kindertrauma

Category: General Horror

Jaws of Satan (1981)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I have to stop listening to other people because I almost lived a life with no JAWS OF SATAN in it. A cursory scan of other folk's reactions to the film had me wrongly assuming it was just another bad movie. You know the drill, "Some movies are so bad they're good, not this one! This one is so bad, it's just bad." First of all, I'll be the judge of that and second of all, wrong. JAWS OF SATAN is not just another bad movie; it is a perfect amalgamation of everything that makes movies not good. I also find it highly entertaining and worth my time because there is never a second of it where it is not doing exactly what it shouldn't. I stand a bit amazed, here is a film that wasn't satisfied with being simply a failure of a Satan film, it had to take a crap in the animals run amuck cage too. Just think about the title for a moment, it tells you everything that you need to know.

A snake attacks a couple of men in the cargo area of a train, which naturally causes the entire train to quietly come to a halt. (Don't worry, a "train wreck" of another kind is imminent.) It's no ordinary snake because it is…Satan! The Satan snake is on a mission to kill a priest because well, priests burn brighter in hell apparently and this priest is extra special because he comes from a family of druids who kill snakes, so there's that. Maybe the less we get into that swamp the better, the point is the snake who is Satan hates the priest and wants to bite him and chase him around a graveyard. (Silly Satan, you don't have to chase priests these days, you can just sit back and they'll come to you!) I'm not sure what will happen once the snake catches the priest but in the meantime other snakes are getting rowdy and biting non-priests all over a small town in Alabama.

Thankfully Dr. Sheridan is on the case and don't assume like other people in this movie do that because I said "Dr." that I'm taking about a boy either because Dr. Sheridan is A GIRL! (Did you just spit your coffee out in shock? Sorry.) Yes, Dr. Sheridan (GRETCHEN CORBETT of LET SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH) is a new type of woman who is a professional doctor and don't you forget it! She's a real poster girl for women's lib too especially when after two people are bitten by snakes she exclaims, "It's an epidemic and I can't cope with it!" and then a snake shows up after she takes a shower and she calls a guy on the phone she just met to run over to her house to shoot it and then she breaks down crying hysterically and has to be slapped in the face before he sleeps with her and she makes him breakfast and then midway through the film for no reason whatsoever another guy on a motorcycle forces her car to the side of the road so he can make her fellate his hand gun until she is rescued by….a priest? No, a snake!

Considering the non-stop pilfering you'd think we'd end up with something that resembles a movie more than this mush but nah. We have a mayor who wants to keep the snake issue under wraps so as not to wreck the grand opening of a fancy dog racing track, a coroner who eats chicken right next to a corpse and ye old "It was only a cat!" routine. It's like a who's who of movie clichés. I don't want to complain too much about the clichés though because it's when then the movie decides to get creative that it really humps the daggit. As dumb as everything is throughout the course of the movie (the list of offences goes on and on) it's toward the end when we really fall into an almost abstract experience with weird shoehorned dubbing, people appearing in two places at once or out of nowhere and a climax that plays out like a battle between man and mop handle. Did I mention that Satan snake likes to stand straight up on his tail? Adorable much?

There's one great shot of Father Farrow (CREEPSHOW's FRITZ WEAVER) strolling past a gnarled tree but most of the film looks ho-hum which is astonishing considering the cinematographer is DEAN CUNDY who you might remember from such films as every movie I ever loved. (HALLOWEEN, THE FOG, THE THING, PSYCHO 2 etc.) Personally I'm comfortable throwing all the blame on director BOB CLAVER's lap on account of he went on to poke eyes out and scramble brains via television by directing two of the most lunatic series in the history of forever, SMALL WONDER and OUT OF THIS WORLD. Besides being hilarious as hell, one of the other things going for JAWS OF SATAN is that it marks the debut of CHRISTINA APPLEGATE as a tyke who gets locked in a closet with a snake at a dog race opening. Aw, how can you not like APPLEGATE after growing up with her as Kelly Bundy? Her real life mother NANCY PRIDDY even portrays her mom in the film. PRIDDY is apparently responsible for a well regarded psychedelic folk album and sang back up for LEONARD COHEN!

All in all, this movie does deliver on the bad movie front in spades. There's always something perplexing going on and the snake-eye view cemetery chase is an absolute ridiculous must see. This movie ssssssssucks but if you have a taste for terrible, you really couldn't beat it with a stick.

The Hunger (1983)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I totally relate to Miriam Blaylock (CATHERINE DENEUVE) in THE HUNGER. How many times has someone told me that they will love me "forever" only to transform into something resembling the contents of an ashtray a mere 200 years later? Speaking of ashtrays, if you're trying to quit smoking (or Venetian blinds for that matter) I advise you stay well away from TONY (brother to ALIEN mega-genius RIDLEY) SCOTT's neo-noir, gothadelic new wave eye-sorbet rendering of WHITLEY STRIEBER's novel of the same tag. On the other hand, if you are a fang-fan who has never stuck their teeth into this influential a-vamp-garde chic-er-than-thou milestone then take a gander in the mirror at a life half lived.

When it was released in 1983 the brain dead zombie critic chant was, "Style over substance"! Seriously, I just read a slew of reviews for this classic and nine out of ten drop the exact same go-to complaint. Lazy viewers! If a film is kind enough to ladle out the "style" then the least you can do is bring your own "substance." Just because a movie is drop dead gorgeous doesn't mean it's empty headed. C'mon, this is one of the few vamp movies that actually dives into a major source of the lasting power of the undead mythos, the universal fear of mortality and liver spots. If you want to say it kind of falls apart at the end, I'll back you up on that but time has proven that this baby's bite leaves a legit mark.

