Author: unkle lancifer
Five Underrated Stephen King Flicks by Unk
NEEDFUL THINGS (1993)
I was less than smitten with this one when I watched it upon its video release way back in the olden days. I found it sorta lame, tired and dull. Now that I'm sorta lame tired and dull myself, I totally get it! Thanks for being patient NEEDFUL THINGS! Young folk don't like to hear it but there really are some things that you can't fully appreciate until you've got some miles on you. A few broken dreams under your belt might be required to empathize with the desperate actions of the townsfolk of Castle Rock. Scares are scarce but there's plenty of pitch-black social commentary in this Faustian consumer nightmare and what a perfect cast. You couldn't possibly do better than MAX VAN SYDOW as the devilish Leland Gaunt and if you're not of fan of ED HARRIS our friendship is over. Who among us can resist the fascinatingly unhinged savoir-faire of AMANDA PLUMMER? Who?
Observant viewers will catch a creepy glimpse of LISA BLOUNT (R.I.P.) of PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1987). It seems her role was severely cut from the theatrical version of the film (She makes a bigger dent in the three hour long TV edit apparently) but she still makes a brief, strangely haunting appearance in a crowd scene toward the end. I have to bow down to the BLOUNT, she etched a permanent scar on my brain with her memorable role in DEAD AND BURIED (1981). Truth told this particular KING tale would have been better served as a miniseries in the first place, where each character might have gotten a fairer shake but it's still a nice if short visit and if you're in the right state of mind, it's funny as hell.
DOLORES CLAIBORNE (1995)
KATHY BATES was soooo good in MISERY that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences had to give her an Oscar or else they'd look like total jackasses. But then a couple years later when BATES did DOLORES CLAIBORNE they were all like "Back for seconds so soon, are we Kathy? You might want to slow it down on the STEPHEN KING material, if you want another one of these gold dudes." Here's the thing though, the truth that nobody can bear to hear without losing their mind to madness…BATES's performance in DOLORES CLAIBORNE is ten times better than her performance in MISERY. Sorry, it's just so true and somebody had to say it. I apologize if I just made you spit coffee on your laptop screen. It's a much more complicated and challenging role and she's so seamless and smooth in it. I guess the difference is DOLORES makes you feel sad and guilty and real empathy for those who struggle silently in this world and that's no competition for the crowd-pleasing condescension that MISERY allows. (I love me some MISERY but let's be real.).
And what the hell Academy? You didn't think maybe you should nominate JUDY PARFITT for best supporting actress for her role as Vera Donavan? Are you insane? She only travels from steely witch to sympathetic confidant to heartbreaking crone throughout the course of the film. Oh, I see, you had to give that award to MIRA SORVINO. That makes a lot of sense. What a joke. I don't know how Academy voters are able to look themselves in the mirror without ripping their own eyes out in a shame rage induced by the realization of what unscrupulous frauds they are. That's right, I call shenanigans!
Oh and TAYLOR HACKFORD's direction! Holy crap! It's so beautifully expressive and so painterly and emotionally vivid. And the way he orchestrates the different time periods with opposing film stocks and visualizes the character's mental states with finely tempered doses of MAGRITTE-inspired surrealism. I mean, c'mon people! O.K. I admit the inquest scene is a total wet noodle that robs the conclusion of the bite it deserves but too late- I already love the movie.
SALEM'S LOT (2004)
This one isn't so much underrated, as it is vehemently hated. People who don't dig it REALLY don't dig it. I don't get the furor. It's certainly not as scary as TOBE HOOPER's original stab and it pales to the experience of reading the mesmerizing novel but it's hardly the worst adaptation. Maybe I'm just a sucker for getting lost in a miniseries. I love the town, the ominous Marsten house and the coldness of it all. Plus RUTGER HAUER! Maybe I'm wrong. That's fine by me. I can be wrong and happily watch this again.
