Dead Snow

I really love to travel especially when it involves not leaving my house. Norway, you are my new favorite place to visit through my T.V. , from my couch, covered in multiple blankets and adopted strays. Since I’m still experiencing a residual high after my duel satisfying experiences encountering COLD PREYs 1&2, I thought it was just about time to take a shot of that other Norwegian horror flick that I’ve been hearing so much about, DEAD SNOW. You know, the one with the Nazi zombies.

Now, if you think your Unkle Lancifer will just roll over for any movie that takes place in the snow involving Nazi zombies regardless of how well made it is then all I can say is thanks for paying attention and I’m so happy that you know who I am and what I’m about as a person. You officially know me better than most of my so-called friends. Honesty is not usually my forte, but I have no problem admitting that this movie’s job seducing me was half done the moment it was put into the can.

As luck would have it, I don’t have to feel to guilty for having a predetermined affection for DEAD SNOW. Its lighthearted, cartoonish fun, and it wears its admiration of all things EVIL DEAD right on its thermal sleeve. Still, DEAD SNOW is not without its yellow patches; its wafer thin characters and fuzzy logic keep it miles away from being as compelling as it could have been. Blame the script or lackadaisical casting but if I can only identify a character by what they are wearing or how long their hair is there’s a problem. Not that they grow on trees but a BRUCE CAMPBELL or a INGRID BOLSO BERDAL would have made a gargantuan difference.

Having typed that, there is something to be said for a film that delivers the gore goods and action set pieces and doesn’t tax emotionally. It may end up being drive-thru disposable but at least if you watch it with others, you’ll never have to tell them to shut up during the important parts. I could have done without the dusty, eye-rolling “suiting up with kick ass weapons” montage but the fourteen-year-old ‘80s kid sitting behind the steering wheel in my brain deigned a scene with a head being ripped in two by hand notably rewind worthy. (I was equally heart-eyed over a bit that finds a guy hanging over a cliff by an intestine.)

DEAD SNOW is a visual stunner and a overall good time that could have been even better if there was even the slightest attempt at depth or characterization. Frankly, for all its splatter-ific glory, the scene that left me most disturbed involved two people having sex in an outhouse while one is actually sitting down on the toilet (!) Call me a prude, but THAT my kinderpals is just disgusting.

Kinder-News :: Attention Kindertrauma Shoppers!

UNK SEZ: Kindertrauma apparel! You’ve dreamt about it and now it’s real! Why waste your precious time with exhausting workout routines, over priced self-help books, goofy yoga positions and fruitless meditation when you can improve who you are as person simply by buying new clothing? Do you really want to be the last person on your block wearing one of these babies? Be you an oldster, new born, emo, goth, tranny, hillbilly or time traveling Puritan, you are going to look like a fashion God or Goddess if you slip into one of these garments!

Psst! All you guys out there having trouble with the ladies say goodbye to excruciating loneliness forever. Purchase one of these items and your days of binoculars and blow up dolls are gone for good. Ladies, is Prince Charming taking his sweet time hitting you with that happily ever after stick? Shell out some green and it’s off to the ball, your gal pals left fuming and stomping in out of control jealous hissy fits! In today’s struggling economy you need to wear clothes, why don’t you wear these clothes?

Animal fans, do you realize that all of the proceeds from your purchase will surely go to feeding our five cats? Vegetarians, that means you can even eat a hamburger while wearing one of these shirts and nobody will holler at you!

Just in time for the holidays, here comes Kindertrauma apparel, reasonably priced goods that will turn every trash-strewn sidewalk you walk on into a fancy-schmancy, highfalutin catwalk!

Note: Kindertrauma is not responsible for loss of privacy due to paparazzi attack!

Buy now, think later, suddenly life is yours for the taking!

AUNT JOHN SEZ: So here’s how it works. Kindertrauma has partnered up with Zazzle and they print the shirts, ship ‘em out, and gladly take them back if you are not 100% satisfied. All the designs are customizable, so if you don’t care for the style of a particular shirt, you can pick from over 250 styles and colors. Basic t-shirts start at $16 and some change + shipping & handling (bargain!) and from there the prices go up depending upon how awesome you want to look. Don’t be a clown this holiday season… WEAR A CLOWN!

UNK SEZ: Still clinging fiercely to that wallet and or purse and or coffer of leprechaun gold? Take a look at these cats who will surely starve if you do not buy a shirt! Look into their pathetic eyes and tell them you would rather shop at Old Navy this holiday season!

Note: Two of our beloved felines declined to participate in Kindertrauma‘s “Ize get to eat!” ad campaign (Gato Malo and Victoria “Figgy” Figgstone respectively.) Gato described it as, “a truly nauseating attempt at attention grabbing” and lil’ Figgy called it, “a kitty-cat exploitasionsplosion!” We would like to state for the record that no cats were intentionally exploited during the SARAH McLACHLAN supervised red-hot photo shoot. (They chose these sexy poses themselves!) Furthermore, all claims of starvation are facetious. In the cases of Rory and Kevin, who are both a mere six months of age, kitten labor laws were strictly adhered to.

Traumafessions :: Reader Nicole W. on Watership Down

I watched this movie as a tot.

