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Traumafession:: Bigwig on an Egg Cellar Bottle Opener

September 19th, 2019 by unkle lancifer · 4 Comments

Hey Guys,

A long time ago as a kid we used to go weekly to my grandparent’s farm on the outskirts of Amish country. There wasn’t much to do inside; the majority of the afternoon adventures came from outside work or wandering outdoors or in the barns, chicken coops, sheds or fields along with the other cousins. In fact, over the years, we wound up knowing every inch of the place. 

Anyway, of the myriad of locations, there was an inherent creepiness to the “egg cellar” which was a moist dungeon of a place underneath the farmhouse accessed only from the outside and down a steep set of stone steps. It was perpetually cool like a Spring house, always had a few inches of water in it from flooding, and had to be traversed by walking on boards that sat on cinder blocks. This was where my grandfather would check and crate eggs and temporarily store them for a day or two before being sold. It was lit by a single low watt bulb dangling unceremoniously from the cord. Real “Silence of the Lambs” stuff…. But what made it a true fright fest to us little kids was this gem of a cast iron bottle opener mounted on the side wall all by itself for no apparent reason:

Lord knows where this thing came from, or what the company who made it was trying to accomplish…. but it certainly made a scary place all the scarier.  No weeked trip to The Farm was complete without at least a brief excursion to see him….and the four-eyed image would stay in my mind at nights. 

When my grandparents passed away, and the farm was eventually sold and the farmhouse razed, I managed to extract this ugly little thing beforehand, and it lives in my house today.


Tags: Traumafessions

4 responses so far ↓

  • 1 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Sep 19, 2019 at 5:51 pm

    Thanks for this excellent real life traumafession, Bigwig! I’m so glad you were able to retrieve that awesome artifact and can keep it forever!

    This traumafession reminded me a lot of the TV movie SOMETHING EVIL (1972) and THE OTHER (also from 1972) for some reason.

    Folks, if you have a real life traumafession, make sure you send it in!

    Meanwhile… Here’s a link to SOMETHING EVIL on Youtube (its not on DVD) in case anyone has not seen it… (Directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Darren McGavin, Sandy Dennis and lil’ Johnny Whitaker- how can you go wrong?

  • 2 Thru-The-BlindsNo Gravatar // Sep 19, 2019 at 6:52 pm

    These 4-eyed cast iron bottle openers creeped me out at as well – my grandfather had one. The originals were made in the 1930’s and 1940’s, though there are still reproductions being created today. The reason for the trippy 4 eyes was advertised simply as “Seeing double, he is a warning against overindulgence in alcohol.”

  • 3 Chuckles72No Gravatar // Sep 19, 2019 at 9:06 pm

    OK, that is pretty amazing.

    Sorry that they razed the farmhouse. We need a National Creepy Places Preservation Society.

  • 4 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Sep 20, 2019 at 10:54 am

    Thru-The -Blinds,
    Wow! That’s really cool info! Now I really want one!

    Yea, that place sounds great, too bad so many of the scary joints from our youth are disappearing.

    This is an old house by my grandmother’s that used to scare me as a kid…

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