kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Silent Night (2012)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I've made it clear I'm saving my tears for tragedies more devastating than a horror movie being remade HERE. Let me also be honest and admit that I get a kick out of watching supposedly broad-minded horror fans stomp their feet and get all Harper Valley P.T A. puritanical whenever a new one is announced. Sorry, nothing is more comical than a person in a zombie T-shirt crying about the death of originality. Greedy Hollywood is "out of ideas" that, or maybe they just know that pious bubble-dwellers will promote their film ad nauseum by bitching about it non-stop for a year…and then see it anyway. Can you believe that somebody had the gall to remake SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT? How can anyone hope to improve upon that fine piece of cinematic artistry? Don't get me wrong, I adore SNDN but a lot of my affection for it is because it is crass, disrespectful and mocks propriety. It's not a movie that would clutch its pearls and say "Well, I never!" at the thought of being remade. It was born to step on toes.

If you are appalled by remakes you better not watch SILENT NIGHT (2012); not only does it use a previously existing movie as a springboard to tell its story, it brazenly lifts swatches of content from fellow maligned remakes! Still teary-eyed about the MY BLOODY VALENTINE redo? Well here comes JAIME KING and a small town atmosphere to pour salt on your wounds! Still throwing darts at that ROB ZOMBIE poster because he successfully burned every copy of JOHN CARPENTER's masterpiece in existence? Here comes that no good MALCOLM McDOWELL and he's brought expressive color filters and light flares with him! That's gotta sting. Never mind that the first two SNDN's, long out of print, have been released at a reduced price to coincide with this differently titled movie's release, this abomination was built to ruin everybody's innocent memories! How will we ever go on?

SILENT NIGHT is a fine modern slasher. It has an exceedingly likable lead in KING and even though it's lame on occasion, its coal black sense of humor easily wins out in the end. They did a superior job making the Santa killer look menacing and there are more than a couple inspired kills. Granted, some of the nods to the original work better than others. It's always nice during the holidays to see someone impaled on antlers, but they needed to hire a much gnarlier dude to play phony-comatose grandpa. The guy they chose could play a patriarch on a nighttime soap! Look, I LOVE Christmas horror films and regardless of this flick's origin, it's a welcome addition to my collection. It's too soon to say if it will become part of my seasonal rotation but if I had to guess I'd say, "Who am I kidding? Yes." It's a crisp breezy romp and I must put a star on its tree for not shying away from killing a bratty kid who asked for it. I'll always favor the orginal's more personal story focusing on the forging of a psychopath, but there's room in my stocking for this approach too. I won't over sell it because I'm bias as hell but if you're into killer Santas movies than it's a must see all the way. In fact, I'm hoping it follows its inspiration's lead and spews out many sequels for years to come. Yes, SEQUELS! Groans of disapproval are music to my ears.

Name That Trauma:: Reader Mike T. on a Phantom Finger in a Trunk

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hello,

I love your website and would like to post a trauma to Name That Trauma. Here it is:

I read a story in the early to mid '70s that haunts me to this day. It may have been part of an Alfred Hitchcock short story anthology. I've searched in vain on the net for the title and that's what I'm seeking here.

The story had to do with a man who has a large storage trunk in his room. Either the trunk was there when he moved in or he inherited it. Not sure. Most of this story lost in the mist of my memory except this — there was a finger in the trunk. Every night, it would poke out of the trunk and wiggle around. The man would lie in bed and watch it and then rush over, throw open the lid and see no sign of a finger. This went on night after night. Finally, the man, at the edge of madness, opens the lid, gets in the trunk and shuts the lid. I don't remember if he somehow locks himself in or not. I think that maybe the trunk is locked the next day and taken somewhere, perhaps to a trash dump. That part is very vague but the finger part sticks in my mind.

I would read and reread this story in our suburban living room — during the day, mind you — and would be terrified. But I'd keep rereading it. At night, in bed, I'd stare at my night stand and, in the glare of my nightlight, wait for a finger to appear.

A fantastic story that I'd love to reread yet again. Anyone anywhere have the title?

Krampus Funhouse!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

There are ten differences in these two images. Can you find them? After you are done, print one out, color it with crayons and hang it on your front door to let Krampus know you appreciate his hard work this season!

Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings

Posted on By unkle lancifer

As someone who was not a big fan of WRONG TURN 3, I have absolutely no business watching WRONG TURN 4: BLOODY BEGINNINGS and yet I broke down and did just that. I can resist a snowbound horror flick for only so long. Even knowing that Part 4 was directed by the same person who delivered Part 3 could not deter me from plowing ahead. Sure it took me over a year to finally succumb but the only person I was fooling by staying away was myself. I jumped in with the lowest expectations to insure the lowest level of aggravation and my only humble request from this direct-to-DVD sequel was that it delivered snow and people being murdered horribly in said snow. It gave me that.

The best part of WRONG TURN 4 is the opening prologue that depicts the psychotic, inbred troika of hillbillies as young-ins rampaging through a sanatorium. It's kind of like the MUPPET BABIES version of WRONG TURN, and how often do you get to see mutant killers in the halcyon days of their youth? This part of the movie brought back fond memories of THE DEVIL TIMES FIVE, as the trio take down their adult opponents with somewhat hilarious sadistic glee. If only the movie had continued with the killers at this age it might have ended up as something special. Instead we jump into the future and things slide quickly downhill.