We got a VCR, when they first became popular. There were very few kid movies to rent at that time. My mother thought that this film was appropriate for me and my older brother and rented it over and over and over again. My brother and I hadn’t discussed this movie in over 20 years, when one day it came up. I didn’t remember the plot or the movie itself (I was that young), I only recalled the bunnies, blood and horrifying violence. My brother then chimed in with the name of the movie and how traumatizing he too thought it was.

I’m 33 years old and still have nightmares. I think about renting it and watching it as an adult; thinking it won’t be as traumatic and may ease my mind… but I’m too scared.

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Thanks for the great traumafession Nicole. If you are looking to start an adult support group for this bloody bunny traumatizer, we can hook you up with Readers Greta and Matt N.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Chad on a Fungus-Eared Family

O.K., this will probably be a lay-up for most of the folks that read this site, but I’m going out of my mind trying to remember this one. I definitely saw this on T.V. and I want to say on PBS about 25 years ago. It was a half-hour black and white show from the ‘60s, possibly THE OUTER LIMITS or some U.K. counterpart. In it, a family discovers some kind of mushroom in their back yard. If I recall correctly, the mushrooms were extraterrestrial, but I can’t be certain.

In any case, the Kindertrauma moment is at the end of the episode. The entire family has been taken over by these things, except for one person, possibly Dad. You can tell because their ears(!!!!!) have turned into mushrooms. Dad looks up at the top of the stairs to see the silhouette of his son with the mushroom ears telling him to ‘join them’ or something equally freaking terrifying. Then the episode ends.

I tell people this and they think I am nuts. Well, if I am nuts it is due to seeing a kid my age be consumed by ALIEN MUSHROOMS.

Thanks in advance,


UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Credit where credit is due to the unstoppable senski who got it with ALFRED HITHCOCK PRESENTS “SPECIAL DELIVERY.”

A Kindertrauma Guide to Pissed Off Native Americans in Film

Our recent list of Thanksgiving viewing suggestions, while reasonably well received, was met with one major criticism, not enough avenging Native Americans! This brief compilation shall serve as an addendum to that previous list, for let it never be said that we here at Kindertrauma do not live to serve our faithful readers.

Now, we already mentioned the subtle condemnations found in THE SHINING, the not so subtle scalpings found in SCALPS, and the divine demolition of a craptastic stage play by Native American sympathizer WEDNESDAY ADDAMS in our other list, so here’s seven more selections that will hopefully add an aftertaste of guilt to every bite of pumpkin pie you shove into your mouth today!

Whip smart LASH LA RUE has his hands full with several spiteful spirits in a so bad it’s still bad supernatural spooker apparently filmed in my cousin’s basement rec-room. (Thanks to eugeniepetite for passing us this peace pipe!)

In the episode “Bad Medicine” Kolchak butts heads with a tall drink of yikes! I’m usually not psyched about non-Native Americans playing these roles but in this case I’ll let it slide ‘cuz it’s supermodel RICHARD KEIL (Jaws from MOONRAKER!) (A tip of the feathered headdress to kinderpal Senski!)

A wooden cigar store Indian comes to life and helps GEORGE KENNEDY put some young punks in line in this STEPHEN KING-penned smoker! I had me at GEORGE KENNEDY.

Usually I take the side of the pissed off Indian guy, but in this case I take umbrage to the lil’ guys entrance to this dimension via a popped zit on SUSAN STRASBERG’s shoulder. That's just gross. (Thanks to the sweet as Indian corn mamamiasweetpeaches!)

Never one to shy away from a holiday themed show, Buffy’s season four episode “Pangs” finds the slayer’s Thanksgiving party crashed by Chumash warriors remarkably adept at shooting arrows, turning into bears and giving Xander a plethora of venereal diseases.

You’d have to be batty to blame the bats in this late seventies ecological tsk-tsk-er. Turns out an old pissed off Indian summoned the poor creatures and forced them to do his bidding. Don’t worry, the kind of, sort of, almost passable as an Indian, NICK MANCUSO saves the day!

Maybe Native Americans didn’t have all the modern technological advances that we have today like your annoying iPhones, but ask yourself when was the last time Apple invented something that could resurrect a dead puppy dog? The answer is never.

Traumafession By Proxy :: Kinderpal Mickster on Super Naturals

I have been searching several years for a commercial that traumatized my nephew when he was three years old. It was for hologram action figures called Super Naturals. As you will see in the commercial, a kid rips his head off to reveal a glowing wolf-man face. Poor Zac would run screaming, “Kid pull his head off!” to his bedroom. I wonder if other children were traumatized by this commercial?

Traumafessions :: Reader Propagatrix on The Devil & Daniel Mouse

I was nine when this was shown on T.V., and it’s been stuck in a dark recess of my brain ever since. As one of the comments [on Youtube] points out, “It’s PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE” for kids. (With JOHN SEBASTIAN, even!)

UNK SEZ: Thanks Props! I’m surprised nobody has brought this one up before, back in the day they used to show it on Halloween. THE DEVIL AND DANIEL MOUSE, like most things with the Devil in it, gave me some creeps as a kid too. Based on THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER, this Faustian mouse tale got revamped for the big screen in the form of ROCK AND RULE (It also bears a striking resemblance to the cult musical THE APPLE!) How frickin’ cool is DEVIL AND DANIEL MOUSE? So cool that it was sampled for the BAUHAUS song Party of the First Part!