kindertrauma

Year: 2008

Kinder-News :: The Votes Are In!!!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

As you may recall, in the not so distant past, we urged our readership to vote on the highly controversial PROPOSITION MARY JANE. The land of Kindertrauma is nothing if not Democratic, and it is an honor to bestow such freedoms upon the masses. In this particular vote you had the expansive choice of deciding YEA or NAY on the fate of one Mary Jane candy. It's no secret that I, your honorary Unkle, was pushing for the demise of said candy, but the people have spoken and as promised I will now concede.

It may alarm you to know that Mary Jane candies did in fact loose by a vote of 7 to 8, but I, in my infinite wisdom, spent the long night wondering why my victory felt so hollow. The answer lied in the snoring, bespectacled cherub face of Aunt John. Aunt John voted against Mary Jane only under extreme coercion and the threat of severe bodily harm. The fact is they have not made a candy that he will not eat, and that includes the heinous Mary Jane.

And being one of the fairest people who ever lived, not only of complexion and cascading ginger locks, but of character as well, I changed his vote to YEA making the end result a tie. Please don't cheer and throw confetti, I am just a man. (A man chosen by God to spread joy across the world with his spot-on karaoke interpretation of the MEN WITHOUT HATS song "Pop Goes the World," but a man just the same.)

The fact is that this past Halloween I was reminded of an even more horrific threat. A threat that is not even a candy; a threat in a small red box that goes by the hoity-toity name of SUN-MAID RAISINS.  Now I ask you, who in their right mind would hand out raisins on Halloween? A mad person I decree! Let's make next Halloween raisin free. That non-treat with its so-called vitamins and nutrients is one thing that even Aunt John could say NAY to!

In closing, Mary Jane you are spared. Weird Sun-Maid girl with the dated hat and the creepy smile, your days are numbered!

P.S.: To all you folks who voted in this or any other recent voting type thingy…give yourselves a big pat on the back; no matter the outcome, you are now a part of history!

P.S.S.: If you've recently voted for a candy or person who found victory, don't be afraid to jump up and down a little.

NOTE: Special thanks to Auntie J for this groovy Mary Jane statue!!!

Kiss Daddy Goodbye

Posted on By unkle lancifer

This telekinetic killer munchkin flick is not like anything you've ever witnessed. You know your old Unk not only has a high tolerance for lameness, but also a masochistic sweet tooth for it, right? Well, I may have finally met my match. Here is a movie that had me waxing nostalgic for the brilliant acting in CATHY'S CURSE and the technical achievement of THE CHILDREN. Watching KISS DADDY GOODBYE is sort of like watching your clothes twirl around in a drying machine while overdosing on Quaaludes. It's not so much a movie as a celluloid incantation infused with the power to make time stop.

After watching their father get lazily murdered by vaguely interested motorcyclists, lethargic psychic-wonder twins Beth and Michael reanimate their pop's corpse. Revenge for his ghastly murder is put on hold, as zombie Dad's primary function seems to be as an unpaid servant/chauffeur. (If your idea of horror is watching blank faced children eating yogurt and building sand castles look no further). Social worker MARILYN BURNS (THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE) and police officer FABIAN FORTE are at risk of discovering the truth about the tykes if they ever leave the one-desk police station set they seem perpetually trapped in.

As dopey as the general plot is, it's the film's delivery that will hold you spellbound. Everyone seems hypnotized and perhaps discretely zapped with unseen cow prods when required to speak. The only word I can think of to describe the two children's performances is "narcoleptic." To tell you the truth, I'm not the type to require that a film have even passable acting in it. I've done without many times before and I'm fine, who am I LEE STRASBERG? Yet, I would prefer that actors are at least of the caliber to deliver a line without trailing off, getting glassy eyed or becoming visibly bored.

At some point the director must have gotten as exasperated as myself and decided to coin the term "think-speak." This is when the kids stop talking all together and begin to communicate by awkward silences and barely focused half stares. It doesn't really solve the problem but it does, at least, present a much-needed break from it. MARILYN and FABIAN do not fare much better, which is a shame because those two are sort of my dream cast. I have a feeling that just being in the general vicinity of the children made them drowsy. The two are sort of forced to walk in circles throughout and spend a great deal of time waiting for MARILYN's car to get fixed.