As much as I'll admit that the films final chapter is a tinge too dry and flaky (blame the crunchy past-love corpses!) THE HUNGER's divinely aggressive opening is one of the most fantastic and instantly enthralling I can think of, so let's not be greedy. If you are not instantly snookered by BAUHAUS' severely apropos BELA LUGOSI'S DEAD then you too must be a dried husk in a coffin waiting for oblivion to commence and that's coming from somebody with no black clothing in his wardrobe. It's not just the song itself, but the way the film thunders back and forth between the tune, the titles and the revving action and synth-sorcerous sounds of the film… OK, I admit I used to play this opening bit on VHS over and over again and now every beat of it is branded into my brain…

Much slobbery attention has been given to the semi-sappy Sapphic love scene between CATHERINE DENEVUE and SUSAN SARANDON and it is attention well earned. Anyone can present a cinematic montage that pushes the validity of a homosexual union but this assemblage of images presses the feared superiority of one. Y'all can keep your FROM HERE TO ETERNITY and the sand in the cracks it implies; if you're not hearing "lakme" while you're sealing the deal you're doing it wrong. I know it's "artsy fartsy" and therefore threatening to knuckle draggers and mouth breathers everywhere but it's also lusciously transcendent. I say kick RICHARD GERE off the fire escape, if any genre is brave enough to venture into the romantically sublime, my money will always be on horror and THE HUNGER is my proof that I'm backing the right pony.

Personally my pet favorite scene involves noted gender annihilator DAVID BOWIE enacting an episode from everybody's life in a doctor's waiting room. Realizing the old gray mare just ain't what she used to be and she ain't what she used to be at an alarming rate, he seeks out the advice of accelerated decrepitude specialist Dr. Sarah Roberts (SARANDON…and yes that was a BLADE RUNNER shout out! He ain't heavy, he's my RIDLEY!). Magazines are their usual zero help as the clock ticks and he is hit over and over again on the head with DICK SMITH's famous LITTLE BIG MAN stick. The set up is excruciatingly familiar yet horrifically exaggerated and there's a vaguely comic, "It's funny because it's true" element as well. Oh TONY SCOTT you were so very good when you tried to replicate your brother RIDLEY! I usually recommend that artists find their own voice but in your case I'll make an exception. (OK, that wasn't necessary,, but it will surprise no one that I have no use for TOP GUN.)

I love THE HUNGER, smoky SCOTT-isms and RIDLEY-aping aside, it ultimately stands as its own sleek beast. It may loose some steam in its final lap but as it is only too happy to point out, don't we all. I have an inkling that it might be dated but as my head exists in 1982, it is actually one year in the future for me. There's style to burn for sure but behind the non-stop artifice and unlikely attic doves, I contend there's plenty of existential gristle to gnaw on and a time to pay the piper addiction parable too. Just because this sculpture wasn't carved with axe blows don't underestimate the boiled down bleakness to be found bubbling beneath the polished surface. Oldster BOWIE's bloodletting of a trusting, young gum-smacking sidekick is alarmingly vicious and disturbing and, conscious or not, the films screeching death-throe lab monkeys and post-tryst, flesh betrayal must have squeezed lemon juice on the then fresh rug-burn knowledge that cupid could carry a scythe. THE HUNGER is only speaking of the fleetingness of human life after all. Don't be fooled by a pretty face.

Screamtime (1986)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

There's something wrong with me. I'm starting to put the pieces together and it doesn't look good. Me and Aunt John were both under the weather so we decided to indulge ourselves by watching a "Premium" movie via On-Demand. Yes, we felt so sick that shelling out six dollars to watch a movie was the only way we could think of to feel better. We decided on INCEPTION because how can you go wrong with fancy eye-popping special effects and a near unanimous approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes?

About half an hour into INCEPTION I realized that I do not experience things necessarily the same way others do. Maybe it was because I was sick but I began to notice that I thought INCEPTION was the most annoying thing in the world. If you love INCEPTION don't get mad at me. I'm not saying you are wrong, in fact, most of the world is in agreement with your assessment, it's just that for me I'd rather eat a bag of pennies than ever experience it again. I swear I tried, I really tried but the voice in my head said "no."

The voice in my head sounds like the result of an unholy union between Jan Brady and Gollum from LORD OF THE RINGS. It will not be ignored. Throughout INCEPTION it kept asking questions that I had no answers for. "Why do these characters explain everything before they do it?" "Didn't I just see DiCAPRIO playing a man who is kept from his cherubic children by a "crazy" wife in SHUTTER ISLAND?" "When JUNO does that VANNA WHITE thing in front of a scale model during a montage is that meant to indicate her knowledge of said model?" "Did the same person cast this as BUGSY MALONE?" "Why does this feel like I'm playing the video game SYPHON FILTER with someone who is bogarting the joystick?" "Are there any special effects in this that I did NOT see in the trailer?" and so forth.

All in all I did not enjoy INCEPTION unless you count the part where it ceased. John (who did enjoy it somewhat) went to bed and so I decided to watch the anthology horror SCREAMTIME to cleanse my mental palette and here is the weird thing, the thing that makes me think there is something wrong with me. It turns out that for all intents and purposes something in my soul informs me that I think SCREAMTIME is a way better movie than INCEPTION. I know it's not right but there it is; a simple fact that I can't deny. I know I'm comparing Apple Jacks and Orange Julius but just go with it. I've gone too far to turn back now.

