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Kiss Daddy Goodbye

November 4th, 2008 by unkle lancifer · 5 Comments

This telekinetic killer munchkin flick is not like anything you’ve ever witnessed. You know your old Unk not only has a high tolerance for lameness, but also a masochistic sweet tooth for it, right? Well, I may have finally met my match. Here is a movie that had me waxing nostalgic for the brilliant acting in CATHY’S CURSE and the technical achievement of THE CHILDREN. Watching KISS DADDY GOODBYE is sort of like watching your clothes twirl around in a drying machine while overdosing on Quaaludes. It’s not so much a movie as a celluloid incantation infused with the power to make time stop.

After watching their father get lazily murdered by vaguely interested motorcyclists, lethargic psychic-wonder twins Beth and Michael reanimate their pop’s corpse. Revenge for his ghastly murder is put on hold, as zombie Dad’s primary function seems to be as an unpaid servant/chauffeur. (If your idea of horror is watching blank faced children eating yogurt and building sand castles look no further). Social worker MARILYN BURNS (THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE) and police officer FABIAN FORTE are at risk of discovering the truth about the tykes if they ever leave the one-desk police station set they seem perpetually trapped in.

As dopey as the general plot is, it’s the film’s delivery that will hold you spellbound. Everyone seems hypnotized and perhaps discretely zapped with unseen cow prods when required to speak. The only word I can think of to describe the two children’s performances is “narcoleptic.” To tell you the truth, I’m not the type to require that a film have even passable acting in it. I’ve done without many times before and I’m fine, who am I LEE STRASBERG? Yet, I would prefer that actors are at least of the caliber to deliver a line without trailing off, getting glassy eyed or becoming visibly bored.

At some point the director must have gotten as exasperated as myself and decided to coin the term “think-speak.” This is when the kids stop talking all together and begin to communicate by awkward silences and barely focused half stares. It doesn’t really solve the problem but it does, at least, present a much-needed break from it. MARILYN and FABIAN do not fare much better, which is a shame because those two are sort of my dream cast. I have a feeling that just being in the general vicinity of the children made them drowsy. The two are sort of forced to walk in circles throughout and spend a great deal of time waiting for MARILYN‘s car to get fixed.

Frequently shown on ELVIRA’S MOVIE MACABRE, this is one movie that benefited richly from colorful inserts filled with bad puns and big boobs. Even without ELVIRA‘s help, though, there is something so backwards and misguided here that you’re sure not to ever forget the experience. Mind numbing drudgery aside, there is probably no way a person could get through a viewing without laughing out loud at least once. Maybe laughter was not the response the filmmakers intended but it sure beats a yawn.

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Tags: Kids Who Kill

5 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Amanda By NightNo Gravatar // Nov 4, 2008 at 5:37 pm

    There is a guy in this movie who buys Vodka and soda in a can! And drinks it!

    Yeah, it’s a bad movie but good lord, that Fabien. Me-ow!

  • 2 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Nov 4, 2008 at 6:09 pm

    Correct on both counts Amanda,
    I forgot all about those little “club” cocktails in cans until I watched this. What a terrible nutzo invention! (Fabian drinks Tab instead which proves he’s the good guy.)
    I learned that Fabian is from Philadelphia and was discovered on his doorstep.You’d think Philly would brag a little more about this fact.
    I should also add that my buddy Ralphy got to talk to Marilyn Burns at a recent horror convention and is madly in love with her.
    I enjoy both Marilyn and Fabian in this movie even though they are forced to act in an insane manner, I’m sure it was not their fault.

  • 3 RachelNo Gravatar // Nov 6, 2008 at 6:08 am

    Nope. Not a very good movie at all.
    I have to disagree with you on the yawn thing. After laughing once or twice in this movie the only thing left to do is enter a deep state of meditation… or yawn.

  • 4 DavidFullamNo Gravatar // Nov 7, 2008 at 1:30 pm

    Wasn’t “Caution-Children at Play” the original title? I remember reading about it in an early Fangoria, then never hearing about it ever again.

  • 5 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Nov 7, 2008 at 2:36 pm

    That’s right! It also goes under the aliases “Revenge of the zombie” and “Vengeful Dead”!

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