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Streaming Alert:: Split Second (1992) is Free on HULU!

February 2nd, 2016 · 1 Comment

What the what? Last night I bumped into SPLIT SECOND (1992) on HULU and for free no less (HERE)! I was going to sit on this info until I could use it for a Sunday Streaming post but then I decided life is too short, there’s no time like the present and who the heck cares? The thing is folks, SPLIT SECOND is not available on DVD and the VHS tape probably currently looks all dried up and stinky so this is your best bet for now. Sure there are a few commercials sprinkled throughout but HULU is thankfully pretty nice about keeping them short. SPLIT SECOND is kinda like if one of those ALIEN creatures was set loose in BLADE RUNNER land except that nothing could be as awesome as what that sounds like so prepare yourself to be fairly disappointed. I have no problem telling you SPLIT SECOND should be far more engaging than it is and it looks better both on paper and in your head than it actually does on the screen but there’s still plenty enough going on to make it worth your while, I promise.

SPLIT SECOND comes from the same director as THE BURNING (TONY MAYLAM) and it stars the coolest guy who ever lived, RUTGER HAUER who is supported by such fine folks as plucky KIM CATTRALL, not-so-plucky PETE POSTLETHWAITE and the one and only slightly plucky MICHAEL J. POLLARD of TICKS and AMERICAN GOTHIC fame as “The Rat Catcher.” RUTGER plays a gruff cop who smokes a lot and laments the death of his partner while hunting down a deadly creature that is frustratingly NOT SHOWN ENOUGH in a waterlogged (due to global warming) London in the flabbergasting future world of 2008!!!!

I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m prone to appreciate a mid-budgeted sci-fi flick cuz they have enough money not to embarrass themselves but not so much that they over do everything and come off synthetic and fake. Anyway, this is just a public service announcement for those out there who were waiting to see a decent presentation of this fine enough flick. I seem to recall that when I saw it in the theater it was way too dark but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore so maybe that was due to the theater I saw it in or something in my head. Who knows? You should have been sold at RUTGER HAUER anyway. Oh, and the soundtrack, she is tops too!

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Sunday Streaming:: Castle Freak (1995)

January 17th, 2016 · No Comments

I got some good news for ya. Did you know that you could be watching STUART GORDON’s CASTLE FREAK for free on Hulu if you so desired HERE? How do you dig them apples? Now, I’ll be honest with you, this flick didn’t exactly rock my world when I first caught it back in the day. I think it’s because GORDON’S RE-ANIMATOR blew the top of my head off and then his FROM BEYOND blew the sides of my head off and then DOLLS blew the bottom of my head off and there was really no part of my head left to blow up by the time CASTLE FREAK came along. I used to think my expectations were too high but I’ve come to the realization that –duh- GORDON was going for a much more somber feel on purpose.

Anyway, these days I can appreciate CASTLE FREAK for a lot of the reasons I once gave it a shrug. CASTLE FREAK may not deliver the pulse-pounding, over-the-top excitement of GORDON’S aforementioned masterpiece trilogy but it’s absolutely dripping with gloomy gothic atmosphere and leads JEFFREY COMBS and BARBARA CRAMPTON deliver top-notch, albeit mournful, performances. It utilizes its Italian location to the fullest and it’s a great Old Dark House flick even if the old house is actually an old castle. Plus monster! Me love monster! If you haven’t seen it in a while, give it another go. NOTE: I must subtract five points for tormenting a ginger cat.

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Tags: Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert! · Sunday Streaming

Sunday Streaming :: Gargoyles (1972)

January 10th, 2016 · 3 Comments

Hey kids, I gotta plan that’s sure to cheer you up today. Let’s say we sneak on over to that SHOUT FACTORY TV joint and watch us some GARGOYLES (HERE)! It’s only one of the best TV movies ever to grace the small screen and, where I come from, it has a long history of hitting the spot on a Sunday afternoon. Heck, I could even write a traumafession on this slick flick as it always gave me an acute case of the heebie jeebies! It’s not the titular monsters so much (although they are impressively unnerving) as it is the general uncanny atmosphere. I don’t know why but the opening narration relaying the history of Satan, the multiple aerial gargoyle-eye views of pesky humans crawling about on Earth and the sinister simplicity of the perfectly captured pre-CGI, ominous slate gray skies all add up to me wanting my blanky. Plus JENNIFER SALT is in it! Unless you’ve just finished watching BRAIAN DE PALMA‘s SISTERS (1973) or a SOAP marathon (like me) there’s surely not enough SALT in your diet!

