NOTE: Learn more about PLANTS VS. ZOMBIES over HERE
Author: unkle lancifer
Kindertrauma Funhouse!
Little is known about Mother Nature besides the fact that she is bonkers for butter, hates to be corrected and will jam a lightening bolt up your backside if you cross her. Many films have been made depicting her infamous fury and relentless grudge against mankind. Below are ten random images from ten such films. How many can you correctly identify?
Traumafessions :: Reader Ralphus on the Darkside of Debbie Harry
As a boy watching TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE, I couldn't help being envious of young MATTHEW LAWRENCE. To me, his involvement as the prisoner of DEBORAH HARRY seemed both terrorizing and titillating. DEBBIE is calm and cool, caging this boy and getting ready to cook him for dinner. Meanwhile, the middle LAWRENCE child desperately reads stories from this book in an attempt to distract her, and hopefully keep himself off the menu. My point being that at a young age, I found myself completely attracted to Chef DEBBIE's dominance over little MATTHEW. Even though it would have been terrifying, I always wished that I could switch places and be that boy in the cage, while the Blonde One pre-heated the oven, as well as my libido. Was I the only youngster to be turned on by this scenario? I still think TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE holds up today as a great and scary film, and my fantasies of being Ms. HARRY's little pet to be devoured have never gone away. Eat to that beat!
UNK SEZ: Ralphus, I second your love of DEBBIE but maybe not the cage thing so much. Did you know that currently you can watch TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE on the Youtubes starting HERE? Plus, check out this traumafession on the movie's segment THE CAT FROM HELL right around over HERE!
An American Werewolf in London
I suppose it was only a matter of time until a remake was announced for 1981s AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON. It's only one of the best horror films ever made so I'm sort of surprised it took them this long. (I guess its lackluster 1997 "sequel" AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS probably slowed things down.) All I know is that no matter how good the remake might end up, it will never have the atomic bomb effect on me that the original did. You see, that crazy movie had the nerve to land smack dab in the middle of a horror movie that was happening in my own life: a horror movie called "puberty". Although that time period is far, far in the rear view mirror, AMERICAN WEREWOLF will always bring to my mind the fear of losing control of my body and the confusing rush of energy that made me kind of like it.
I realize that the interwebs are the ultimate mixed company, so I'll spare you the gruesome details and keep my paws on the table at all times. The sad, dreary, basic truth is that JOHN LANDIS' lycanthropic opus pushed sweet innocent me off a cliff and I have not seen that poor creature since. Up until then adulthood was a destination that I thought was cater made for unimaginative rubes. The prospect of jumping on the coffin conveyer belt did not appeal to me in the slightest. You could pitch fame and fortune to me until the cows came home; I did not care; I wanted to be alone with my STAR WARS figurines. The shower scene in AMERICAN WEREWOLF between DAVID NAUGHTON and JENNY AGUTTER changed all that; this mortal coil now had my full attention. Sure, I was still torn between which of those fine thespians to ogle, but I rightfully figured that eventually that would all come out in the wash.
Truth be told, the avalanche of early eighties body transformation movies ALL seemed to be directly speaking to my guilt ridden, yet wide-eyed and bushy-tailed libido in training wheels; CAT PEOPLE (If you touch me I'll turn into a monster!) THE HOWLING (Everybody is in on this secret except me!) THE BEAST WITHIN (My parents must never know of the creature I've become!),VIDEODROME ( Holy crap. I'm like a RICK JAMES level Super Freak!) and even JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING (A young me stands up in class, raises his hand and says, "Here!") The general that lead this dysmorphic brigade though, had to have been none other than AMERICAN WEREWOLF. Gosh, they even ventured inside a porno movie theater in that one, plus it was the first time I ever heard the term "quickie."
Putting lasciviousness aside, AMERICAN WEREWOLF successfully popped the top off of every other bottle in my six-pack as well. It scared the living daylights out of me (I still remember the spooky, at dusk, trek home after the movie.) It made me laugh my head off with sick glee (The dead woman in the movie theater smiling through bloody teeth helpfully offering, "You just put the gun to your forehead and pull the trigger!" as a way for our hero to escape his dilemma, still cracks me up), and, call me a softy, but the authentic affection shared between NAUGHTON and AGUTTER actually did seem like a worthwhile experience to shelve my action figures for. It's not the easiest thing in the world to incorporate all of these divergent elements together so smoothly but while JOHN LANDIS was kicking my ass out of childhood, he made a kick ass movie as well, one whose potency might be very hard to emulate in this day and age. Good luck remake people! You'll need it!
