Book Report :: Miss Hickory
Month: January 2008
Humanoids From the Deep
Once again messing around with Mother Nature spawns slimy results in the ROGER CORMAN produced monster-thon HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP. Here it is mankind's eternal quest for a superior salmon that gets him into hot water with the powers of fate. Meddling with the DNA of these fishes produces the inevitable result of eight-foot tall, long-armed fish-men with one-track minds. Think late night double feature mash-up of CREATURE OF THE BLACK LAGOON and THE ACCUSED. DOUG McCLURE (You know him from such films as THE HOUSE WHERE EVIL DWELLS and SATAN'S TRIANGLE) teams up with "a great little lady scientist" (CARLY SIMON double ANN TURKEL) and scapegoat American Indian (apparently sufficiently non-Caucasian Latino ANTHONY PENA) to thwart the horny hybrids power move for the next step on the evolutionary ladder. Whether our heroes are successful is anybody's guess. I do know that the town of Noyo's annual salmon festival was a complete disaster, with dozens of humanoids crashing through the pier to tear the tops off of every female they encountered and ripping the faces off of any man who stood in their way. Directed by "great little lady" BARBARA PEETERS and considered too dull by producer CORMAN, HUMANOIDS was hijacked and injected with extra scenes of gore and nudity to fit the tastes of 1980 teenage audiences. These outlandish, over-the-top trashy breaks from the story have done much to cement HUMANOIDS into the minds of puberty stricken, cable-watching males over the years. Let's be honest, this is one cult favorite where nobody's clamoring to view the original director's cut. Even without the T&A though, HFTD is an entertaining throwback and fun diversion from the then current slasher craze. It's a goofy spectacle of bad taste and, like the impressive ROB BOTTIN creatures that inhabit it, its cross-pollination lineage may be it's strongest suite.
INDELIBLE SCENE(S):
- PETA baiting multiple dog disposals
- Tent attack ventriloquist dummy gets an eyeful and is unusually animated after owner's demise.
- Baby in danger is saved by drain cleaner
- Salmon festival attack garnished with same scream over and over in maddeningly endless loop
- Dilated eyeball ALIEN rip-off baby birth
TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Ian on the Kindertrauma Channel
I nearly shat myself with evil old memories when I saw the movie trailers on the KINDERTRAUMA CHANNEL! The worst offender has got to be IT'S ALIVE. LARRY COHEN is in need of serious psychiatric help. I remember the first time I saw that trailer…I was 11 years old, May 1977, on an afternoon after I'd just got home from school. My mother kept going "what the hell is that?" I was so freaked out she had to dose me with NyQuil just to sleep…my school attendance improved markedly because I didn't want to see that trailer! Now, at 42, I still can't bring myself to look at pix from that movie…and I'm bloody dreading when the trailer for the remake hits TV… I thought I was the only one who got warped by these trailers…
Devil Dog: Hound of Hell
After escaping from, yet before returning to, Witch Mountain, ‘70s onscreen siblings KIM RICHARDS and IKE EISENMANN took a detour from their usual Disney fare to star opposite RICHARD CRENNA, YVETTE MIMEUX, and the cutest, most satanic German shepherd to ever grace the made-for-tv-movie screen. Back story on the dog: ‘60's B-movie vamp MARTINE BESWICK along with two associates pay a visit to a puppy mill looking for a bitch in heat. Although hesitant to sell, the breeder eventually parts with his prized German shepherdess for $5,000. BESWICK and her crew chain the dog on a short leash in a barn with an inverted pentagram in the floor and burning candles everywhere which, if you really think about it, is the perfect setting for either a major fire or performing a black mass. The barn is used for the latter, and Satan is kind enough to send a canine demon to knock up the tethered shepherd. Meanwhile, somewhere across town, Mike and Betty Barry (CRENNA & MIMEUX) arrive home to find that their family dog has fallen prey to a hit-and-run accident. The death of the dog sours daughter Bonnie's (RICHARDS) 10th birthday party, and she decides to blow it off for a bike ride with her brother Charlie (EISENMANN). The two don't even make it out of the driveway before they are accosted by a creepy produce purveyor who, in addition to having a nice selection of greens, just happens to have a litter of possessed German shepherd pups in the back of his truck. Bonnie falls hard for a little scamp she names Lucky and, before long, the puppy with the glowing eyes unleashes its evil on the Barry household. Its first victim is the religious Mexican maid who is immolated when the sleeves of her housecoat brush up against the prayer candles she lights to ward off the dog. Next to go is the Great Dane from next door, followed shortly by his owner who turns up floating in his swimming pool. One by one, the Barry family members fall under the dog's spell: daughter Bonnie becomes a bitch, son Charlie stops at nothing to win the student council election, and Mom Betty becomes a total whore and is pretty flippant about the affair she has with her son's guidance counselor. The guidance counselor also has fatal run in with Lucky, and Mike finally puts two and two together about his family's transformation when he finds the dog hanging around the crime scene. It was either that or catching his wife and kids chanting in front of a spooky painting with the dog late at night in the attic, who's to say? Fresh from denial, Mike seeks advice from his local occult shop owner, unsuccessfully tries to shoot the dog at close range, and then jets off to South America for a pow-wow with a holy man who teaches him how to send the dog back to the hell from whence it came. Despite the dense amount of action packed into its 95 minute running time, DEVIL DOG falls short in the special effects department. After the laughable final showdown between Mike and Lucky, the family becomes un-possessed and son Charlie reminds all that there were at least nine other puppies in the litter.