Frequently shown on ELVIRA'S MOVIE MACABRE, this is one movie that benefited richly from colorful inserts filled with bad puns and big boobs. Even without ELVIRA's help, though, there is something so backwards and misguided here that you're sure not to ever forget the experience. Mind numbing drudgery aside, there is probably no way a person could get through a viewing without laughing out loud at least once. Maybe laughter was not the response the filmmakers intended but it sure beats a yawn.

Name That Trauma :: Reader LeeAnn on Fatal Water Tower Games

Posted on By aunt john

I remember being a kid and walking into the living room while my mother was watching a movie on television.  I watched the remainder of the movie and found it very scary.  It was about some kids (teenagers?) who were playing in/around a water tower, and I think one of them fell inside or got pushed inside.  If I remember right, the kid ended up dying.  I could be way off, but I was hoping someone would be able to tell me what movie I'm recalling.

UNK SEZ: Yikes, another day, another "Name That Trauma" stumper! I feel like I've seen this before. It kind of reminds me of THE OTHER but I think those kids where messing around in piles of hay. Wasn't there another movie where a kid fell into a silo of corn and suffocated in it? Falling into a water tower reminds me of something that might happen at the beginning of C.H.I.P.S. Gee, LeeAnn I'm not quite sure what this may be. If anyone has any ideas please dump them in to the comments section…but be very careful around the comment section edge, it's very slippery and several readers have been known to fall in, never to be heard from again!

Name That Trauma :: Reader Marcel on a Building-Dropping Bug

Posted on By aunt john

Reading the article with AMANDA BY NIGHT gave me chills since, for a long time, I have been searching for something that was VERY similar to the Prisoner's ROVER…

When I was a kid (in the 80s) I rented a VHS tape that at the beginning had these previews and one was like this:

In the middle of the desert a man in a suit, laying on the sand, desperately drags himself at a slow pace, like something was about to attack him (but there is nothing around!). Then a quick cut shows us a big city downtown and a horrible noise. Suddenly, in the best HARRYHAUSEN stop-animation fashion we see flying a HUGE giant mechanical bug (shaped like a fly) that gets on top of one of the skyscrapers and yanks the whole thing out with debris falling all over. Cut back to the guy in the desert, cut to the giant fly with the building hanging between her legs, cut the guy, horrible sound getting more intense, cut to the point of view of the bug flying over dunes, cut to the guy hearing the noise, the bug gets on top of him and drops the building…on him.

It was horrific. I remember rewinding it and watching it over and over again. To this day it haunts me to know what that was about.

AUNTIE SEZ: Marcel, you have us stumped! If any of you dear readers know the name of this freaky fly flick, please leave it in the comments or email it to us at kindertrauma@gmail.com.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Melissa on Monsterous Musical Numbers

Posted on By aunt john

I don't think this is technically considered a trauma 'cause I kinda liked it, but here goes…

When I was 10-ish and growing up in lovely upstate NY, I used to wake up before everyone else and sneak downstairs to watch a very, very early morning T.V. show. It was probably around 1982 or 1983, and it featured (I think) a Dracula, a werewolf, and a Frankenstein in strangely comedic situations. Every once in a while there would be a musical montage of these goofy monsters dancing to stuff like The Archies "Sugar Sugar" or The Stones "Jumping Jack Flash."

I have often wondered if this show actually existed, or if it was just a psychedelic fever dream.

Either way, please help!

UNK SEZ: Melissa you are talking about THE GROOVIE GOOLIES. I loved that show as a kid. In fact I still love it. It premiered in 1970 and it was a spinoff of THE ARCHIES cartoon. Sabrina the Teenage Witch (who I also love) being the connecting factor!!!! Find out more HERE!

The First Annual Kindertrauma Halloween Parade!

Posted on By aunt john

ANNOUNCER: Boys and girls, welcome back to the all ready in progress First Annual Kindertrauma Time-Traveling Halloween Costume Parade. We now join your hosts, Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John, on the east lawn of Kindertrauma Castle.

