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Kinder-Factory :: Aunt John’s Holiday Horror Sweater Hoedown

December 2nd, 2008 by aunt john · 9 Comments

AUNTIE: As most of you probably don’t know, when I am not copy editing TRAUMAFESSIONS and tweaking the behind-the-scenes HTML at Kindertrauma, I am the imaginary C.E.O. and lead fashion designer for Kinder-Factory. I founded Kinder-Factory to fill the void encountered by horror fans like myself who love a good beheading just as much as the Bedazzler. Won’t you please join me in my passion for rhinestone-enhanced knitwear with a peek at my signature line of beautifully embellished holiday sweaters?

The Captain Ho-Ho-Ho Howdy
If you have piano gathering hosted by a headstrong actress with a troubled teen daughter on your holiday party itinerary, then this is the sweater for you! Treated with ScotchgardTM, this snuggly pullover repels both eggnog and projectile vomit stains.

Amityville Axe-Mas Dreams
There’s no mocking the photorealism of this mock turtleneck. The rhinestone-encrusted flies flanking the arms bring a real sense of whimsy to the infamous shotgun murder scene. The neon thread in the lawn is actually made from industrial strength elastic, so you won’t need feel like Jody the Pig when you help yourself to seconds, thirds, and fourths at the office holiday party.

Christmas at Crystal Lake
Whether you’re celebrating the birth of baby Jesus, or avenging the drowning death of your son by methodically murdering teens about to engage in pre-marital sex, this virgin wool number will keep you nice and toasty.

Trilogy of Terrifying Sweater Vests
Due to a miscommunication with my sweatshop foreman, this one was produced in three different styles. I recommended layering all three for the ultimate KAREN BLACK-Christmas look!

The Jamie Lee Cardigan
The holidays are the perfect time for wearing your family dysfunction not only on your sleeve, but also all over your torso. Crushed satin corduroy frames this familial tale of unrequited sibling love.

All Dogs Go to Hell
Animal lovers will love it when you show up Christmas caroling with CUJO embroidered on your chest.  Should they release the hounds on you, the patented chainmail yarn used in the arms will protect you from nastiest of nippers!

The Seasonally Slim Goodbody
Just because you’ve packed on twenty-five pounds since Black Friday from holiday-induced anger eating, your friends and family will be none the wiser. They will be too fixated on the intricately crafted internal organs to notice you chugging directly from the gravy boat. (Nude leggings sold separately).

Sister Sister!
Show that whiny bitch sister of yours that under no certain terms are you not above taking out your hoop earrings and showing her the back your hand if she gets a little mouthy while passing the mash potatoes.

The Overlook Outer Coat
Although most of my sweaters start in the Triple XXX sizes, I realized I could make a mint by catering to the sweater needs of psychically gifted children of deranged innkeepers. This little number is perfect for the little one on your list who is destined to spend Christmas day running in terror from a possessed parent through a snow-covered hedge maze.

The Carrie White Christmas Sweater Dress
Why dream of a white Christmas when you can have a Carrie White Christmas? Belted at the waist, this flame and pigs’ blood retardant tunic will make you the toast of the girls’ locker room. Even the most zealous of mothers will approve of the demure, below-the-knee hemline.

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Tags: Holidays · Kinder-Factory · Seasons Beatings

9 responses so far ↓

  • 1 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Dec 2, 2008 at 10:24 am

    If they made that Jamie Lee Curtis one I would totally buy it! And at my size it could double as a fancy holiday tablecloth! More bang for my buck!

  • 2 Amanda By NightNo Gravatar // Dec 2, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    Must Have Trilogy of Terrifying Sweater Vests!

    I thought for sure I’d see a Black Christmas poncho in there!

    Awesome blog post!

  • 3 TenebrousKateNo Gravatar // Dec 2, 2008 at 5:55 pm

    I’m convinced that Jeanne Bice will be phoning the KinderCastle any minute now to discuss a partnership!  Truly astonishing work, sir.  I need to get my knitting friends cracking on a mock-up of that fetching Captain Howdy sweater.

  • 4 micksterNo Gravatar // Dec 2, 2008 at 6:46 pm

    I am laughing hysterically but at the same time, I am a little red-faced because I must confess that I have a few of Jeanne’s items hanging in my closet. I am a teacher though so I think I am required to own some. However, the 7th grade boys in my class would probably prefer that wear one or more of Aunt John’s fabulous creations.
    Aunt John, as always a wonderful list!

  • 5 aunt johnNo Gravatar // Dec 3, 2008 at 10:24 am

    @MAMA: I love the way you think.

    was on my list, but then I made it to ten and my criminally short attention span got the better of me. I’ll keep that poncho request in the back of my mind if I get around to dusting off this one in the future.

    If I did get that call, it would really be an X-Mas miracle. Note to Jeanne: CALL ME!

    @Mickster: Please believe me when I say that I really do love and admire Jeanne’s handiwork. I just wish she had a men’s line, ’cause if she did… I’d be rocking those looks all winter long.

  • 6 FoxNo Gravatar // Dec 3, 2008 at 1:09 pm

    Sweet head-band John!  Did you make that as well?

    Once again, I so wish you could manufacture these – you shouldn’t have fired that maid of yours so fast!!! – b/c I would buy these up in a heartbeat.  ‘Specially that Cujo sweater and Carrie White sweater dress. 

    However, I must say that the Jamie Lee Cardigan is a little too busy for my taste.  I hope you’re not offended.

  • 7 Pax RomanoNo Gravatar // Dec 3, 2008 at 6:01 pm

    These sweaters are fantastic, I must have three of each in S.M. and L.  You know it’s not too late to get on QVC, I’ll bet these items will be bigger than anything the Quacker Lady could come up with (so to speak).

    Can’t wait to see Mom’s face on Xmas morn when  she finds the Amityville sweater under the tree. 

  • 8 aunt johnNo Gravatar // Dec 4, 2008 at 1:14 am

    @Fox: Yes, I have a line of Kinder-Factory exclusive headbands… perfect for sweaty foreheads. They are thirsty little buggers!

    @Pax: Please send us a snap of your Mom’s face… it will surely be priceless.

    In other Kinder-Factory news, reader Bigwig was so kind to send in this Kinder-tastic creation, with the following note:

    I felt inspired by the holiday sweaters, and braved my inner demons to create one of my own….now if I could only stop shaking enough to put it on.

    PS: My darlings, if anyone else wants to make a Horrifying Holiday Sweater, be sure to check out We Hate Sheep.

  • 9 RalphusNo Gravatar // Dec 7, 2008 at 9:00 pm

    I’ll take Crystal Lake Christmas and Jamie Lee Cardigan in XL’s.  I cant wait to carve my christmas hams with machete in hand whilst wearing that classy Jason sweater

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