INDELIBLE SCENE(S):
- BESWICK's black mass barn buddies, especially the man in the mirrored sunglasses
- The poor maid, polyester and prayer candles do not mix!
- CRENNA is almost seduced by the blades of his lawn mower
- MIMEUX's quick change from Susie Homemaker to full-blown slut
- KIM RICHARDS Proactiv®-ready reflection in CRENNA's handheld mirror
Who Can Kill a Child?
Opening with documentary footage of children suffering in Auschwitz, India, Korea and Vietnam, WHO CAN KILL A CHILD? promises to be a grim experience. Once you get past those initial scenes it is thankfully less savage than one would imagine, and a rather well directed film. Thematically, it's actually a kissing cousin to animal revenge films like THE BIRDS. Here children (who it is pointed out suffer the most in times of war) collectively decide enough is enough and set out to kill all existing adults rather than continue to be doormats and pawns. This Spanish precursor to CHILDREN OF THE CORN begins as a young couple Tom (LEWIS FLANDER) and Evelyn (AMY STEELE clone PRUNELLA RANSOME) decide to take a holiday on a remote island. She is pregnant with his child and although he was originally not too keen on bringing an infant into such a mad world, he has since warmed up to the idea. Upon reaching their destination they find a somewhat deserted seaside town. It's actually only the adults who are M.I.A. as children roam the streets randomly and in packs. Eventually, through the testimonial of an adult survivor, they learn that the children just snapped one night and went on a non-stop killing spree. Their attack was easily successful because, as the bloodied witness points out, "Who could kill a child?" Well, it turns out Tom could, especially when his wife and unborn son are on the chopping block and he's left no other choice. After the survivor is lead away by his daughter to be hacked to death by a kiddie mob, Tom and Evelyn decide to cut the R&R short and head for the mainland, which proves less than easy. The audience is delivered one suspenseful scene after another, until a grisly finale that harks back to NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD occurs. This all may sound exploitive, but it's not. Anyone who feels squeamish about the demise of the underage in this movie need only rewind to the film's news footage introduction to see what real horror is.
INDELIBLE SCENE(S):
- That creepy kid fishing; what the hell is in his tackle basket?
- The oldster who gets bludgeoned with his own cane
- The kid's interpretation of a piñata party
- Isolated normal kids are recruited by some ambiguous psychic means and stagnantly pose in what must be a salute to HITCHCOCK'S famous birds on a jungle gym scene.
- Evelyn is attacked from within
- The po-po come to save the day! (Well…maybe not)
TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Devon on The Pit
THE PIT used to freak me out when I was a kid. Those trolog things that lived down in a hole in the ground that the kid, Jamie, started talking to and then started feeding people to them. I remember just being scared of the trologs, glowing eyes and all that, kinda hairy Bigfoot type creatures. Also the talking bear with glowing eyes was pretty creepy too. Some funny parts to me as I watch it now are the grandma getting thrown into the pit after Jamie pushes her there in her wheelchair, and just Jamie being a pervert peeking at girls all over the place.
Uncle Lancifer says: Devon, that Jamie kid was an oddball, and THE PIT is one of our favorite "Kids Who Kill" movies. Expect to see more of him in these pages in the future, good pick!
TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader P 'orour Ingi on The Yulemen
Sure, Americans have stuff like SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT and CHRISTMAS EVIL, but old Icelandic folk tales speak of 13 yulemen, not the ho-ho-ing Saint Nick you all know, but mean spirited demons that stole and killed. Their mother, "Gryla" was a cannibalistic ogre that stole naughty kids and put them in her bag. Her humongous cat ate them. These old stories have been fed to us icelandic kids for centuries, and no one has really thought about how seriously fucking disturbed they are and how traumatizing they are! Heres a trailer for a recent horror-short on the subject, "UNHOLY NIGHT"
"P.I" even sent us a video! (Not to mention the above pic). How cool is he? O.K., we promise by next Xmas we'll have spruced up, Icelandic friendly keyboards to accommodate our new pal!
Prophecy
INDELIBLE SCENE(S):
- With apologies to Mr.Vorhees, ManBearPig is responsible for the very best sleeping bag death ever put to film!
- Ultra-hilarious raccoon attack, this scene deserves legendary status!
- Giant tadpole resembles GODZILLA foe HEDORA (the smog monster) as a child
- Cute lil' BabyManBearPig takes a bite out of TALIA's neck
- Injured guy strapped to overturned vehicle is decapitated
- Mysterious new creature emerges to cue credits and beg for a sequel that has yet to emerge
Bad Book Covers
Q:What do we love better than bad '80s horror novel covers?
A: Bad '80s horror covers with creepy kids on them! These three specimens were found over at BEYOND THE GROOVY AGE OF HORROR in the BAD BOOK COVERS section and guess what? There's plenty more. They even have (gasp!) good horror covers, crazy comics and more groovy images than you can shake a baby rattle at. So go check them out, but make sure you have plenty of time to kill!
NEW! from Kindertoy Inc… Baby It's Alive
Based on the lovable baby from the IT'S ALIVE trilogy, this new toy will keep your children entertained for hours* before it kills them!
*Actual hours of entertainment before death may vary