Author: unkle lancifer
Butcher Knives & Body Counts: Essays On The Formula, Frights & Fun Of The Slasher Film
It's October, the busiest month of the year and I should be harvesting pumpkins, caramelizing apples and stitching together TUCKER & DALE Halloween costumes for myself and Aunt John but I can't put down BUTCHER KNIVES & BODY COUNTS: ESSAYS ON THE FORMULA, FRIGHTS & FUN OF THE SLASHER FILM. If you like horror movies at all then you should be reading it too. It's not like any book I've ever encountered and I'm not just saying that because I contributed to it…although yes, that small fact certainly does make it different from any book I'm aware of. Sorry obituary page! Your plans to be the first to print my name have been foiled!
Let's forget about me for a moment (geez, that was a little too easy for you), this incredible tome was edited by Bram Stoker award winner VINCE LIAGUNO, has a forward by ADAM ROCKOFF, author of the essential GOING TO PIECES: THE RISE AND FALL OF THE SLASHER FILM, features an afterward by ANTHONY TIMPONE of FANGORIA fame and in between, it gushes with over seventy contributors including folks like director ADAM GREEN (HATCHET, FROZEN) and author JACK KETCHUM (THE GIRL NEXT DOOR, THE LOST.) You'll even bump into neighbors of Kindertrauma who have dropped by from time to time like AMANDA REYES of MADE FOR TV MAYHEM and ol' pal JEFF ALLARD of DINNER WITH MAX JENKE among many, many others.
That's the great thing about this book; there are so many different voices in one place and they've all gathered because they have one thing in common, a passionate love for slasher films. The scope of the volume is extraordinary, reaching back to slasher seedlings of the thirties all the way up to the present. As for me, I happily took on three of my favorite flicks: THE FUNHOUSE, HELL NIGHT and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME and I'm honored to be included in such a eclectic grouping of equally devout enthusiasts. I guess what I'm saying is, if you don't hear from me for a while, you'll know where I am; happily lost in the pages of this book. You can order BUTCHER KNIVES AND BODY COUNTS at Amazon HERE or check out its official home HERE.
Hillbilly Horror!
UNK SEZ: I don't know what's going on in your neck of the woods but around these parts today marks the day that TUCKER & DALE VS. EVIL finally opens. To celebrate the fact that something is playing at the movie theater that looks good enough to get me out of the house, I have assembled this here post! Below are ten images from ten films. They may not necessarily be movies ABOUT hillbillies but they at least have a hillbilly(+ish) character or two within them. Good luck, have fun and make sure you check out the trailer for TUCKER & DALE below and the official site HERE too!
The Sentinel (1977)
It's time we talk about 1977's THE SENTINEL. Director MICHAEL WINNER (DEATH WISH, the crazy/awesome SCREAM FOR HELP) has an inelegant caveman-crude eye, lead actress CRISTINA RAINES is as animated as a Colorform, and the derivative sanctimonious plot even has the nerve to rudely sink into the police procedural zone for zero effect or reason. So why is the film so darn bizarrely effective? How does it spit in the face of everything one values in a good film and still achieve its primary goal of making me feel like life is a gross, indecipherable nightmare that will never end? I suppose that sometimes something can be inadequately done and yet still be so singularly weird and wildly wrong that it leaves a strong impression regardless. It's like throwing a dart at a board, missing the board entirely but hitting a fly on the wall instead. I can roll my eyes all I want while watching THE SENTINEL but by the time it ends, I know I'll be left feeling disturbed.
