kindertrauma

Traumafessions :: Joe M. on Death Ship

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I was about 5 years old or so, and someone in our family thought it was a good idea to take a child to see the movie DEATH SHIP at the drive-in. I don't remember much of the plot, but I remember people in one boat boarding another boat (the titular "Death Ship"). Of course, all sorts of bad things happened to them. The one thing I remember QUITE VIVIDLY was the scene where a guy finds a fishing net full of skeletons…and proceeds to "fall" into it. As he struggles among the bone pile, someone or something else is lowering the fishing net…slowly, very slowly…into the water. To this day, my biggest fear is drowning at sea.

Traumafessions :: Allison E. on Legend

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I can't believe nobody has brought up LEGEND, that movie gave me nightmares for years. Was that really meant for kids? Are they kidding? It has to be the scariest movie ever made! TIM CURRY as the Lord of Darkness is bad enough, but that witch in the swamp was just unbearable! I guess my parents thought that since it was a fantasy picture with fairies in it, it must be O.K. How else can I explain them renting that for me? Thanks Mom and Dad. Hope you don't mind paying my therapy bills!

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS has tried the patience of many a zombie fan over the years with its purposely annoying cast, focus on sub-witty dialogue, and elongated build-up to a low on intestine-chomping climax. Personally, I have a soft spot for the film. I remember staying up late for it, and being truly terrified by its bizarre soundtrack, questionable reliance on slow-mo, and truly satisfying final frames. Even haters have to admit that there is a delicious CLOVERFIELD moment in this film where you just think to yourself, "I can't wait to see these people die." As a kid, I was just worried for this sad lot trapped on a potter's field island where the dead had come to life. I had no idea that they were sycophantic thespians following their douchebag director's whims, that they had pretty much begged for the outcome that occurs by mocking the dead or even that the two HECKLE AND JECKLE type henchmen were wince inducing over-the-top stereotypes of gay men. Directed by BOB CLARK whose BLACK CHRISTMAS, let's face it, begat HALLOWEEN which, let's face it, begat everything I care about on this planet, and co-written and starring ALAN ORMSBY who not only had his hand in DERANGED and 1982's CAT PEOPLE but also wrote MY BODYGUARD, C.S.P.W.D.T. is as hard to defend as it is to ignore. It may come across like a local theater production of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD with costumes provided by THE MONKEES, but there is a very real sense of being trapped and cornered that always gets to me regardless of the fact that most of the script apparently was later used to provide biting dialogue for THE ROPERS. The defiant refusal to follow a template structure really does pay off once in a while, like when the couple voted most likely to be "final" instead end up unceremoniously eaten. As obnoxious as most of the characters are, they are at least always distinguishable from each other, a rarity these days. Really, how can you not get behind a flick whose most compelling and sympathetic presence is a corpse named Orville?indelible scenes

  • The first couple false scares. I admit it I fell for them.
  • Val's (VALERIE MAMCHES) cavetch-y incantation
  • Sensitive Anya (ANYA ORMSBY) looses her shit
  • The dead finally do rise and it's impressively staged
  • Coward Alan throws Anya to the undead to save himself
  • Lovable Orville gets his just revenge!

 

    

Night Of The Creeps

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 I'll be honest with you, there's no way on earth I could be objective about a film that features both TOM ATKINS and a zombie cat. Even if this movie was utter crap, I'd still love it. Fortunately, this film is anything but. It's well known to many that NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, though not the most well-known classic, is a classic none the less. FRED DEKKER, who also helmed MONSTER SQUAD, may not have had laurels chucked at his head during the time he was actively filmmaking, but over the years, he has grown to be thought of as one of the great unheralded horror directors of the eighties. Other movies may have made more moolah, but his flicks are loved and I mean passionately. N.O.T.C. opens in outer space with midget aliens littering some tube of toxic crap upon our fair planet in 1950. After a few bars of "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" and a black and white axe murder, we zoom to the present day circa 1986. Here we touch base with every known and adored '80s teen film cliché known to man. A dork (JASON LIVELY) loves a girl with a preppy snob boyfriend and will do anything to win her attention. In this case, he'll have to do some body snatching. The body snatched is contaminated with that alien funk from the '50s, and chaos, gore, action and comedy ensues. TOM ATKINS lends a hand as a hard boiled type who has previous experience with these sluggy, zombie-creating creatures from beyond and a holster filled with brilliant, perfectly timed one-liners. (I would say that this is ATKINS best performance ever, but I'm afraid that THE FOG and HALLOWEEN 3 will beat me up after school.) Besides being host to some truly endearing characters (JILL WHITLOW dressed to the nines carrying a blowtorch, STEVE MARSHALL as a put upon pal) and highly quotable dialogue ("Thrill me!"), N.O.T.C. navigates the horror/comedy balancing act with an ease that should be studied before being attempted by others. Unlike most alleged horror/comedies, the humor is never self-deprecating or cynical and always knows its place is in line behind characterization, suspense and exploding heads.indelible scenes

