*Thanks to Friday the 13th blog
Year: 2009
Traumafessions :: Reader Amy K. on Ironside
When I was small, the opening theme from IRONSIDE never failed to freak me out. Actually, the opening credits were freaky to watch, too:
— Amy, age 39 ½
Traumafessions :: Reader Marchant D. on Showbiz Pizza's Fatz Geronimo
When I was a toddler, my friends and I would often have birthday parties at an outfit called Showbiz Pizza Place. (Eventually they all got converted to Chuck E. Cheeses.) While we really enjoyed the arcade, the crappy little ticket toys, and the greasy pizza, there was also an animatronic musical revue. The majority of characters in this show were endearing. However, there was one character that terrified me. He was a keyboard-playing gorilla named Fatz Geronimo. I would generally cry and hide under the table whenever he appeared. I definitely wasn't alone in that regard. I can't believe the character designers ever thought it was a good idea to make him look like this:
Name That Trauma :: Reader Danny R. on Cartoon Gang Violence
O.K., in grade two, our teacher was a mild sadist. She showed us depressing films and picture books, and apparently got some sick kick out of it. Most I've forgotten, but one I haven't been able to forget. I saw it in 2001, but it was probably from the '70s/'80s
It was a cartoon about these inner city kids. They were all African American. One of the boys was a comedian (I clearly remember one of his jokes being, "Today, I told a man that my shoes were hurting me. He told me that I had them on the wrong feet, and I said, 'These are the only feet that I have'"). The comedian boy had an older brother who was in a gang. There was apparently going to be some sort of big gang fight, and so the comedian boy went to stop it. In the end, he gets shot (possibly by his brother). It ends with all of the characters sad at the boy's funeral.
Something makes me think that it was either a FAT ALBERT cartoon, or that it was animated by the same artists.
Name That Trauma :: Reader Bill L. on a Tied-Up Boy Trapped in a High Tide
This one has been bothering me for years. No one I've ever talked to has ever heard of this movie, which traumatized me as a kid.
I remember seeing this when I was kindergarten, so we're talking the 1970/1971 school year. I think it was in black and white, and I think it was narrated rather than having the actors actually talk.
Anyway, the story involves three kids, an older boy and girl, and a young boy, possibly their brother. The two older kids get separated from the brother, who is then grabbed by two older boys dressed as Indians. They take him to the beach and tie him to a pole and run off. The tide starts to come in and the water rises higher and higher. The boy looks to be in danger of drowning, but finally the older kids and their grandfather (I think) rescue him.
Like I said, it's been nearly 40 years since I've seen this, but it still sticks with me. I have no idea who thought it would be appropriate to show this to a bunch of 5-year-olds. Anyone can back me up on this, and confirm this is not some hallucination on my part would have my gratitude.
AUNT JOHN SEZ: It's time to put on your thinking caps dear readers. Does anyone know what Bill is talking about? Sound off in the comments or shoot us an email.
The Unborn (2009)
Before we start talking about the movie THE UNBORN I have to tell you guys about the crazy day I've had. Can you believe that I ran over a four-year-old child in my car?
Oh, don't worry. He seemed O.K. when I left him. In fact, all I gotta say on the subject is what a weird kid!
Now, do you feel that perhaps my attitude about what I've done seems a bit I don't know… casual? Well don't worry, I DID NOT run over a kid in my car but in the movie THE UNBORN a character literally tells her friend what I just told you and her friend's response is to basically shoo her away and change the subject back to herself. Herself being Casey Beldon (ODETTE YUSTMAN), who just won't stop bellyaching about some ghostly unborn sibling who keeps tormenting her. Hey Casey, if you think unborn siblings are a pain in the ass, try dealing with ones that lived!
Being inherently self obsessed and devoutly whiney myself, I hate to throw stones but Casey's reaction to her gal pal's admission to a hit in run incident involving a child is pretty much par for the course in THE UNBORN. Vivid hallucinations of head twisting ghouls, potato bugs springing out of cracked eggs and tentacles sprouting out of glory holes in a women's rest room (!?!) illicit similar reactions. Sure she screams with the best of them, but the constant constipated expression on her face in the aftermath would be a more appropriate reaction for somebody who has misplaced her cell phone.
I tried to have an open mind and give THE UNBORN a fair shake. I swear to God I did, even though I knew going in that this would probably be one of those post-RING killer kid flicks where everybody's C.G.I. jaw expands like taffy and the camera shakes a lot to represent action. While we are on the subject, PLEASE STOP MAKING BLUE TONED MOVIES! I feel like I'm flipping through a fashion magazine at the dentist's office rather than watching a film. I once had an art teacher say to me, "If everything is important, nothing is important" and I think that applies to films like THE UNBORN that bludgeon you with their visual style. (Entire UNDERWORLD series you might want to jot this down.) It looks great, I'm a sucker for a glossy well photographed flick but when there is zero contrast throughout, it ends up looking like a subway car speeding by that you just can't focus on.