Truth told SCREAMTIME, which is barely a movie as it consists of three independently made shorts encased in the flimsiest of wraparound stories ever created, has several elements that no billion dollar budgeted Hollywood movie could ever compete with and those elements would be…

A scene that takes place in an ‘80s video store. No special effect could ever compete with the jaw droppy wonder of this incredible sight….

A Punch puppet that beats people who deserve it with a wooden plank.

This weird lady.

A scary killer guy who I actually find scary.

And most incredibly an army of garden gnomes that come alive and then are played by little people who attack characters by jumping on their backs.

And also these old ladies.

So really it's not much of a competition INCEPTION. The only thing close to a garden gnome that you have to offer is JUNO and that just won't do on account of she doesn't wear suspenders. So maybe there actually is something wrong with me. Somehow I was born into a universe where most of the population believes the opposite of what I know to be true. In my mind SCREAMTIME (which, by the by, is available for free on Netflix streaming) is ten times more entertaining than INCEPTION could ever hope to be. There I said it. I am fully prepared for further ostracizing than I already receive. As long as deadly garden gnomes encircle me, I am impervious to scorn.

The Boy Who Cried Werewolf (1973)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Aw, c'mon how's a person supposed to not enjoy THE BOY WHO CRIED WEREWOLF? You'd have to be quite the Smurf kicking curmudgeon. Yes, the werewolf wears a turtleneck but decapitations, even if enacted off-screen, have to count for something. This 1973 PG-rated affair was the last film directed by NATHAN JURAN (ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT WOMAN) and although it's about as menacing as a bag of pink marshmallows, it's a clever enough kiddie telling of the werewolf mythos and you don't have to scratch too hard to sense heavier themes beneath the surface obstinate as ingrown hairs. For a film directed toward the younger set it refreshingly resists dunking its paw in sugar coating. Little Richie Bridgestone's parents are getting a very un-Brady-like divorce and although Richie loves his dad, he's thinking it might be a good idea to snitch on pop for frequently turning into a savage monster and pushing occupied vehicles off of cliffs. The movie says, "Werewolf"; I smell gin.

I'm not sure where this thing was filmed but the locations will probably look familiar to anyone who watched television in the seventies. I think most of us grew up in the haunts shown even if only via boob tube portal. There are some nice subtle references to UNIVERSAL studios more famous lycanthrope movie in the form of Dad's trusty cane and with this being set in 1973, somebody cleverly transformed 1941's THE WOLFMAN's resident gypsies into hippies. The band of hippies really liven the movie and their love power is even shown to have a detrimental effect on the werewolf curse. Now that's just adorable. Man, I wish I could have been a hippie but by the time I was old enough to join their ranks, everybody had already figured out that humans were hopelessly awful….dratz!

Another very cool thing about this movie is that it was released in a double feature with SSSSSSS. One thing that I've learned while working here at Kindertrauma is that there are exactly seven S's in that title, so I don't even have to look it up. Apparently it was the last double feature UNIVERSAL ever did and I missed it by being a stupid baby. THE BOY WHO CRIED WEREWOLF is not available in any format for some unknown reason, so I caught up to it on YouTube sporting Spanish subtitles. That means I got to learn a little extra Spanish while I watched and you can ask me what "Hombre Lobo" means and I'll have the answer.

Like THE GATE or MONSTER SQUAD I think this movie makes a great horror starter kit for monster fans in training wheels. The transformation scenes are stagnantly old school but the resulting make up effects courtesy of TOM BURMAN are not bad at all (all turtlenecks considered.) I guess some will only see a campy howler here but the SHINING-esque parent-paranoia element does have some bite and it at least it takes its whiny protagonists dilemma seriously. If you can look beyond its corncob datedness (Dad dropped Mom for being a career gal!) it makes a fine companion piece to 1996's BAD MOON. You don't have to be a kid to enjoy this one but like most things in life, it'll probably help. Adios amigos!

Mansion of the Doomed (1976)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

While reading up on LANCE HENRIKSEN for our VISITOR post, I noticed he was in a horror film from 1976 called MANSION OF THE DOOMED. I might not have given it a second thought but the film also featured GLORIA GRAHAME and VIC TAYBACK who both appeared in 1971's BLOOD AND LACE which I now love. Happily I found MANSION on YouTube and so I attached my speakers to the computer, turned off all the lights and got to viewing. The quality of the image was not the best, but sometimes I need a little gritty fiber in my eyeball diet and we all know that films from the seventies look swell dressed in scratches and un-mastered rags. My head is a car and the laptop is the drive-in.

MANSION is like a Grindhouse EYES WITHOUT A FACE. RICHARD BASEHART (‘77s ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU) plays Dr. Leonard Chaney who, due to shitty driving, causes his daughter Nancy to lose her eyesight. Feeling like a schmuck he decides with the help of his loyal wife Katherine (GRAHAME) to drug his daughter's fiancé (HENRIKSEN), surgically remove his eyeballs, stick them in his daughter's head and then keep the poor eyeless guy locked in a cell in the basement. The new peeper plan works out super for a while but then fails, so Chaney tries again with another victim and then another. The basement begins to fill with eyeless prisoners and his daughter's face begins to look like Scrapple and everybody gets trapped in an unhealthy eyeball operation loop because the Doctor refuses to abide by the laws of his profession. "First, do no harm" and "Second, do no drugging, eye theft and prisoner keeping"!

