beer and playing guitar. Funeral home rifle attacks are planned before a roaring fire place and it’s all sort of IRON JOHN by way of LOVECRAFT. There is almost a tree fort atmosphere here and the guys, rather than posturing and being competitive, have each other’s backs. The female characters may be slight and on the sidelines (the mysteriousness of some rings true with an adolescent boy’s perception), but it is also kind of refreshing that PHANTASM, for the most part, does not rely on their peril for scares.

Michael with his constant spying on his older sibling Jody (BILL THORNBURRY) and his need to be included in the investigation of the Morningside Mortuary perfectly captures that bubble in time when you could not wait to grow up and be included among the big kids. I think older brother Jody still reeks of coolness today and just think, his best bud and musical collaborator Reggie (REGGIE BANNISTER ) even drove an ice cream truck! Where were these guys when I was growing up? It’s funny though; this movie that used to make me long for adulthood along with Michael now has the exact opposite effect on me. How cool would it be to ride a motorcycle through a graveyard right about now? Where are my binoculars? Point me toward a basement window to smash! Even if you don’t find PHANTASM particularly scary anymore there is no denying that it is a fun comic book ride all the way. As for myself, I still get a bit of a chill when the Tall Man appears. No matter how old I get, that guy will always dwarf the tube sock wearing likes of me.

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I had such a splendorific time re-watching DAVID CRONENBERG’s THE FLY that I thought it appropriate that I should give its 1989 sequel THE FLY 2 a spin. I remember seeing it when it initially came out and although I wasn’t a giant fan at the time, I recalled that the special effects were pretty darn cool. Since super crappy THE EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC was able to somehow win my heart when I gave it a second look-see, who was to say the same would not occur again? Well, THE FLY 2 was to say that it would not occur again because, to me, it really does kinda stink some.

The tag line reads “Like Father, Like Son” but that’s just all so much wishful thinking on the part of THE FLY 2. Unlike THE EXORCIST II which at least lubricates its lameness with intoxicating looneyness, this sequel is mostly pure drudgery through and through. It’s actually just depressing and not the good kind of depressing either. I mean there is the romantic, honey-flavored, sigh on your bed and listen to THE CURE type of depressing and then there is the mildew smelling stare at a blank wall and have your soul raped by THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT type found here. From its opening shot, which resembles bad television more than a feature film, to its mucky torturous porridge slurping final shot, this film just won’t let up with its blotchy blandness. Sadly the special effects that I remembered fondly didn’t even have the decency to hold up (some are still pretty cool though, see above).

The movie begins with a dark haired lady that is supposed to be GEENA DAVIS’s character Veronica giving birth and promptly dropping dead. This is all taken in by lone returner JOHN GETZ, the bad guy boss from the first movie, who, for his sake, I hope was wearing a fake beard. It turns out the Brundle baby Seth is not a giant maggot (which I think Veronica would have been pretty happy about if she wasn’t pushing up daisies with Newt from ALIEN 3 and Alice from FRIDAY THE 13THE PART II), but he does have some accelerated age thing going on, and is kinda turning into a giant fly regardless of not being born a maggot and, worse of all, has to live his short bleak life uncannily resembling Rocky Dennis.

Sadly all the action takes place in these colorless fake looking science labs where you don’t ever get a glimpse of the sun, but you do have to bump into DAPHNE ZUNIGA from time to time. There are plenty of mean scientists and security guards all over the place that act in such a way as to secure their own doom when Seth gets his insect on near the end of the picture and seeks revenge for his under a microscope upbringing and being secretly videotaped bumping uglies with ZUNIGA. There is nothing resembling a pace or even a pulse here, and you just sort of wait and wait for special effects artist turned director CHRIS WALAS to get to the underwhelming finale.

