kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Kindertrauma Funhouse :: Greetings From Happy Town!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: C'mon get happy! One of our lucky players will win a HAPPY TOWN T-shirt on this very day! HAPPY TOWN (or as I like to call it, the new AMY ACKER show…long live ILLYRIA!) is a brand new show premiering this Wednesday on ABC (check local listings for times). What is the mystery of this happy town and who the heck is the scary magic man killer? You'll have to tune in to find out. I'm thinking this one looks pretty good and I need a new show to watch! Hey, it's from the channel that gave us TWIN PEAKS and besides my boo AMY ACKER, it's got SAM NEIL of IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS, FRANCES CONROY of best show ever SIX FEET UNDER and STEVEN WEBER from that other version of THE SHINING. Maybe this is something we can all watch together kids! What's an hour a week right? Plus, didn't ABC give us nearly all of our favorite made-for-T.V. movies back in the day? Show some love! Anyway, you gotta have this T-SHIRT, it's in a little bread loaf package. If it doesn't fit, give it to a friend or your beloved mail person to cheer them up. GET GUESSIN' and watch HAPPY TOWN this Wednesday!

Traumafessions :: Elisabeth Fies: Writer, Producer & Director of The Commune on The Birds

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's so hard for me pick just one movie that traumatized me as a kid! I was sooooo frightened of horror movies. One of the earliest ones that changed me was THE BIRDS. I never even saw the whole movie, but the eyeball-pecking scene was enough when I was six to make me so afraid of crows that I would no longer walk to my best friend's house alone. She lived only four houses away, but crows used to gather on the electric poles between us. So not only did I have nightmares and fears about Mr. HITCHCOCK's masterpiece, but I actually changed my life schedule around those fears…my parents would have to watch me walk me past the birds so I could play with my friend!

UNK SEZ: Thanks ELISABETH for the great traumafession! All of you horror fans out there are sure to be interested in ELISABETH's award winning film THE COMMUNE, it's been dubbed "true horror" by PRETTY SCARY. You can read much more about it on the official website HERE, and watch its snappy trailer below. (Notice that the peacock in the trailer is safely behind bars!)

Traumafessions :: From The Makers of The Black Waters of Echo's Pond…

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: Look kids! We've got some special traumafessions from the makers of THE BLACK WATERS OF ECHO'S POND which opens TODAY!

SEAN CLARK (Screenwriter, THE BLACK WATERS OF ECHO'S POND):

My first memory of seeing a horror film as a child was seeing JAWS in the theater when it came out. I was terrified and it ruined going to the beach for me for the rest of my life. When Ben Gardner's head popped out of the bottom of the boat I just about pissed myself! The next one was seeing ALIEN in the theater. I remember getting a stomach ache the next day and staring at my belly afraid an Alien was going to come ripping out of it. I was freaked out. Lastly I think the worst one was TRILOGY OF TERROR. I saw it on T.V. and when the segment played where the Zuni Fetish Doll comes to life and chases KAREN BLACK around her apartment I was in tears and screaming for my mom to turn it off. They wouldn't shut it off and I had nightmares for months. I was a huge KISS fan and had the Mego 12" Gene Simmons doll and it kind of reminded me of the Zuni Doll so I had my mom lock it up in a cupboard in the kitchen. I thought it would come to life and attack me.

GABRIEL BOLOGNA (Director, THE BLACK WATERS OF ECHO'S POND)

Hands down, the scariest film I saw as a kid, that still haunts me to this day, is THE EXORCIST. The total fright-experience in WILLIAM FRIEDKIN's chilling masterpiece still holds today, because he so brilliantly blurred the lines between make-believe and reality. Because of that film, I can't tell you how many times at bed time as a child, I had to check underneath the bed, under the furniture, check the closets, etc. Looking back, it seems almost comical that, out of all the places in the world, the devil would choose to lurk in my very bedroom — by the way, THE EXORCIST was on cable again a couple of months ago, and afterwards — I checked under my bed.

UNK SEZ:: Thanks guys for the stellar trauma-testimonials! All you traumatots out there, GO see this movie and support not only independent cinema but guys who are nice enough to supply traumafessions! THE BLACK WATERS OF ECHO'S POND stars the legendary Michael Myers foil DANIELLE HARRIS and JAMES DUVAL of DONNIE DARKO and (my favorite) MAY fame! Heck, you'll even get a nice dose of ROBERT PATRICK! So whatcha' waiting for? Go, check your local listings for a theater near you!