For a film not spoken of often, MANSION has a notable pedigree. It's the first horror film produced by CHARLES BAND and it was directed by character actor MICHAEL PATAKI who would direct the RAINBEAUX (LEMORA) SMITH semi-musical, soft-core flick CINDERELLA the same year. The score comes courtesy of ROBERT O. RAGLAND (ABBY, GRIZZLY) and the special and rather convincing absent eyeball effects were done by none other than a STAN (ALIENS, PUMPKINHEAD) WINSTON. The cinematographer was ANDREW DAVIS who went on to direct THE FINAL TERROR among others. I know trivia does not a worthwhile film make, but yay to the film that feeds my IMDb addiction.

Sadly, there's not much particularly striking here on a visual level unless you include the mansion's cobalt blue shag rug. There's one neat shot that represents a crystallized memory of the Doctor's as a floating pinhole image but much of the direction is too perfunctory. In addition, I don't think the film did a very good job convincing me of its reality, but then again I spent a lot of time worrying about where all of the prisoners who are trapped in a ten-foot by ten-foot cage were going to the bathroom. On the storytelling front, the film cheats a lot and hopes that you don't notice and what happened to TAYBACK? He shows up, acts suspicious and never comes into play again. These issues curb my affection but I have to offer some amount of applause to MANSION simply for being consistently grim and unapologetically gruesome. One scene of an eyeless woman stumbling about suburbia begging for aid to zero avail is still lodged in my brain, menially shot though it may be.

There's something here about a rich man callously exploiting more and more unfortunate classes to diminishing returns but it's not examined as much as it could be. I did find myself intrigued though by the doctor's ability to perform such evil deeds whilst always maintaining his view of himself as an honorable man… ain't that always the way? Eventually I had to come to terms with the fact that MANSION was a bit too shuffling and coarse to compete with BLOOD AND LACE in my heart but that does not disqualify it as a similarly underrated treasure in the cult oddity department. Maybe there are a handful of opportunities regrettably ignored but they certainly were not avoided due to timidity. Perhaps my expectations were unfair. It's unlikely I was meant to "enjoy" my experience and I have to admit that I find myself having a hard time scraping MANSION from my psyche which alone is a mark of success. In any case, I'm thankful having stopped by the joint if for nothing more than its inclusion of what has to be one of the most kindertraumatic lines of dialogue ever spoken… "Hey, this isn't the way to Disneyland!"

The Town That Dreaded Sundown

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Director CHARLES B. PIERCE, who happily spoiled some slumber in my youth with ‘72s THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK, is also responsible for sibling pseudo-documentary THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN. I have to give praise to PIERCE, he did so much with so little and his influence on horror films directly or indirectly is mucho grande. I sometimes wish that TOWN was more traditionally structured than it is, but who is to say how much of its hemming and hawing contributes to the segments that auspiciously burn? I'll be honest with you, my brain has a slight tendency to fog and twiddle its mini brain-thumbs when subjected to police procedurals and this movie spends a smidge too much time with the men in uniform for my taste, but when it indulges the weird workings of its "Phantom Killer," it hits a raw primal nerve. Horror fans weaned on the actions of silent, masked eighties killers may find the scares here borderline commonplace but I pity the poor souls who saw this one in a drive-in in 1976. What a ride home that must have been.

TOWN is loosely based on the true story of the "Moonlight Killer" who murdered five people and scared the crap out of countless more in Texarkana, Arkansas circa 1946. Although the film isn't a slave to the facts it presents itself as a documentary with a voice over and a statement that only the names have been changed. Ingeniously the film breaks from its doc-identity whenever the hell it pleases and it's almost like having someone telling you a story and then pushing you into the room where it is currently taking place.

PIERCE tends to walk an indirect line and I'm not sure if all of the film's multiple back and forth tonal changes work for me. The director himself, in the role of patrolman "Sparkplug," plays foil to BEN JOHNSON's straight shooter Capt. Morales as quirky comedy relief (or perhaps to illustrate the sweet natured goodness of the town) but once you get a taste for the movie's darker talents, the levity can be distracting. In the end though, that may just be a matter of my own taste. Because it could, I'd rather that the movie just drag the viewer through the mud but I'd hate to pull a card and watch the whole house come down. As is, the film delivers when it needs to and perhaps it is its sometimes-sunny disposition that makes the moments of terror feel like such authentic invasions on everyday tranquility. Indeed PIERCE may have known exactly what he was doing. How else to explain the clever casting of perceived "girl next door" DAWN WELLS (GILLIGAN'S ISLAND's Mary Ann) as a victim? What better way to cut to the chase when visualizing the heart of a small town being attacked?

Anyway, my impetus for this post is really to point you as soon as possible to the fact that THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN is on YouTube as we speak in rather amazing looking widescreen form. Rumor has it that some nice gent grabbed a French DVD and the sound from an English language VHS tape and mashed them together to wondrous effect. T.T.D.S. has never been on DVD and the VHS edition is croppy/crappy and excessively dark in places so this may be your best shot at viewing this movie adequately. I know YouTube is not the best way to watch a movie but it's the best way to watch THIS movie right now. If you've only seen the VHS you will be impressed by the film's sharpness and the fact that PIERCE really does have a good eye for composition. Scenes previously hard to decipher are now sufficiently clear. Turn off the lights, hook up earphones or a speaker, press the "Full Screen" option on the right corner of the YouTube frame and sit back and enjoy HERE. Who knows when it'll get yanked?