I guess all the church-y mumbo jumbo is meant to convince us that we're witnessing an epic battle of good vs. evil but that's what they all say and I don't believe it. The only war I see going on here is the clash between superficial beauty (fledging super model RAINES) and the not so appealing (everybody else). I don't see RAINES' character Alison in any true danger throughout the course of the film but she sure does experience a lot of anguish and mortification when presented with the ill favored and unattractive. The "demonic" are presented as too emaciated (her dad) too plump (his cake eating lover) too old (BURGESS MEREDITH among others) and too gay (Lesbian neighbors SYLVIA MILES and a she-bopping BEVERLY D'ANGELO). The film's climax provides a large print version of the subtext with a full on parade of individuals with actual deformities representing the denizens of hell. Due to multiple suicide attempts, Alison is damaged goods too (at least in the eyes of the church) and her punishment (or honor?) is to freeze and crack, lost in a loop forever fighting to keep the "ugliness" at bay. She's not the first. She won't be the last.
We're told that Alice has brought her torturous predicament upon herself by rejecting God and from what we see, God is not a fan of rejection. Yes, her brownstone apartment is the doorway to hell but that's what she gets for dissing marriage and desiring to live alone. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to bash THE SENTINEL's archaic view of damnation or maybe I do, but it's with the knowledge that the film's shallow piousness is its discomforting strong suit. Still, I can't help sensing that Alice's main anxiety is that atheism makes you less attractive. THE SENTINEL is usually accused of being an also ran in the religious horror movie craze of its time. It may look like that duck and quack like that duck, but it's really just a neurotic swan swimming on lake shame. It doesn't get close to the artistry of the films it is often compared to but its fervent condemnations and Alison's relentless self-flagellation are nothing to sneeze at either. Just because an axe isn't sharp doesn't mean it can't do damage.
Somehow even more fascinating than THE SENTINEL's grotesquely simple view of humanity, hilariously crude post dubbing, cinder block lead actress and squeamish fear of the flesh, is the film's mind-boggling extensive supporting cast. Nearly every person you have ever heard of makes an appearance and somehow new people seem to show up in it each time you watch it. It's just ridiculous really and I refuse to list them all. Just when you think you've seen everything, TOM BERENGER and NANA VISITOR appear, eager to sign up to be the next victims. The fact that this film acted as such a weirdo magnet confirms my suspicion even further that there is something truly unnatural going on.
The truth is, I could stare at this movie like a zombie forever and I'd still be baffled. How was this movie ever made? How can such nonsense be so creepy? How is this not Italian? Based on a once popular novel by JEFFREY KONVITZ, THE SENTINEL may not hold a candle to THE EXORCIST in exploring good vs. evil but when it comes to exploring the sickness of dividing people into "desirable" and "undesirable," (intentionally or not) it excels. I guess in the end it really does have something to say about religion…and I guess it ain't pretty.
Friday The 13th Part Clue
UNK SEZ: Somebody has killed Alice in the kitchen with the ice pick!
Using the process of eliminating suspects who don't look absolutely horrifying, can you solve the case?
Dirty, Filthy Horror
So I came across a German trailer for THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE (1976) sneaking around YouTube and it got stuck in my head. The trailer is so dark, damaged, scratched up and weathered that it feels like an unscalable wall of gloom. I've never seen the film look shabbier and I've never seen it look as intriguingly sinister or lurid either. Maybe I'm experiencing a rubber band effect from being exposed to too much slick high definition lately, but it got me thinking about the movies I enjoy that gather strength by the fact that they revel in their own grunged-out grittiness.
PSYCHO (1960)
PSYCHO may seem like a starkly handsome film now but when you compare it to HITCHCOCK's earlier flashier flicks, it's obviously a deliberate step away from artifice and glamour. Marion Crane stumbles into a world that is rotting and falling apart and HITCH's emphasis on keeping it candidly real went so far as to showcase the first flushing toilet seen in American film. PSYCHO is nothing if not about the blemishes and stains that can't be scrubbed away; not even in the shower.
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968)
Some folks might assume NOTLD's shabby chic aesthetic is due to its age but if you consider the fact that it was released the same year as ROSEMARY'S BABY, you get a better idea of just how scrappy and low brow this production is. The film's non-existent budget surely influenced the end result, but director ROMERO's blunt news footage approach turned the minus of poverty into an integral plus. NOTLD's public domain status insures that a dingy looking copy is never more than a Google search away.
