It’s that time of year again when I usually jump on a soapbox and plead with the civilized world for the banning of Mary Jane candy. Since all of my previous efforts to rid the Mary Jane scourge from trick or treat bags across the land have gone widely ignored thus far, I have chosen to take a different, more dignified path.
My imaginary friend Cloister, the three-eyed donkey often says, “Why be a negative Nellie when you can be a positive swellie?” Now, I usually don’t listen to Cloister because Cloister also says things like, “Take the money!” “Put your hand in the fire!” and “Push Aunt John off the step stool!” but this time I think Cloister has a point. Instead of talking about the Halloween candy I hate why not talk about the candy I love?
Because C3-PO would be intolerable without R2-D2 I elicited the help of the legendary and by all accounts very real Kinderpal Mickster (Check out Mickster in Halloween garb HERE!) to aid in my venture into the world of not bitching about the grossest candy ever made, the Mary Jane. Both Mickster and I both thought long and hard and picked our favorite five Halloween candies. Below you’ll find our choices and please keep them in mind when selecting what to distribute from you door this Halloween. Yo, Mickster, you’re up first!
MICKSTER’S CANDY TOP FIVE
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: Hey, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter…you got your peanut butter in my chocolate…two great tastes that taste great together! The orange packaging of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups makes me feel all warm and Halloweenie inside!
Candy corn: Whenever I see the yellow, orange, and white of candy corn, I automatically think of Halloween. Mmm-yummy sugar goodness!
Caramel Apples: Delicious and sticky caramel apples remind me of the Halloween Carnival at my elementary school. I looked forward to that carnival every year! Unfortunately, it is now called a “Fall Festival.” I say boo and hiss to that! I would never accept a caramel apple trick-r-treating because of the trauma of seeing that kid’s tongue in HALLOWEEN II.
Fun-sized candy bars: Fun-sized Snickers are simply fantastic! However, I am cautious if a hippie offers me one because of the warning given by Harris on the Tricks and Treats episode of FREAKS AND GEEKS. He warned Sam, Neil, and Bill that evil hippies were replacing fun-sized candy with chocolate-covered poop! Grody to the max!
Tootsie Pops: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop? I’ll never know because like Mr. Owl from the classic commercial, I cannot resist crunching after lick number three!
UNK’S CANDY TOP FIVE
Lemon Heads: I’ve always related to Ferrara Pan’s Lemon head candies. Like me, they are cheap as hell. Plus, I know I have a giant head even though most people avert their eyes and are polite about it. It’s O.K., I’ve accepted it, we can’t all be CHRISTOPHER GEORGE. I was once upon a time also a fan of Cherry Clan candies too but those dudes had to go away because one day everybody realized that they were racist.
Kit Kat bars: I probably sound like a commie pinko that you would like to burn at the stake but my opinion is that chocolate is no big thing. I don’t hate it or anything; I just don’t understand the crazy, Pavlovian response it usually gets from people. What’s the big deal? It is rare or something? The stuff is everywhere. I would think coconut would be more of a delicacy because you have to scrape it out of that hairy shell. Anyway, I cannot fault the Kit Kat bar as it transcends chocolate’s usual limitations with the help of that crispy wafer thing shoved inside it.
Smarties: These seem kind of like a rip off and sort of taste like chalk but they never fail to remind me of Halloween. Also, a little known fact is that they actually do make you smarter if you eat enough of them.
Sour Patch Kids: I blame all the suffering in my youth from the fact that Sour Patch Kids were not invented yet.
Bottle Caps: Bottle Caps are delicious like nobody’s frickin’ business and they taste fuzzy. Word on the street is that even people who hate root beer flavor candy enjoy root beer flavored Bottle Caps. These days it seems like they are only around during Halloween and can only be found in Willy Wonka assortment bags. I miss the classic squashed head packaging myself but I’ll take them anyway I can!
Now it’s your turn! Speak now or forever hold your peace. What is your Halloween Candy Top Five? Let us know what you like so that we’ll be sure to hand it out this Halloween!
I’m afraid all 5 of mine would be Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. They are in a class all their own. About a mile down the list comes candy corn, followed by black licorice anything – but neither of those come anywhere close to Reese’s.