THE NIGHT FLIER (1997)
I know we were just talking about this one but it's worth repeating, THE NIGHT FLIER is one under the radar gem of a flick. It's like this great mysterious adventure and then when it gets down to business and (literally) opens its jaws, it's some kind of wonderfully scary. I know it doesn't look good. It is.
MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (1986)
It's KING's directorial debut! It can't possibly be as terrible as its reputation would have us believe? Right? As someone who just recently watched it, I can tell you- yeah, it is pretty crummy…but therein lies the fun. It's a trash-tastic B-movie salute to ‘50s drive-in flicks and maybe even a mechanical parody of THE BIRDS. Let's just call it a mess with a middle section that makes even me yawn but what a hilarious hoot in places too. So much of what made it a dud when it came out in the ‘80s makes it a gloriously delicious time capsule stuffed with abysmal head scratchy dialogue today. For all of its faults, I can't resist the AC/DC score and the hilarious performance by THE SIMPSONS' YEARDLEY SMITH. Isn't that enough? Would folks rag on this so much if somebody else directed it? I doubt it. All you need to enjoy this is a sense of humor and maybe more alcohol than your doctor would approve of. In any case, this flick represents one of my favorite things about the author. No matter his success, he never gets so highfaluting that he forgets the low brow sparks that got his imagination roaring in the first place. When we talk of STEPHEN KING and horror movies, "Who made who?" is a valid question.
Name That Trauma:: Reader Michelle D. on a Haunted House PC Game
Hiya!
I Just thought of another thing that scared me as a child. The only problem is, I don't know what it's called! It was a game for the PC from the '90s and in the game you are trapped inside a haunted house. The only way to get out was to search the house to find thirteen keys before the clock in the house struck thirteen o' clock. If it struck thirteen, the game was over. Characters would appear in the room you are in now and again and you could give these characters an item and they will give you one in return (sometimes a key). There was a two headed monster, Frankenstein, a female vampire, a hunchback, a little boy, a mad scientist and a genie or ghost named Graeme (only character name I can remember). Characters weren't the only thing to appear, but monsters would also appear every now and then. These monsters weren't friendly as they would attack you if you didn't leave the room in time. My older brother thought that some of the monsters were wimpy, but they did scare me. Especially the hangman victim who grew long fingernails and clawed you! That affected me for ages afterwards.
If anyone can help me figure out the name of this game that will be great.
Thank you!
UNK SEZ: Thanks for writing in Michelle! I believe I found your game. You were very close on the ghost's name but it was actually "Gahan" as he was named after the man who inspired the game, kindertrauma legend Gahan Wilson! The game is called GAHAN WILSON'S ULTIMATE HAUNTED HOUSE. You can read up on it HERE and HERE and there are plenty of videos on Youtube to check out if you want to revisit some haunted memories!
Sunday Viewing:: The Night Flier (1997)
Look at this nice thing I found for you dear people. It's THE NIGHT FLIER, which is based on a STEPHEN KING story and it's looking pretty sharp! This is seriously one of the better adaptions of KING's work, so it's really a shame that it has become so hard to come by lately. Maybe you can help change that by signing the petition HERE to have it released on Blu-ray! It is truly is a outstanding flick. It's almost like a lost X-FILES episode and not only is it suspenseful and funny, but I think it hits a pretty horrific and disturbing note as well! It is sure to leave you with three giant questions: Why doesn't MARK PAVIA direct more?, Why don't we have more movies with JULIE ENTWISLE in them? and Why don't people throw awards at MIGUEL FERRER every time he leaves his home? Be kind to yourself today by watching THE NIGHT FLIER below….
Also: Check out this oldy moldy list of SEVEN UNSUNG VAMPIRE FLICKS!
Kindertrauma Decoder Puzzle!
IT'S KINDERTRAUMA DECODER PUZZLE!
1. Identify the clues above.
2. Combine the clues. What do they have in common?
3. Fill in the blank with your guess:
THE HORROR OF ____________.
