Year: 2008
Name That Trauma :: Reader Sanabellia on a Hands-on Stairwell
I'm so grateful to have come across this site.
I was about 2-3 years old when I saw this scene. It is of a woman screaming and running up a staircase with a wall on one side and the railing on the other. Hands come out of the wall trying to grab her as she runs up.
That's all I remember.
Everyone tells me I'm crazy, but how can a toddler make that up?
L.O.L.
Anyway it was in 1987 or 1988, and I was in Jacksonville Florida, if that helps. I can't find it anywhere, but I'm inclined to believe it's an old school haunted mansion type movie.
UNK SEZ: Sanabellia, I wonder what movie this is! It certainly sounds familiar, an old house, a chase up the stairs, creepy hands reaching out from the banister. I can't put my finger on it though. Any Kindertrauma readers out there with any ideas? You gotta help Sanabellia!!! Leave your best guesses in the comments section or email us at Kindertrauma@gmail.com. Somebody must know this one!!!
Traumafessions :: Reader Roger on Altered States
If there was one thing that would throw me for a loop when I was a kid watching either the silver or small screen, it was something about crossing paths with someone that was a "some-THING." The thought of seeing a humanoid left me scared to walk down our dark hallway at night after seeing IN SEARCH OF. In a related way, I had an equal fear of the sub-human. This is where the KEN RUSSELL-directed ALTERED STATES comes in. The mixed-genera flick received a humble blip at the 1980 box office, but ads showed that you were in for a wallop on the senses. I was 10 when it came out, and would not be allowed to see it. Good thing, since the T.V. advertising was thoughtful enough to save viewers from the shots I'm talking about here: The lead character in his famously-horrifying deformed condition. (If you know the movie, WILLIAM HURT becomes a deformed screaming blob-o-human due to a regression to a de-volved state of humanoid existence. Are things brought into clarity upon seeing the film? No… It's a KEN RUSSELL film, folks.)
The fact is, I DID run smack into the trauma-rific scenes of this movie in surprise-attack fashion. California people here may remember an ‘80s Bay Area television show called EVENING MAGAZINE. This was one of those trite local fares covering stories about neat local places to eat, hike, and explore, and was good for getting you between dinner and CHiPs on a school night.  Sounds great right? Well, there was one EVENING MAGAZINE reporter that needed his head examined.
Clearly having seen the movie, this particular reporter's dainty segment on a little-known isolation tank location in San Francisco described that, for a fee, you can be deprived of senses and improve meditation. So what does he decide to splice into this human-interest piece? A SUB-human life-form writhing like a banshee and slamming his deformed appendages into walls – yes, the climax of R-rated ALTERED STATES!
A cold sweat hit all the grannies in the Bay Area, and me, simultaneously.
Yeah sure, the movie, like his segment, features isolation chambers – so obviously the thing to do is show the movie's KEN RUSSELL-horror-hallucination-freak-out and shock everybody during prime time! Â I guess it was meant as a timely pop culture in-joke, but WTF?
I'll never understand why I had to get that dose of heart trauma at that age by a things-to-do segment.
If I could find that reporter today, I'd get medieval on his a$$!
Traumafessions :: Reader Ericka on The X-Files & Comic Books
Growing up in upstate NY, there was very little to do so my father would watch horror movies late at night. Well one night my parents were painting their bedroom (mind you I was probably really young at the time) and while mom was off watching THE CLIENT in the living room, dad was watching THE X-FILES in my room. "Do you promise not to be scared?" he asked. Me being young and gullible, I agreed to watch it with him. It was the episode with the Flukeman and all it took was 10 minutes into that episode for me to go screaming for my mother. I'm not really sure what it was that scared me but to this day I haven't watched the episode.
I however continued to be terrified and even got into the old comic books my father had from his youth. The one series that scared me the most, I don't remember the name (it was from the '60s/'70s) but the gist of the series was that it was twists on things you wouldn't normally be scared of led by a story teller witch that really reminded me of the crypt keeper. One such story has always stood with me where a kid is dying and the grandfather spends the whole story trying to keep death out only to fail at the end. I think he dies instead but that part's fuzzy. Another one was about a killer Easter bunny who dipped the children in chocolate and then ate them. Real messed up stuff. It's driving me mad that I don't remember what this series is called!
