Texas Chainsaw 3-D (2013)

Wow. Did I really just witness that? I don’t know what to say. TEXAS CHAINSAW 3-D is dumber than a sack of hammers. It’s so hilariously punch drunk that it left me giddy. I believe it’s magically moronic and if you can add numbers together, you’ll agree. I could go on and on with everything that’s ridiculously wrong with this movie but I decree today that if paid screenwriters are allowed to slack off so brazenly then certainly unpaid me can too! O.K, you and I both know that I enjoyed every shoddy second of it. It made me giggle like vandalism and I can’t help it if I have a chronic fetish for “research” scenes. The one in this movie is phenomenal in its redundancy. They cut back and forth to the final dolt reading the same information over and over again as giant random words appear on screen. It goes on forever and how am I supposed to resist that?

Sorry if that makes no sense, but I ‘m suffering from a contact high from over exposure to incomprehensibleness. Whatever. In the new world order this film is heralding, sense has no place. This movie is an insulting outrage and it’s also probably the most endearingly daffy horror sequel since FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 7: THE NEW BLOOD. Save your dignity and stay home or gather your worst friends and go observe what’s destined to become a highly quotable (“Do your thing, cuz!”, “Ladies make-up? What a fruitcake!”) camp classic. I’ll be over here cackling like a lunatic wondering if I dreamt the whole thing and counting the days until I can force poor long suffering Aunt John to watch this heap at home. Oh geez, now I know exactly how Sally felt at the end of the original film! It’s all so horrible that I can’t stop laughing. But at least I got away! Didn’t I?

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Taylor
Taylor (@joshacid37)
8 years ago

http://herocomplex.latimes.com/2013/01/03/texas-chainsaw-3d-horror-director-leatherface-abused-stunted-lethal/?_r=true

I haven’t seen the movie, but since you have: does anything the producers and director claim in this article ring true?

They say there’s a *15 minute* prologue of footage from the original movie?! In a 90 minute movie? Holy Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2. Although, if they converted that stuff to 3D, it might be interesting.

Taylor
Taylor (@joshacid37)
8 years ago

I saw it tonight, and I really didn’t hate it overall. I liked the dumb slasher of the first three quarters, but my God, by the end it’s so far off the reservation that I don’t even know what to say. But I’ll hand it to them that I never ever would have expected a Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie to end that way. I can understand the Black Christmas remake comparisons, but at least there wasn’t 40 years of sequels and remakes with varying degrees of lameness in between the Black Christmases to lower my expectations to the level they were for this one.

In the opening there’s a really quick shot of one or two guys running into the house right after the lynch mob show up…And then when they cut inside again it’s *full* of people who weren’t there the night before…It was a really weird way to go.

It was very cool to see Gunnar Hansen and Marilyn Burns in there, and of course Bill Moseley, who happens to be just about the right age to be a good facsimile of The Cook. I thought it was funny that they disregard the other sequels completely, except for using the family name and first names that were only first established in part 2.

I also like that when I googled “Jedidiah Sawyer” just now the first result was Jedidiah Sawyer Tree Service in Benton, AR.

Taylor
Taylor (@joshacid37)
8 years ago

Oh, and I almost forgot…I love that they manage to cover up the year that the original event took place — as in August 19, [garble garble something’s in the way] — because otherwise either a) the main girl would be 40 years old (ew, old people!), or b) it would take place in the late 90s so there’d be no iPhone camera scene and no current hip hop for the soundtrack album.

Ben S
Ben S (@eyesofbens)
8 years ago

I saw it last night, mostly because of your review, and totally loved every stupid minute of it. Your comparison to ’80s-lite horror movies is right on. I, too, was profoundly relieved that everything wasn’t serious and dour, and that the movie featured colors other than gray, brown, and maroon. The entire time my friend and I were saying (quietly to each other, not obnoxiously!) “Open the letter! OPEN THE LETTER!” But of course I would have enjoyed the movie 100 times less if she actually had opened the letter at a sensible time.