Author: unkle lancifer
Unk & Mickster's Top 13 Reasons To Love Friday The 13th: The Series
What has been my favorite part of hosting Kindertrauma? Meeting folks like Mickster. If you follow these pages at all you are probably familiar with her contributions in the field of traumafessions, her frequent comments and her undeniable prowess with horror trivia. Along with her hubby Professor Von Whiskersen, she has become a true friend.
One of the first things that I learned about our Mickster is that she is a die-hard fan of FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE SERIES. I remember seeing episodes back in the day and I remember liking them but I never followed it faithfully. Upon her advice, I decided to catch up with it on DVD because a T.V. show that is my friend's friend is my friend too.
Mickster and I now present you with our thirteen personal favorite things about the series, which will simultaneously give you the viewpoint of both a devoted fan and a wet behind the ears newbie. Our ultimate point being, you should be catching up with this classic too. Mickster, take it away…
MICKSTER's TOP SIX:
(Actor) DENIS FOREST
Frequent guest star, DENIS FOREST is one of many reasons I love FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE SERIES. He appeared in four episodes during the show's three seasons. From the moment I laid eyes on him, he made my skin crawl. In "Cupid's Quiver," he is the epitome of the sleazy stalker. In "The Brain Drain," he even makes a mentally disabled character creepy. His compulsive gambling character thinks he has found the solution to his mounting debts in "The Mephisto Ring." In "My Wife as a Dog," he portrays a divorced firefighter that wants to switch his ex-wife's life with the life of his beloved, dying dog.
JACK MARSHAK (actor CHRIS WIGGINS)
What would FRIDAY THE 13th: THE SERIES be without Jack? Well, there wouldn't have been a show without Jack. Ryan wanted to keep the store, but Micki insisted they sell the store and its contents. After the big sale, Jack arrives and discovers the manifest. Ryan and Micki were getting ready to go back to their old lives before the revelation they had unleashed cursed objects into the world. Jack's vast knowledge of the occult and magic saved Ryan and Micki on numerous occasions. I have a soft spot for older characters that kick butt. You just don't have many of those nowadays.
TIME TRAVEL
Awesome cursed objects used for time travel makes me love the Series even more. Four episodes involved objects used for time travel: season one "The Baron's Bride," season two "Eye of Death," and season three "Hate on Your Dial" and "The Charnel Pit." My favorite of the four is season one's "The Baron's Bride." This episode has a vampire traveling back in time via a diamond broach and inspiring Bram Stoker to write Dracula. The sequences of the episode taking place in the past were filmed in black-and-white, which I think was a nice touch.
(actor) ZACK WARD ( aka A CHRISTMAS STORY's Scut Farcus )
One of my favorite episodes from season one, "Vanity's Mirror," features ZACK WARD. You may be more familiar with ZACK as Scut "Yellow Eyes" Farcus from the classic holiday film A CHRISTMAS STORY. After he falls under the spell of a cursed compact, ZACK meets his doom in a trash compactor. Ralphie, Flick, and Schwartz would have cheered Helen on as she turned Scut Farcus into a bloody stain at the bottom of a dumpster. The poor guy was trying to be a gentleman by retrieving Helen's handkerchief she purposely threw in the dumpster.
RYAN DALLION (Actor JOHN D. LEMAY)
As much as I enjoyed checking out Micki's hip styles each episode, I think I enjoyed making fun of Ryan's interesting fashion choices more. For my money, Ryan's worst fashion choices were featured in the fantastic season one episode, "Scarecrow". The cardigan and cap he sported for the majority of the episode were simply atrocious. Bad fashion choices or not, I still had a crush on him. I think there was something about him that reminded me of Duckie from PRETTY IN PINK.
(Actor) R.G. ARMSTRONG
Whenever I see R.G. ARMSTRONG it is a safe bet he is going to be a bad guy. His turn as Uncle Lewis Vendredi is no exception. During the first episode called, "The Inheritance," it appears Uncle Lewis reconsidered by deciding not to sell an evil doll to a little girl. By doing this, the Devil promptly drags him to Hell. During the rest of the series, whenever Uncle Lewis appears he is up to no good. He attempts to make his way back to earth in the season one episode, "Hellowe'en" and the season two episode, "Doorway to Hell." R. G. ARMSTRONG is the quintessential bad guy.
UNK's TOP SIX:
(actress) SARAH POLLEY
The series is off to a great start by featuring one of my favorite actresses (DAWN OF THE DEAD's SARAH POLLEY) as a young child in its very first episode. The fact that this series opener also involves a very kindertraumatic haunted doll, makes it just that much more awesome.
(actress) LESLEH DONALDSON
How happy am I to see scream queen LESLEH DONALDSON in the episode "The Great Montarro"? In the early eighties LESLEH consecutively starred in FUNERAL HOME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, DEADLY EYES and the inimitable slasher classic CURTAINS!
MICKI FOSTER (actress ROBEY)
You can not underestimate the supernatural allure of ginger goddess (LOUISE) ROBEY. For my money she may be one of the most under appreciated eighties icons of all time. Everything about her emits the neon glow of the decade of excess from her fire alarm mane to her off stage new wave rocker persona (Just check out her singing cameo in THE MONEY PIT). Wherever you are ROBEY, come back we miss you!
