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Horrifying Oscar Predictions!

March 2nd, 2010 by unkle lancifer · 7 Comments

Horror knows best and scary always wins. It is one’s commitment to the horror genre, not sparkle motion, which ensures success. Using voodoo, tea leaves, a soggy box filled with ancient VHS tapes and a dusty magic eight ball, we have predicted the winners of this years Oscars race with bloody, pin point accuracy. Ask yourselves, have we ever been wrong before? (I mean, besides that time way back in early February when we predicted DANIELLE HARRIS was going to be nominated?)

BEST PICTURE: HURT LOCKER

Because it stars that guy who starred in DAHMER (JEREMY RENNER)

BEST DIRECTOR: KATHRYN BIGELOW

On account of she directed NEAR DARK

BEST ACTOR: JEFF BRIDGES (CRAZY HEART)

This one is easy, JEFF BRIDGES was in STARMAN and although not a horror a film, it was directed by JOHN CARPENTER.

BEST ACTRESS: SANDRA BULLOCK (THE BLIND SIDE)

No she hasn’t really been in a horror film but she was in the thriller MURDER BY NUMBERS. I know what you’re thinking “but MERYL STREEP was in the better thriller STILL OF THE NIGHT!” True, true but SANDY B. was in 28 DAYS (the prequel to 28 DAYS LATER) and her co-star in that movie was VIGGO MORTENSEN who not only starred in PRISON, but LEATHERFACE too! So obviously this is going to be BULLOCK’s night!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: WOODY HARRELSON (THE MESSENGER)

One word ZOMBIELAND

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: MO’NIQUE

Yes, I know VERA FARMIGA was Esther’s mom in ORPHAN, but just check out MO’NIQUE in PRECIOUS BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY OH MY GOD IS THIS STILL THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE? She’s a true TRAUMA-MOMMA who can work a staircase better than Michael Myers! Besides, I know better than to say no to MO.

Not that you care but BEST COSTUME DESIGN is going to THE YOUNG VICTORIA and not because anyone worked hard or is a talented designer but because it stars THE WOLFMAN’s girlfriend EMILYWIND CHILLBLUNT!

Bet your life savings on all of the above my friend. This is exactly how it’s going down, that is unless AVATAR sweeps on account of JAMES CAMERON directed ALIENS….

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7 responses so far ↓

  • 1 KahotepNo Gravatar // Mar 2, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    I dunno, some of the others could collectively push the favourites out of the running: with Best Director, for instance, Tarantino (with From Dusk to Dawn) and Jason Reitman (because of Daddy’s Ghostbuster roots) could draw the prize from Bigelow. In the Actor stakes, Clooney (for the aforementioned FDTD pedigree) and Morgan Freeman (for Se7en) could hurt Bridges’ chances…

  • 2 SpooksNo Gravatar // Mar 2, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    ha, this list is great! Props for the ‘sparkle motion’ reference too!

  • 3 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Mar 2, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Clooney’s presence in RETURN TO HORROR HIGH, may mean an upset…

  • 4 ChrisNo Gravatar // Mar 2, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Cameron because of Aliens? Bah! It’s all about Pirahna 2: The Spawning with that man!

  • 5 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Mar 2, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    Chris, 

    You’re right! P2:TS doubles his chances for a sweep!

  • 6 ChrisNo Gravatar // Mar 2, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    HA! Great scene there, Unk! It’s just so darn random.

    I saw the movie for the first time last night, and all I could think of while watching was “This guy has 2 of the top grossing movies ever?!? Really?” Then I stopped  thinking about it for fear my head would explode, and just enjoyed the attack sequences courtesy of winged fish on strings.

  • 7 PinchyNo Gravatar // Mar 8, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    Remarkably accurate predictions, except for supporting actor (which Christoph Waltz totally deserved).  Congratulations to Kathryn Bigelow for being the first female “best director” winner!  I don’t know if anyone watched, but of those who did, what did you think of the half-assed salute to the horror genre?

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