I can’t really blame the producers for trying to snare a younger audience back in 1989 as Freddy Krueger was currently raking in major coinage, but the degree of dumbing down that takes place in THE FLY 2 is kinda infuriating. Some effort was made to do something a bit different than you might expect, but it’s certainly not enough to make up for all the clunky foot dragging and the morose tone. I realize that the first FLY was not exactly the feel good movie of the century, but at least you were left with the feeling of joy that accompanies witnessing a job well done. I know that it would be madness to expect this sequel in particular to be on par with the original but, even giving it the most leeway I know how, it still leaves me with some sort of grubby feeling I can’t explain…

…or maybe I can. Look, I know this is a horror film and in horror films bad, bad stuff is bound to occur but what befalls little Seth’s only pal, a cute golden retriever, who ends up looking like one of my cat’s fur balls spliced with a Vienna sausage, as they say, shouldn’t happen to a dog. As much as I hate to admit it, I have to give the Devil his due here and admit that the whole howling mutant dog routine is pretty effective and certainly the stuff of Kindertraumas. To be honest, it may be the reason I find this movie so laborious to endure. Couldn’t they have used ZUNIGA as a test subject instead?

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Hello, I wish to tell you about 2009’s childhood horror: CORALINE. This movie is messed up! It looks cute, it’s in stopmotion for crying out loud! BUT…it’s one scary movie! It had scenes in it where two ladies are twisted together and where a man becomes a melty monster! And guess what? It’s in 3-D too! In one scene, it is shown that Ms. Forcible and Ms. Spink STUFF thier Scottie dogs when they die. and that’s not even the part where the other mother turns into a spider witch. Finally…the hand. it gets cut off and still follows Coraline around! PLEASE PUT THIS ON YOUR SITE!

– Squirt00

UNK SEZ: Thanks Squirt00 for giving us the heads up on the sure to be future traumatizer CORALINE! We’ve heard from several sources (including our pal Rat Saw God) that this flick is primo Kindertrauma material. I did get a chance to see it recently (in 3-D no less!) and although I’m a little late on commenting about it, I agree with you entirely. I’m sure CORALINE will give kids plenty of stuff to worry about before they go to bed for many years to come!

CORALINE was, of course, directed by HENRY SELICK who was also responsible for the creeped out classics THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS and JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH. It’s based on a book by NEIL GAIMAN that tells the tale of a young girl who finds a secret passageway to an alternative universe. At first things seem pretty perfect in the mirror world until she discovers the price of perfection involves sewing buttons on to her peepers! It’s all very spooky and weird in the best way possible and, as per usual with SENNICK’s work with stop motion animation, the artistry on display is without question. CORALINE’s evil alternative “Other Mom” (voiced by TERI HATCHER) is a truly kindertraumatizing sight to behold once she shows her true colors.

My personal favorite aspect of CORALINE though is the fact that super cool JOHN CARPENTER alum KEITH DAVID (Childs from THE THING, Frank from THEY LIVE) lends his voice to an all knowing slinky black cat. If that fact doesn’t get folks renting this baby as soon as it hits DVD than I don’t know what will!

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I’ve been seeing so many good movies lately that I’ve been scraping dangerously close to having a positive outlook on life. Knowing in my heart of hearts that my contentment is the first sign of the apocalypse, I decided to do us all a favor and sabotage myself before it starts raining frogs. What better film to throw my winning streak off the rails than the most hated sequel ever to come down the pike? I’m talking of course about JOHN BOORMAN’s loopy audience displeaser EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC. If this renowned stinker couldn’t shoot down my happy balloon what could?

The first and only time I had ever seen this movie I was a preteen KIM WILDE enthusiast at my cousin’s house and it was on their fancy pay cable channel. I was very into seeing it and very into it scaring the crap out of me. What I was not into was what actually ended up happing because I’m pretty sure I ended up with my face in a shag carpet fast asleep with a melted grape popsicle in my hand. How could a possession movie not scare a kid who was terrified of the red devil figure on the Underwood Deviled Ham can? (The answer to that question turns out to be very simple, just add tap dancing sequences, a hypnotic strobe light and a plethora of locusts).