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974)
Remaster it, put it on DVD, smack it with a Blu-ray high definition stick, hire a zillion cherubs to polish it with Jesus' tears, it doesn't matter. TEXAS CHAINSAW will always look like it's been dragged through the mud since the beginning of time and that's why I love it. No need for blood, the ultimate horror here is derived from committing the unspoken American sin of looking under the carpet where the trash has been swept.
SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1974)
Here's another example of a limited budget being an asset. SNBN is dark, cold and grey throughout and it utilizes its authentically well-worn locations to their creepy fullest, but it is the film's cracked and crusty sepia toned flashback sequences that really chill the bone.
CATHY'S CURSE (1977)
I may have just created a portal to hell by including CATHYS CURSE and PSYCHO on the same list and I'm fine with that. CATHY'S CURSE's heap of garbage, ratty demeanor is not an artistic choice but the result of brain damaged filmmakers and the reality that nobody would want to remaster the film due to the process involving having to watch it. I stand convinced that every repulsive rust and avocado hue from the seventies dived into this celluloid cesspool to die. That said, one of my favorite aspects of this abomination, besides its doctrine of non-stop nonsense, is the fact that its base fugliness is heightened by its shredded, war torn ill kept state. What a Mess-terpiece!
SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT (1979)
I've never seen a copy of this movie that doesn't look like hell and I don't think I want to. Huge chunks of it are completely indecipherable but that's part of what makes it work for me. SOAWN goes beyond delivering nicked and damaged visuals; it offers a wave of crunchy crumbling sound too!
DEAD AND BURIED (1980)
Here's an underrated movie with no shortage of atmosphere. D&B has several shockingly gruesome set pieces but for me there's one ragged insert that shadows over the others. In it, one the main characters is revealed to be not quite what they seem via a battered and dingy amateur home film, the texture of which contrasts with everything else we've seen.
NIGHTMARE (1980)
Finally available on DVD, I was initially disappointed when I threw NIGHTMARE's disc in my player and noted the extensive scratches and damage that it still retains. My chagrin dissipated quickly when I realized that NIGHTMARE's sleaze trash, grind house nature was in fact perfectly framed and amplified by the scourge of visual imperfections.
CEMETERY OF TERROR (1985)
I have to include this recent discovery. One of the great joys of watching COT is basking in its ramshackle mangled mahogany state.
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999)
How ironic that when Hollywood jumped at the chance to capitalize on BLAIR's success with a sequel that the first thing they jettisoned was the original's coarse and crude threadbare look. C'mon, the film's ace in the hole for igniting imaginations was its unrefined, vague as the shroud of Turin visuals.
THE ROB ZOMBIE OEUVRE
From the kaleidoscopic channel surfing static strewn barrage of HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES to the acrid dusty rust heaps of THE DEVIL'S REJECTS to the swirling melted Jolly Rancher bag of his HALLOWEEN re-duo, ZOMBIE's visuals are never not rug burn raw and bursting with imperfect unkempt energy.
THE END
Hey, so that was an eclectic (sloppy) assemblage of films wasn't it? I almost included SE7EN(1995) and PLANET TERROR (2007) but decided that rather than earning the holes in their jeans, they bought them pre-weathered at designer stores. Maybe I should have separated the films by those that were scruffy on purpose, those that were ratty due to budget and those that were torn up due to not being well preserved but I didn't. I mostly just wanted to talk about the wondrous effect that the marred, sullied, untidy image has on me when I watch a horror film and what can I say? I like things a little messy. It's a matter of taste.
