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Kinder-News :: ‘Tis the Season for Santaphobia

December 9th, 2008 by unkle lancifer · 10 Comments

You can’t blame kids for loving old Saint Nick, for every year he brings them toys on Christmas Eve and then splits without requiring any sort of face time. Sounds like the perfect relationship to me, so how come parents have to ruin this perfect symbiotic alliance by shoving their toddlers on his lap and taking pictures?

Thankfully my parents never pimped me out in such a fashion. Contrary to popular belief, being forced to sit on an old, fat, gray-bearded stranger’s lap for a photo shoot is not my idea of a good time. Obviously many children agree with me because 4 out of 5 Christmas snapshots involve Munchian howls of disapproval by the child involved.

There’s even a BOOK out right now celebrating this sadistic ritual abuse. Which means for less than whatever it would cost you to see whatever crappy holiday movie is in the theaters right now, you can ogle at the anguish of confused terror stricken kiddies. How Kindertraumatic!

Note: For even more Satan Santa-induced horror look HERE and HERE.

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Tags: Holidays · Kinder-News · Seasons Beatings

10 responses so far ↓

  • 1 mrcanacornNo Gravatar // Dec 9, 2008 at 8:42 am

    Oh man, I can’t get enough of terrorized kids in Santa’s lap…but that pic on the far right, top row is pure awesomeness!

  • 2 LaDraculNo Gravatar // Dec 9, 2008 at 9:03 am

    I was never afraid of Santa. As Tommy Pickles put it, “Why would you be afraid of a nice man who gives you presents?” It does remind me of the same thing with the comic strip “Rose is Rose” around this time of year, Pasquale’s fear of Santa. So, is there a scientific name for this phobia?

  • 3 aunt johnNo Gravatar // Dec 9, 2008 at 10:05 am

    @LaDracul: That’s a good question. An exhaustive Google search keeps leading back to santaphobia. Are there any linguists, psychologists, or philologists out there with a more clinical sounding answer?

  • 4 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Dec 9, 2008 at 10:24 am

    I think it may fall under Hagiophobia (the fear of saints )

    Here is a great list of phobias:


    (I have all of them except the one about spiders)

  • 5 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Dec 9, 2008 at 11:41 am

    The one on the bottom far left is my favorite. Not only do the KIDS seem to be howlng “Get me outta here!” but Santa himself seems to be crying “Get ME outta here too!”

    I have a picture of my daughter when she was two years old screaming in Santa’s lap. I piss my pants everytime I look at it…it is just so freakin’ FUNNY. We waited AT LEAST tow hours on line at the World Famous MACYS in NYC JUST to meet Santa and the second she saw him she was like “F this! Get me OUTTA HERE!” But me and my sister, nieces and nephew were like “Oh no. We waited two hours for this. You’re gonna sit on his lap wether you like it or not!”
    One of these days I’ll dig out the picture and email it to you. It’s JUST as funny as the ones shown here- If not FUNNIER.

  • 6 FoxNo Gravatar // Dec 9, 2008 at 3:04 pm

    I know that they would be much more difficult to come by, but how awesome would it be if you guys put together a Kinderparade similar to the Halloween one except that the photos are all of Kinder-readers sitting in Santa’s lap!!!

  • 7 Amanda By NightNo Gravatar // Dec 9, 2008 at 4:44 pm

    Man, I loved the whole Santa thing. I never got upset… These pictures are AWESOME!

    My neice and I are the same age and one year when we were really little my sister (her other aunt, not her mom) was showing off for a boyfriend and was bouncing her around and dropped her on her head (this explains a lot, btw) and then I got mad and bit her on the cheek! So, there is a picture of her somewhere in this world with a big bump on her head, a bite mark on her cheek and she’s on Santa’s lap BAWLING! I would love to see that picture! My sister (her mother) used to laugh about it all the time — which may explain some other things!

  • 8 aunt johnNo Gravatar // Dec 9, 2008 at 11:21 pm

    @Fox: That very same idea was bandied about the Kindertrauma offices, however it was vetoed (and not by me).

  • 9 FoxNo Gravatar // Dec 10, 2008 at 2:17 am

    Damn you UNK!!  OR…. could it have been Kettlebottom?????

  • 10 wendyrellaNo Gravatar // Dec 19, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    Masklophobia is the fear of mascots, which I would consider Santa a mascot of the Elves.  We all know they are in charge of everything.  When I was 4, I answered a knock at the door on Thanksgiving Day.  It revealed Santa.  I of course did what any child would do.  I screamed, slammed the door shut, locked both locks and hid in my closet. 

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