Whatever the problem is with EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC it’s certainly not the cinematography, more often than not, this is a gorgeous looking film. Maybe not in a way that is particularly appropriate for an EXORCIST sequel, but arresting nonetheless. Visual effects artist ALBERT WHITLOCK shows his deft abilities on several occasions (a simple shot of an airplane in flight is stunning) so no complaints there. The soundtrack too, care of master ENNIO MORRICONE is well above par. So as the kids say, “Where’s the beef?” Well, it just so happens that everything else going on in this movie is absolutely flip your LIDSVILLE crazy. Some of its ideas are interesting (the concept of the more “good” you are, the more “evil” you attract at least explains why my lunch money was stolen throughout grade school), yet unless the goal was to drive the audience insane or into fits of laughter, it’s still a mystery how this apple fell so damn far from the tree.

Putting aside that the entire approach to the story is a bit of a snub to the original film’s fans and the fact that much of the dialogue, though thoughtful towards the metaphysical, doesn’t quite resemble human speech, let us now talk about the acting. What a cast huh? RICHARD BURTON, LOUISE FLETCHER, MAX VON SYDOW, JAMES EARL JONES and returning champ LINDA BLAIR, could you ask for anything more (I mean, besides ELLEN BURSTYN)?

Here is where the movie becomes either the worst atrocity you have ever seen or the most riveting display ever committed to film and it all depends on how drunk you are. I for one am convinced that bombastic BURTON at one point looked directly at the camera to tell the audience that what they were experiencing was “fascinating,” did I imagine that? Was that some kind of desperate plea to keep people in their seats? On the other end of the acting spectrum is LOUISE FLETCHER who can usually turn me to stone with a single cobra gaze but is inexplicably wishy-washy throughout this movie even while getting totally felt up by a demon. Then there is JAMES EARL JONES, well… give him a break he had to wear a locust hat. As far as our Miss BLAIR, well she fluctuates between a grinning Moonie any reasonable person would avoid at an airport and a frat house roofie victim. Only SYDOW escapes with dignity in tact and he’s playing the dead guy.

So needless to say as wretched as this movie is known to be, it in fact did not ruin my night! It was still a little boring in places, but as an adult I couldn’t wait to see what kind of craziness was around the corner. For better or for worse, BOORMAN certainly did his own thing. It was probably more of his ZARDOZ thing than his DELIVERANCE thing but at least you get the idea that somebody was behind the wheel (even as they are crashing into your flower bed). Is it a worthy successor to the EXORCIST? Oh, not by the longest stretch you could possibly imagine, but it is an oddity unto itself and as bizarre as they come. I don’t think it’s fair to call it the worst movie ever made, but I think it’s probably still O.K. to refer to it as the most disappointing sequel of all time (sorry GEORGE LUCAS). Maybe BURTON’s assessment was accurate after all, “fascinating” just about covers it. I would have preferred “scary” or “comprehensible” but I can’t be too harsh on any movie that sports a young, slightly buck toothed DANA PLATO.

NOTE: Can anything prepare a person for one of the most insane movies ever made? How about the most completely off the wall trailer ever made? Careful, it’s addictive!

And perhaps even more addictive is this little number…

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I give up. I throw up my hands and I give up. It’s like I just discovered that I’m a Cylon except like a really, really wimpy one. After being beaten to a pulp by EDEN LAKE, then being misled and thrown for a loop by BABYSITTER WANTED, I was ready to just watch a normal movie with no surprises or hidden agendas. I was off to a good start because BURNT OFFERINGS was on cable this past weekend and I dutifully watched it twice. No surprises there; the chimney falls on the kid’s head every time! So far so good, but this morning when I was flipping channels I got zoomed yet again when I decided watching THE BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA would be a good idea.

Hey, it’s just a couple kids building a tree house and making up an elaborate fantasy world in the forest, what could go wrong?