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Tags: Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert! · Sunday Streaming

Streaming Alert:: Home For The Holidays (1972)

December 24th, 2015 · 1 Comment

Hey folks, I have a lot of egg nog in my system and that means I don’t have time to play with you. DON’T EVEN call yourself a horror fan if you’ve never seen HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS…serious…DON’T EVEN. I don’t care if it tastes like medicine….you eat it anyway!!! What I do for you kids! My computer is so ancient that every sentence I write is preceded by a spinning rainbow ball! It keeps spinning and spinning! It’s making me dizzy! The simplest post is like knitting a sweater! Not that you care with your instagrams! Did I spell that right? You know what? Why don’t you put your criticisms where the monkey puts the nuts? One day your Unkle will be dead and gone like a VHS tape and you’ll be all teary-eyed and missing me never realizing that YOU ARE THE MURDERER! Glug-glug..hiccup and furthermore glug-glug Smurfs in the ceiling!!!! Ah, look at the pretty pretty lights!!!!! Happy Merry Christmas Eve. I love you!!!!

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Streaming Alert:: Monster Christmas Mash

December 23rd, 2015 · No Comments

Let me share with you one of my most favorite Christmas records of all time, THE MONSTER CHRISTMAS MASH! I first bumped into this groovy gold mine of holiday lunacy in a thrift store in the late eighties and it has slowly ear-wormed its way into becoming an essential part of my yearly festivities. I’m happy and relieved to see that the old devil has made its way to YouTube. I wish I could just plant the entire record on this spot but sadly it’s chopped into way too many multiple parts. Don’t worry though, we can all just take a field trip and jump to this playlist joint RIGHT HERE and listen to the whole album in order! Yay! I hope you have some (strong) egg nog ready…and plenty.

Here is a mere sample of what awaits you:

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Sunday Streaming:: Ninja III: The Domination

December 13th, 2015 · 2 Comments

Oh Geez, that ELECTRIC BOOGALLO doc has left me with a strong case of CANNON fever! What to do? Hey, it looks like our fine friends over at the YouTube channel THE PARAMOUNT VAULT has the solution! Let’s say we all watch NINJA III: THE DOMINATION! Don’t worry, you don’t have to see the first two NINJA movies to understand this one because it defies understanding anyway! All you need to know is LUCINDA DICKEY rocks hard and is a champ at playing the video game BOUNCER. If you’re still not cured, it looks like a bunch of other CANNON flicks have ended up in the same joint! I see HE- MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, MISSING IN ACTION, AMERICAN NINJA, KING SOLOMAN’S MINES and much more! They’re all FREE, they all look great and it’s all on the up and up! Why are you so generous PARAMOUNT? Are you possessed?

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Tags: Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert! · Sunday Streaming

Sunday Streaming:: Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story (1987)

December 6th, 2015 · 2 Comments

Ssssssh! Let’s watch something that we’re not supposed to watch. As long as Richard Carpenter is not a regular reader of Kindertrauma, I think we can totally get away with this. Have you ever seen TODD HAYNES’ lil’ masterpiece SUPERSTAR: The Karen Carpenter Story that is based on the life and times of the tragic genius KAREN CARPENTER? It’s so cool because all the actors are dolls and even more strange is just how creepy and moving it ends up being. Sadly this 44-minute slice of brilliance will probably never have a proper release because of all the musical licensing mumbo jumbo and the fact that Richard Carpenter is not a fan of the content in any way, shape or form. But my advice is you should check it out on the down low anyway because at the end of the day, art is more important than all that other stuff and you don’t want to go about the rest of your life having missed out on this singular experience. I dunno, I get the Carpenters on my mind every year around this time due to their contribution to Christmas music and I think we can learn a lesson from poor Karen’s inability to give herself a break and realize how cool she was in the first place. So let’s watch this but whatever you do, keep it quiet!