Kindertrauma Funhouse :: Spellbinder Spectacular!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ:: Yes, the unstoppable Internet buzz is accurate! Today, the greatest day ever invented, is the day that YOU can win a pre-owned VHS tape of the 1988 smash SPELLBINDER starring AUDRA LINDLEY. Too behind the times to own a VHS player? I feel for you but rest assured this priceless item also makes a great paperweight, conversation piece or secret location to hide money. Did I mention it's out of print and theoretically banned? Not owning this tape is sort of like condoning book burning if you ask me.

YOU MUST HAVE IT! Even if you don't know any of the answers to today's Funhouse, you can still win because our winner will be picked randomly by number. Knowledge shall never prevail over enthusiasm here at Kindertrauma Castle! If you're so inclined, you could leave a comment simply telling us why YOU MUST WIN or about your most favorite THREE'S COMPANY episode. You may even want to start a scorching interweb debate over who was the better landlord, The Ropers or Mr. Furley. Get commenting, today YOU could be the SPELLBINDER!

HOW TO PLAY:: Below are ten images from ten horror movie posters. The more movie titles you identify, the better you will feel today. If you don't recognize any of the images talk about THREE'S COMPANY.

Spellbinder (1988)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I've been making a great effort to wean myself from using the word "awesome" but the 1988 supernatural thriller SPELLBINDER sure doesn't make it easy. I first caught this one back in the day and although I remembered being impressed by its scorpion sting ending, I didn't recall much else about it. The other night I stumbled across it again in HD on our local cable provider's ON DEMAND feature and wow, what a difference a couple decades (and a non-crappy presentation) makes. Don't get too far ahead of me here, SPELLBINDER is still a B-movie, I'm not saying it's a lost classic or anything (or am I?), it just happens to accomplish everything it promises to and more. It just happens to be awesome…damn.

I can't help it! Fans of eighties late night cable will feel me. With the multiple of choices at our disposal these days it's difficult to recall just how special an entertaining, vaguely naughty trip to the dark side like this once was. SPELLBINDER may have gotten lost in the pack when originally released but as it stands today, I'd say it's a diamond in the rough that deserves much more recognition. If nothing else, SPELLBINDER is the type of flick that's built to stop A.D.D. channel surfers right in their tracks. Everything about it may suggest mediocrity but once immersed within the story, you're not going anywhere. In fact, like the devil himself, its greatest strength may be in its ability to masquerade as ordinary. The all around no frills, zero gloss approach creates an arena that allows its few moments of artsy surrealism to be that much more jarring.

The caliber of acting is a might better than what you might expect too, even those with little to do at least have a certain amount of presence. TIM DALY (STORM OF THE CENTURY) is perfectly cast as naive everyman Jeff Mills who makes the understandable lame brain mistake of trying to help someone in crisis. Leaving the gym with buddy Derek (break me off a piece of that RICK ROSSOVICH), Jeff witnesses sexy Miranda (erstwhile charmer KELLY PRESTON) getting a plate full of knuckle sandwiches from her greasy, long-haired goon of a boyfriend Aldys (maybe she locked his saxophone in the car?) This meet non-cute is followed by Jeff's inadvisable invitation for Miranda to move right in after she displays some magical orgasmic healing power. Well, greasy Aldys turns out to be just one of many who want Miranda to return to the fold as it later becomes clear that she is AWOL from a Satanic cult.

I know it doesn't sound like much but the miraculous SPELLBINDER is somehow able to incorporate karate chicks, a kooky survivalist, heads catching on fire and the fine art of removing a roasted turkey from the oven without oven mitts into the mix as well. This movie is strange but in a subtle enough way as to genuinely infiltrate your senses. Soon even the most innocuous background performers begin to give off a menacing vibe and Jeff can hardly pass a dog walker on the street without you imagining them as a potential threat. So what you have here is an erotic, "Should have thought twice about hitting that!" thriller mashed up with a paranoid, "They're all in it!" Satanic panic movie, all spruced up with a dash of the kind of supernatural reality bending horror that was so popular at the time that this was made (thanks to Monsieur Krueger.) I don't know about you but that just about covers all of my needs.

The sad news is that SPELLBINDER has never found a home on DVD (It's on the Youtubes all the time and like I said, currently on ON DEMAND.) From the unsubstantiated gossip I've scrolled through, the rumor is that PRESTON and hubby JOHN TRAVOLTA have purchased the U.S. distribution rights and would prefer that this movie never be seen. (Yes, the folks that brought you BATTLEFIELD EARTH are embarrassed by this film.) I'm not sure if it's PRESTON's minimal boobage display or the possibility that the couple would rather distance themselves from films about life destroying cults, either way I don't care. What gets (or should I say sacrifices) my goat is that PRESTON is not the only person in this movie. If she wants to bury a movie may I suggest any or every other one she's ever made with the possible exception of SPACE CAMP? Please don't send secret assassins to murder me PRESTON, but you must realize that you are keeping the world from the best AUDRA LINDLEY performance ever. How do you sleep at night? You're an adult, you must know the difference between right (allowing me my AUDRA) and wrong (listening to the guy who made MOMENT BY MOMENT.)

You heard right kiddies; MRS. ROPER fucking brings it in SPELLBINDER! MRS. ROPER is worth the tracking down of this baby alone. I'm telling you, she's phenomenal and should have been nominated for an Oscar. She barely needs to talk; everything just registers on her mug like advertising on a blimp. The woman is a genius and does more with two scenes than some actresses (cough) have done in their entire careers. (It's not rag on KELLY day, I'm just stating the facts as I see them.) Anyway, if I should disappear in the next couple days you all know why. It's O.K., I guess I'm ready to go down for my cause…FREE AUDRA NOW!…FREE AUDRA NOW!

Clash of the Titans (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Is it my imagination or have there been some major advancements in the art of special effects since we last caught up with Perseus in 1981? I'm no expert on such matters but from what I can tell there has been a particular surge in the area of crafting giant scorpions. I know, I know, there's nothing quite like the sublime beauty of RAY HARRYHAUSEN's stop motion animation but let's be frank, by today's standards it's looking a bit, how do I say this politely…crude. Pelt me with whatever you like, you were thinking the same thing.

Since my cards are on the table I'll add that even as a thirteen year-old watching the original CLASH OF THE TITANS, I thought the effects were pretty unconvincing. Still, that never stopped them from commanding my full attention. In fact, I was well aware that the entire movie was shoddy but that just made me hold it that much tighter to my chest. C.O.T.T. is fucking sweeter than a crayon drawn Valentine. It's a cynicism free, hokey, golly-gee hayride that, like all bright-eyed innocents, was spat upon and jeered on arrival. It may not be good but as I've said before, good movies can bite me.

My big fear in taking in the 2010 CLASH remake was that our story would be flared with cool dude, pseudo-butch crap and phony baloney Dark Knight posturing. Hey look how modern I am because I'm dingy and I'm all growed up now because I'm a nihilist! Ptooey and ptooey and further more ack!

I'm happy to say that the new CLASH is just as dorky craptastic as its source material and even though there are more than a few missed opportunities (how about a bit more time getting to know Pegasus people?) it's a fun, giddy Saturday afternoon, dumdum adventure that didn't make me wish I'd bought a hoagie instead. Some beloved characters do get shafted big time but I can't really complain as several others were given much more due. The rag-tag gang that joins Perseus on his adventure may all be red shirts, but at least they are mourned and acknowledged. I'm not sure who or what the rock-faced, magical djinn are but I do know that if I was still 13 that they would be first on my must-buy action figure list. Of course it would have been even ballsier to include Bubo the maligned, mechanical owl in on the Monster Mash, but baby steps people, baby steps. I have to give praise for any small ember of corniness still allowed to glow in a modern fantasy adventure and CLASH, although no great success, is at least amiable enough to bow hard on that ember.

So yeah, you're going to hear that this is crap and your reply should be, "Good, when's the next showing?" If you are so far gone and removed from your younger self that you can't get spooked out by the hideous witches, awed by the stomp on CLOVERFIELD Kraken, glory in a horse with wings, thrill at a snake lady like Medusa, or even just note the hilarity that this is LIAM NEISON and RALPH (pronounced Rafe because he's not a Cretin) FIENNES' second clash following SCHINDLER'S LIST, well I can't help you. Get the to the comic shop and lighten the Hades up.

NOTE: I should also add that I really like the hurt, injured and mostly quiet Perseus as performed by SAM WORTHINGTON. I dug that he wasn't the standard dickweed narcissist we usually have to put up with in adventure movies. My favorite moment in the whole movie may be when his dad Zeus opens up his wallet and gives him some spending cash (a gold coin) to take on his ski trip.

Also, yes, Perseus! Ethereal tomboy Lo (GEMMA ARTERTON) is a keeper, who needs Andromeda? Now you two lovebirds go off into the sunset but if you leave behind Bubo again, I'll never forgive you.

Kinder-News :: BRIAN DE PALMA's TOOTSIE 2: THE CURSE OF DOROTHY MICHAELS Heading Straight To DVD!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Originally conceived as an Oscar hopeful BRIAN DE PALMA's TOOTSIE 2: THE REVENGE OF DOROTHY MICHAELS, after several disastrous test screenings and a multitude of release date changes, is finally heading straight to DVD in early June. This is a giant step backward for a 200 million dollar production once poised to go head to head with JAMES CAMERON's AVATAR in theaters. "The plug needs to be pulled on this abomination," says an insider, "any money spent advertising this doorway into hell is going right down the toilet."