Cut to an hour and a half later when your Unkle Lancifer is a sniveling pile of goo. I can’t take it anymore! If there had been a MANDY MOORE song over the closing credits, I would have blown my brains out like a cartoon cat with only, “Goodbye cruel world!” as my last words. So if you’re keeping score at home: EDEN LAKE kicked my ass; BABYSITTER WANTED slapped me around a bit; and then when I thought I was ready to brush myself off and move on, little, tiny innocent baby BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA snuck in, stomped on my foot like SHIRLEY TEMPLE and then taunted me to tears.

If you’ve only seen commercials and trailers for BRIDGE then you may think, as I did, that it is a fantasy adventure movie like, say, THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE. You may even think it’s a corny feel-good movie about the power of imagination… it’s a trick! A Trojan horse! Yes, ZOOEY DESCHANEL plays a music teacher who sings “Why can’t we be friends?”, but it’s just to soften you up for the sucker punch! Watching BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA is actuality more like witnessing BAMBI’s mother getting shot in the face by SOUNDER over and over again while GENA ROWLANDS and JAMES GARNER cheer from the sidelines.

Here is an admission you’ll not likely to read on BLOODY DISGUSTING or AIN’T IT COOL NEWS, later today I’m going to go out and buy a Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit complete with Dutch boy wig. After I put both on I’m going to purchase the largest all day lollipop I can find and I’m going to skip all the way home with it. If any bullies pick on me, I’m going to give them a big wet raspberry and then jump on a pink pogo stick and bounce away, probably to the nearest mental hospital where I can get a long rest in a rubber room preferably within a STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE sleeping bag. If you’ve seen this movie, you know what I’m talking about, and if you have not, well you have been warned. Who says trauma is just for kids?!?

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Gosh darn, this hurts. I can’t tell you about the most intriguing aspect of BABYSITTER WANTED without ruining its most pleasant surprise. What’s even more painful is that I have to resist using what would be the film’s stronger images to illustrate this post for the same reason. Legitimate, well-thrown curve balls are so rare in horror movies these days that I couldn’t live with myself if I diminished even a fraction of this movie’s novel bite. Nope. I Just won’t do it. Who says I don’t have any scruples? (Put down your hand Aunt John, I thought those left over enchiladas in the fridge where fair game. Time to move on).

I know what you are thinking, “A babysitter in peril movie?… been there, done that,” and you’re absolutely right. In fact, the beginning of BABYSITTER WANTED does just about everything in its power to prove that it has no intention at all of covering new ground. Every cliché is in place: missing college girls, ominous phone calls from a shadowy stranger, even the standard small town feckless police officer makes an appearance in the form of BILL MOSLEY. Half way in, BABYSITTER may not be impressing you with its originality, but you have to admit it certainly does a fine job of imitating its slasher forefathers right down to its butter wouldn’t melt protagonist and its obviously humble budget. Midway in I was far from wowed, but seriously enjoying the cozy vapors of nostalgia.

Once the comfortable, hoary stage is set though, a genuine wild card is hurled. I’m not sure if it’s 100 percent convincing, but the effect is profoundly invigorating nonetheless. Suddenly the stakes are much higher than imagined and the opportunity for a fuzzy outcome deflates triple fold. It’s sort of like thinking you are stepping into a puddle and ending up waist deep in mud. Directors JONAS BARNES and MICHAEL MANASSERI deserve props for patiently allowing things to gel before dropping their hammer. Kudos is also deserved for standing back and allowing some black humor to seep through the cracks once the game board is flipped. This may not be the scariest movie ever made and it does require a bit of the old suspension of disbelief (if you don’t know how to do that… learn), but once things start ticking, it delivers quality suspense at regular intervals and ends up being a lot of fun.