EVIL DWARF LADY
I'm a sucker for Halloween episodes but F13:TS's "Hellowe'en" takes the pumpkin cake by resurrecting Lewis Vendredi (the uncle responsible for the cursed antiques) and giving him an evil shape shifting dwarf lady for a sidekick. I'm officially hooked now.
CANADA
X-FILES fans need to give this show some props. FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE SERIES not only has a level headed redhead as a protagonist but like THE X-FILES, is also filmed in Canada. That might not seem like a big deal except for the fact that the great white north has a very distinctive (barren, cold) feel on the small screen. (The above image is from that outstanding WILLIAM FRUET (KILLER PARTY, FUNERAL HOME) directed first season episode "Scarecrow.") Damn, Canada's greatest export DAVID CRONENBERG even directed an episode (Between THE FLY and DEAD RINGERS no less)!
KOSHER ROMANTIC SPARKS
One of the things that used to confuse me about this show when it originally aired was the sometimes romantic interplay between the two main characters who happen to be cousins (My brothers always informed me that if I had a baby with my cousin Allison it would be born with its thumb stuck to its nose). As it turns out Micki and Ryan are only cousins by marriage, which means they can pretty much knock themselves out and not have any mutant babies. (As it turns out though, they have much more pressing concerns, what with all them cursed antiques they have to wrangle.)
REASON #13: WE BOTH SAY…
THE THEME SONG
Mickster and I agree that the theme song rules in all sorts of ways, check it out below…
Rob Zombie's Broadcast News
ROB ZOMBIE's HALLOWEEN remake and its sequel may leave horror fans divided, but it seems most are in agreement that MR. ZOMBIE should not be handed the reigns of a proposed retelling of the 1987 JAMES L. BROOKS rom-com classic BROADCAST NEWS. Although a dream cast including the usual ZOMBIE co-horts has been locked in place for months, an early leaked script has much of the loyal BROADCAST NEWS fanbase (who refer to themselves as "Broadbanders") up in arms…
I know it's fun. I like fun. It's just not the f*cking news.
I am beginning to repel people I'm trying to f*cking lay.
Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more f*ckable?
"It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you are the smartest person in the room."
"No, it f*cking sucks."
I would give anything if you were two people so that I could f*cking call up the one who's my friend and tell her about the one I want to f*cking screw.
I like you as much as I can like anyone who thinks I'm a mother f*cking douchebag.
There was a rhythm we got into. It made me want to purge my snork.
"What do you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?"
"Eat shit and die."
"I can f*cking sing while I read. I am singing and f*cking reading… both!"
"Six years from now, I'll be back here with my wife and two kids. And I'll see you, and one of my kids will say "Daddy, who is that?" And I'll say, it's not nice to point at the fat whore."
NOTE: Kindertrauma apologizes for the use of blue language in the above report (personally we prefer the term "round heel" over "whore"), but we believe it was necessary in order to bring you the most accurate representation of the key instances in which MR. ZOMBIE's script differs from that of the original. In no way should it be inferred that Kindertrauma and its affiliates condone the use of such words. Due to our strong personal convictions, we wish to also point out that this post in no way endorses a belief in the occult.
Future-trauma:: Where The Wild Things Are
UNK SEZ: I usually feel sorry for kids today who missed growing up with all the cool stuff from the '70s and '80s that some of us did. Watching this trailer for WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE though, makes me feel suddenly jealous of them. I wish I had the chance to see this movie as a kid! Would this movie have freaked me out a bit? Maybe, but probably not as much as THE WIZARD OF OZ.
Name That Trauma:: Peter of Horrors Not Dead On Ice Cave Wolfman
UNK SEZ:: Hey kids, we just got this in from our pal Peter from the great website HORRORS NOT DEAD. Me and A.J. are stumped, but I have a feeling one of you guys might know the answer…
Dear Robotrip of Horror Blogs,
I thought I had made this movie up, but someone corroborated its existence earlier today. I only have one reference point: A black and white movie with the wolf man inside an ice cave?
Any ideas?
Future-Trauma:: Frayed
Your Unkle Lancifer is getting very excited about seeing FRAYED which will be released on DVD August 25th. FRAYED has been getting some excellent reviews and word of mouth and just check out its trailer; a psychotic kid who becomes a crazed clown? How kindertraumatic is that? We're going to try to get our hands on a screener A.S.A.P. so we can tell you more, but in the meantime, watch the clip below. It looks like an old school, suspense driven, straight forward slasher; sign me up!
NOTE: You can visit the official website for FRAYED right HERE!
Kindertrauma Funhouse
Friday again! Here are ten random images from ten random horror movies. How many can you identify?
Trauma-Shots :: Flash Gordon
I had to write something about 1980s FLASH GORDON eventually; it's not the first movie that comes to mind when you think about childhood traumas, but when has that ever stopped us before? Thankfully, I was able to justify this post when I came across a thread on IMDb concerning FLASH's more troubling scenes and the effect they had on young viewers. That was all the incentive I needed but truth be known, I would have come around to the topic of FLASH at some point anyway, on account of it being the most beautiful movie ever made.