UNK SEZ: Ericka, thanks for the great traumafession. I'm a big fan of the episode "The Host" from the second season of THE X-FILES as well. It's one of the most disturbing (and sometimes nauseating) of the series. As far as that comic goes, I'm not familiar but an exceptional place to do some archaeological digging for it would be THE HORRORS OF IT ALL. Even if you don't find exactly the comic you're looking for, you are sure to find something equally good or maybe even better.
Project Run Scared :: The Ten Worst Halloween Costumes
With Halloween fast approaching your Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John have been combing the interwebs for inspiration for costumes. (Yes, we're kinda sorta fighting over who will be Joan from MAD MEN). During our Google-y endeavors we came across a list on RETROCRUSH which lists the worst Halloween costumes ever to be created. Rather than take this list as a cue to go no further and simply compromise (losing straw has to be Pete Campbell), we decided to challenge ourselves and see if we could find even worse Halloween costumes out there in the sparkly interwebville. Everyone one knows that if you're looking for crap the second place after the outhouse is eBay, so off we went. With visions of the impending PROJECT RUNWAY finales cat walking through our brains, we decided to review the ultimate worst of what he had discovered….
10. Nicholas Bradford from EIGHT IS ENOUGH
UNK: (as Tim Gunn) Why are there two? They are both worse than each other somehow. It's pretty sad to me that a child would be so unimaginative that the best that he or she could come up with was dressing like another child of approximately the same age. As I look at them, I hear annoying Ewok songs in my head.
AUNT J: (as the Klumeister): Where is the Mary Bradford costume? With her raspy voice and devotion to medical school, she'd make for a much better costume. PERIOD.
9. Lil' Hotlips from M.A.S.H. BABIES
UNK: In my opinion M.A.S.H. BABIES was the worst cartoon that ever aired on American television. That said, the idea of sending my young child out into the night with the words "LIL' HOTLIPS' emblazoned across her vinyl smock makes me ill. I'd also like to add that M.A.S.H. BABIES sounds more like a demand from the Marquis de Sade then an animated Saturday cartoon aimed at children.
AUNT J: You're right, M.A.S.H. BABIES was released right around the same time as the MICHAEL JACKSON/ Pepsi commercial incineration debacle. Too many little girls were bombarded with snickering taunts of "Major Burns… hah!" Plus LORETTA SWIT never translated well as a youthful character.
8. Some old guy from ON GOLDEN POND
UNK: Is that grey area on the costume plush? I feel it may be plush. Anyway, is that mask supposed to represent the celebrated actor HENRY FONDA? He may have beat his children like they owed him a gambling debt on a daily basis, but he never wore his hair THAT long. (P.S. eBay seller, you're welcome for Photoshoping the stains out of your carpet).
AUNT J: Correct me if I am wrong, but I think it's a KATHARINE HEPBURN mask. Overall, I am not very FONDA this getup.
7. NORMA RAE from NORMA RAE
UNK: Any child wearing this will never have their demands met. I predict a treat bag filled with pennies and lint-covered, unwrapped Velemints.
AUNT J: Is that sign attached to the crotch? The whole purpose of Halloween is to collect free candy, not splinters south of the border! PASS!
6. Aurora Greenway from TERMS OF ENDEARMENT
UNK: I just threw up, not so much in my mouth, but all over the front of my KRASS BROTHERS suit. eBay person, are you really going to try to sell something this filthy? Nobody wants your old dumpster diving gear. This looks more like crime scene evidence than anything that should be worn in public. From this picture, I can glean that its wearer already received their first review when the neighborhood children pelted her with dog feces.
AUNT J: If I saw this one coming down the street, I would totally bolt the door and turn out all the lights! Where is the imagination? Couldn't the child don a hospital gown, slap on some deathbed pancake make-up, and try to pull off the DEBRA WINGER look? This is too easy.
5. Vera from ALICE
UNK: I don't hate this, at least not as much as I hate the character of "Vera". It could work if you carried around a box of soda straws and pretended to spill them every couple of yards on your Halloween trek, and maybe bump into a light post or two. It needs a bit of work but it's almost there.
AUNT J: To quote the opening theme from ALICE, "Kicking myself for nothing was my favorite sport." This costume is neither a kick nor sporty. I'd much prefer to see Mel's Mom (MARTHA RAYE) immortalized in a plastic costume.