NOTE: It is important to note that Mr. DAVID NAUGHTON was successfully able to elbow JENNY AGUTTER out of the ogle race eventually (not that the WALKABOUT star didn't put up a good fight). What can I say? I guess was born to be a "Pepper!"
Kindertrauma Funhouse
Being dead is a hot new craze that is sweeping the nation just in time for summer! Fashion experts say it's the new being alive. Those who have partaken in the experience verify that it stops the aging process in its tracks and that dieting and acquiring wealth become immediate non issues. "Death is like a vacation that never ends," says Pam Hildenberry editor of MODERN CORPSE magazine. She adds "Life is so yesterday, as soon as I find out what the hell MICHELLE FORBES has up her sleeve on TRUE BLOOD I'm out of here."
Kindertrauma in its never ending quest to be the hippest website in the world jumps on the death bandwagon with this fresh new puzzle honoring those early upstarts who made death the cultural phenomenon it is today. Can you name these famous dead stars and the films they appeared in? You better hurry, the clock is ticking!
Traumafessions :: Reader Senski on "It's Ten O'Clock"
I don't think that anyone has addressed this trauma yet, and I'll wager that this is one that more than a few of us out there share…
"It's ten o'clock…Parents, do you know where your children are?" Since the 1960s, that's been a familiar late-night refrain from the bumper of many a local newscast. Its treatment varies with each station, some quite benign, but in Central Wisconsin in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s, the local CBS affiliate dealt with it in truly ominous fashion. They had the announcer who also did the severe weather bulletins handle the voice-over, a sepulchral "voice of doom" who stressed the "your" with dark portent. It was implied that if your kids were out there, they were up to something horrible…that is, if you heard it as a call against juvenile delinquency.
See, on my channel, it was also accompanied by a black and white title card of an over-sized clock face. Running along the bottom were ghostly silhouettes of children, no older than 10 or 12, even some toddlers among them. (I can still see the little girl in a skirt and pigtails.) This wasn't THE WILD BUNCH we had to be on the lookout for – these were happy little children who could disappear at any time…and their mommies and daddies wouldn't be able to find them! I knew of other kids in my school who refused to even step outside of the house after 10pm lest they be snatched away forever by whatever lurked outside. It was never that bad with me, but it sure made me pull the covers up a little tighter – especially on Wednesday nights, after I had just seen NIGHT GALLERY on NBC.
But that's not all. This advisory was immediately followed by a commercial, frequently a spot for a movie that was being shown at one of our five area cinemas. Since horror films were usually platformed across the country and needed local media to be sold, this was when we got to see ads for films like LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, DON'T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT, and for me the most memorable of the lot, 1973's TORSO:
Nighty-night, kiddies, huh? I can still hear my mother saying "Jeez!" as she saw that! Ten o'clock was Terror Time, just another reason why the '70s were magical for a young horror fan.
UNK SEZ: It's 10 o'clock do you know where JOAN RIVERS is? Senski, it looks like the old ten o'clock parental heebie jeebie alert is still going on to this day. Watch this bizarre oddity I caught while fishing about the YouTubes (WARNING: This video may contain trace amounts of JOELY FISHER)…
Michael Jackson :: The Good, the Bad & the Monkey
I'm really sad about this whole MICHAEL JACKSON being dead thing, but I have found some solace in the fact that it seems that everywhere I have gone in the last couple days his music is being played. I have to say, "The Way You Make Me Feel" and "Off the Wall" are a lot better than I remembered. On the other hand, the resurgence of "Dirty Diana" is really starting to get on my last nerve. I HATE that song and no amount of untimely death seems able to cure me of that distaste. The chorus alone sounds like how it must feel to have someone remove a blackhead from the tip of your nose with a rusty chisel. M.J., What were you thinking?