  • The opening scene aliens deserve a movie of their own. So does the, "Screaming like banshees" janitor.
  • What's not to like about a movie whose main characters go to Corman University, whose last names are Romero, Carpenter-Hooper and Cronenberg, and are aided by cops Landis and Raimi? Extra-bonus points for the DICK MILLER cameo.
  • I'll be honest; there are too many indelible scenes to report. The whole second half is back-to-back incredible scenes. Even the scenes that didn't make the final cut are great. Check out an alternative and superior ending HERE.

 

  

Official Traumatot:: Pamelyn Ferdin

Posted on By unkle lancifer

    PAMELYN FERDIN was the queen of child actresses in the seventies and her credits are extensive. She lent her voice to Lucy in many a CHARLIE BROWN special, jumped onto the U.S.S. ENTERPRISE in STAR TREK and even took time out to DISS JAN'S WIG on THE BRADY BUNCH. Several of her credits fall into the horror/thriller camp. A television movie with RAY MILLAND called DAUGHTER OF THE MIND, plus theatrical titles like THE BEGUILED, THE MEPHISTO WALTZ, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HELEN?, and when she was a bit older, cult favorite THE TOOLBOX MURDERS. Her recognizability may have cost her the chance of being the ultimate horror icon though, she lost the role of Regan in THE EXORCIST when it was decided the film required an unknown. (The role went to fellow animal rights activist LINDA BLAIR) She may have missed her opportunity to vomit on a priest, but we here at Kindertrauma recognize a traumatot when we see one, so here's to you Pamela. Sorry we never got to see your head spin!

    The Mephisto Waltz

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

     It's easy to see why Satanists love the Devil so damn much. The Devil lets you do cool things like switch bodies with the young when you're getting a little long in the tooth. With a planet full of possible vessels, it is hard to believe that someone would choose Myles Clarkson (ALAN ALDA) as their new flesh-suit but, according to THE MEPHISTO WALTZ, ol' Hawkeye has some pretty awesome digits on his hands and they're just perfect for not long for this world devil worshiper/piano-man Duncan Ely (CURT JURGENS). Ely, who enjoys making out with his daughter Roxanne (BARBARA PERKINS), is kind enough to show his chosen mark an extravagantly bacchanalian lifestyle before the big switch-a-roo, all to the chagrin of Myles' suspicious wife Paula (JACQUELINE BISSET).With the aid of some blue-tinted, supernatural GALAXY GLUE, all of Ely's and his evil daughter's plans effortlessly come to fruition and the switch is made. However, the Devil does not offer services for free. Mere worship won't get you or Ely a cup of coffee, so a human sacrifice is thrown into the mix in the form of dubious ALDA-BISSETT offspring Abby (supremo seventies child actress PAMELYN FERDIN). Paula puts the pieces together thanks to her husband's newfound uncharacteristic love making skills and some recurring psychedelic dreams that barely stop short of spelling it out for her. With the members of her once happy family either very dead or floating in FREAKY FRIDAY-land, Paula decides to fight fire with fire and make her own bargain with the big guy downstairs. This NIGHT GALLERY-esque soapy gothic would have benefited from a more virile lead than ALDA, but it's more than idiosyncratic enough to keep your interest. Beware the final frame though, it will leave you hanging like a fern in a macramé plant holder!indelible scenes

    • He thinks he's people! The evil black dog puts a human mask on at the crazy New Year's "Dress As Your Favorite Animal" shin-ding!
    • Ely's evil plans include buying everything at Paula's swanky '70s boutique!
    • Note to self: Never let anyone make a plaster mask of your face!
    • "We could use a new brand of scotch. This tastes like a poor man's kilt."
    • Roxanne's ex-husband knows too much and ends up all dead at the bottom of a beach accessible staircase
    • Special shadowy guest star: Satan himself!

    Kinder-news :: Unkle Lancifer interview

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    Your own Unkle Lancifer was recently interviewed by Peter Gutierrez over at Firefox news. Those willing to peek behind the curtain here at Kindertrauma can find the interview HERE. Even if you're not particularly interested in the ramblings of yours truly, do yourself a favor and check out Peter's past articles concerning the world of horror. You won't be disappointed!