TOOTSIE 2 has been a lightening rod for turmoil ever since its inception. The original script by JEFF BUHAI (REVENGE OF THE NERDS, EDDIE) was strong enough to lure the once resistant, high-priced talents of DUSTIN HOFFMAN and JESSICA LANGE to return to their roles. For reasons only known to DE PALMA that script was scrapped at the last minute in favor of an overhauled version by DAVID SELF (1999's THE HAUNTING), which eliminated comedic elements in favor of direction that was more in line with a psychological thriller. LANGE unhappy with the new direction bowed out, her only official statement being, "There's not enough money in the world," and was replaced by frequent DE PALMA collaborator MELANIE GRIFFITH.

SELF's script was eventually leaked onto the Internet and greeted with fan outrage. The story finds the popular character of Michael Dorsey decades after the events of the original TOOTSIE. Although the still-working actor has enjoyed a small amount of success on a prime time drama called "Higgon's Point," its cancellation has left him grief stricken. "It's harder for actors of a certain age to find quality roles," reveals HOFFMAN in an exclusive Kindertrauma all-access, on-set interview, "TOOTSIE 2 confronts that reality head on." Learning in the local trades of a plum part in a Broadway production of IBSEN's A DOLLS HOUSE, Dorsey auditions only to be rejected on sight. After a bit of sleuthing he learns from a stagehand that the role of "Nora" is only being offered to actors of the female persuasion. "That's when the spirit of Dorothy begins to speak to me again," confides HOFFMAN. "That's how she gets inside my head!" (As if to illustrate, HOFFMAN bangs his head into a craft services table repeatedly.)

Suddenly every actress who is up for the role is being murdered by a shadowy trench coat wearing, flame-haired figure with a straight razor. Terror hits even closer to home when Michael's wife Julie (GRIFFITH) reveals that she too has her eye on the part. Has Michael's alter ego "Dorothy" returned to kill all who stand in his way? "I can't tell you that!" says HOFFMAN, "but I can tell you that Dorothy is alive and well and living inside Michael, whether she's a crazed, blood thirsty killer or just a friendly entity on hand to help solve the riddle is the film's big mystery!" GRIFFITH is equally tight lipped. "I'm not in the end of the movie!" she says, "That much I remember."

The roster of victims in TOOTSIE 2 reads like an Oscar Who's Who: MARISA TOMEI, MIRA SORVINO, HALLE BERRY and HUNTs LINDA and HELEN all fall prey to the figure crew members have dubbed "the wig." Word has it that TOMEI's death is particularly gruesome. "BRIAN's plan was to outdo HITCHCOCK," says TOMEI chewing on what could either be a soft pretzel or a knish. "Only instead of a shower," she continued, "he'd use a bidet. Although seen by a precious few, TOMEI's bidet death has already garnered much attention, it is claimed that DE PALMA shot over four hundred hours of footage for the three minute scene. "Sometimes a director can fool the audience by killing off his biggest star right off the bat, the audience is like, 'Wow, now who am I supposed to care about?'" TOMEI plops the last morsel of whatever it was she was eating (an Egg McMuffin?) and smiles mischievously, "I'm not allowed to tell you if that's what happens in THE TOOTSIES (sic) but I will say that my fans better bring plenty of Kleenex!"

Ultimately no amount of high wattage star power seems likely to save TOOTSIE 2 from its straight to DVD fate. Five alternative endings were filmed and all were greeted with equal amounts of disdain from preview audiences. "I've never seen a film that doesn't involve WILL FERRELL score this low," said one insider. "I'd call it a train wreck but that would imply that it once had the power to function." Somehow DE PALMA is able to stay optimistic, "We've still got a couple weeks to turn this decision around, Michael's inner Dorothy wouldn't let him give up and let me tell you my inner Dorothy, who I refer to simply as "Dot", is equally willful. We' haven't even tried this thing in 3-D yet, that will be the true test!"

HOFFMAN who is a credited producer and is currently writing a comic book tie in that will fill in Dorothy's "lost years" between the two films agrees. "As an actor you know when a character has outlived their welcome and I don't see that ever happening with Dorothy. I've made sure that each and every ending we've filmed whether on the Earth or on the moon includes a shot of her hand coming up from the grave." When asked what direction he sees the franchise going in the future Hoffman offers up this Kindertrauma exclusive. "I'm talking to JULIE ANDREWS right now about returning to the role of Victor from VICTOR VICTORIA, people have been asking me for years, who would win in a fight, Dorothy or Victor? If I have my way, we're all going to find out!"