I know this has a questionable (or perhaps alleged) affinity with the subject of kindertrauma, but out of curiosity and an honest desire to speed along the grieving process, I ask you dear readers: What is your favorite AND least favorite tune by the King of Pop? I know talking about your least favorite song might seem like a negative way to recognize the recently departed, but if Mike has taught us anything it is that sometimes you have to take the good with the BAD (pun recognized).
So spill your guts kids. What M.J. song begrudgingly gets your toe tapping and what song still makes you want to smack an anonymous stranger over the head with a 2 X 4?
Final Destination Marathon
Do you know what traumatizes me as an adult? Thinking you know somebody and then suddenly finding out that they are an utter stranger. Case in point, I recently discovered that one Aunt John had never seen ANY of the FINAL DESTINATION films. What is that all about? Doesn't that seem like a fact that one should disclose early on in a relationship? How did this slip by me? What other cultural blind spot is he hiding? Next I'll be finding out that he has never seen CHOPPING MALL!
Luckily such a blistering personality flaw is easily repaired with a white-hot, non-stop FINAL DESTINATION MARATHON and that is exactly what took place within the cat fur carpeted halls of Kindertrauma Manor this weekend (a weekend that due to back to back tragedies in the real world, will be forever henceforth known as "THE WEEKEND OF DEATH").
You see, Aunt John simply had to be schooled in the last decade's greatest horror franchise as soon as possible, especially if I was going to drag him to FD's 3-D fourth installment this summer. The good thing was that I did not have to worry about whether or not A.J. would take a shining to the series because I knew that the disaster film elements inherent within them would be simply irresistible to him. Sure the series is sans cameos of B-grade stars like HELEN REDDY and GARY COLLINS but things blow up and they blow up real good.
I'll save you dear readers individual synopsis of each of the three films on account of they are all for the most part wonderfully the same (if it ain't broke…) At the beginning of each film a character has a vivid premonition of a disaster that kills a bunch of folks that are in the wrong place at the wrong time. That character then warns and saves a small group of these individuals from their fates. Next, "death" represented as a mostly invisible force, gets all pissed and kills them all anyway in exceedingly elaborate and devilishly gruesome ways (please give me one brownie point for not mentioning Rube "no relation to Whoopsie" Goldberg). In other words, some absolute genius out there figured out a way for you to see the same characters killed twice(!) in one horror move. What's not to love?
My favorite aspect of the series is the fact that it does not shy away from the actual horror and fear of dying. In all three films there is a palpable sense of mortality that is sadly missing from most modern horror (and especially the film's contemporaries.) Characters are required to be aware of their impending downfall and to squirm like flies in a spider web waiting for the scythe to fall. These are also films that incite a lingering paranoia within the viewer (I am always particularly careful not to walk in front of buses after having viewed the first installment.) In addition, they all inspire you to be hyper aware of "signs" and to look for double meanings within the everyday. In my opinion any movie that makes you see the world around you differently is called "art" even if it does incorporate someone almost choking on a rubber fish and sometimes involves a JOHN DENVER tune being used as a harbinger of doom.
Anywho, Aunt John did love the series all in all. We both agreed that the third and most financially successful of the group is the weakest (but still worthy) and that the best death belonged to JONATHAN CHERRY in the second film where he got spliced apart by a flying wire fence. We both cooed over KRISTEN CLOKE, gave props to ALI LARTER and laughed when that kid got flattened by a falling plate of glass. We both recognized the dude from LIVING SINGLE and balked at the duel tanning booth deaths, yet were impressed by how the tanning beds dissolved into coffins at a funeral. Gee, now that I think about it, maybe I really do know do know that Aunt John after all.
NOTE: Speaking of the KRISTEN CLOKE, the reason I carry such a torch for her is because of her stint on the second season of CHRIS CARTER's MILLENNIUM in which she co-stared opposite my hero in life LANCE HENRIKSEN. The below scene is one of the coolest things that I have ever seen on television (plus it kind of fits in with the whole "death" theme.)…
Kindertrauma Funhouse
It's Friday and time for a brand new show; KINDERTRAUMA FUNHOUSE! Can you name the movies that these distorted funhouse images came from? Hint: They have all appeared at one time or another on the pages of kindertrauma! GOOD LUCK KIDDIES!