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Tags: Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert! · Sunday Streaming

Sunday Streaming:: Cottage Country (2013)

November 15th, 2015 · No Comments

Sad? You can use HULU like CALGON and tell it to take you away! You don’t even have to sign up or pay a dime, HULU has got plenty of freebies to enjoy. Take 2013’s COTTAGE COUNTRY for example. It features saucy and sensational FINAL GIRLS star MALIN AKERMAN and the lovely and glamorous TYLER LABINE of TUCKER AND DALE vs EVIL fame! Both those guys are hilarious if you ask me. I know comedy is subjective so I can’t guarantee you anything but what have you got to lose? This flick is about a couple who try to have a nice weekend but end up killing a bunch of folks instead. You know how that is. It kind of reminds me a bit of another beloved film, 1996’s THE LAST SUPPER. It’s got a similar sick sense of humor plus both films take place in a cozy location that is comfortable to hang out in anyway. Just press this word HERE and away you go!

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Tags: Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert! · Sunday Streaming

Sunday Streaming :: Terror (1978)

October 25th, 2015 · No Comments

I picked up a VHS copy of NORMAN J. WARREN’s TERROR a bunch o’ years ago and for some reason, I never gave it a spin. The other night I finally decided to dust it off and give it a looksee and just when it was starting to get good, the darn thing konked out and went on the fritz! I know that sounds tragic but don’t worry, there is a happy ending because that very same movie is contained on a compilation DVD I own from MILL CREEK called GOREHOUSE GREATS!

So I put the DVD in and instantly realized that I should have been watching it in the first place because the picture was all of the sudden sharp and lovely. Anyway, I just want to congratulate myself for learning the obvious lesson that sometimes VHS looks like crap and can’t be trusted even though I know I’m destined to forget that lesson within a few days.

Also let me say that TERROR (1978) is not such a great movie. I think it’s about a witch’s curse that ruins things for random people and there’s some possession business taking place but mostly I had little idea what was going on (although maybe I should blame my cough medicine for that). I’m going to give it the benefit of the doubt anyway because I was never bored and it looked pretty. The general vibe is agreeable and the death scenes stand out. It’s like there’s about a half dozen really cool horror vignettes that, taken in separately, really work but when they’re strung together as a whole, they turn into a muddled mess. In fact, it left me thinking that if you just ripped out the annoyingly foggy plot, you’d be left with one awesome trailer and so I Googled that notion and yep, I was right, the trailer is fantastic…

But this is Sunday Streaming so I’m leaving you with the whole movie. Like I said, it doesn’t all make sense or gel together but if you enjoy late-seventies supernatural horror mixed with some slasher elements, it’s well worth checking out. There’s a stalking scene mid-way through (featuring the guy who played Chewy McWookie in STAR WARS) that doesn’t exactly pan out but is pretty nifty while it lasts and the climax, which apparently was inspired by the splashy, fluorescent visuals in SUSPIRIA is at least kind to your peepers even if it ends up feeling kind of detached and incidental. Oh, and there’s some funny bits in this flick too involving the making of a trashy movie and wait, wasn’t there a flying car too? Hmmm, maybe I liked it even better than I think I did. Yep, I guess so. It’s kinda the perfect thing to watch from bed when you are high on cold medicine.

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Tags: Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert!

Sunday Streaming: The Paul Lynde Halloween Special

October 18th, 2015 · No Comments

I have nothing very original to offer today BUT I don’t mind reminding you that if you neglect to watch THE PAUL LYNDE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL right about now you are doing this entire month wrong, more wrong and super wrong.

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Tags: Holidays · Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert! · Sunday Streaming