It came to my attention recently that Christine Hadden of FASCINATION WITH FEAR was planning to retire someday in the picturesque, cliff-top abode depicted in the film THE DARK (2005). The problem was that Christine had picked the exact same place that I had been planning to eventually move into!
Luckily an east coast vs. east coast blogging war was averted when the two of us came up with a time-sharing compromise. I couldn’t help wondering though, what if we hadn’t come up with a solution to our dilemma, where would I live then? Below are my top ten slabs of horror real estate that I would gladly move into should the need arise. After you’ve given them a quick walk-through make sure you check out Christine’s top ten choices HERE!
10.MODERN PROBLEMS (1980, The PSYCHO house)
Sure I love the PSYCHO house just like everybody else but there’s no way I’m dealing with a motel filled with unseemly transients! In the alleged comedy MODERN PROBLEMS, CHEVY CHASE spends a weekend (along with DABNEY COLEMAN and MARY KAY PLACE) in what is in indeed, the one and only PSYCHO house; however, it’s miraculously on a beach and there’s no seedy motel to deal with. I could live in this joint for sure, especially if it comes with housekeeper NELL CARTER!
9.SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1974)
Hey, look at this pad; it’s got a front porch for me to drink 40s on! I can almost see myself standing there as an old man in shorts and argyle socks telling the neighborhood kids to scram! Sources (IMDb) tell me that this fixer upper is located in Oyster Bay, Long Island. I’m going to start working on my accent now.
8.THE BOOGEY MAN (1980)
I love the BOOGEY MAN house and it comes with a well and a barn, so you can’t beat that. This place resides in Chesapeake Bay, Maryland and just check out those windows up top there! Don’t they remind you of another famous horror home? I’m ready to move in, right after I check my sneakers for mirror shards.
7.THE HUNGER (1983)
I know I should be trying to get out of the city but I can’t sneeze at Miriam the Vampire’s luxury New York digs in THE HUNGER. Urban life isn’t so bad when you’ve got mad cash and a video camera security system at your front door! I know it doesn’t look like much from the outside but vampires (perhaps because they spend so much time indoors) sure know a thing or two about interior decorating.
6.THE LADY IN WHITE (1988)
This place is a bit small for my needs but it’s not without its charms. It’s got a rustic storybook quality to it that I enjoy plus there’s a nearby cliff that you can throw people off of!
5.THE UNINVITED (1944)
Speaking of cliffs, I know I should appreciate THE UNINVITED more than I do, it’s got RAY MILLAND in it after all, but it’s always been a smidge of a snore for me. Having made that embarrassing admission, I must say that I big time dig the house from the movie. Hmmm, maybe the place from the GHOST AND MRS. MUIR is more my speed.
4.LET’S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH (1971)
This beautiful house is located in Essex, Connecticut; I used to live in Connecticut so adjustment should be a breeze. You must know by now that I am secretly a hippie and that I can entertain myself for hours strumming on a guitar and making grave stone rubbings. The locals are sure to be a problem but they’ll get used to my playing THE BEST OF BREAD into the wee hours eventually.
3.THE FOG (1980)
Stevie Wayne sure knew how to live. I’m not sure that I like the idea of my front door being easily accessible to sea-ghouls but I’m not the kind of dummy who answers the door when somebody bangs on it with a hook either. Put it this way, if it comes with the K-A-B lighthouse I’m sold. Bodega (aka Antonio) Bay, California here I come!
2.THE ADDAMS FAMILY (1991)
This house is just is the ravens’ knees and that’s that. Plus, out of all my picks I believe this is the only one that comes with its own graveyard, which should come in handy. Who needs to yell at kids to get off your lawn when pouring a cauldron of boiling oil on their heads can get the same message across?
1.THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979)
It’s just a lifetime dream of mine to live in the Amityville Horror house. Isn’t it just the perfect place to set up Kindertrauma operations? This one was actually recently up for sale but I didn’t have to count my Folgers can full of loose change to know that it was a tad out side my budget. (That reminds me, Aunt John you better remember to play my numbers today!) My first plan upon moving into this place was to restore its creepy devil eye windows. Then, I would have put two creepy Jody the pig blinking eye lights up in there to scare away the tourists. I wouldn’t have been afraid to live in this, the most famous haunted house in the land. I’m used to black sludge pouring from my walls and I know how to hang a fly strip. (By the way, the above image is from the superior AMITYVILLE 2: THE POSSESSION from the best year God ever made… 1982!)
Yowza, that was a startlingly easy list to come up with. There’s so much great horror real estate out there! The hard part is going to be picking just one! At least there will be no debate about which realtor to use!
Thanks for going on this tour with me kids, make sure you check out Christine’s picks over at FASCINATION WITH FEAR right over HERE, she remembered all the great spots (Garth Manor, anyone?) that your Unk forgot!