The Final Terror (1983)
Slasher movies are like wine, they get better with age and only a sophisticated palate can distinguish the full range of subtle aromas and flavors. Some days I simply require the crisp hearty taste of a killer in the woods flick and I know I am not alone. THE FINAL TERROR is often dismissed as a FRIDAY The 13TH rip-off but that's not entirely accurate. Really, TFT should be so shrewd as to mold itself after FRIDAY, instead it's frustratingly coy and it refuses to go for the gusto even when in the perfect position to do so. Just when things get exciting, it ends. Still, it does have a certain something and I almost masochistically enjoy that it won't give me what I want.
What's to love:
The cast: JOE PANTOLIANO is the perfect creep and aw, there's LEWIS SMITH of BUCKAROO BANZAI and MARK METCALF from the TWISTED SISTER videos! Furthermore, I'll never say no to either DARYL (BLADE RUNNER) HANNAH or RACHAEL (NIGHT SCHOOL) WARD. Even though neither leave much of an impression here, to have both in one film is an embarrassment of riches. ADRIAN ZMED on the other hand is nothing to brag abou,t but I'll give him a break as a courtesy to GREASE 2.
The Location: Where FRIDAY shows off the lovely woods of New Jersey THE FINAL TERROR takes place in some zone that more closely resembles the planet Endor. (In fact, IMDb just informed me that TFT and RETURN OF THE JEDI do share location.) Nature here is all encompassing and the sense that help is out of reach is distinct.
The Killer: TFT's menace sprouts straight out of a campfire tale. A young girl is raped by her uncle and thrown into an insane asylum. Her offspring later frees her but then noting that she is nuts beyond repair leaves her in the woods to live off the land. Now, she hunts trespassers and could one of the main characters be that very son? It's nice having a female psycho and it's cool that the haggy beast camouflages herself to blend in with the surroundings and uses what is available to make deadly traps. Imagine being split apart by rusty can lids! That's gotta hurt. Plus she lives in a shack in the woods just like I will someday!
What's not to love:
The Kills: There's maybe two barely decent kills in this movie and that's not going to cut it. In fact, half of the cast survives! I appreciate that TFT was going more for a survival thriller rather than slasher flick vibe but the difference between obscurity and rampant cult fandom (THE BURNING will tell you) is mostly in the blood. I'm not saying you have to spring for SAVINI or anything, but maybe go to the store and score some ground chuck for Pete's sake.
The Lighting: If you're old enough to turn on a camera then you're old enough to turn on a light. I know there are easier things than lighting a forest but c'mon. I'm going to give TFT the benefit of the doubt and point out that it has yet to receive anything close to a proper presentation for the home market. I don't remember image quality being an issue when I first caught it on cable as a critter. Maybe my eyesight was better then.
The Pace: TFT slowly builds up to an alarming bus attack scene and then somehow looses momentum again. I understand the value of quiet time and I don't require fireworks every second, but there is a certain amount of focus and direction that is necessary for effectiveness. It's kind of like listening to someone tell a story who keeps getting sidetracked by minutia. I can forgive vagueness but not so much the feeling that so much time is wasted where we could have easily have learned useful information.
I know I'm trying to get a dog to meow and that if any other movie was as equally good as it was bad, it would be called a failure but this is a forest-set, eighties horror flick and in a way that overrides all. If you're not a slasher fan you needn't bother, but if you count yourself among the truly devoted it might hit the spot. THE FINAL TERROR gets props from me for not following the usual path but it sort of gets lost in the woods anyway. We don't get the usual stereotypical characters and that's nice but then again we don't get to know anyone at all. Why am I telling you all this? Because THE FINAL TERROR is available in full for free on YouTube and no matter how you look at it, free is a fair price isn't it? Maybe not, but sometimes I just have to take a walk in the woods anyway.
Mystery Six!
Everybody's most favorite show ever, KINDERTRAUMA FUNHOUSE has been put on hiatus! The news is equal parts sad and true! With budgets soaring, ratings plummeting and advertisers scurrying away like rats due to THE FUNHOUSE's controversial sexual reassignment surgery, KINDERTRAUMA had no choice but to pull the plug. Will it return? It's too soon to guess but luckily, as a mid-season replacement, there is MYSERY SIX!