The first person who gets it right will find a free pizza hidden somewhere in their home.
That's not true. Please don't look for it.
The Horror of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century
BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY is a horror fan's friend. Don't you remember that scary space vampire? All right, maybe he wasn't that scary but his influence on the usually unflappable Col. Deering (ERIN GRAY of JASON GOES TO HELL) sure was. Wilma got wacky.
And remember when our pal JAMIE LEE CURTIS needed a break from being chased by an unstoppable killing machine in HALLOWEEN and being chased by an unstoppable killing machine in HALLOWEEN 2 and so she stopped by Buck's neck of the universe to get chased by an unstoppable killing machine in space? While wearing pajamas? Even in space, orange is the new black!
No folks, you can't escape from horror, not even in the 25th century! Let's look at some other instances where horror acted like peanut butter and Buck (THE STEPDAUGHTER's GIL GERARD) acted like chocolate and they both smooshed together in mutual space flavored deliciousness!
Awakening, Part 1 & 2
Yikes, mutants! Mutants are not the living dead but they sure seem to have graduated from the same charm school. Watch them try to kill Buck in a foggy graveyard of all places!
Planet of the Slave Girls, Part 1 & 2
This one has got both JACK PALANCE of ALONE IN THE DARK and WITHOUT WARNING and RODDY McDOWALL of LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE and FRIGHT NIGHT!
Vegas in Space
Hooray it's RICHARD LYNCH of BAD DREAMS and THE PREMONITION and PAMELA SUSAN SHOOP of HALLOWEEN II!
The Plot to Kill a City: Parts 1 & 2
Geez Buck, what's with all of these two parters? Well, this one doesn't have any horror people in it. Wait! Ack! It's ANTHONY JAMES the evil chauffer from BURNT OFFERINGS behind that mask! Oh, I must go cry in a corner now.
Return of the fighting 69th
The hits keep coming! This episode features ROBERT QUARRY of COUNT YORGA, VAMPIRE and its sequel, DR. PHIBES RISES AGAIN, MADHOUSE and SUGAR HILL!
Unchained Woman
This is that famous JAMIE LEE CURTIS episode that I already mentioned but wait that's not all! Look! It's dear TARA BUCKMAN who not only played a chummy sidekick of horror royalty ADRIENNE BARBEAU in THE CANNONBALL RUN but made her own permanent slash on the genre in SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT!
Planet of the Amazon Women
It's pretty ANN DUSENBERRY of that LIES (1985) flick I love so much and look there's JAY "Dr. Shrinker" ROBINSON who was in BRAM STOKER's DRACULA and THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER among others! This episode also famously contains one of the few times in television that a grilled cheese sandwich was used in a threat…
Cosmic Wiz Kid
It's that pesky GARY COLEMAN episode. In an obvious attempt to infuriate me, nobody ever cast GARY COLEMAN in a horror film. Jokes on them, for if they had, that movie would be seen, loved and owned by every single human that is not an imbecile. I'm not bothered, I'm undaunted, we'll just have to go the proximity route; Willis did TWICE DEAD, Kimberly was in EXCORCIST 2 and good old Dudley is in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 5. Oh, and Adelaide was totally in MORTUARY ACADEMY. If unsatisfied please consider the HELLO LARRY crossover episodes which featured KIM "I wanted a Vanilla twist" RICHARDS and the legendary DONNA WILKES (ANGEL, GROTESQUE, BLOOD SONG).
Escape From Wedded Bliss
In this episode nemesis Princess Ardala's right hand man Kane gets a facelift. He is now portrayed by MICHAEL ANSARA (THE MANITOU, IT'S ALIVE) rather than HENRY SILVA (1979"s THIRST).
Cruise Ship to the Stars
Here's a good one! FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 4's KIMBERLY BECK is a "transmute" which means she transforms into an entirely different person whenever she's having a bad day. LEIGH McCLOWSKY, star of DARO ARGENTO's INFERNO tries to exploit her talents in order to off GALIXINA's DOROTHY STRATTEN!