Due to trauma-stalgia I think I might enjoy the swampy styling of BOGGY over DREADED but there's much to appreciate in PIERCE's later film too. Both films have that legend-being-told-over-a-fire vibe and capture a recognizable quiet night community-shared paranoia. As I said I feel this one jumps the tracks at intervals but there is an overall sense of mystery (the killer was never caught) and a wonderful lost in time rural landscape to consider too. Plus the killer, with his eye-holed sack hood looks an awful lot like one of the genres most famous horror icons…John Merrick. Ha, you thought I was going to say Jason Voorhees in F13:P2 didn't you? Curve ball!

Screams of a Winter Night

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Crudely directed, under written, poorly acted… say what you will, SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT casts a long shadow in my psyche regardless. Slinking out of Louisiana circa 1979, this micro-budgeted, PG-rated horror anthology may be amateurish in its execution but I think it exudes a strange dark aura as well. My slant may be stained by sentimentality but even as I chuckle during a re-watch at its dated hokeyness and ragged edges, behind my condescension lays a bubbling feeling of unease. This oldster caught SCREAMS in the theater at a young age and it did something more exotic than yank-scare me with the grotesque, it quietly contaminated me with the serious creeps. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the rules of horror echo the rules of real estate… location, location, location.

Plowing ahead of many a future horror film to an isolated cabin locale, SCREAMS also paves the roadway in anticipation for the type of open canvas, paint-your -own nightmare horror of THE BLAIR WITCH. Perhaps budgetary restrictions are to thank but this is a movie that shows you very little and lets your imagination do the maniacal math. The opening credits establish the schema; we are shown a black screen and hear terrors unfold with howling winds badgering in the background. Much of what we witness throughout the rest of the film is almost equally vague, elusive or inconclusive. Fittingly the tales in this anthology are not preoccupied with physical violence but spiral around the dread of insanity. Death takes a back seat to losing your mind.

Five couples hit the woods for a weekend. Gas station loitering locals (including a young WILLIAM "FRIGHT NIGHT" RAGSDALE ) do their best to shoo them off with scorn and warnings. Once snug in their crusty cabin abode the couples entertain themselves swapping stories of the uncanny. The stories get the best of them and some elemental Indian wind demon comes to pay a visit. I know it's very slight and to be honest the stories exchanged are pretty weak but they're just weird enough to bite. The first is a hoary urban legend crossed with a Bigfoot tale, the second a standard haunted house bit with an unnerving payoff involving a green light bulb (?!) and the third is an antiquated, sexual repression makes ladies bonkers riff. Still, as presented, with the cabin dwellers playing double duty performing in the vignettes, an accelerated tone of dread is subtly established. The wrap around story's conclusion, complete with whipping leaves and screams weaving into howling winds, makes for a chaotic lingering close.

Horror tends to be a lot like humor. You can claim your tastes and try to sophisticate your palate but there's a knee jerk response that bypasses the intellectual. What I really think it comes down to is identification. Why do I find BLAIR WITCH hypnotic and PARANORMAL ACTIVITY a snore? If I take a step back my best guess is that I recognize the people occupying BLAIR and the characters in P.A. may as well be holograms from another planet to me. When I went to go see SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT back in the day, I did so with a group of my older cousins and with their large glasses, plaid shirts and wonky seventies hairdos; they resembled the characters that I saw on screen to a tee. No, I did not want an iron chandelier to fall on my cousin Audrey's head like what happened to the Audrey avatar in the movie.

Another element of SCREAMS that I appreciate is the anecdotal aspect and the way it understands how a well-spun tale can alter the air in the room. My father was (and is) a great storyteller who could leave you hanging on his every word and he took some joy in freaking me and my brothers and cousins out with his nutzo ghost yarns. Even as an adult I am hyper aware of the way a group of people can whip themselves into a paranoid froth exchanging ghost, U.F.O. or local mugging and crime stories. You get to the point where you are afraid to walk home or if you are home, you might find yourself having to watch a sitcom to settle down to Earth before you hit the sack. Oh, I love that feeling. As I've gotten older I've become more likely to change the subject and whistle past the graveyard thinking, "If we keep talking this way, it'll happen to us! We're attracting disaster! We're next!" That's what I think this movie captures that I love, frumpily tacked together though it may be, it ensnarls that weird feeling you get when you've freaked yourself out over nothing…

SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT has sadly never materialized on DVD and I'm thinking most VHS copies have probably found permanent homes. Luckily it is available on the YouTubes as we speak but for who knows how long. Stand warned though, this bargain basement production is a gritty watch and its PG-scares are more implied than all up in your grill. On the other hand if you have an inclination towards seventies era drive-in fare and can look past the cracks in the plaster, it warrants a dipping. I can't guarantee you'll feel the same unease that I did way back when (not to mention two days ago) but maybe it will bring back to your mind a scary story of your own.

Unk's Favorite Horror Towns

Posted on By unkle lancifer

In the not so distant past your Unk, along with his fellow Pennsylvania pal CHRISTINE HADDEN of FASCINATION WITH FEAR, created a couple of conjoined twin posts together. The first concerned our FAVORITE HORROR HOMES and the second explored our LEAST FAVORITE HORROR HOMES. Both were Internet sensations that resulted in mass suicides across the globe and heavily censored high-profile films. Now we're back with our 3-D third installment, duel listings of our FAVORITE HORROR TOWNS because YOU did not specifically ask us not to!