MYSTERY SIX is hip, hot, now, flagrantly cutting edge and offers 100 percent of the same entertainment value while cutting production costs by nearly forty percent! MYSTERY SIX is sure to sweep the Internet by storm with its streamlined approach to Friday morning trivia! Can you identify today's MYSTERY SIX? Do you know who the heck these people are? Answer correctly and you can tell your friends you are superstar king of the day!
Seven Unsung Vampire Flicks
UNK SEZ: Here's a list of seven vampire flicks that I believe are underrated. You will not see great movies like NEAR DARK, THE HUNGER, VAMPIRE'S KISS or NOSFERATU here because I think people generally know those flicks are good. Beware because even though they are numbered, I put little or no thought toward their order!
7. VAMPIRE WARS : BATTLE FOR THE UNIVERSE (aka BLOODSUCKERS) 2005
You may have stumbled across this one on the SYFY Channel, thought it looked lame and skipped past it and, if so, you really missed out. This is great, goopy, gory escapist entertainment sporting highly likable (and easy on the peepers) characters that I only wish I got to see more of. It's sorta the illegitimate child of BUFFY and FIREFLY coated in an almost FLASH GORDON-esque corny, cartoon candy shell. The first thing I thought after viewing it was, "This should be a series!" And how sad to find out that it actually is a pilot for a show that never got picked up. Ouch. That hurts considering the bonanza of crap SYFY chose to support instead. VAMPIRE WARS comes courtesy of MATTHEW HASTINGS who is responsible for the equally underrated DECOYS (2004), so maybe I shouldn't be so shocked that I enjoy it as I do.
6. THE NIGHT FLIER (1997)
Of course this movie fell through the cracks, it's based on a short story from some obscure writer named STEPHEN KING! Two tabloid journalists are tracking down a serial killer who uses a private plane to stalk his prey. Matters turn for the worse when the suspect is discovered to be a vampire with a pilot license. The always good MIGUEL FERRER gets a chance to tear things up in a rare lead role and director MARK PAVIA provides more than a few moments of true eeriness that are bound to stay with you. My only question is why we've never seen another picture directed by PAVIA. I hope he has a good excuse.
5. THE THIRST (1979)
Here is yet another example of great Australian cinema. THE THIRST is a remarkably original vampire movie both in its tone and with its progressive vision. Make sure you catch this one on DVD in widescreen and read our more extensive review HERE.
4. I, DESIRE (1982)
This one is probably going to be difficult to track down, but if you are a fan of eighties horror and are looking for a good DAVID NAUGHTON-starring companion piece for AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, it's worth the effort. If you're a BRAD DOURIF fan, and you should be, then get on it quick. Check out our full review HERE and our pal AMANDA BY NIGHT's thoughts over at MADE FOR TV MAYHEM HERE.
3. VAMP (1986)
To be honest, VAMP is not such a good movie, the story is all over the place, some of the jokes leave a bitter, douche-y aftertaste and the scares are few and far between. Be that as it may, it's a fluffy-fluorescent, neon noir knock out if you crave flawed eighties flicks. Moreover, the exceptionally charismatic cast makes it all worthwhile. GRACE JONES is oddly mesmerizing as a far too mute vampire goddess, CHRIS MAKEPEACE is a perfect clean-behind-the-ears everyman, DEDEE PFIEFFER is bug-in-a-rug adorable, and ROBERT (NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2) RUSLER, as always, rules. (If someone could explain to me how RUSLER didn't become a giant star in the '80s while a traffic cone with teeth named TOM CRUISE did, I will bake them a cake.) Sure, VAMP is rarely successful at its clear intention of capturing the spirit of the previous year's FRIGHT NIGHT, but as far as presenting characters we care about, it fares far better than that film's recent remake does. Not a total success, but nostalgically entertaining nonetheless.
