Horror knows best and scary always wins. It is one’s commitment to the horror genre, not sparkle motion, which ensures success. Using voodoo, tea leaves, a soggy box filled with ancient VHS tapes and a dusty magic eight ball, we have predicted the winners of this years Oscars race with bloody, pin point accuracy. Ask yourselves, have we ever been wrong before? (I mean, besides that time way back in early February when we predicted DANIELLE HARRIS was going to be nominated?)
BEST PICTURE: HURT LOCKER
Because it stars that guy who starred in DAHMER (JEREMY RENNER)
BEST DIRECTOR: KATHRYN BIGELOW
On account of she directed NEAR DARK
BEST ACTOR: JEFF BRIDGES (CRAZY HEART)
This one is easy, JEFF BRIDGES was in STARMAN and although not a horror a film, it was directed by JOHN CARPENTER.
BEST ACTRESS: SANDRA BULLOCK (THE BLIND SIDE)
No she hasn’t really been in a horror film but she was in the thriller MURDER BY NUMBERS. I know what you’re thinking “but MERYL STREEP was in the better thriller STILL OF THE NIGHT!” True, true but SANDY B. was in 28 DAYS (the prequel to 28 DAYS LATER) and her co-star in that movie was VIGGO MORTENSEN who not only starred in PRISON, but LEATHERFACE too! So obviously this is going to be BULLOCK’s night!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: WOODY HARRELSON (THE MESSENGER)
One word ZOMBIELAND
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: MO’NIQUE
Yes, I know VERA FARMIGA was Esther’s mom in ORPHAN, but just check out MO’NIQUE in PRECIOUS BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY OH MY GOD IS THIS STILL THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE? She’s a true TRAUMA-MOMMA who can work a staircase better than Michael Myers! Besides, I know better than to say no to MO.
Not that you care but BEST COSTUME DESIGN is going to THE YOUNG VICTORIA and not because anyone worked hard or is a talented designer but because it stars THE WOLFMAN’s girlfriend EMILY “WIND CHILL” BLUNT!
Bet your life savings on all of the above my friend. This is exactly how it’s going down, that is unless AVATAR sweeps on account of JAMES CAMERON directed ALIENS….