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“It Wasn’t Me!” by Alice Spages

February 6th, 2008 by aunt john · 4 Comments

I don’t know why everyone in this stupid parish thinks I’m the one who choked my brat sister Karen (BROOKE SHIELDS) with a candlestick, and stuffed her stupid body into a window seat before setting it on fire. C’mon, just because I was the last person seen entering through the church side door from the room where they found her dead, that don’t mean a thing. And whoop-de-frickin’- do Aunt Annie (JANE LOWRY), so what if I was wearing Karen’s veil when I snuck up to the alter to make Communion? Like I said, I found it on the floor. And no, I haven’t seen that dumb ol’, flashy crucifix Father Tom (RUDOLPH WILRICH) gave Karen before she got killed. I like to keep my looks like I keep my periods… hidden! Give me a plastic party mask and a school-issued yellow raincoat, and I’m good to go. Besides, I am not a thief. Okay, maybe I took that two-faced dolly Daddy gave Karen, but I only wanted to show it to the roaches I keep as pets in the Skippy Peanut Bar jar in steamer trunk in the basement. So you see, I couldn’t have killed Karen, I care about bugs so much I wouldn’t hurt a fly. Now kittens are another story. I mean yeah, I did strangle that one that belonged to that fat tub-of-lard landlord Mr. Alphonso, but he was making a rape face at me. And since we’re clearing the air, I also want to point out that it wasn’t me who stabbed Aunt Annie repeatedly in the thighs on the stairwell. Like I told the police and the doctors at the loony bin, I thought I saw my dead sister Karen in the hallway. Sounds crazy, I know, but I am not the only girl in the shithole town of Paramus with access to a frosted mask, a raincoat, and a butcher’s knife. But I don’t care if you believe me. My mom (LINDA MILLER) believes me, and so does my father. I’m their ALICE, SWEET ALICE (PAULA E. SHEPPARD).

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Tags: Repeat Offenders

4 responses so far ↓

  • 1 VicarOfVHSNo Gravatar // Feb 7, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    “He was making a rape face at me.” Brilliant, that!

    Ah, Paula E. Shepperd. I watched this years ago before I knew of the wonders of Liquid Sky. I’ll have to give it another look someday, with my new-found knowledge of Paula’s amazing ability.

    “Me…Me and…Me and My…ME AND MY RHYTHM BOX!”

  • 2 aunt johnNo Gravatar // Feb 10, 2008 at 1:09 pm

    I really wish she would come back to the cinematic five and dime. That one… I would even take her in a Lifetime movie (preferably in one about a predatory lesbian performance artist fending off opiate-addicted aliens while struggling with the changes brought about by menopause).

  • 3 Amanda By NightNo Gravatar // Sep 5, 2008 at 6:50 pm

    HA! This is a great review. I wanted to mention the “rape face” comment too. HA! That’s hilarious.

    This is a REALLY good movie. Totally underrated. The director also made Pandemonium which is one of my all time favorite movies ever.

  • 4 soloNo Gravatar // Mar 6, 2010 at 1:26 am

    It was Paterson not Paramus… Wrong shit hole of a town lol… This movie has been said to be getting a remake since 2007… I suggest a sequal as well…. For the time I’d have to say pretty good…  

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