2. DRACULA (Spanish version 1931)
When it comes to classic UNIVERSAL-style horror, I'm enraptured by the FRANKENSTEIN series, severely dig THE WOLFMAN and quite shamefully feel unsatisfied and unmoved towards TOD BROWNING's 1931 take on DRACULA. Aren't I awful? You see, for me, BELA LUGOSI may be sufficiently creepy and weird and all, but when it comes to romantic magnetism, his pockets produce moths. The Spanish version of DRACULA, which was filmed at the same time and utilized the same sets as the better known classic, mows the lawn in spots that BROWNING's version missed. It's got a far sexier vibe, more vibrant violence and frankly shows, rather than meekly cuts away from, good old-fashioned bug chomping. It's almost the exact same undead tale but the difference is, it pulsates with more gritty unapologetic life.
1. THE ADDICTION (1995)
One of these days I'll write about this movie more in depth, but for now I'll just say I love it. It's one of my favorite vampire movies, favorite LILI TAYLOR movies and favorite ABEL FERRARA flicks too. I find it much more effective than the similarly black and white NADJA and much more involving than the similarly shoestring-budgeted and New York set THE HABIT (both of which came out around the same time.) Besides TAYLOR, the cast also includes ANNABELLA SCIORRA, EDIE FALCO and CHRISTOPHER WALKEN. I don't think critics understood this one too much, chalking it up as a pretentious drug allegory when really it tackles much larger issues like humanity's natural penchant towards causing cruelty and the contagious nature of evil. It's as gloomy as a Ladder Day Saints commercial and yet its soundtrack features CYPRESS HILL and if that doesn't tell you how singularly awesome it is, then I don't know what will. This is yet another movie that never found its way to DVD but if you look around hard enough (namely HERE) you should be able to find it.
Name That Trauma :: Stacy Pershall (Author of "Loud In The House Of Myself") on an Explosive PSA
Oh my dearest Kindertrauma, I have JUST discovered you, and I'm in love! I'm hoping you can help me figure out who was behind the biggest trauma of my young life. It was, of course, a PSA, and it sent me and my brother running out of the room in tears back in the '70s. I'm pretty sure it was made by the Latter Day Saints. It was about hate, and it featured a little red cartoon guy with smoke coming out of his ears and, as I recall, wild swirly eyes. He started far off in the distance and stomped toward the screen as a creepy song about hate played. The last line of the song, as I recall, was, "Hate…the one it hurts the most…is YOU!" And when it said, "you," the little guy EXPLODED!
I've searched for this thing in vain for years. The closest reference I've found is HERE.
Oh, and I did a gallery installation about THE WALTONS' episode "The Changeling" at GalleryThe here in NYC. I slept in the gallery window wearing a red wig, surrounded by Raggedy Ann dolls, as a TV played the scene.
I hope someone else remembers this PSA!
UNK SEZ: Thanks Stacy! I don't remember your commercial but I've always been haunted by another one that I'm pretty sure was from the Latter Day Saint's too. In it, a little girl is shown crying, looking out of a rain soaked window and then her mom comes up behind her and the girl says, "Mom, why am I so dumb?" and that's it. They used to show it all the time and I know it existed because it inspired a popular catchphrase in my home. I'm not a fan of religion myself but I must give credit where it's due and say that the Amish make great pickles and the Mormons make great TV commercials. I could watch LDS spots all day! They run the gamut from noose inspiring to nitrous oxide sweet and every so often they're narrated by TOM BOSLEY! I looked for both of our PSAs in the YouTube pile up below and came up empty handed but maybe if we keep our fingers crossed and pray to the Internet, both of our ads will reemerge soon!
ALSO: Thank you Stacy for alerting the Kindertrauma offices to both HEDDA GET BEDDA and the board game SEANCE! Kids, you can buy Stacy's book LOUD IN THE HOUSE OF MYSELF over HERE!