    The Demonology of Desire

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

    Love, especially young love, is a many-splendored thing. Unfortunately some of those "splendors" include a wrecking ball of absolute agony, an anvil of soul crushing confusion and for many, a bombardment of chemicals in the brain whose effects leave the victim, for all intents and purposes, clinically insane. Replacing schmaltz with gobs of gore, and purple prose with KATHY ACKER style diatribes, director RODRIGO GUDINO drags you through love's limb-strewn battlefield while always keeping one severed foot firmly planted in the horror genre. Romana (BIANCA RUSA) throws a wish out into the universe like many young girls do for love. She's wise enough to know that it is intensity, not candy and flowers that she desires. She is delivered 13-year-old Eric (TODOR PLOPEANU) whose heart basically has "kick-me" tattooed upon it. Along with Romana's best pal Sara (JEWELIA FISICO), they make an after school play-date destined to dissect the grotesque beast that romantic attraction invariably conjures. It turns out Romana and Sara are not only orchestrating a LADY IN A CAGE style home invasion in the house that they claimed to be Sarah's, but are also doing an Abu Ghraib number on an unnamable monstrosity that resides in the basement of the dwelling. Worse still, the hoops that Eric is prompted to leap through in order to prove his affections are placed just high enough to prove fatal if miscalculated. Finally, love's true nature caught on film! With a KENNETH ANGER-like raw vibrancy and a sincerity toward the anguish love spawns that recalls LUCKY MCKEE's MAY, GUDINO, along with cinematographer DEREK ROGERS, does in 22 minutes what most of those MASTERS OF HORROR episodes failed to do in twice the time. He delivers a unique vision with a distinctive voice that is, at turns, laugh out loud funny and hand wringlingly intense. Anyone who has ever nursed an infection from a poorly aimed Cupid's arrow will recognize this short film's pulsating, bloody heart. 

    For more on DEMONOLOGY OF DESIRE and RODRIGO GUDINO check out his WEBSITE and MY SPACE PAGE!  

    Traumafessions:: Reader Todd K. on The X-files "Home"

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

     

    When I was little, I was allowed to watch the X-files with the rest of my older brothers and sisters because my parents considered it a good show. Sometimes it was scary, but most of the time I had no idea what was going on. One episode that changed my life forever was called "Home" from the 4th season. I just got it on DVD. The episode is about a family of inbred mutants called the Peacocks and it scared me so bad that I spent most of the show hiding behind my older sister. The mother of the Peacock family lived under a bed, so it was easy for me to imagine her under mine after the lights went out. These days it's an on going joke in my family to say, "Don't let the Peacocks bite" before going to sleep. This was pretty funny to a friend of mine when he was staying over because he thought we were talking about the birds until I explained it to him. It turned out he was scared of that episode too.

    Grizzly

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

    Christopher George is the coolest guy who ever lived!
    Is CHRISTOPHER GEORGE the coolest guy who ever lived? There's plenty of evidence to support that theory. He had his own action figure, thanks to his stint on RAT PATROL. He was best buds with crooner JOHNNIE RAY (who was not only name dropped in the DEXYS MIDNIGHT RUNNER classic COME ON EILEEN but also inspired MORRISSEY'S hearing-aid fetish). He posed in PLAYGIRL, his niece is VANNA WHITE, he's worked along side folks as varied as JOHN WAYNE and LUCIO FULCI, and he was married to, and frequently costarred with the most beautiful woman in puppet land, LYNDA DAY GEORGE (Lucky BASTARD!). His grandest success may be his starring turn as Ranger Michael Kelly in GRIZZLY, the first film out of the gate in the animal run amuck gold rush that JAWS inspired. Bears, unlike sharks, who have unlovable ugly mugs, are kind of cute and cuddly. Even though if you met one in real life it probably would tear your face off, on screen they mostly inspire "Ahhhs" and have you wondering if you could fetch them a jar of honey. The bear in GRIZZY has this perception to work against throughout the film and the movie succeeds by alternating between adorable shots of the bear standing upright and less adorable shots of him bashing women's heads between tree trunks and decapitating innocent horses. I mean this bear is not kidding around. When our bear comes across a small albino-looking boy playing with a white rabbit in his yard, the viewer is right to assume a close call or cut away scene is on the horizon. Well not this time campers, this once PG-rated mountain of menace does not shy away from the red stuff. There's really only one man on earth that can take out a killing machine like the one described and that is our GEORGE. With a smirk, a wisecrack, a helicopter and a handy rocket launcher, he makes the woods safe again for children and bunnies everywhere. Directed by insane lunatic WILLIAM GIRDLER (DAY OF THE ANIMALS), GRIZZLY tastes like a s'mores and provides the same guilty pleasure as smearing a lightening bug into the asphalt to watch it's inwards glow.indelible scenes

    • The bear's attack on the female hikers, that crazy shack is no place to hide!
    • Not only does he kill a horse, he mauls its rider and buries him in the dirt!
    • R.I.P mother, child and bunny rabbit
    • Bear attacks the watch tower and pulverizes it and its contents
    • GEORGE's wonderfully delivered "Shit!!!"