Heading the cast as eighteen-year-old babysitter Angie is the closer to thirty television vet SARAH THOMPSON (7TH HEAVEN, ANGEL) who makes the journey from accommodating good girl to sneering survivalist without missing a beat. An equally impressive performance is given by BRUCE THOMAS, whose acting career began playing “Mini Ash #3” in ARMY OF DARKNESS and who has the chin to prove it. This misleadingly simple, covertly aggressive production is exactly what independent horror should be about. It also makes the case that the slasher genre itself has not even begun to fulfill its full potential. All the genre really needs is filmmakers like these who are not afraid to REALLY shuffle the deck before dealing the cards.

NOTE: Hey, that’s the new Mrs. Voorhees NANA VISITOR playing Angie’s ma!

ALSO: Check out BABYSITTER WANTED’s official site HERE.

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With a remake of FRIDAY THE 13TH just around the corner, I think it’s time we take a look at the role kids have played in the Crystal Lake saga. Their significance has not been entirely consistent throughout the series, but their presence on several occasions created formidable and lasting waves…

FRIDAY THE 13TH
Aw look it’s little Jason whose imagined drowning death sparked more than a decade’s long bloodbath! Flashback scenes reveal two omnipresent qualities in the young man, first of all he had a face only a mother could love and secondly he’s no MARK SPITZ! Less you think he was just a tragic victim, he pops up at film’s end to involve himself in one of the greatest most startling shocker finales in the history of horror!

FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 2
Remember this kid? PART 2 begins with him jumping around in puddles and just barely missing being jumped on himself by a now grown, adult Jason Voorhees. No kid likes to have to come in when called by mom but this guy should be very thankful he did. If Jason has taught us one thing it is to always heed your mother!

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART4: THE FINAL CHAPTER
Tommy Jarvis (COREY FELDMAN) stands supreme as the ultimate FRIDAY child; not only did he accomplish what so many had tried and failed to do by ending Jason’s mortal life, but he also had quite a talent for suspiciously SAVINI-esque make-up effects. Voyeuristic tendencies aside, this Crystal Lake critter is a true hero!

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING
When DIFF’RENT STROKES’ “Dudley” shows up, trouble is not far behind. Having narrowly avoided the cruel fate of being a bicycle shop owner’s bride, poor Dudley (SHAVAR ROSS here as “Reggie”) now has to face off against Señor Voorhees. Why so serious Dudster? That’s not Jason, it’s just a bonkers ambulance driver avenging the death of his son who was a recent casualty of a violent candy bar dispute!

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 6: JASON LIVES
You don’t have to be Benjamin Franklin to know that lightening has the power to reanimate the dead. In this installment Jason comes back to life only to find that, for the first time ever, Camp Crystal Lake is crawling with kiddie campers! This little girl is named Nancy and she is plagued by bad dreams in what must be a baiting nod to competing franchise A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET!

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 7: THE NEW BLOOD
Little Tina here is a pint sized Carrie White sans the oppressive Catholic upbringing. With her awesome psychic powers she smashes her beloved daddy beneath a dock but don’t worry, he’ll show up again years later and not looking any worse for the wear!

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 8: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN
We’ve gone full circle and the little Jason that drowned in the lake is kicking his way back into our universe via blurry flashbacks again! This time he’s looking less mongo-licious than we remember, but then that’s nothing compared to how stupid adult Jason looks later when he takes off his mask. This unloved addition to our story is not without its bright spots, but ultimately I must quote the GREEN ACRES theme song “Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside!”

So you see, kids really did play a large part in the FRIDAY franchise even if they sat out the 3-D one and declined traveling with Jason into hell and outer space. In fact, a conversation between two children supplies my favorite line in the entire series. In PART 6 JASON LIVES, two little boys are shown hiding under a bed and awaiting what appears to be their inevitable doom at the hands of Jason. One boy turns to the other and deadpans “So, what WERE you going to be when you grew up?”