4. Steve Burns (AL PACINO) from CRUISING
UNK: I thought I'd seen it all with the VILLAGE PEOPLE costume on RETROCRASH, but this is even more alarming to my small town sensibilities. Then again, black vinyl is notoriously slimming. Plus liquids roll right off of vinyl, be it water or lemon juice or urine.
AUNT J: Can we turn that costume around? Yikes! October is far too brisk a month to be sporting assless chaps about town.
3. Anne Romano from ONE DAY AT A TIME
UNK: I love this! I have ALWAYS enjoyed her work. That's Twiki's robotic girlfriend "Tina" from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY right?
AUNT J: Striking a blow for womens' rights and single moms everywhere in the late seventies, the Ann Romano costume was oft-mistaken for both Twiki and Lee Grant. Sad, really….
2. Walter from MAUDE
UNK: Why is there a picture of MAUDE on the chest of this costume? Even as a Halloween costume BILL MACY gets upstaged. God will get you for that BEA!
AUNT J: I read somewhere that BEA demanded that her visage be placed on the entire MAUDE Halloween costume collection. Regrettably, there was enough real estate on the bodice of ADRIENNE BARBEAU's to include two such images.
1. Cousin Jeri from THE FACTS OF LIFE
UNK: Ugh! This really rakes my nerves. Enough with THE FACTS OF LIFE! When will that show's iron grip upon our culture loosen? I've taken the good, I've taken the bad and what do I have? MORE FACTS O' LIFE! GERI JEWEL is the absolute last person that I wanted to see today. I actually made a mental note of that fact as I climbed out of bed this morning. Thumbs down, a real stinka-roo!
AUNT J: Ummm… NEWSFLASH Unkle…this costume didn't come off of e-Bay! I wore this costume in the second and third grades. JERI JEWEL was a role model, not only to me, but also to other blossoming stand-up comediennes everywhere in the early '80s. For reals, for reals! And by the way, this lil' number garnered me "Best Box-Job Costume" in 1982 and 1983 at my elementary school.
UNK: As long as we're being perfectly honest, I may have a M.A.S.H. BABIES costume lying around in a trunk in the castle somewhere (lil' Father Mulcahy natch!) Maybe we do have Halloween outfits for this year's festivities after all!
Traumafessions :: Kinderpal Mickster on Halloween II
After graduating from junior college in May of 1992, I took a job in my hometown hospital's emergency room. As an emergency room clerk, I registered people as they entered the ER for treatment. During my time I work worked both first and second shift (there wasn't a third shift). As Halloween approached, my co-worker asked me if I would switch shifts on Halloween, so she could take her children trick-or-treating. Not having any children, I agreed. I made a stupid mistake before going to my shift on that night. I decided to watch HALLOWEEN II. What could possibly be the harm in watching this movie? It is not as scary as the original HALLOWEEN, and I had seen it many times before. Well, I wasn't thinking that the majority of the action takes place in a small town hospital on Halloween night. The hospital I worked in was as small and vacant as the hospital in the movie.
Second shift normally ended at 12A.M. and one of the last duties of the night was to take all of the files from the shift to the business office at the front of the hospital. During the day, this was a busy area with plenty of people; however, at 12 A.M. it was dark and completely void. The night had been uneventful especially for a Saturday night. I had even put the movie out of my mind until I started my journey down the long, dark corridor. The mind can play amazing tricks on you in such a situation. I could hear JOHN CARPENTER's haunting music pulsating in my head. I could see the shadow of a knife-wheedling, masked man. I had the feeling you get when you wake from a nightmare and are still unsure if it was real or not. My heartbeat quickened and I felt panicky. Quickly, I unlocked the door, threw the files on the desk, and raced back to the emergency room.
Whoa! I had learned a valuable lesson. Never again would I mix HALLOWEEN II with working in the ER on Halloween night.
Kinder-Taining :: A Sure-Fire Halloween Recipe
Given the current recessionary state of the economy, not a day goes by in which your dear old Aunt John doesn't receive a mountain of e-mails, and countless faxes, from harried homemakers looking for advice on how to stretch their food budget dollars. As the primary home economist at Kindertrauma Castle, your Aunt John is a strong proponent of coupon clipping and home cooking.
In response to those who never really wrote me, I would like to open my coveted recipe file and share with you a relatively cheap and easy to make Halloween dish I picked up while attending boarding school in upstate New York:
For our more visually oriented readers, please follow the instructions below: