Name That Trauma:: The Youngest Hewitt on Failed Experiment Girlfriends

Greetings fellow Traumatized Tots!

I’m going to start this off in pretty much the same way others have, by gushing over this amazing, informative, and truely entertaining site. It really helps to know that I’m not the only one who suffered through childhood (misery loves company and all that Jazz). While browsing through the numerous Name That Trauma!s I was reminded of a particularly nasty memory of what I’m pretty sure was some kind of freaky short film on TV. It was the 80’s. Of this I am positive.

The plot involved a guy who intended on creating a girlfriend for himself with some kind of weird chemical (I think it was pink colored, but that’s not important). Anyway, he was flipping through some swimsuit magazines and picked a girl he liked and then dropped the weird goo on the girl’s image. Poof! She comes to life! Only there was one problem… her lower half was still stuck in the magazine. I could actually feel the color drain from my face as this creepy half-girl started reaching for the guy and begging him to kiss her. Then she melted or something. The guy made a second attempt and poured the girlfriend formula over another sexy chick and Poof! Another horrible disaster. This second girlfriend was GIGANTIC and took up the entire room! Once again she begged him to kiss her and in my little child brain I just knew that if he tried she would suck him into her jumbo lips like a piece of gum and start chewing. Then she melted too.

Thank God! But this guy clearly didn’t learn his lesson and tries a third time. Poof! Experimental Girlfriend #3 arrives. She was beautiful with a perfect body and long, lucious hair. I wanted to look like her when I grew up… until she moved the hair out of face… which looked like chewed up roadkill. I was rooted to the chair with terror! This reject from a Tales From the Crypt comic didn’t beg to be kissed like the others but demanded it and even started choking the poor guy! But mercifully she melts away, too. I just knew that this would be his last attempt to make a girlfriend. I was wrong. A fourth attempt was made. This one… turned out just fine. The only problem was she kissed a different guy and left the building with him instead of the poor mad (stupid) scientist. Oh well. At least he didn’t get eaten.

What happened toward the end is kinda fuzzy but I seem to remember the girl-making goo falling on a picture of some weird… cartoon vegetable creature… I have no idea. By that time I started to wander off to check under the beds for giants, mutilated half-torsos, and hideous faced monsters that would kill you if you didn’t kiss their slimy, dripping lips.

Please help me find this weird little TV nightmare so that I can finally face my demons!

– The Youngest Hewitt

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BenRolf (@benrolf)
9 years ago

That would be the “Amazing Stories” episode “Miscalculation”, with Jon Cryer.

John Gholson
John Gholson (@fb39607023)
9 years ago

It’s an episode of AMAZING STORIES, “Miscalculation.”

Here’s the whole thing:

Apocalypsejunkie (@apocalypsejunkie)
9 years ago

Duckie, the 80’s, sigh………………………….

I swear I was expecting to hear, “just let your soooouuuuuul glow, just let it shine”, rip in the store.

Taylor (@joshacid37)
9 years ago

I had the same terrified reaction to seeing Miscalculation when it aired…My brother and I only made as far as the giant woman before we freaked out and turned it off.

Seeing it all the way through years later I understood it to actually be intended to be a funny episode, but at 7 years old I guess you interpret weirdness as threatening no matter what.

James Capuchin
James Capuchin (@fb1456663246)
9 years ago

Funny you mention TV, nightmare, and face. Penelope Sudrow, the girl who had her head (face) smashed in the TV set in Nightmare on Elm Street 3, has a small part in this.

fmunoz (@fmunoz)
9 years ago

Two of the actresses in this episode were coincidentally later murdered in real life Hollywood: Rebecca Schaeffer in 1989 and Lana Clarkson in 2003. Schaeffer played one of the lead character’s classmates, while Clarkson played one of the magazine pin-up models who came to life.

Eric Eddy
Eric Eddy (@fb100000792125902)
9 years ago

I went to see what was new on Netflix and today I saw that the entire series of “Amazing Stories” is now on there! Got a chuckle from “The Family Dog” at lunch time.

Hail Ants
Hail Ants (@hail-ants)
9 years ago

Since the question’s been answered, isn’t it the very beginning “Dead and Buried” that those photos are from?

Brian Katcher
Brian Katcher (@bjkatcher)
9 years ago

Honestly, I would have gladly dated the giant woman.