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“It Wasn’t Me!” by Alice Spages

February 6th, 2008 by aunt john · 4 Comments

ALICE SWEET ALICE
I don’t know why everyone in this stupid parish thinks I’m the one who choked my brat sister Karen (BROOKE SHIELDS) with a candlestick, and stuffed her stupid body into a window seat before setting it on fire. C’mon, just because I was the last person seen entering through the church side door from the room where they found her dead, that don’t mean a thing. And whoop-de-frickin’- do Aunt Annie (JANE LOWRY), so what if I was wearing Karen’s veil when I snuck up to the alter to make Communion? Like I said, I found it on the floor. And no, I haven’t seen that dumb ol’, flashy crucifix Father Tom (RUDOLPH WILRICH) gave Karen before she got killed. I like to keep my looks like I keep my periods… hidden! Give me a plastic party mask and a school-issued yellow raincoat, and I’m good to go. Besides, I am not a thief. Okay, maybe I took that two-faced dolly Daddy gave Karen, but I only wanted to show it to the roaches I keep as pets in the Skippy Peanut Bar jar in steamer trunk in the basement. So you see, I couldn’t have killed Karen, I care about bugs so much I wouldn’t hurt a fly. Now kittens are another story. I mean yeah, I did strangle that one that belonged to that fat tub-of-lard landlord Mr. Alphonso, but he was making a rape face at me. And since we’re clearing the air, I also want to point out that it wasn’t me who stabbed Aunt Annie repeatedly in the thighs on the stairwell. Like I told the police and the doctors at the loony bin, I thought I saw my dead sister Karen in the hallway. Sounds crazy, I know, but I am not the only girl in the shithole town of Paramus with access to a frosted mask, a raincoat, and a butcher’s knife. But I don’t care if you believe me. My mom (LINDA MILLER) believes me, and so does my father. I’m their ALICE, SWEET ALICE (PAULA E. SHEPPARD).

Tags: Repeat Offenders




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VicarOfVHS
12 years ago

“He was making a rape face at me.” Brilliant, that!

Ah, Paula E. Shepperd. I watched this years ago before I knew of the wonders of Liquid Sky. I’ll have to give it another look someday, with my new-found knowledge of Paula’s amazing ability.

“Me…Me and…Me and My…ME AND MY RHYTHM BOX!”

Amanda By Night
12 years ago

HA! This is a great review. I wanted to mention the “rape face” comment too. HA! That’s hilarious.

This is a REALLY good movie. Totally underrated. The director also made Pandemonium which is one of my all time favorite movies ever.

solo
solo
10 years ago

It was Paterson not Paramus… Wrong shit hole of a town lol… This movie has been said to be getting a remake since 2007… I suggest a sequal as well…. For the time I’d have to say pretty good…