I would have loved a well done exorcism movie my friends but I just can't get behind a movie that stubbornly refuses to touch ground with anything resembling life on this planet. I think SPEED RACER had more of a natural sense of the human condition than I found here. Furthermore, how can I ever forgive a movie that makes GARY OLDMAN look like RODDY McDOWALL? To be nice, THE UNBORN does have a few cool, surreal moments, …well, actually no, I take that back. I think that the winter backdrop looked nice…um…yeah, the snow was pretty. Well, I'm sorry THE UNBORN ya kinda suck, but I will throw ya this bone…that glory hole monster was like the second most disgusting thing that I have ever seen in a public restroom, so big props there!
Traumafessions :: Knarf Black of Video Updates on Ghostbusters
I was a massive GHOSTBUSTERS fan as a child and watched the cartoon show religiously; catching my first glimpse of Cthulhu and getting freaked out by the Sandman. One episode was particularly horrifying, though I can't remember much of the plot. Egon's soul had been kidnapped by some nasty spooks, and while the rest of the team prepared a rescue, the ghosts bided their time by stretching the soul out like a canvas and using it like a trampoline. As a tot, I was terrified both by the thought of evil spirits stretching and jumping on me, and by the existential horror of somehow having one's soul abducted in the first place.
AUNT JOHN SEZ: For some really nice "spoilers, salty language, and occasional NSFW imagery" from Knarf Black, be sure to check out VIDEO UPDATES!
Name That Trauma :: Reader Zoë On Sewer Monster Sludge and Possible Phyllis Diller Lookalike
I believe this might be a TV movie, probably from the very early '90s ('90-'92). I don't quite remember what it was about, but I do remember it took place in the sewers and there some kind of sewage sludge that, when touched, would turn said person or animal into a monster. There may have been a large group of people, but what I do remember is that there was a PHYLLIS DILLER lookalike that got turned into a 10-foot pillar of terror. I think it was a stop-motion effect. The image of that monster has been burned into my mind since the day I saw it, but to this day (over 10 years) I have not for the life of me been able to figure out what I saw.
Please, please, please!! If you have any ideas as to what this might be I would be eternally grateful.
UNK SEZ: Zoe, when I hear "sewer" I think C.H.U.D. but I don't recall the old lady monster that you mentioned in that one. 1991's THE BONEYARD does indeed feature PHYLLIS DILLER and she does grow into a giant monster at one point in that film. Check out the trailer HERE and for an extensive review just pop on over to the great ZOMBOS CLOSET OF HORROR. Let us know if thats the one you've been looking for!
Babysitter Wanted
Gosh darn, this hurts. I can't tell you about the most intriguing aspect of BABYSITTER WANTED without ruining its most pleasant surprise. What's even more painful is that I have to resist using what would be the film's stronger images to illustrate this post for the same reason. Legitimate, well-thrown curve balls are so rare in horror movies these days that I couldn't live with myself if I diminished even a fraction of this movie's novel bite. Nope. I Just won't do it. Who says I don't have any scruples? (Put down your hand Aunt John, I thought those left over enchiladas in the fridge where fair game. Time to move on).
I know what you are thinking, "A babysitter in peril movie?… been there, done that," and you're absolutely right. In fact, the beginning of BABYSITTER WANTED does just about everything in its power to prove that it has no intention at all of covering new ground. Every cliché is in place: missing college girls, ominous phone calls from a shadowy stranger, even the standard small town feckless police officer makes an appearance in the form of BILL MOSLEY. Half way in, BABYSITTER may not be impressing you with its originality, but you have to admit it certainly does a fine job of imitating its slasher forefathers right down to its butter wouldn't melt protagonist and its obviously humble budget. Midway in I was far from wowed, but seriously enjoying the cozy vapors of nostalgia.
Once the comfortable, hoary stage is set though, a genuine wild card is hurled. I'm not sure if it's 100 percent convincing, but the effect is profoundly invigorating nonetheless. Suddenly the stakes are much higher than imagined and the opportunity for a fuzzy outcome deflates triple fold. It's sort of like thinking you are stepping into a puddle and ending up waist deep in mud. Directors JONAS BARNES and MICHAEL MANASSERI deserve props for patiently allowing things to gel before dropping their hammer. Kudos is also deserved for standing back and allowing some black humor to seep through the cracks once the game board is flipped. This may not be the scariest movie ever made and it does require a bit of the old suspension of disbelief (if you don't know how to do that… learn), but once things start ticking, it delivers quality suspense at regular intervals and ends up being a lot of fun.
Heading the cast as eighteen-year-old babysitter Angie is the closer to thirty television vet SARAH THOMPSON (7TH HEAVEN, ANGEL) who makes the journey from accommodating good girl to sneering survivalist without missing a beat. An equally impressive performance is given by BRUCE THOMAS, whose acting career began playing "Mini Ash #3" in ARMY OF DARKNESS and who has the chin to prove it. This misleadingly simple, covertly aggressive production is exactly what independent horror should be about. It also makes the case that the slasher genre itself has not even begun to fulfill its full potential. All the genre really needs is filmmakers like these who are not afraid to REALLY shuffle the deck before dealing the cards.
NOTE: Hey, that's the new Mrs. Voorhees NANA VISITOR playing Angie's ma!
ALSO: Check out BABYSITTER WANTED's official site HERE.