Not unlike 9-1-1, AFI (The American Film Institute) is a joke. Yeah, you heard that right, a joke, and a really unfunny joke like the one about six being afraid of seven. Although they thought to include such non-popular, non-relevant genres like “Sports” and “Courtroom Dramas” on their DUMB LIST, for some reason they neglected our most favorite genre of all. And no, it’s not horror. We’re all for the ostracizing of horror films, the last thing we want is for horror movies to go mainstream; we’re talking about… wheelchair movies!!! (The inclusion of REAR WINDOW in their suspiciously WATCHER IN THE WOODS free mystery list simply does not suffice!) We can overlook their bizarre, borderline flippant, spurious assessments of cinema (Girl at video store: “Let’s travel to the magic fantasy world of GROUNDHOG DAY!” Boy at video store: “No. I’m in the mood for a sweeping, globetrotting epic like SHINDLER’S LIST!”), but the smug oversight of making their choices blatantly handicap inaccessible must be corrected at once! We here at Kindertrauma neither have the time nor the will power to right all the wrongs in the world (so please stop asking), but as far as this glaring error in judgment goes, we are more than handicapable.
First Up: The Honorable Mentions…
SCARY MOVIE 2
Although we were hesitant to include a Wayans Brothers’ comedy on our list (WHITE CHICKS, anyone?), we can’t deny the hypnotic power of dueling wheelchairs, especially when one is captained by DAVID CROSS and the other, a ghostly RICHARD MOLL!
As this AMICUS anthology aptly illustrates. Being in a wheelchair sometimes makes you vulnerable to sneaky attacks by lil’ miniature robot dudes!
The kooky anatomy doll that goes by the name of “PIN” (short for Pinocchio, natch) is known to take a load off of his plastic feet and travel by wheelchair occasionally.
Now, fasten your seat belts, it’s time for…
THE TOP TEN WHEELCHAIR MOVIES!!!!
For people who are not used to it, being in a wheelchair can really suck the big one, but as far as consolations go you can’t beat lil monkey Ella, look at that face! She can dance, make breakfast, kill your mom and she’ll even make out with you! You’d have to be bananas not to love her!
9. THE ATTIC
Some haters would say feigning the need for a wheelchair in order to make someone your own personal servant is diabolical. I say I just got a new role model!
8. THE CHANGELING
The always-unwelcome TRISH VAN DEVERE is once again chased out of someone’s home with the threat of bodily harm. This time however it is by a possessed wheelchair that drives itself!! Take a hint TRISH and get lost!
7. SILVER BULLET
This hot rod inspired wheelchair makes that old timey busted up wicker model from the THE CHANGELING look even more like a piece of crap. Thanks Uncle Red, you’re the best raging alcoholic we know!
6. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
Have you ever felt great sympathy for a person who is confined to a wheelchair? Meet Frank and say goodbye to those feelings forever. Here’s a guy that will actually have you routing for a family of Texan cannibals… that’s right we said Texan. With his non-stop whining and fussing, Franky boy may be the most unlikable portrayal of a handicapped person since that girl from DIFF’RENT STROKES who called everybody, “Turkey!”
5. NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS
A kid in a wheelchair dreams that he can walk again. It should be a time to celebrate except that America’s favorite child molester Freddy Krueger is such a douche that he makes a super evil wheelchair to run the nerd down! Next, using the dream world rules, the kid turns himself into a fanciful wizard complete with the magical power to die in an embarrassing costume.
4. THE PIT
A hostage to kindness and the wheels beneath her, Mrs. Oliphant wrongly thinks Jamie Benjamin is going to do her a solid when he offers to push her chair. Instead he dumps her and her wheels into a pit of bloodthirsty Neanderthal monsters!
3. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?
Every dining experience is drive-thru when you’re stuck in a wheelchair. Too bad chef Baby Jane serves dead birds as appetizers and the main course is rat!
2. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2
Finally a movie that depicts the reality that being in a wheelchair is the ultimate babe magnet. This poor guy was just about to get laid, but in true FRIDAY fashion he instead got a machete lodged in his face and propelled backwards down a flight of stairs during a lightning storm. Harsh I know, but that’s what makes it the best kill ever!
1. MAC AND ME
The makers of this E.T. rip off did not have the dough to pull off a fantastic “flying your bicycle past a full moon with your alien buddy” scene, so they settled for the next best thing by shoving a dummy into a wheelchair and throwing it off a cliff. It’s sorta similar if you ignore the whole opposite direction thing. What, your heart doesn’t explode with the wonder of life and the beauty of friendship when you look at this image? What is wrong with you people?!