This LOVE BOAT -inspired gem gets additional points because the background extras are either in bathing suits or disco dancing, Twiki meets a robo- girlfriend and Wilma is forced to wear a MARCIA WALLACE wig.
Space Vampire
Still a better love story than TWILIGHT!Har-har, I always wanted to say that. Now I feel cheap- and yet somehow closer to my fellow man. This episode is a stone cold classic. And really, you can view it as a vampire vs. werewolf tale because look who guest stars in it! Why, it's THE HOWLING'S CHRISTOPHER STONE wearing a moustache that puts the space vampire's unibrow to shame! Take that, evil Volvron!
Happy Birthday Buck
Every 534th birthday party should have PETER MacLEAN of SQUIRM, MORGAN BRITTANY of SUNDOWN: THE VAMPIRE IN RETREAT and THE INITIATION OF SARAH and TAMARA "Cleopatra Jones" DOBSON on the guest list.
A Blast For Buck
I'm glad somebody is having a good time. Geez, Buck what the hell are you doing having a clip show in your first season? Bee deep Bee Deep Bee deep indeed.
Ardala Returns
Wow, that Ardala sure can't take a hint. Now she's just looking desperate. She's gone and made clones of Buck! Did Kane really just ask " What could she be doing with three Buck Rogers for almost an hour and a half?" Maybe I'll just ignore that and point out that feline henchman "Tigerman" is now played by wrestling legend HARD BOILED HAGGERTY who's also in the classic TV movie CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW (1977) and DEATHSPORT (1978).
Twiki is Missing
This is a favorite because it features underrated scream queen ANNE-MARIE MARTIN of THE BOOGENS, PROM NIGHT and a tiny smidge of a scene in HALLOWEEN II fame. She plays a space angel with CARRIE-esque telekinetic powers.
Did you know our ANNE -MARIE was once married to MICHAEL CRICHTON and that JURASSIC PARK is dedicated to her? She's also really into horses and owns a MAGRITTE. All right, she's my new hero and I'm not just saying that because she got 31 million dollars in the divorce settlement.
Olympiad
I hate to break it to Vladimir Putin but if this episode is any indication, the future of the Olympics looks super gay. Here we get JUDITH CHAPMAN who was in 1991's DEAD SPACE, DAY OF THE ANIMALS & THE MANITOU's PAUL MANTEE, PAUL COUFOS of 976 EVIL 2, FOOD OF THE GODS 2 and CHOPPING MALL and BARNEY Mc FADDEN of SALEM'S LOT.
A Dream of Jennifer
Buck meets a gal who looks exactly like the girl he left behind and she's played by beautiful ANNE LOCKHART. Did you know LOCKHART was JOHN CARPENTER's first pick to play Laurie Strode in HALLOWEEN? It's true. I don't make stuff up. It's hard now to imagine anybody else besides CURTIS playing Laurie but I totally get where CARPENTER was coming from and it's not too hard to imagine lil' DANIELLE HARRIS staring at this photo mournfully in PART 4…
You'll also find in this episode, PAUL KOSLO of XTRO II, OMEGA MAN and ROBO JOX, JESSIE LAWRENCE FERGUSON of JC's PRINCE OF DARKNESS and the coolest person who ever walked on the face of the Earth, MARY WORONOV (SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT– ROCK & ROLL HIGH SCHOOL and many more.) Let me also state that WORONOV is a gifted writer and painter and an all around national treasure.
Space Rockers
I hate when people do this but I'm doing it anyway: Best. Episode. Ever. I'm sorry, but Just look at that title "space Rockers" and let it ferment in your brain. Now try to comprehend that this baby also features two of the sexiest people in entertainment, RICHARD "NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR" MOLL and JUDY "HELLHOLE" LANDERS! Youch! This rocket ride is so hot it should come with a cold meteor shower!