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UNKLE: And who is that I see floating across the east lawn?

AUNTIE: Why it's none other Ronald McVorhees, star of the never to be released FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 17, "DON'T AXE FOR EXTRA FRIES!"

Ronald McVorhees

UNKLE: Wait, what?

AUNTIE: Yeah, I couldn't help but GRIMACE when I saw that trailer!

UNKLE: Stop, I can't do this. Who wrote this parade banter?

AUNTIE: I did, and I have a knife in my purse under the counter. Just read the teleprompter or I will stab you in the neck.

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UNKLE: All righty then, who is this creepy little skeleton?

mr. canacorn

AUNTIE: Why that awesome lil' dude is none other than MR. CANACORN of AWESOMENESS FOR AWESOME'S SAKE.

UNKLE: Awesome costume MR. C!

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AUNTIE: Yikes! What is our next participant wearing?

vicar of vhs

UNKLE: That would be the VICAR OF VHS of MAD MAD MAD MAD MOVIES fame rocking, what looks like a hunchback costume.

AUNTIE: Let's throw it down to the street where VICAR can explain his outfit.

VICAR OF VHS: What we have here is the Vicar, age 7 or 8 (this would be circa 1978 or 1979, showing my age), in what is still pretty much my FAVORITE COSTUME EVAR: the Hunchback! Now what made this costume so great, you ask? Well, except for the cheapo plastic fangs, it's 100% home-made–my dad's shirt, my mom's eye shadow and hairspray, a pillow strapped to my back with a belt. But more importantly than that, it was effective: when I put it on, I BECAME the hunchback! The loping gait, the mush-mouthed pleas for understanding, it was all there. And perhaps best of all, when my cousin (dressed as a little fairy princess) came to our house to trick or treat, and I came bounding out of the house toward her in full RAMPAGE mode, she screamed and scampered to the back of the family van and would not come out until her dad assured her NUMEROUS times that it was just her lil' cousin. Ah, even after all these years, I don't think I've ever been so proud of myself.

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AUNTIE: Well, we are very excited by the VICAR's pride. Speaking of excitement, I know of some ladies who are very excited by today's parade.

UNKLE: Oh, really. And who would they be?

AUNTIE: None other than the KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS. Take it away girls!

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UNKLE: Umm, that wasn't very exciting.

AUNTIE: No?

UNKLE: And it had nothing to do with Halloween. I know you personally choreographed that number, but it lacked a certain level of panache.

AUNTIE: Suck it. Well, our next entrant is certainly not shy about bringing the panache to everything he does.

adam dvd panache

UNKLE: Sweet Jesus! Is that ADAM of DVD PANACHE?

AUNTIE: You betcha! Let's hear what he has to say about his get-up.

ADAM: 1988… best costume ever! Ghoul makeup kit bought at Newberry's, it actually ended up looking better than the package advertised. On the downside, it itched so much I was only able to visit four houses.

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UNKLE: I like folks that don't clown around when it comes to wearing uncomfortable costumes.

AUNTIE: Wait, did you say you like clowns?

UNKLE: Umm, no, are you deaf?

AUNTIE: Nope, I'm in parade mode and I love making shameless segues. Straight from the Kindertrauma Commenter Big Top comes our next participant… the one and only MICKSTER as a scary clown!

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UNKLE: Wait, what is she doing? It looks like…

AUNTIE: … she is changing costumes!

UNKLE: Go MICKSTER!

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AUNTIE: What a little devil!

UNKLE: That PROFESSOR VON WHISKERSEN sure is a lucky guy.

AUNTIE: Oh my! Are things getting heated along the parade route, or is it just me?

UNKLE: Nope, that's just your hot flashes acting up again.

AUNTIE: Hold your tongue UNKLE, and hopefully the PROFESSOR will hold his fire.

UNKLE: Wait, what?

AUNTIE: Shhh… up next is PROFESSOR VON WHISKERSEN!

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PROFESSOR: Here's me in 1982, age 7, prepared to get candy and shoot commies in the face.

UNKLE: And on that note, let's pause for a TRAUM-MERCIAL break from unofficial parade sponsor Coor's Light.

