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Kinder-News :: Righting the Wrongs of the AFI

June 23rd, 2008 by unkle lancifer · 11 Comments

Not unlike 9-1-1, AFI (The American Film Institute) is a joke. Yeah, you heard that right, a joke, and a really unfunny joke like the one about six being afraid of seven. Although they thought to include such non-popular, non-relevant genres like “Sports” and “Courtroom Dramas” on their DUMB LIST, for some reason they neglected our most favorite genre of all. And no, it’s not horror. We’re all for the ostracizing of horror films, the last thing we want is for horror movies to go mainstream; we’re talking about… wheelchair movies!!! (The inclusion of REAR WINDOW in their suspiciously WATCHER IN THE WOODS free mystery list simply does not suffice!) We can overlook their bizarre, borderline flippant, spurious assessments of cinema (Girl at video store: “Let’s travel to the magic fantasy world of GROUNDHOG DAY!” Boy at video store: “No. I’m in the mood for a sweeping, globetrotting epic like SHINDLER’S LIST!”), but the smug oversight of making their choices blatantly handicap inaccessible must be corrected at once! We here at Kindertrauma neither have the time nor the will power to right all the wrongs in the world (so please stop asking), but as far as this glaring error in judgment goes, we are more than handicapable.


First Up: The Honorable Mentions…
SCARY MOVIE 2

Although we were hesitant to include a Wayans Brothers’ comedy on our list (WHITE CHICKS, anyone?), we can’t deny the hypnotic power of dueling wheelchairs, especially when one is captained by DAVID CROSS and the other, a ghostly RICHARD MOLL!

ASYLUM

As this AMICUS anthology aptly illustrates. Being in a wheelchair sometimes makes you vulnerable to sneaky attacks by lil’ miniature robot dudes!

PIN

The kooky anatomy doll that goes by the name of “PIN” (short for Pinocchio, natch) is known to take a load off of his plastic feet and travel by wheelchair occasionally.

Now, fasten your seat belts, it’s time for…

THE TOP TEN WHEELCHAIR MOVIES!!!!

10. MONKEYSHINES


For people who are not used to it, being in a wheelchair can really suck the big one, but as far as consolations go you can’t beat lil monkey Ella, look at that face! She can dance, make breakfast, kill your mom and she’ll even make out with you! You’d have to be bananas not to love her!

9. THE ATTIC

Some haters would say feigning the need for a wheelchair in order to make someone your own personal servant is diabolical. I say I just got a new role model!

8. THE CHANGELING

The always-unwelcome TRISH VAN DEVERE is once again chased out of someone’s home with the threat of bodily harm. This time however it is by a possessed wheelchair that drives itself!! Take a hint TRISH and get lost!

7. SILVER BULLET

This hot rod inspired wheelchair makes that old timey busted up wicker model from the THE CHANGELING look even more like a piece of crap. Thanks Uncle Red, you’re the best raging alcoholic we know!

6. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Have you ever felt great sympathy for a person who is confined to a wheelchair? Meet Frank and say goodbye to those feelings forever. Here’s a guy that will actually have you routing for a family of Texan cannibals… that’s right we said Texan. With his non-stop whining and fussing, Franky boy may be the most unlikable portrayal of a handicapped person since that girl from DIFF’RENT STROKES who called everybody, “Turkey!”

5. NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS

A kid in a wheelchair dreams that he can walk again. It should be a time to celebrate except that America’s favorite child molester Freddy Krueger is such a douche that he makes a super evil wheelchair to run the nerd down! Next, using the dream world rules, the kid turns himself into a fanciful wizard complete with the magical power to die in an embarrassing costume.

4. THE PIT

A hostage to kindness and the wheels beneath her, Mrs. Oliphant wrongly thinks Jamie Benjamin is going to do her a solid when he offers to push her chair. Instead he dumps her and her wheels into a pit of bloodthirsty Neanderthal monsters!

3. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?

Every dining experience is drive-thru when you’re stuck in a wheelchair. Too bad chef Baby Jane serves dead birds as appetizers and the main course is rat!

2. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2

Finally a movie that depicts the reality that being in a wheelchair is the ultimate babe magnet. This poor guy was just about to get laid, but in true FRIDAY fashion he instead got a machete lodged in his face and propelled backwards down a flight of stairs during a lightning storm. Harsh I know, but that’s what makes it the best kill ever!

1. MAC AND ME

The makers of this E.T. rip off did not have the dough to pull off a fantastic “flying your bicycle past a full moon with your alien buddy” scene, so they settled for the next best thing by shoving a dummy into a wheelchair and throwing it off a cliff. It’s sorta similar if you ignore the whole opposite direction thing. What, your heart doesn’t explode with the wonder of life and the beauty of friendship when you look at this image? What is wrong with you people?!

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mamamiasweetpeaches
12 years ago

BRAVO! Nobody does these lists better than you guys (you should make a book of ’em, I’d be first in line to buy it!)

I’ve seen all these movies and love them all (well, maybe not MAC AND ME…….)

mickster
mickster
12 years ago

Oh good, so I shouldn’t feel bad that I was anxiously awaiting Frank’s demise in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. He was just so darned annoying!
I agree with MAMAMIASWEETPEACHES. The countdown lists on Kindertrauma are always entertaining. Keep up the good work!

mamamiasweetpeaches
12 years ago

We had a little poll on the IMDB Horror Board awhile back about which person in a Horro movie we actually ENJOYED watching get killed cuz we felt they DESERVED it: TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE’s Franklin won by a landslide!!!

I’m not even that big a TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE fan…..but I’d watch it again and again just to see that obnoxious f*ck get iced!

* Wasn’t there a SEINFELD episode about everyone being nice to the “poor handicapped guy” only to find out the guy was a total jerk? Yeah, wonder where Jerry and The Gang got THAT idea (They’ve obviously seen TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE)!

IrvingWallace
IrvingWallace
12 years ago

you are forgetting Stepfather 3!! the most 90’s kid to be in a wheelchair ever.

IrvingWallace
IrvingWallace
12 years ago

and Phenomena, Gremlins-stair chair flyin granny!, dead silence, and creepshow!

IrvingWallace
IrvingWallace
12 years ago

great list guys, sry i thot of a couple more good ones. Misery and Visiting Hours!
this is weird, because my mom just broke her foot and is now in a wheelchair for a lil while, lol.

IrvingWallace
IrvingWallace
12 years ago

ah yeah! i forgot about hellroller!

VicarOfVHS
12 years ago

<i>Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!</i> has a wonderful wheelchair-bound bad guy. Plus, it’s fulla loot, and explodes at the end in a shower of green! WHERE IS THE LOVE?

(Great list, as usual Traumites!)

MystMoonstruck
MystMoonstruck
11 years ago

What about maniac Tommy Udo (Richard Widmark in his film debut) shoving elderly, wheelchair-bound lady (Mildred Dunnock) down those stairs to her doom in “Kiss of Death” (1947)? Now, THAT deserves be in the Top 10 wheelchair movies! It’s not a lengthy scene, but Jack Burton (Kurt Russell) takes a wild backwards wheelchair ride in “Big Trouble in Little China”. Also, the villainous David Lo Pan (James Hong), while in his earthly body, must use a wheelchair. Then, there’s terror-stricken Eleanor Parker in “Eye of the Cat” (1969), including the moment when her wheelchair motor burns out while she’s at the top of a very steep hill. Or, is my imagination running away with me? It’s been at least 30+ years since I’ve seen this film, but I recall the beautiful redhaired lady in the wheelchair, with her houseful of cats. (I’m a redhead, and I LOVE cats!) Christopher Reeve is wheelchair-bound in the TV remake of “Rear Window” (1998). But, prior to actually needing one in real life, he played a cop crippled in the line of duty who gets revenge against his cheating wife and brother in “Above Suspicion” (1995). Another one I didn’t see on the list but might have missed is “Scream of Fear!” aka “Taste of Fear” (1961), in which Susan Strasberg is haunted by the sight of her father’s corpse appearing in and about the house. Still another is the old woman in “Homicidal” (1961) who raps a doorknob against the arm of her wheelchair in an effort to communicate. She also rides a chairlift, descending in an eerie manner at one point: She stops, but her head does not!