kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Rob Zombie's Broadcast News

Posted on By unkle lancifer

ROB ZOMBIE's HALLOWEEN remake and its sequel may leave horror fans divided, but it seems most are in agreement that MR. ZOMBIE should not be handed the reigns of a proposed retelling of the 1987 JAMES L. BROOKS rom-com classic BROADCAST NEWS. Although a dream cast including the usual ZOMBIE co-horts has been locked in place for months, an early leaked script has much of the loyal BROADCAST NEWS fanbase (who refer to themselves as "Broadbanders") up in arms…

I know it's fun. I like fun. It's just not the f*cking news.

I am beginning to repel people I'm trying to f*cking lay.

Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more f*ckable?

"It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you are the smartest person in the room."

"No, it f*cking sucks."

I would give anything if you were two people so that I could f*cking call up the one who's my friend and tell her about the one I want to f*cking screw.

I like you as much as I can like anyone who thinks I'm a mother f*cking douchebag.

There was a rhythm we got into. It made me want to purge my snork.

"What do you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?"

"Eat shit and die."

"I can f*cking sing while I read. I am singing and f*cking reading… both!"

"Six years from now, I'll be back here with my wife and two kids. And I'll see you, and one of my kids will say "Daddy, who is that?" And I'll say, it's not nice to point at the fat whore."

NOTE: Kindertrauma apologizes for the use of blue language in the above report (personally we prefer the term "round heel" over "whore"), but we believe it was necessary in order to bring you the most accurate representation of the key instances in which MR. ZOMBIE's script differs from that of the original. In no way should it be inferred that Kindertrauma and its affiliates condone the use of such words. Due to our strong personal convictions, we wish to also point out that this post in no way endorses a belief in the occult.

Future-trauma:: Where The Wild Things Are

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: I usually feel sorry for kids today who missed growing up with all the cool stuff from the '70s and '80s that some of us did. Watching this trailer for WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE though, makes me feel suddenly jealous of them. I wish I had the chance to see this movie as a kid! Would this movie have freaked me out a bit? Maybe, but probably not as much as THE WIZARD OF OZ.

Name That Trauma:: Peter of Horrors Not Dead On Ice Cave Wolfman

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ:: Hey kids, we just got this in from our pal Peter from the great website HORRORS NOT DEAD. Me and A.J. are stumped, but I have a feeling one of you guys might know the answer…

Dear Robotrip of Horror Blogs,

I thought I had made this movie up, but someone corroborated its existence earlier today. I only have one reference point: A black and white movie with the wolf man inside an ice cave?

Any ideas?

Future-Trauma:: Frayed

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Your Unkle Lancifer is getting very excited about seeing FRAYED which will be released on DVD August 25th. FRAYED has been getting some excellent reviews and word of mouth and just check out its trailer; a psychotic kid who becomes a crazed clown? How kindertraumatic is that? We're going to try to get our hands on a screener A.S.A.P. so we can tell you more, but in the meantime, watch the clip below. It looks like an old school, suspense driven, straight forward slasher; sign me up!

NOTE: You can visit the official website for FRAYED right HERE!

Trauma-Shots :: Flash Gordon

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I had to write something about 1980s FLASH GORDON eventually; it's not the first movie that comes to mind when you think about childhood traumas, but when has that ever stopped us before? Thankfully, I was able to justify this post when I came across a thread on IMDb concerning FLASH's more troubling scenes and the effect they had on young viewers. That was all the incentive I needed but truth be known, I would have come around to the topic of FLASH at some point anyway, on account of it being the most beautiful movie ever made.

Quote me on that. I'm unashamed. It has been nearly thirty years since I first saw FLASH GORDON in the movie theater and miraculously it still gives me compulsory goose bumps. To this day, It still melts my heart like a summer popsicle with its gosh-golly outdated optimism and unhip exuberance.

Did I just hear somebody say "corny"?

Yep it's true, FLASH GORDON is just chuck full of corny ideas, like the one about the disenfranchised putting aside their differences in order to topple an oppressive dictator and the one about how art not only has the power to nurture the human spirit but also armor it (at least that's what I got out of Zarkoff's reciting of Beatles lyrics in order to stop from having his brain emptied "like a pocket" by dominatrix Kala)

Then there is the hokey idea that someone might sacrifice themselves for the greater good just cause it's the right thing to do, and who can forget the kooky idea that true love has the power to make a guy choose gal next door MELODY ANDERSON over gal next galaxy ORNELLA MUTI?

FLASH GORDON shows us an upside down dimension where old birds are given second chances, enemies are transformed into allies and folks cheer you on from the sidelines (go Flash go!) a place where "keeping your word" is a point of pride ("It's what makes us better than you.") Silly ideas all, in this day and age, but in FLASH's universe, these are absolute no-brainers.

At this point in time when heroes need to be conflicted and broody to be made more accessible or appear more "adult", FLASH continues (in this version anyway), to stand as a pure spirit undaunted by the shackles of cynicism and misanthropy, a messiah who has no problem deciphering the difference between good and evil and no dilemma about which to choose. (In other words, BATMAN why the hell ARE you so freakin' serious?) Don't get me wrong kids, I dig my dark but man cannot live by bread alone…think of the carbs.

O.K. I know I've been gushing a bit but that's enthusiasm folks, doesn't it smell like cotton candy? We're really supposed to be talking about the scary side of FLASH GORDON and there is plenty to choose from. If you push back the lava lamp clouds we got a flick with some big love for skull masks and a fetishistic soft spot for military uniforms, gas chambers, incestuous voyeuristic torture and…yikes, bore worms! Without further ado, here's some trauma-shots of FLASH GORDON!