5 BEST HALLOWEEN CANDIES
1. Sixlets. Classic 70s Halloween booty. True, the Sixlets were a blatant Jots ripoff, but there are only so many places in the known universe where Jots can be obtained. Also, the Sixlets were sort of the methadone of the Halloween stash. Not quite as chocolatey as M&Ms, nor as decadent as a Reese’s, but just enough of a cocoa hit to help wean you off the hard stuff, after you ran out.
2. Zotz. Because what sugar-addled child doesn’t need the additional kick of a sweetened-baking-soda-and-vinegar volcano that goes off IN YOUR MOUTH? EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
3. Peanut butter kisses – the kind in the plain orange and black wax-paper wrappers. In a past life, I was an orphan during the Depression. How do I know this? Because I hoard these. Which is totally unnecessary because no one else even wants them.
4. Almond Joy. Pure delicate sweet-tooth Nirvana. They’re not Halloweeny in the least. I don’t think they even bother with a special Halloween wrapper; when you think of Halloween, you probably don’t think of languid coconut-scented tropical breezes.
5. Reeses. ‘Nuff said.
5 WORST HALLOWEEN CANDIES
1. Apples. Usually bruised from rolling around the back of some old man’s crisper drawer. Ironically, usually not at all crispy.
2. PAL bubble gum. Listen, PAL, do us all a favor and give us pennies instead.
3. Now & Laters. Too many fillings. Too many tears. Too long to even pick the f***ing wrapper off the candy itself. Not even worth it.
4. Root beer barrels. Look, if the best you can do is dole out rejects from the candy dish on top of the giant console TV set, you might want to turn off the porch light and call it a night. We all know you hate children anyway.
5. Dum Dums. “Crap. All that’s left are these Dum Dum shards in the bottom of my plastic jack-o-lantern.”
Hershey’s Dark Chocolate mini-bars
And, as the voice of the loyal opposition, I must include:
MARY JANES. 😀
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
I loved the “Freaks & Geeks” reference, that is my 2nd favorite episode of the series.
We used to have a wealthy homeowner who handed out Fun-Dip and boxes of Everlasting Gobstoppers. Outside of those primo scores, I could subsist on Nerds and (frozen) Kit-Kats.
Please review the candy hierarchy here:
Funny, I just got home from my local CVS after getting a bag of Smarties for Sunday. Loved them as a kid and the kids love them when they are handed out.
Thanks for that link!
Why do my favs rank so low?
Bottlecaps should rank higher than Mary Janes!
Spree! Spree should be on the top!
That graph is choco-bias!
Man, they still sell candy cigarettes!
They have licorice pipes, too! I remember buying those and they were made from the grossest licorice…but, hey, you could put them in your mouth like a pipe! How could you resist?
Fun Dip (Lik-M-Aid)
Those wide Jolly Ranchers shaped like tongue depressors
Candy Corn (I like the thought of them more than the actual experience of consuming them)
Orange and Black shit in wax paper wrappers
Any kind of chewing gum (except Chicklets)
The Ugly (and awesome!):
Plastic Spider Rings
1) Skittles or Nerds
2) Gummy worms, bears, etc. but good quality stuff. Anything shaped like hamburgers or pizza, or named after a TV show or movie tastes like garbage.
3) Candy Corn
4)Mini Size Chocolate/Candy Bars – esp. Smarties (see below), Aero, Coffee Crisp, Kit Kat and Wunderbar.
5)Rockets – what you call Smarties in America are called Rockets here in Canada to avoid confusion with Smarties which are similar but far superior to your chocolate M+M’s. (Sorry, it’s true)
I second the eww to PAL bubble gum and the crap that comes in the black and orange wax paper wrapper!
I have vivid childhood Halloween memories of CLARK bars. It just seemed to me I never saw them in the delis and newstands for sale, I only came across them on Halloween night. So it was like a Once A Year Purge with those.
Im a snob now that Im old(er) and prefer the expensive GODIVA chocolate but its still hard for me to pass up
REESES PEANUT BUTTER CUPS and
PEANUT M & Ms
Some childhood faves that I really dont eat anymore were
POP ROCKS (especially the watertmelon ones)
LICK M AID (God bless the man who made that cool 3 different flavor packets envelope. One gripe though: why didnt he think to put 3 milky white edible spoons???)
