The Conjuring & The Long Walk

The central spine of THE CONJURING universe comes to some closure but lets not kid ourselves, this consistently lucrative horror franchise will likely outlive us all. THE CONJURING: LAST RITES is mostly a sentimental spotlight not on the real life supernatural investigators Ed & Lorraine Warren but of the indisputable chemistry between stars Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson. It’s not the best in the series (that would be part 2 imo) nor is it the worst (part 3 is decent enough, but possession via water bed is a hard sell). If you’re looking for an in-depth exploration of the famous Pennsylvania Smurf haunting you may want to stick with the (highly kindertraumatic) 1991 Sally Kirkland/Robert Mandel TV movie THE HAUNTED but then you’d be missing out on saying farewell to two of the best horror heroes to ever hit the screen. Sure, the real Warrens may have been problematic on a multitude of levels but their scrubbed up, cinematic counterparts are charming and admirable and geez, I’m going to miss them (until they inevitably pop up again).

Much like THE JETSONS, the Warrens have a daughter named Judy (currently portrayed by Mia Tomilson). After nearly dying at birth thanks to a haunted mirror, Judy has grown to be plenty psychic like her mother which leads to many a creepy vision and CGI laden hallucination. Her parents have cooled down their ghost busting thanks to Ed’s SANFORD AND SON-level heart problems and now give lectures to scoffing college students. What could get these two cooing lovebirds back into the demon occupied trenches? After a friendly priest hangs himself, daughter Judy is psychically drawn to the haunted Smurf residence and her folks begrudging assist. Eventually they learn their least favorite evil haunted mirror resides in the Smurl’s attic having somehow escaped a garbage truck and it still has an axe to grind with the Warrens’ name on it ( having been a lame communion gift to one of the Smurl daughters from her grandparents. Who gifts a severely cracked mirror?). “Based on a True Story” is pushed to extremes as the flick plays fast and loose with the so-called facts. No surprise there, but much of the interesting eccentricities of the Smurl tale are jettisoned as well. It makes sense that things are streamlined and surely elements like the poltergeist rape of Mr. Smurl could damper the proceedings but a lot of what makes the Smurl haunting memorable is rendered routine by the witting down process. I guess what I’m saying is I could have used a ghost pilgrim like the ones depicted in the aforementioned TV movie. Ghost pilgrims are scary. Instead we get sorta a cowpoke Marilyn Manson.

All in all, I did indeed enjoy THE CONJURING: LAST RITES partly because I’m bonkers for both Farmiga & Wilson and partly because I’ve endured much more aggravating “final” installments in my lifetime (looking at you FREDDY’S DEAD & HALLOWEEN ENDS). Director Michael Chaves is no James Wan but he’s a Wan approved, reasonable enough facsimile. The cinematography is rich and uses amorphous darkness to great effect and sound design is perpetually persuasive. You know what? Corny as it may sound (cue Elvis’ singing “I can’t Help Falling in Love With You”), I even got a little teary -eyed at the end which nicely high-fives earlier installments.

THE CONJURING universe offers a far-fetched fabricated reality where love and light always wins against the powers of darkness and it’s a nice break to hang in such a spiritually clear and balanced dimension even if it’s for just a little while. It may be far from accurate, but so is much of recorded human history and at least this spookshow has it’s heart in the right place. Innovation is AWOL but that’s fine by me, it sticks the landing, doesn’t rock the boat and ties up affairs snugly while always understanding the central love story is just as vital as the scares to fans of the franchise. Furthermore, because this movie takes place in 1986, I was happily subjected to the musical stylings of eighties titans THE CULT, HOWARD JONES and most importantly, ROMEO VOID. What’s not to love about that?

I was kinda dragging my feet when it came to seeing the new Stephen King adaptation (originally published under his pseudonym Richard Bachman) THE LONG WALK because although it looked intriguing, it was also giving depressing bummer vibes. Turns out yep, it is an ordeal and it is sad and there’s something extra dismal about a “dystopian” film that feels like not much of a stretch at all. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great movie that is sure to become a cult favorite in years to come that beautifully points out the possibility of humanity amidst inhumane conditions but it’s harrowing as heck especially if you are someone who is sensitive to the anguish of Judy Greer.

THE LONG WALK offers the too plausible scenario of life in America becoming so financially impossible that young men are willing to enter a contest where they could win a ton of money if they happen to be the last one standing in a trek where if you fall behind or don’t keep the pace, you’re killed. It’s sorta like Shirley Jackson’s THE LOTTERY meets THEY SHOOT HORSES, DON’T THEY? The odd thing is, as much as this horror fan lives to see people chased by chainsaws, punctured by gardening tools (not to mention shish-kebabs) and torn to shreds by aliens, I’m really not down with having to see folks shot in the head at regular intervals. It’s a lot. There’s also the horrifying element of the participants in this survival contest not being allowed proper bathroom breaks which I am pretty sure would have me tapping out super early if ever in the situation.

Director Francis (CONSTANTINE, I AM LEGEND) Lawrence does an excellent job of making sure what could have been a monotonous slog stays engaging throughout and cinematographer Jo Willems (30 DAYS OF NIGHT) beautifully captures the rustic melancholy side of the country which feels forgotten and swept under the rug. The film’s strongest suit though, is its actors. Cooper Hoffman (the late Philip Seymour’s son!) Is excellent as Raymond who throws his hat into the ring to avenge his father (Josh Hamilton) who was executed for sharing banned materials and to make life easier on his poor mom (the aforementioned and always welcome Greer). David Jonsson who recently impressed in ALIEN: ROMULUS, plays Pete, a guy whose newly formed friendship and support of Raymond is the brightest spot in this glum and pessimistic vision. Mark Hamill plays comeuppance baiting, empty platitude barking villain “The Mayor” so well that I thought he was Brian Cox until Imdb schooled me otherwise (He’s really come a long way since his breakout role in CORVETTE SUMMER)! Ultimately, THE LONG WALK is the cinematic equivalent of doom scrolling so I don’t recommend it for slumber party fun but it’s well crafted, well acted and poignant enough to easily carry the viewer past the finish line.