So below are my TOP TEN FAVORITE HORROR TOWNS. If you don't see your favorite town there then that means I either don't feel the same as you, do feel the same as you but totally forgot that I do or CHRISTINE has it listed over at her place. See, we went out of our way not to have duplicate towns for the sake of your entertainment and now don't you feel like a heel? Check out Christine's list HERE. If you still feel your favorite town has been neglected then by all means leave a comment. Let me warn you though, I did not include ELM STREET's SPRINGWOOD on purpose just because I'm still mad about that last movie stinking like a crab dip litter box.

10. SILENT HILL

I guess nobody would want to actually spend too much time in SILENT HILL due to all the triangle head monsters, faceless killer health care professionals and worst of all, swarming cucarachas but hey, at least you get a warning alarm before they appear. I know the place is run down and falling apart, but I'm all about the shabby chic and let's hear it for snow considerate enough to look pretty but not stick around. It's like the whole town is a giant haunted house with streets for hallways. Hey, except for that considerate snow thing, it sounds kinda like Philly!

9. GREEN TOWN (SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES)

If I had my way it would be autumn all year round and what better place to spend a crisp fall day then in the town featured in this RAY BRADBURY classic. Maybe the 1983 movie directed by JACK CLAYTON (THE INNOCENTS) pales in comparison to the novel but can the novel boast an appearance by PAM GRIER? I think not. Perhaps your Unkle Lancifer was born in the wrong time, I'd rather deal with armies of tarantulas in my bedroom than people yacking on cell phones any day of the week. Yeah, I know it looks boring but that's what tall dark transient carnies are for. By the by, Green Town, Illinois is featured in two other BRADBURY works, "Dandelion Wine" and "Farewell Summer." I admit it, I never read those two but doesn't that just give me something to look forward to in my twilight years?

8. HOBB'S END (IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS)

Fictional fiction author Sutter Cane's fictional New England town can be said to be located at the crossroads between STEPHEN KING's Castle Rock and H.P. LOVECRAFT's Dunwich. Named after a fictional London underground transport station featured in 1967's QUARTERMASS AND THE PIT (which altered the moniker from "Hobb's Lane" a fictional street prominent in the 1958 television serial of the same name) Hobb's owes just as much of its existence to frequent CARPENTER inspiration NIGEL KNEALE. It's interesting to note that "Hob" was once one of the Devil's many call signs. Fictional or not, I dig any town with a covered bridge dimensional doorway.

7. SALEM'S LOT

Speaking of our old pal STEPHEN KING, one of his many great creations is the town of Jerusalem's Lot, Salem's lot for short. (If you prefer "Salem" to "Jerusalem" thank the publisher's marketing concerns.) You can visit this unfortunate town via KING's novel (or through 2 short stories featured in NIGHT SHIFT), TOBE HOOPER's 1979 mini-series, the RUTGUER HAUER featuring 2004 miniseries or even the 1995 radio play found HERE. I don't care how you go there, just go there. KING himself, at one point, admitted that it was his favorite of his works and if I thought about it for a while I'd probably agree with him. Also, if you like vampires, there is at least one vampire in this town.

6. BODEGA BAY (THE BIRDS)

DAPHNE (REBECCA, DON'T LOOK NOW) du MAURIER's original short story took place in a British coastal town but ALFRED HITCHCOCK placed his telling smack in the muddle of the non-fictional Bodega Bay in California. In fact the only element HITCH retained from du MAURIER's story is those kooky ornery birds. HITCH's choice is what lands the classic here as what a scenic spot he chose, even if many of the scenes in THE BIRDS are in fact shot on UNIVERSAL sets. The famous (and rumored haunted) schoolhouse shown in the film to be within running distance of the bay actually exists miles away. Bodega Bay has also made in appearance in THE GOONIES, PUPPET MASTER and a little something called THE FOG but more squawking on that film later.

5. KINGSTON FALLS (GREMLINS)

I love this little compact town even though it has the fakest looking snow I've ever seen and is merely a Universal back lot fated to appear soon after in BACK TO THE FUTURE. (There sure is a preference for small towns in this compilation; I must be trying to tell myself something.) Kingston Falls seems like a place where everybody knows everybody and the jewel in its crown has got to be Dorry's Tavern (which was included in our "Best Horror Watering holes" found HERE!) I think the only minus to this burg is the witchy asshole known as Mrs. Deagle (POLLY "FLO" HOLIDAY) but a faulty stair elevator seems to have cleared up that miserable problem.

4. SANTA MIRA (INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS/HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH)

Everything is perfect in the fictional town of Santa Mira, California and you can thank mind controlling aliens and clockwork replicants for that. Whether it's the landing pad for pod people or the home to a Stonehenge tripped booby trap Halloween mask novelty company, Santa Mira is a town like no other. So what if you have to give up your personal identity, think of the peace and quiet!

3. VALENTINE'S BLUFF/ HARMONY (MY BLOODY VALENTINE)

Maybe FOOTLOOSE's KEVIN BACON would have a hard time in the dance forbidding mining town of Valentine's Bluff found in the 1980 slasher MY BLOODY VALENTINE but as I'm loath to do a jig and chuck confetti anyway, I'm thinking I'd fit right in. How could I say no to a town with such a hospitable and accommodating laundromat like Mabel's? The town was renamed and relocated into the dance neutral Pennsylvanian mining town of "Harmony" for the 2009 remake and truth be told, I like it just about the same. Harmony may not be quit as charming as Valentine's Bluff but it makes up for that by being home to that crapilly built bridge that THE MOTHMAN is always trying to warn everybody about.

