
If your Aunt John learned anything regarding cross-country bicycle reconnaissance missions from 1985's PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, it would be two simple things:
- There is no basement in the Alamo.
- Should you ever find yourself stranded on a deserted highway after falling off a cliff in a convertible with a mysteriously sexy prison escapee, never EVER hitch a ride in a big rig with a corpulent lady trucker who goes by the handle Large Marge.
You see, the Large Marges patrolling the interstates might seem like nice, flannel-clad Samaritans when you first climb into their rigs, but don't be fooled. Sure, they'll drive you to the next rest stop where you might hit it off with a Francophile waitress, but not before they subject you to this TRAUMATIZING tale:
On this very night…
10 years ago…
Along the same stretch of road…
In a dense fog…
Just like this…
I saw the worst accident I ever seen…
There was this sound…
Like a garbage truck!
Dropped off the Empire State Building!
And when they finally pulled the driver's body…
From the twisted… burning… wreck…
It looked like… THIS!!!!!!

Should you disregard my warning and take a such a ride, please don't introduce yourself at the next rest stop restaurant by brazenly announcing, "LARGE MARGE SENT ME!" You'll be coldly greeted by gasps and sideways stares.






















 
Oh Chris Higgins, you certainly are one of the more self-indulgent of THE FRIDAY THE 13TH final girls, aren't you? In the third installment of the franchise you get a lot of sympathy mileage not only from your long-suffering boyfriend, but also from anybody within earshot when you recall a vague incident that occurred two years prior to the events in the film. As you tell it during a double-exposure flashback, after your boyfriend dropped you off on the night in question, you got into a fight with your folks and then ran off into the woods seeking solitude. Resting under a tree, you were confronted by a disfigured man ("Almost inhuman" are your words) who you grappled with and the next thing you knew you woke up at home in bed. Then comes the part that we here at Kindertrauma have trouble with; you claim to have blacked out the sordid details of that encounter. Chris, really? You're going to use the old catchall excuse "the blackout?" Unfortunately for you Chris, Kindertrauma's scandal happy investigators were able to unearth 10 minutes of extra montage footage that was edited from the film at the last minute by Paramount. If we may be so bold Chris, it seems your problems have less to do with Mr. Voorhees and more to do with one JACK DANIELS.