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One of the very first horror movies that I ever caught on VHS was 1980’s THE BOOGEY MAN directed by ULLI LOMMEL. It’s box art and title had me assuming I would be viewing something along the same lines as HALLOWEEN. Boy, was I in for a surprise. Sure the opening scenes visually crib from JOHN CARPENTER’s classic and the title is an obvious cash-in, but that’s where the similarities end. If you’re looking for subtle nuance or even a vague feigning of good taste just let THE BOOGEY MAN, as Dionne Warwick sang, “Walk on by.” This movie though, as rough around the edges, derivative and generic as it sometimes is, just can’t help being strangely disturbing in it’s own way. The opening kill alone should be in the kindertrauma hall of fame.

Let’s face it, HALLOWEEN’s Judith Myers had a pretty good life up until her brother snuffed it out. Not so with THE BOOGEY MAN’s young brother and sister team Lacey and Willy (NATASHA SCHIANO and JAY WRIGHT) who, when we open the picture, live in the kind of f-ed up environment that wouldn’t befall Judith Myers until ROB ZOMBIE got a hold of her years later. When we first meet these wide-eyed siblings they are spying on their drunken wreck of a mother as she seduces a butch bruiser in the family living room. We never see the guy’s face clearly because soon mom’s kinky pantyhose fetish comes to light and he is wearing said hose on his face.

Help me out here ladies, pantyhose on a man’s face: sexy or time to run for your life? (If you have to think about it you’ve come to the right site). Anyway, this guy scared the living crap out of me back in the day. I mean, props to mom for getting her groove on but this ain’t the type you want hanging around your kids! That obvious fact is made even clearer when the kids are caught spying and, under the approving eye of drunk mommy, the little boy is tied up and gagged to a bed and then slapped for good measure. Luckily sis in her candy cane stripped pajamas knows exactly where the family keeps the butcher knife so she cuts loose her bro. Once free lil’ Willy, as boys will often do, decides it’s high time to stab pantyhose face in the spine as he bumps ugglies with trashy ma in that oddest of make-out joints the bedroom.

What else do you need to know about this movie? 20 years later the kids are grown (and f-d) up and played by real life brother sister team SUZANNA and NICHOLAS LOVE (Suzanne was LUMMEL’s BARBEAU at the time.) They are desperately trying to get over their serious DR. PHIL baggage but Willy is so damn shell shocked he’s gone mute. Sis Lacey makes the brilliant decision to revisit her past in order to heal (don’t try this at home folks!) but ends up freeing the dead dude from a mirror he’s been hanging out in so that he can brutally demolish everybody she comes into contact with.

THE BOOGEY MAN is a cheap, synth scored, runaway train but there are so many ideas (both original AND stolen) bouncing around that you kind of just have to sit back in awe. There are plenty of amazing deaths (the kissing double murder by a knife through two open mouths is inspired) but if gore ain’t your bag you’ll be happy to know that people are routinely speaking in demonic voices, shooting light beams out of their eyeballs and hovering above the ground too. I’m telling you, this supernatural slash-a-thon knows know bounds! In fact, the creepy windows from THE AMITYVILLE HORROR even stop by for a spell (pretty amazing when you consider those windows totally snubbed THE AMITYVILLE CURSE!) THE BOOGEY MAN is strewn with some choppy editing and technical problems galore but its willingness to be as deranged as it wants to be (scary pantyhose face included) leaves a lasting impression.

P.S. O.K I admit it, I did rewind over and over again the part where the brat gets a window (the non-AMITYVILLE type) smashed down on his head. Does that make me a bad person? Aw, who asked ya!

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Look at that damned calendar! The year is over!! What the heck?! Remember good ol’ last year when we were able to do an overview of all the creepy kids that appeared in horror films over the year? Sure you do, it’s HERE. Well, what in the name of Rhoda Penmark are we supposed to do this year? Sure, kids appeared on the sidelines in movies like MIRRORS, but their presence seemed only required so that they could mutter faux-creepy slogans for use as gotcha moments in the movie’s trailers. THE ORPHANAGE ruled for sure, but one movie does not an end of year overview make and technically it was made in 2007.

