Isn’t it sad that, once upon a time, I had to visit several video shops before I found a joint that carried THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW and even then, I could only dream of renting it rather than owning a copy of my very own? Boy, have times changed. These days you can watch it for FREE on HULU with your gay spouse! As the great YAKOV SMIRNOFF once said, “What a Country!” It’s no secret that I love me some SORORITY ROW because I said so back HERE and I even got extra geeky and made fake sequel posters that are stored over HERE. If you’ve never seen it before there may be something seriously wrong with you, so get on the right side of history and check it out below!
June 28th, 2015 · No Comments
June 24th, 2015 · 4 Comments
I stumbled across the strangest movie. It’s my most favorite view since THE MEDUSA TOUCH and it flew into my hands in much the same way. I was at an indoor flea market and this guy had a giant grey plastic tub of used VHS that he was selling three for five bucks. I found two that I wanted and had to take a gamble on a third. I was pretty sure I had seen 1991’s THE RUNESTONE before, as I had a vague negative feeling toward it, but I figured I’d give it a second chance because at least it looked semi-horror related. I didn’t already own it and it was in very good condition (the tape inside was tightly wound, laying flat and mold free! You gotta check for mold, I tells ya! It’s an epidemic!!) Anyway, after watching it, I doubted there was any way I had seen it before, as I would surely have remembered something so idiosyncratic. I guess, due to the cover art so proudly boasting the presence of the late ALEXANDER GODUNOV, I was unfairly associating it with WAXWORK 2? On the other hand it’s not impossible that exactly what makes THE RUNESTONE charming now made it forgettable back in its day. Some films need to sit and ferment.
I’m going to reference a ton of titles now as a kind of shorthand, so stand warned. RUNESTONE starts off as some sort of archeological adventure like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and there’s an all-consuming myth-dipped puzzle vibe that sorta reminded me of INFERNO. But then it gets to be so very much like THE RELIC except instead of a larger than life, difficult to register creature to deal with, there’s an old-fashioned, in-your-face dude in a rubber suit deal (think PUMPKINHEAD or RAWHEAD REX or especially HUMANOIDS OF THE DEEP). Jumping back even further, the soundtrack does its best to ape the sweeping, over the top dramatics of B-movie horror films from the fifties like THE CREATURE OF THE BLACK LAGOON.
I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that it’s like watching THE DAVINCI CODE do the cha-cha with SPAWN OF THE SLITHIS (1978) and I say that having never actually finished watching either of those. I should also mention it’s got a too big for its britches, would–be epic if not for its staggering lack of plausibility quality as per 1979’s THE DARK or the same year’s batty THE VISITOR. What’s it about? Let’s just say some jealous guy finds a rock in Pennsylvania and it brings out his worst.
Writer/director WILLARD CARROLL based his screenplay on a novel by MARK E. ROGERS but the entire affair has an intoxicating lunatic auteur feel to it, as if everything was obsessed over in some seriously unhealthy way. In fact, the concentrated visuals and often clunky dialogue reminded me of FRANK De FILITTA’s adorably self-indulgent insanity dispenser SCISSORS of the same year (and I mean that as a compliment). What’s extra odd is that RUNESTONE has its heart set on being funny, so you have to endure lead balloon joke after lead balloon joke until finally you begin to look forward to them. Weirder still, it actually is funny on at least two occasions.
You’ll never catch me saying, “It’s so bad, it’s good” but I have no issue saying it’s so awkward, it’s stimulating. I can’t help feel a tinge of exhilarating embarrassment for THE RUNESTONE. It’s goofily earnest and it knows no shame and it’s willing to throw anything against the wall in the hopes that it’ll stick and somehow, against all odds, some things do. For example the line, “Where am I when I need me the most?” is shoehorned into a scene for no good reason and now I can’t get it out of my head and there’s an extended bit that skewers a New York art gallery that somehow ends with the creature in question sporting a police hat that I won’t forget too soon. (Don’t get me started on the sex scene involving an impossible moon, and the battling silhouettes of a woman in the throws of passion and a swiping monster claw. It has to be seen to be believed).
Anyway, I know a keeper when I see one, there’s never something not going on, the misses are as fascinating as the hits and there’s no doubt you’ll see different things popping out upon multiple visits. I wish I could entice you better with the cast but that’s not going to work unless you are a big fan of PETER (ANIMAL HOUSE) RIEGERT, JOAN (BLACK SCORPION) SEVERANCE or the guy who looks exactly like the guy who was on that early FOX sitcom DUETS but is not that guy on account of he’s his twin brother (MITCHELL (not MATTHEW) LAURANCE).
What I CAN do (and what may be my sole purpose for being born), is to reiterate, highlight and underline that THE RUNESTONE is a MONSTER movie! To me, that is crucial, game-changing information previously neglected to be declared properly in the movie’s advertising art. In my book, monster movies are allotted a certain amount (acres and acres) of extra leeway to be somewhat off the wall. I’m not saying it’s part of their appeal, I’m just saying I’ll happily overlook a few zillion questionable choices to see a guy in a rubber suit rip some other guy’s arm off. I can’t help it.