SPREE Like ZOTZ (I cant believe someone brought up ZOTZ! I havent thought about those in YEARS!) they sort of have a weird effect on your tongue while you eat them)
I also wanna add some of the ones I ate as a kid that I dont think they make anymore. (I might be wrong about some of these, but damn if it doesnt seem like I havent seen a CHUNKY in a fortnight!)
CHUNKY (especially the silver ones that had raisins in there)
WACKY WAFERS (looooved these as a kid. Remember in STAND BY ME that kid said he could live off Cherry PEZ? Thats how I felt about WACKY WAFERS)
MARY JANES are The Devils Candy and he can have them!
Oh and I know its a matter of opinion on what candy is “gross” but heres my list anyway:
CANDY CORN (sooo pretty though!)
black jelly beans
and that weird carmel-wanna-be shit in the orange wrappers
we also dont want
business cards (!)
religious pamphlets that tell us we’ll burn in Hell for trick or treating!
I forgot about Wacky Wafers!!
Those were so good esp. the Banana.
I can taste it in my brain right now
These were not for Halloween but…
Looking back at the original MARY JANE thread I see I mentioned NECCO candy hearts with messages (BE MINE, I WUV U) as being a nasty candy. How could I forget those????
NECCO WAFERS in general were nasty. I had a friend who liked the chocolate ones and would go through the roll going “hate it (toss) hate it (toss) hate it (toss)” ooooh- chocolate!”(eat). Im sure those bastards at NECCO didnt care as long as they were gettin paid!
I accept your Garbage Can-dy and raise you one Mr. Bones Candy that came in a plastic coffin! Nothing like a little existential angst to go along with your sugar high.
Oh I miss that Mr. Bones! That coffin was the coolest! He used to reappear now and again but I have not seen that guy in years!
I’m English, so my top five Halloween treats would be:
4. Chocolate digestives
5. Victoria sponge
but if Satan popped up and wagged his finger at me, and said “Choose actual sweets, Rev, or I’ll do naughty things to you” I’d go with:
1. Drumsticks –> http://www.comparestoreprices.co.uk/images/unbranded/s/unbranded-sweet-drumstick-lolly-lollipop.jpg
2. Double Dip –> http://www.aquarterof.co.uk/gfx/doub0008.jpg
3. Candy necklaces –> http://www.virginmedia.com/images/candy-necklace431x300.jpg
4. Dib Dab –> http://www.virginmedia.com/images/sweets_sherbet-431×300.jpg
5. White chocolate mice –> I’m sure you can imagine what these look like 😉
Most of these things are done by http://www.swizzels-matlow.com/ who must surely have been sent by God Himself to gift the world with delicious sweets (incidentally, it looks like our Love Hearts are your Smarties – Smarties over here are like M&Ms).
1. Candy Pumpkins! Now, candy corn and candy pumpkins are the same thing… but the pumpkin tastes completely different! My mom used to get the mix of candy corn and candy pumpkins and then forget that that mix contained pumpkins due to them being gone before the container even got home. I didn’t eat them then, I just always had a cup in the car so I could steal them out so no one else could have them.
2. Reese’s Cups, both large and small. The small ones were better for sneaking into my backpack, the large ones were for eating in a decadent slowness.
3. Candy Pumpkins 2: Marshmallow-Chocolate Boogaloo… seriously, so freakin’ awesome. The Marshmallow-Chocolate pumpkins have a different flavor of Chocolate-Marshmallow Santas or Easter Bunnies. Just how Reese’s Easter eggs taste better than reese’s pumpkins. I can’t explain the difference.
4. Sixlets. Sixlets were made with carob and sugar coating. Because of the carob, my mom would let me eat them to my heart’s content. “It’s not like it’s chocolate!”, she’d say, not knowing that addiction level is still high.
5. Fun-size candy bars. I agree with Mickster on this one. They’re like little tiny indulgences of tasty yum-ness. However, I’ve still never had a snickers bar. Not even in fun-size. I have no idea what they taste like.
@HorrorCat, you must remedy this at once! Someone give HorrorCat a Snickers now!