House of Voices

Posted on By unkle lancifer

After finally seeing PASCAL LAUGIER's MARTYRS I had to check out his earlier work. I soon discovered that his debut feature film SAINT ANGE was released on DVD as HOUSE OF VOICES and that it was readily available. Slipping the disc into the player I felt a tinge of excitement at the prospect of having no idea of what was in store for me. My first surprise as I began watching the film was the slow realization that I had actually seen it before. This wasn't an "Oh, crap!" type of recognition, but more of confusing state of déjà vu (how French!). Why have I completely forgotten about this film? If I recalled correctly, I kinda sort of dug it.

Well, I dug the beginning anyway, because midway through I realized I was in uncharted territory. Something had stopped me from finishing this movie the first time I saw it. Did I fall asleep? Was I distracted by a phone call? Did a fire alarm go off? If I went by the consensus of IMDb commenters then I must have fallen asleep. Most of those who cared to review HOUSE OF VOICES sum up the experience as being "boring." Well, I don't know if I'd go that far, although its tone, dreamy, ethereal and sometimes frustratingly ambiguous does have a rather drowsy effect and its pacing well, let's just say it's more turtle than hare.

If you have seen JUAN ANTONIO BAYONA's THE ORPHANAGE or JUAME BALAGUERO's FRAGILE (both of which were released after H.O.V.) then you have a general idea of what kind of food they serve in this restaurant. It's set in the olden timey days and the big monster building centerpiece is really just a blown up model/map of the neurotic heroine's booby-trapped mind. Like a Victorian ghost story it is more concerned with creating an uncanny atmosphere that subtly unsettles than clobbering the viewer with blasts of the grotesque. If you dig vague, vapory ghost tales this is your jam, if you dig giant robots that turn into cars bring a noose.

Which is not to say that HOUSE does not have a few well-timed jolts. The opening scene in particular had me nervously loosening an invisible tie that I don't wear. What really separates HOUSE from the two Spanish language films I mentioned is that much like he did in MARTYRS, director LAUGIER throws a cinematic curve ball toward the end that seems cut and pasted from another film entirely. The director has stated that he was inspired by the thought of making an unofficial sequel to LUCIO FULCI's THE BEYOND, an awesome idea, even though it comes across more like a mash up of JANE EYRE and CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND.

It is clear after watching both LAUGLER films that this is a director who refuses to spoon feed his audience (and is strangely fearful of subterranean science labs), just as in MARTYRS, HOUSE OF VOICES leaves much open to interpretation. It is an incredibly gorgeous looking film as well, which I have to admit, for me, goes an embarrassingly long way. I don't think I'd recommend this movie to the casual viewer, but if you are a fan of slow burners about crazy people running away from their own self-devouring heads, or if you love saying; "What the, huh?" as the film credits roll or even if you're just curious about LAUGIER's pre-MARTYRS work, I say give it a try. Maybe just have a cup of joe first.

The Orphan (2009)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's no secret that I love a good killer kid flick but with the exception of TOM SHANKLAND's THE CHILDREN (‘08), they have been pretty scarce of late. Kids do show up often in modern horror but for the most part, they have been hollow-eyed window dressing propped up to utter Cassandra-like warnings or just plain ineffectual, weightless ghouls. It's about damn time somebody stripped the supernatural out of the equation and introduced a killer kid who cuts through the bullshit and gets the job done. The tag line for THE ORPHAN may read "There's something wrong with Esther," but for those thirsty for a new horror icon, there's absolutely nothing wrong with Esther at all.

You might think reading this review on a website called Kindertrauma might mean that I was an easy target for THE ORPHAN and that essentially in my case, the filmmakers were preaching to the converted. There may be some truth to that, but let me say that after learning the film was being delivered by DARK CASTLE ENTERTAINMENT I was cautiously un-optimistic. DARK CASTLE has provided snippets of worthy horror but they usually have a chronic ability to screw up their films by trying way too hard. What should be a straight forward affair usually ends up a convoluted heap of kitchen sink half-thoughts resembling a late in the game KATAMARI DAMACY ball. THE ORPHAN carries little baggage besides a water cooler ready, ace up its sleeve, and it is all the better for it. God bless its adherence to the K.I.S.S. principle (Keep it simple stupid!) and its highly unfashionable patience.

Taking structural cues from domestic disturbance television flicks and early nineties usurper porn (a shout out to my peeps Peyton Flanders and Hedy Carlson!), THE ORPHAN bravely discards the typical pandering bells and whistles (AUNT JOHN SEZ: Do you mean ta-tas?) used to glamour (in the TRUE BLOOD sense) teenage boys and gets right down to some seriously trashy campadelic partying. That it is able to provide actual acting opportunities to its adult cast in the meantime is just that much more impressive. It's by no means a seamless masterpiece, and logic is not so much leaped over as jet-packed over, but there's no way around the fact that you get your money's worth here.

I don't care how much cash this baby hauls in or how many knee jerk, dismissive reviews it accumulates, even if it has to gain its reputation in the home market, I assure you that THE ORPHAN is here to stay, be it by go-to punchline, S.N.L. skit or SIMPSONS TREEHOUSE OF HORROR reference, Esther is going to wedge the heal of her Buster Browns into the public consciousness for good. Even if the general public turns their back there is no way the gays are going to drop this ball. Drag queens, practice your Russian accent, October is only a few months away!

P.S. Commit this name to your memory: ISABELLE FUHRMAN!

UPDATE: A little added incentive to go see THE ORPHAN while it's still in theaters…

Kindertrauma Funhouse

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: It's Friday and time for a brand spanking new edition of Kindertrauma Funhouse! Here are ten random images from ten horror movies, how many can YOU identify?