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AUNTIE: And we're back!

UNKLE: That ad made me thirsty.

AUNTIE: Well, you're in luck. Up next we have two of our favorite thirst quenchers.

UNKLE: BEA ARTHUR and CHARLOTTE RAE?

AUNTIE: No, you silly goose! DANIELLE & FREDDIE co-proprietors of the best bar in the whole wide world, 12 STEPS DOWN.

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UNKLE: Wait, which one is which?

AUNTIE: Let's throw it to DANIELLE for an explanation.

DANIELLE: I am in the lovely 1980 fall addition clown costume, Freddie is the homemade hooker in the middle, which scarily resembles what I look like today, and the ravishing Vampire is my oldest brother Johnny!

UNKLE: I love them. And remember kids, if you are ever in the greater Philadelphia area looking for a watering hole, stop by 12 STEPS DOWN, conveniently located at the corners of 9th & Christian Streets!

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AUNTIE: Speaking of great brother and sister acts, check out our next entrants… commenter Megatone230 and his SCOOBY-DOO sis:

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UNKLE: Can we get a close-up of his face?

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AUNTIE: MEGATONE230, how did you come up with such a scary face?

MEGATONE230: I got the idea for it from the way cool 'Make-up Monsters' book, I ordered from the Weekly Reader in school.

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MEGATONE230: My mom helped do the make-up.

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UNKLE: Moms really are the best when it comes to helping with make-up.

AUNTIE: And when it comes to hair, nobody beats a Grandma!

UNKLE: What the hell are you babbling about?

AUNTIE: Our next parader is none other than ME, your AUNT JOHN, rocking the Number #1 Super-Guy costume HONG KONG PHOOEY. Flanked by my older brothers, CHUCKY & FRANKY, I do believe we went with a super-hero theme that year.

kindertrauma parade

UNKLE: What the hell is on your head?

AUNTIE: Listen, even at the age of four, when this was taken in 1976, I was a stickler for authenticity. Remember when H.K.P. rocked a perm, like everyone else in the ‘70s?

UNKLE: Nope, afraid not.

AUNTIE: Well he did, and I accessorized my look with my Grandma's wig to take this box-job costume to the next level. From what I remember, that shit was super hot, literally, and I was a sweaty mess by night's end.

UNKLE: You are a freak.

AUNTIE: Speaking of super-freaks, let's move on to our next parader.

UNKLE: O.M.G.!, is that who I think it is?

AUNTIE: Yep, it's none other than your favorite zombie gunslinger, WIL of HORROR YEARBOOK!

kindertrauma parade

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UNKLE: Where are my smelling salts? Zombie cowboys fill me with fear!

AUNTIE: Silly UNKLE, never fear… that sly FOX of TRACTOR FACTS is here!

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UNKLE: Yay! UNDERDOG! I feel so much safer now!

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AUNTIE: Well I'm glad you feel safe UNK, 'cause our final parader is making me slightly nervous with her glow stick. What is she doing?

UNKLE: Hmmm, it looks like she is spelling something. I can sort of make out the letters from here…

kindertrauma parade

AUNTIE: "To KINDERTRAUMA"… something, something "Jamie." What the hell?

UNKLE: Awww… it's OFFICIAL TRAUMATOT DANIELLE HARRIS.

AUNTIE: For those watching at home, I don't know how we managed to get the star of HALLOWEENS 4 & 5, but there she is… clowning around on the east lawn Kindertrauma Castle. I love it!

kindertrauma parade

UNKLE: Wow, that parade went too fast. I guess the whole time-traveling factor just goes to show that anything can happen on Halloween!

AUNTIE: Funny, you should say that. Boys and girls, please give a big Kindertrauma welcome to our master of closing ceremonies… TIM CURRY!

AUNTIE: Special thanks to MR.CANACORN, the VICAR OF VHS, ADAM of DVD PANACHE, MICKSTER, PROFESSOR VON WHISKERSEN, DANIELLE & FREDDIE from 12 STEPS DOWN, MEGATONES 230, WIL from HORROR YEARBOOK, FOX of TRACTOR FACTS, the KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS, DANIELLE HARRIS, and TIM CURRY for participating in today's festivities.