So there my job is done. THE RUNESTONE is available to watch on YouTube. The picture quality is not the best (I can tell right away by how off the red hue is in the opening credits) but it’s not available on DVD or Blu-ray, so what are you going to do? Personally, I’d order a VHS from Amazon while supplies last. This is a cult hit waiting to happen and all it needs is somebody with more clout than me to say so.
June 21st, 2015 · No Comments
Aw shucks, it looks like I still have not finished the not that special spotlight streaming movie post I intended to write. I swear I’m not lazy, I’m just super slow and well, if I’m being perfectly honest, I may be spending an inordinate amount of time playing video games on a pathetically out of date console lately. I can’t help it! That vixen Mrs. Pac Man floods the not very particular reward regions of my brain with super yummy dopamine! It’s all good because I found a great movie to recommend on HULU and it looks like I wrote a review for it HERE back when I used to put some sort of value on being slightly productive.
The movie is called BURNING BRIGHT and it’s surprisingly good and it stars the lovely BRIANA EVIGAN who is GREG EVIGAN’s daughter! So it’s kind of a good Father’s Day pick too in a way because GREG EVIGAN of B.J. AND THE BEAR DEEP STAR SIX and MY TWO DADS fame is obviously one of the coolest dads ever! Happy Father’s Day!
June 14th, 2015 · 1 Comment
Awww drat, I had a super special Sunday Streaming planned for today but I didn’t get it done in time! All I have prepared is just a big pile of scrambled incoherent spaghetti words and it’ll take me far too long to unscramble all the rat tail sentences I spewed. I’m sorry. I’ll spotlight the movie in question later. In the meantime, we’ll just have to watch something else today. Hey, did you know that I love fish people and that DAGON is on HULU? It’s true so lets watch that. I suppose I did spotlight this particular title for Sunday Streaming BACK HERE but that was when it was on Netflix. This time we’re talking HULU so it’s as free as a fish in the sea or a rat whose tail isn’t tied to a big mess of other tails. So DAGON it is. I love this movie, plus now I can just steal an image from an old post and take a nap in air conditioning.
June 7th, 2015 · No Comments
Hey look, good old reliable FRANK HENENLOTTER’s hilarious FRANKENHOOKER is available to view for free on HULU! You know, I love the BASKETCASE trilogy so much and I adore the brilliant BRAIN DAMAGE to such a massive degree, that I often forget that FRANKENHOOKER is super snazzy too. In fact, I’d even call it dementedly uproarious or even radically boss! And look how sharp the image is and how bright the groovy colors are compared to my faded shroud of Turin-looking VHS tape! As the great LYNN REDGRAVE once said, “This is living!” Kids, grab the nearest lime green bean bag chair you can find, a delicious can of crisp and crystal clear ASPEN (the new soft drink with just a snap of apple) and join me as I visit New York back in the late eighties, when it was still worth visiting! Yay! Let’s spend some quality time with FRANKENHOOKER!
May 24th, 2015 · No Comments
It’s so nice outside that I must recommend we destroy the beauty and promise of this day by painting our windows black and staying inside to watch NEON MANIACS (1986)! NEON MANIACS presents a universe superior to our own, so let’s say we travel there and then stay there forever! Read a crusty, old moth-chewed review HERE and watch the splendidness below! Yay!
May 22nd, 2015 · 14 Comments
May 17th, 2015 · 3 Comments
There are an infinite amount of realities occurring at the same time. Somehow I’m trapped in a reality where PITCH PERFECT 2 trounced MAD MAX: FURY ROAD at the box office. I’m so ashamed of my country right now. Oh well, let’s make this a teachable moment and focus on the fact that financial success does not constitute quality and that sometimes you have to forgo popularity to remain awesome as hell. Still, it’s a world gone mad in my opinion and not mad in a good way and that’s why I think everybody who didn’t go see MAD MAX: FURY ROAD should stand up and be accountable and willingly subject themselves to the abject atrociousness that is SOLARBABIES. I know it’s harsh but how else will you learn?
May 10th, 2015 · No Comments
Happy Mother’s Day! Today I’m voting for KIM HUNTER as my favorite on screen mom! Not only was she a swell mom to BAD RONALD and was kind enough to hide him in a secret room when he accidentally killed a sassy smart aleck but she also played a mother of sorts to a slimy fish monster with tentacles named Anthony in the best ‘80s monster movie this side of THE THING! I’m talking about THE KINDRED and I will talk about THE KINDRED until the fine day it finally gets a proper DVD release! I’m not getting any younger folks and let me tell you, neither is my VHS tape! In the meantime, some saintly blessed person has put THE KINDRED up on VEOH so watch it below and spread the word!
Note: THE KINDRED pairs well with fish-flavored flicks like HUMANOIDS OF THE DEEP (1980) or DAGON (2001). Serve chilled with tartar sauce, a slice of lemon and a California white wine.
May 3rd, 2015 · 7 Comments
This week we lost a beloved member of the Kindertrauma family, our feline friend of twenty years, good ol’ Gato Malo. Today’s Sunday Streaming pick, my most favorite TWILIGHT ZONE episode “The Hunt” is dedicated in his honor. Rest in peace, Gato Malo! We love you and we’ll see you soon!