Buck's Duel to the Death
Oh no, things are getting serious now; Buck must fight "the Traybor"! The Traybor is half robot, shoots lightening and is played by WILLIAM SMITH of INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS and MANIAC COP who everybody knows can beat up anyone even without the help of lightening. HEIDI BOHAY of 1982's SUPERSTITION is not going to be of much help!
Flight of the War Witch
Now it's time for a very special two hour-long season ender. Buck gets lost in a wormhole, meets a nasty space witch named Zarina (Thanks for almost-everything JULIE NEWMAR) and somehow poor Princess Ardala (PAMELA HEMSLEY) finds a new dimension to humiliate herself in. If you want horror stars you got em! How's about PSYCHO & PSYCHO II's VERA MILES and living legend SID HAIG (SPIDER BABY, HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES)?
All right, now it's time to bid farewell! I was going to do season two as well but that's just crazy. Maybe some other time, how does never work for you? There is a very creepy Satyr episode in season 2, I can tell you that much. But right now I'm beat and I'm bushed. In fact, I feel like I could sleep for a couple hundred years! Maybe a little "disco inferno" will wake me up…
Kinder-link:: 2 Warps to Neptune & Blanked as Ordered
I don't have my homework today not because the dog ate it but because I simply didn't do it. I got too distracted! It's not my fault. I blame Mickster and Frank Stallone. Ya see, Mickster told me about this Lynda Carter TV movie called HOTLINE (1982) on YoutTube and while I was watching it, Frank Stallone just appeared out of nowhere. Now, I love Frank Stallone more than a million Sylvester Stallones and so I had to verify it was him, which I did, but then I found a beautiful TV GUIDE ad for HOTLINE and that took me to this place called 2 WARPS TO NEPTUNE and that place was so great that I ended up being trapped there for hours and hours and I got nothing done. I didn't even find out what happened to Lynda Carter in HOTLINE!
One of my favorite posts on 2 WARPS TO NEPTUNE comes courtesy of yet another amazing site called BLANKED AS ORDERED. It's very well suited for Kindertrauma and so I must share. It's a collection of drawing done by a fellow named Ryan Orvis and his late sister Ginger when they were kids. The two went to go see THE BLACK HOLE together and were so flabbergasted and traumatized by the experience that they immediately took to cathartically relating their ordeal through art. These drawings are fantastic! I want them all hung and framed on my wall (which is incidentally wallpapered with a THE BLACK HOLE bed sheet)! Which reminds me, don't you hate it in movies when they show a kid's drawing and it so obviously not drawn by a kid but by an adult trying to replicate the way a kid draws? That is one of my biggest pet peeves! First of all, it's so obvious and secondly, why not just hire a real kid to draw it for crying out loud! How hard is that?
So shoo folks! Nothing new here today but do stop by 2 WARPS TO NEPTUNE and BLANKED AS ORDERED– that's where I'll be.
Sunday Viewing:: The Possessed (1977)
What an excellent day for an exorcism! Who in the name of God could be compelled to miss a TV movie that stars DEAD AND BURIED's JAMES FARENTINO, JAWS 2's ANN DUSENBERRY, CHILD'S PLAY's DINAH MADOFF, HALLOWEEN's P.J. SOLES and HARRISON FORD of the smash hit REGARDING HENRY? Full review HEREabouts.
Traumafession Trio:: By Reader Rob G.
Rob, born 1970….
"Jaws" – still can't stand deep water.
"Dracula" – w/ Frank Langella, especially vampire Lucy in the crypt.
"Nightmare on Elm Street" – mostly the last scene w/ mom pulled through the door.
The Exorcist never affected me, Godzilla looked cuddly and Jason Voorhees just killed stupid people; but the above gave me serious creeps growing up.
Never felt those sort of scares again until the J-Horror / Ringu / Ju-On era.
great site,
Rob