UNKLE: We love you all more than Halloween itself!

AUNTIE: Seriously. Now get out there, get your trick-or-treat on, and have the bestest Halloween EVER!

Kinder-News:: Kettlebottom Gets The Boot

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I'll be honest with y'all, here at the Castle we go through maids like Pringles potato chips. The latest to be canned is Hagatha Kettlebottom who has been with us for years. Unfortunately, she's been having more senior moments than not lately. Once was all she had to do was bat her eyelashes and do her spot on Urkle impression, "Did I do that?" and we'd be rolling on the floor laughing, broken commemorative ANNIE plates be damned. Well her cute act has worn thin, and today it was Aunt John's turn to drop the axe (I fired the last seven). Before I knew it, that old softy Aunt John and Hagatha were wiping away each other's tears and I had to step in and be firm. I pushed the old broad into a conveniently located wheelbarrow and hauled her ass off the grounds, even as Auntie howled and begged for a change of heart on my part.

How was this old woman able to push your usually patient as a saint Unkle Lancifer's cool as a cucumber Pisces disposition to it's ultimate breaking point? Why did I feel that steering her kicking and screaming body off the grounds in a wheelbarrow was not enough? Why did I also decide to end her little impromptu ride by dumping her ancient carcass into a fish bone strewn trash pit in back of the local RED LOBSTER?

I'll tell ya… that biznitch ruined my Halloween! I told that ninny to rent as many horror movies as she could find at the local video store for our Halloween festivities. Mind-blowingly an hour later she had the nerve to hand me over a sour smelling empty milk crate with these incredibly NOT Halloween movies nesting inside!

1. DYING YOUNG (1991): JULIA ROBERTS is a nightmare, agreed but this is not a horror movie by any stretch of the imagination. Hagatha's only explanation was whispered to her fake baby. Yes, Hagatha carries around a "reborn" which she dotes on when she should be cleaning and paying attention to my whims!

2. THE KILLING FIELDS (1984): I'm sure this a good movie and that I would learn a bunch by watching it, but that is exactly the opposite of what I'm looking for.

3. THE GRAPES OF WRATH (1940): I can still hear her horrible quivering voice trying to make sense of this choice "Me thought the mister would get a fright if the grapes attacked, I did." It was all I could do not to slam a frying pan into her face. Thank god Aunt John held me back!

4. NIGHT OF THE IGUANA (1964): O.K., I can kinda see where she could get confused here but ever thought of reading the back of the box?

5. FIERCE CREATURES (1997): "It stars JAMIE LEE CURTIS it does."

6. CRAZY PEOPLE (1990): This is a DUDLEY MOORE "comedy" for Christ sake. What is wrong with this woman? She only made matters worse by regaling the same tired story about her "Nutter" brother Ian who stripped down naked to his socks and chased several town people about while waving a cleaver, "One early St. Swithin's Day."

7. WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOLF? (1966): As much as no movie on Earth depicts life at Kindertrauma Castle better than this film, it's simply not appropriate Halloween fare.

8. KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN (1985): ditto.

9. 28 DAYS (2000): No, not 28 DAYS LATER the one with the zombies, 28 DAYS the one with SANDRA BULLOCK in rehab.

10. GIANT (1956): I'm not going to complain about a JAMES DEAN movie, but the idea that this mad woman thought it was a film about an actual scary giant boggles my mind. Do they even make movies about scary giants?

11. THE WHALES OF AUGUST (1987): Yes, VINCENT PRICE is in this and yes the specter of death hangs over all proceedings, but it's not scary and contrary to Hagatha's protests, it does not have a killer whale in it.

12. THE DEAD (1987): This was the last straw. I'd had it. We have here a JOHN HUSTON FILM based on the work of JAMES JOYCE. Halloween is just around the corner. Thousands of guests are due to arrive and now I'm going to be left with only the millions of horror movies that I have lying around the castle to entertain my guests. Some of whom are traveling hundreds of miles to get here!

You're fired Hagatha, fired,fired,fired. Your Urkel impersonation will not get you out of this one!