If you’re anything like the frightening voices that torment me nonstop in my head, you’re probably screaming in a twisted hag voice “Unkle Lancifer, you need to get out more!” Yes, countless hours were wasted this year playing Lego Playstation games, I’ll grant you that, but remember I live in Bumblef*ck where the only films on the theater marquee are ROCHELLE, ROCHELLE and THE FLOWER THAT DRANK THE MOON. Adding insult to unjustifiable rationalization, TRICK R’ TREAT is still sadly M.I.A. and the U.K. flick THE CHILDREN is yet (to my knowledge) to jump across the pond.

What was I to do? How was I to make any kind of statement about kids in horror in 2008? I think there was a kid in that French movie FRONTIERS, I assume there was a zombie tyke in QUARANTINE, and didn’t some kids try to warn people to stay clear of THE RUINS? A spiraling spurious non-list began to form in my mind’s eye. Who was I kidding? Then, there I was at my wits end and fantasizing about fashioning a noose from NERDS ROPE when I received a message from a carrier vulture named Saint Antonio Sanchez informing me that maybe perhaps I should check out LET THE RIGHT ONE IN…

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN makes up for everything, and it saved my year. I’m not just saying this because I was on the precipice of the abyss when we met; I mean it. Even outside the realm of horror it may be the best movie of the year, it certainly and without question is the Kindertraumiest. Aunt John has no say in this matter whatsoever; I’m prepared to skip camp if rebuffed. I, with the power of Grayskull and inspired by this unique film, have decreed that a new award must be forged for future years and that award is the KINDERTRAUMA MOVIE OF THE YEAR! That’s right, it’s official, LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is KINDERTRAUMA MOVIE OF THE YEAR! We must all listen to MORRISSEY (to whom it owes its title) today in celebration.

What is so special about this movie and what can I tell you about it without ruining it? First of all, I’d just like to say this movie does not spaz out and get all up in your face. That is very important to me. It’s calm and peaceful yet stand warned, it’s not afraid to smack you around a little when you start feeling too secure and cozy. It’s about actual human connection, how we change the people who come into our lives and how they change us. More importantly, it shows how outsiders can identify themselves in each other and gather strength from their alliance. (Call me nuts but REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE and THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE sprung to my mind not to mention E.T. with a taste for blood). To top it all off there is mucho snow (my cinematic Achilles heal) and the whole thing is filmed as simply and as exquisitely as humanly possible.

It is a “horror” movie for sure, but I have to point out that it reflects the actual universe that we live in far more accurately than most non-horror films (Certainly more than all the superhero, wedding disaster and dopey buddy flicks released this year combined). This is the real deal folks. The main characters may be twelve (even twelve for a looooong time) but their ability to bond without judgment and care for each other is something you rarely get to see in films that feature characters of any age.

Less you think I’m reviewing SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING COFFIN, I should inform you that many people die undeserving deaths within this film and at the hands of these spiritual and soulful characters. Well, what can I tell you? You got to break eggs before you devil them and I’m so enamored with these kooky kids that if that’s what keeps ‘em writing love notes and teaching each other the Rubik’s Cube, so be it. (By the way, apparently there is no moral question in my mind concerning the film’s final poolside massacre as I laughed whole heartily and gleefully all through it, I may have even clapped).

I really don’t want to say much more as I don’t want to spoil anything, but GO see this movie! If it’s not playing around you yet go buy the book it’s based on by JOHN AJIDE LINDQVIST instead (I’m devouring it now). This is the type of horror tale that comes around far too rarely and, like a long lost soul mate, it lifts the genre up to a whole new level.

P.S. Many films have attempted the proverbial “attacked by cats” scene with questionable to borderline comical results. This is due to the rookie mistake of actually throwing live cats onto people in order to simulate the melee. Not so in LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, I’m so happy now that somebody has finally done it right!

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