2. POTTER'S BLUFF (DEAD AND BURIED)

This place covers all of my bases. It's small, it's coastal, it's lost in time and it's inhabited by zombified weirdoes. It's the perfect storm of all of my wants and desires in regards to cinematic towns. Also FLASH GORDON's MELODY ANDERSON lives there. I'm packing my bags as we speak. DEAD AND BURIED was filmed in Mendocino, California; other notable films filmed there include CUJO, THE HOWLING and HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP.

1. ANTONIO BAY (THE FOG)

Let's face it, Antonio Bay is the coolest fictional town on Earth. Sure the town's ancestors murdered lepers in the name of prosperity, stole their gold and then strangely just hid the gold in a church wall anyway. If you want omelets in your future, you better be ready to trick some eggs into smashing their boats into some rocks. Many towns were actually used within the course of the film to represent ANTONIO BAY but I'm most interested in Point Reyes, California, the home of Stevie Wayne's radio station lighthouse. I want to have my ashes dumped from the top of that lighthouse! Not the ashes of my cremated body but the ashes of my set-on-fire copy of the 2005 remake of THE FOG.

EXTRA BONUS TOWN! SUNNYDALE (BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER)

I did my whole list concentrating on movies and books and forgot that I could include television shows as well. I don't want to bump Antonio Bay out of the spotlight, but I'm thinking perhaps I should for the fictional town of Sunnydale from BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. After all, over seven seasons Sunnydale exists in 144 episodes and that's not even counting novelizations and comic books. Quite an achievement if ya think about it, Sunnydale was destroyed in the last episode of BUFFY but remember it exists on in all those earlier installments. If you've never visited, you should.

So that wraps it up. Don't forget to let CHRISTINE take you on a tour of her favorite towns HERE and let us know if there are any other horror towns you'd like to visit!

Madhouse (1981)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I think 1981's MADHOUSE (a.k.a THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, a.k.a AND WHEN SHE WAS BAD) tastes like horror movie comfort food. I don't know if it's good but it's always been good to me. I don't need or want every horror film to be a blasting, rousing shower of fear; sometimes I just want to sink into a nice tub of lukewarm creepy. MADHOUSE makes me ardently nostalgic even though we never crossed paths in my youth as I was fated to discover it decades after its release in a pile of used tapes in a second hand store. I drug it home thinking it might work as a shrug-off, time waster but from its vivid opening credits (complete with an eerie sing-song rhyme) I found myself strangely ensnarled. Corny, melodramatic and outmoded at birth, it's easy to understand why this one has eluded much fan-boy recognition. On the other hand, it's smartly shot, atmospheric and unaffectedly eccentric. MADHOUSE is an out of touch weirdo and it may not have the chops or desire for spotlight attention but I've always gravitated to quiet loners anyway. Half mass though it may fly; I spy a freak flag billowing.

One of MADHOUSE's greatest charms is its lead TRISH EVERLY who christened this her one and only film. As a teenager I read many a horror paperback and I have to say the heroines who I conjured in my head always looked like TRISH even though I was unaware of her existence at the time. What a shame she never went on to other films; I feel like her character Julia Sullivan is the type that we just don't get to see enough of anymore. She's an un-hip, unassuming altruist (she teaches deaf children) and she's a bit of a doormat/pincushion to her horrifically scarred, witch cackling sadistic "twin" sister Mary (ALLISON BIGGERS). Yes, Julia is living the dream as a functioning adult with fantastic hair, a slutty pants-optional best friend doomed to die and a stand up main squeeze with a CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC moustache. Just because she relies on her man to save her ass doesn't mean she won't hack a person's back into hamburger meat with an ax when given a reasonable opportunity. Everyone may think Julia is letting her imagination get the best of her, but time will show that she has a valid reason to suspect her sibling of siccing a Rottweiler to chomp on her favorite pupil. I love Julia Sullivan and I wish she would invite me over to her wicker and fern heavy apartment.

AN ASIDE: It doesn't hurt that Julia's pad exists within an incredible Georgian mansion. I Googled this shit up and learned that MADHOUSE was filmed in a real joint called "The Kehoe House" which is now an Inn rumored to be haunted (by twin ghosts no less.) Incredibly none other than JOE NAMATH owned the joint from 1980 to 1989 and he tried but failed to transform it into a disco. Don't feel bad for Broadway Joe though, it turned out to be a highly lucrative investment. Aw, I love that JOE even when he was a lascivious drunk on live television. He was so swank on THE BRADY BUNCH.

Although filmed in the States, MADHOUSE is an Italian production directed and written by OVIDIO G. ASSONITIS. OVIE may not be the best director in the world but as the man responsible for TENTACLES and BEYOND THE DOOR, he has brought more joy into my world than many a celebrated director ever has. Telltale Italian sensibilities are all present and accounted for. Appreciation for color, shadow and inventive angles abound and God bless whoever rented the wind machine to shove the foliage about. (Attention all directors: if you are too cheap to spring for a wind machine get the crew to shake branches outside the window. Wind is very important for setting a mood for me.) In the end MADHOUSE may be little more than an old, dark house flick hugging on a lady-in-peril with family-issues movie but that's just fine by this guy. Some movies simply exist to shove me in a canon and shoot me to my happy zone. This semi ridiculous bruiser does so every time.