Quote me on that. I'm unashamed. It has been nearly thirty years since I first saw FLASH GORDON in the movie theater and miraculously it still gives me compulsory goose bumps. To this day, It still melts my heart like a summer popsicle with its gosh-golly outdated optimism and unhip exuberance.
Did I just hear somebody say "corny"?
Yep it's true, FLASH GORDON is just chuck full of corny ideas, like the one about the disenfranchised putting aside their differences in order to topple an oppressive dictator and the one about how art not only has the power to nurture the human spirit but also armor it (at least that's what I got out of Zarkoff's reciting of Beatles lyrics in order to stop from having his brain emptied "like a pocket" by dominatrix Kala)
Then there is the hokey idea that someone might sacrifice themselves for the greater good just cause it's the right thing to do, and who can forget the kooky idea that true love has the power to make a guy choose gal next door MELODY ANDERSON over gal next galaxy ORNELLA MUTI?
FLASH GORDON shows us an upside down dimension where old birds are given second chances, enemies are transformed into allies and folks cheer you on from the sidelines (go Flash go!) a place where "keeping your word" is a point of pride ("It's what makes us better than you.") Silly ideas all, in this day and age, but in FLASH's universe, these are absolute no-brainers.
At this point in time when heroes need to be conflicted and broody to be made more accessible or appear more "adult", FLASH continues (in this version anyway), to stand as a pure spirit undaunted by the shackles of cynicism and misanthropy, a messiah who has no problem deciphering the difference between good and evil and no dilemma about which to choose. (In other words, BATMAN why the hell ARE you so freakin' serious?) Don't get me wrong kids, I dig my dark but man cannot live by bread alone…think of the carbs.
O.K. I know I've been gushing a bit but that's enthusiasm folks, doesn't it smell like cotton candy? We're really supposed to be talking about the scary side of FLASH GORDON and there is plenty to choose from. If you push back the lava lamp clouds we got a flick with some big love for skull masks and a fetishistic soft spot for military uniforms, gas chambers, incestuous voyeuristic torture and…yikes, bore worms! Without further ado, here's some trauma-shots of FLASH GORDON!
House of Voices
After finally seeing PASCAL LAUGIER's MARTYRS I had to check out his earlier work. I soon discovered that his debut feature film SAINT ANGE was released on DVD as HOUSE OF VOICES and that it was readily available. Slipping the disc into the player I felt a tinge of excitement at the prospect of having no idea of what was in store for me. My first surprise as I began watching the film was the slow realization that I had actually seen it before. This wasn't an "Oh, crap!" type of recognition, but more of confusing state of déjà vu (how French!). Why have I completely forgotten about this film? If I recalled correctly, I kinda sort of dug it.
Well, I dug the beginning anyway, because midway through I realized I was in uncharted territory. Something had stopped me from finishing this movie the first time I saw it. Did I fall asleep? Was I distracted by a phone call? Did a fire alarm go off? If I went by the consensus of IMDb commenters then I must have fallen asleep. Most of those who cared to review HOUSE OF VOICES sum up the experience as being "boring." Well, I don't know if I'd go that far, although its tone, dreamy, ethereal and sometimes frustratingly ambiguous does have a rather drowsy effect and its pacing well, let's just say it's more turtle than hare.
If you have seen JUAN ANTONIO BAYONA's THE ORPHANAGE or JUAME BALAGUERO's FRAGILE (both of which were released after H.O.V.) then you have a general idea of what kind of food they serve in this restaurant. It's set in the olden timey days and the big monster building centerpiece is really just a blown up model/map of the neurotic heroine's booby-trapped mind. Like a Victorian ghost story it is more concerned with creating an uncanny atmosphere that subtly unsettles than clobbering the viewer with blasts of the grotesque. If you dig vague, vapory ghost tales this is your jam, if you dig giant robots that turn into cars bring a noose.
Which is not to say that HOUSE does not have a few well-timed jolts. The opening scene in particular had me nervously loosening an invisible tie that I don't wear. What really separates HOUSE from the two Spanish language films I mentioned is that much like he did in MARTYRS, director LAUGIER throws a cinematic curve ball toward the end that seems cut and pasted from another film entirely. The director has stated that he was inspired by the thought of making an unofficial sequel to LUCIO FULCI's THE BEYOND, an awesome idea, even though it comes across more like a mash up of JANE EYRE and CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND.
It is clear after watching both LAUGLER films that this is a director who refuses to spoon feed his audience (and is strangely fearful of subterranean science labs), just as in MARTYRS, HOUSE OF VOICES leaves much open to interpretation. It is an incredibly gorgeous looking film as well, which I have to admit, for me, goes an embarrassingly long way. I don't think I'd recommend this movie to the casual viewer, but if you are a fan of slow burners about crazy people running away from their own self-devouring heads, or if you love saying; "What the, huh?" as the film credits roll or even if you're just curious about LAUGIER's pre-MARTYRS work, I say give it a try. Maybe just have a cup of joe first.