Believe me I'm not blind to MADHOUSE's quirks and foibles. I know it's not without its awkward tics. Some of the stalking scenes drag and some of the supporting players need to look up "supporting" in the dictionary and take it down a notch and the death by Rottweiler bit does become repetitive. Truth told, some of the killer canine set pieces, thanks to slack puppy-puppetry, feel more like TRIUMPH THE INSULT DOG sketches gone awry, but expertly hung Christmas lights and a party attended by corpses tends to salve my wounds.

Many have pointed out that MADHOUSE's climax resembles that of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, and I can only touch my nose and point in agreement. Both films came out around the same time so it's nearly impossible that one cribbed off the other, but the similarities are uncanny. Besides the dead birthday party guests and the rampant sibling rivalry present, both films carry a verbatim line, "Take a good long look!" I blame the collective unconscious and synchronicity myself as those pimps are always up to something. In a way, the two films are mismatched battling twinsies from the same litter themselves and I have no problem awarding both Snausages.

MADHOUSE's greatest notoriety may come thanks to a questionable inclusion on Britain's famed "Video Nasty" list. Out of all the films listed it may deserve inclusion the least. I've always found it more GASLIGHT than ghastly, but a recent uncut edition from CODE RED does kick the blood and violence up a notch. More importantly, I can now view this pet pleasure in widescreen, which compliments it like an enamored groupie. The darks are darker, the Christmas tree lights blink a little brighter and miniscule details just pour out of the walls. Now if I could only switch RIZ (CANIBAL HOLOCAUST) ORTOLANI's score to something more sweeping and appropriate rather than randomly blippy.

As is, MADHOUSE hits the spot for me. It doesn't have the wild youthful energy of some of its contemporaries but instead accentuates a comparatively brooding, more classical stance that scratches a certain itch. Yes, I just used the word "classical" to describe a movie that features a power drill being inserted into a dog puppets head. I guess you can thank TRISH EVERLY for that.

Flashback (2000)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Do you remember about a decade ago when I was working at a video store and I was in charge of the buying and I was ordering every post-SCREAM slasher revival flick that came down the pike even though most of them were beyond terrible? Neither do I, but the journal that I wrote whilst wearing a monocle says that it happened. The other night while rummaging through the furthest reaches of Netflix streaming I spotted a film from that sour time period that I actually liked. It's called FLASHBACK and it's from Germany and I recommend it with only a half dozen or so caveats. I feel it's my duty because the cover art is abominable and is sure to repel any potential advocates.

First of all, this endorsement is for slasher fans only. If you're not a slasher fan you might as well keep walking; nothing to see here. Clichés abound so your enjoyment level probably depends on how much you embrace certain tropes. Secondly, the Netflix streaming version (unlike the DVD) only presents the film dubbed and oh, what a dub it is. Personally I can get into bad dubbing. I find it sort of amusing and strange and think it can add a weird surreal cartoon tone to things. Yeah, it makes the film harder to take seriously but it adds a goofy fun element too. The dubbed version of FLASHBACK is particularly ridiculous and clumsy and may be the absolute corniest found this side of THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY, but I say lean into the turns and get down with the sickness.

Let's get to some of the good stuff. I like the slick but not too slick way this film was shot and it's setting in the Austrian Alps is postcard glorious; as routine as some of the action is, the location and the novel atmosphere are worth the trip. Another big bonus is the multitude of kills which are deliciously bloody and darkly humorous in an almost HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME type of way. A sickle ala CURTAINS is deftly put to use for most of them, but an assortment of more unusual tools and devices are utilized too. The bloodshed is fierce but funny, leaning on slapstick rather than mean-spiritedness. You will also find ELKE (BARON BLOOD, LISA AND THE DEVIL) SOMMER lurking around the premises and that can only be a good thing. Dubbed or not, ELKE is ELKE.

I'm unashamed of digging the plot, which is as rickety and boiler plate as they come. A psychopath in ladies garb is murdering people. As a child, Jeanette watches her parents murdered by the killer during an URBAN LEGEND-influenced home invasion. She spends ten years in a mental hospital under close scrutiny of a psychiatrist smelling of red herring and is released to tutor French to a trio of tech savvy spoiled siblings. People get slaughtered left and right and the list of suspects is tenfold. Has the killer returned or is Jeanette bonkers? As mundane as this all may sound FLASHBACK does offer a few semi-unpredictable twists and turns. Nobody needed the bungling cops accompanied by flip musical cues in HALLOWEEN 5 and they certainly don't need them here, but they are a small price to pay to see a sickle wedged in a head and body parts flying out of a snow blower.

Perhaps some of the reason FLASHBACK is better than you'd expect is because it stemmed from an original idea from HAMMER mainstay JIMMY SANGSTER (THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, THE NANNY, WHO SLEW AUTIE ROO?) although it's obviously been filtered through and influenced by the aforementioned SCREAM-machine as well. Like I stated though, I enjoy this jaunt scads more than most of the other wannabes littering video shelves early last decade. It's got yummy gore, a devil may care disposition, jaw dropping scenery and ELKE SOMMER after all. I suggest slasher fans check it out and why not give it a bit of a leg up with some inebriation to boot. It won't change your world but it might change your night and as awkward as the dubbing is, like many wretched and unnecessary annoyances in life, you do get used to it. You might even end up like me and learn to love it.