Here's where I cast blame on the casting. This has been on my mind a lot lately and probably due to the wonderful people that starred in THE PACT. As much as I can enjoy hating on folks and delighting in their demises, I do have to find them at least somewhat bearable in order to properly get into a film. They can't all be relentless ciphers, which is the case here. I hope it's not because I'm curmudgeonly and resent whippersnappers. I think I just have a problem with a certain level of douch-iness. WRONG TURN 4's douche level is off the charts. I'm not kidding when I say the "monsters" are far easier to relate to than their prey. I found a scene where one of the cannibals is quickly aided by his siblings when he starts choking on a piece of flesh, much more affective then any of the exchanges between the potential victims. Then again, I do favor freaks and the make-up work here is pretty sweet. Perhaps the casting of ONE grounding human presence would have helped but maybe I'm missing the point.

If you want anything resembling artistry, look elsewhere but if you like snow, decapitations and are somewhat soothed by that which is aggressively disposable, here ya go. There are no bragging rights if you hate it. Asking a movie like WRONG TURN 4 to be a good movie is like asking your cat to drive you to the airport. If you happen to be a Cylon and are prone to wanting to erase humanity from existence, this cast will only exasperate those feelings. BUT yes, you do get some cool looking mutants, yes, they do really sick things to the boring people and, yes, they do it in an isolated snow framed setting. Granted the locale could have easily been used to better effect but hey, it's serviceable.

I take full responsibility for my actions. I do not regret watching this cruddy movie nor do I desire those 87 minutes of my life back. I can think of far more horrible fates than sitting on my beloved couch covered in a blanket drinking some something and watching this half-assed sequel that worked my last nerve but at least didn't shy away from being depraved. In a way it was exactly what I needed; something merely watchable as a palate-cleansing break from the films that I care about. Is that wrong? I say trash makes the gold shine brighter! In any case, I liked it better than Part 3. At least it had snow and I'm now confident that I can easily avoid Part 5. Or can I?

Name That Trauma:: Reader Lucas on a Baby Who Grows…Fangs!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Here's my kindertrauma!

I have pretty vivid memories of being so scared by an animated short that I would run and hide under the dining room table whenever it came on… right in the middle of Sesame Street! (or something… this would have been circa 1990 so any show with sketches could have had it… maybe Eureka's Castle?) Of course I never just didn't watch it… what is it about these things where you just have to keep your eyes glued???

Anyway, the sketch was this animated, grumpy-looking kid banging a drum and singing about how lame it was that his baby brother was so cute and got all the attention all the time. At the end of each verse, the kid would start singing about how it would be great if he WASN'T so cute, and wrap up with a wish: "I wish my baby brother had fangs, fangs, FANGS!" And on this line it would show a picture of the baby, which would suddenly have fangs – and on each repetition of the word "fangs" it would zoom in a little closer on the baby's face, and the fangs would get a little bit bigger and grotesque. I remember getting that queasy stomach feeling as soon as the fangs appeared and then really feeling the terror build like a nail in my gut each time the kid yelled FANGS! I guess it was just too intense for my four-year-old brain.

Anyway, I really want to see it but I can't remember which show it was on and I have no way of locating the clip! Does anybody have ANY idea what I'm talking about, or am I Candle Cove-ing this one?

-Lucas

It's a Horror to Know You:: John Campopiano of Unearthed & Untold: The Path to Pet Sematary

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's a Horror to Know You: John Campopiano of Unearthed & Untold: The Path to Pet Sematary!

1. What is the first film that ever scared you?

Pet Sematary

2. What is the last film that scared you?

Paranormal Activity 3

3. Name three Horror movies that you believe are underrated.

Pumpkinhead

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch

The Brain (1988)

4. Name three horror movies that you enjoy against your better judgment.

Rawhead Rex

Rumpelstiltskin

Uncle Sam (William Lustig)

5. Send us to five places on the Internet!

Retronaught

Bad Movies.org

VHS Preservation Society

Laser Disc Vault

Miko Hughes.net

It's a Horror to Know You: Frank Browning of the Liberal Dead!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's a Horror to Know You: Frank Browning of The Liberal Dead! (Known Accomplices: Dr. Terror's Blog of Horrors, Freddy In Space, Robocop's Sad Side, Shit Movie Fest, Guts & Grog and Tales from the Batcave)

1. What is the first film that ever scared you?

It's funny that it wasn't even a horror flick per se, but The Terminator ('84) used to scare the life outta me. Specifically the third act. After TerminArnold is burned up in the exploding truck, his endoskeleton is revealed. Made me flip shit when I was a kid. Especially the hallway scene when Sarah and Reese are trying to get into the factory and the stop-motion, limping Terminator is creepily moving toward them. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! Gives me Chicken-Skin (Goose Bumps) to this very day.

Honorable Mention: Child's Play ('88) was the first actual Horror film that ever frightened me as a kid. I'm sure you get this answer quite a bit, LOL. I still remember the first time I watched it and I hate my cousin to this day for subjecting me to it. I got rid of my Teddy Ruxpin and my Cabbage Patch Doll (it was a boy one) after watching Child's Play. But I made sure and sent them to a good home so they'd be happy and not seek revenge on me in the event they did come back to life. I guess they were pleased with my decision…

2. What is the last film that scared you?

The Fourth Kind ('09). I've always been a "believe it when I see it" type of person and cautiously skeptical when comes to things like Paranormal Beings and/or Aliens but this flick freaked me out. The Juxtaposition of real(?) footage to re-enacted footage really drew me in to the story. I had a terrible time deciding which side of the screen to watch most of the time. What really got me were the voice recordings where the Aliens(?) were talking. It shook me up.

3. Name three Horror movies that you believe are underrated.

Pontypool ('08): Love Love LOVE this movie. I never hear anyone talk about this film. Makes me sad. It just seemed so original and fresh to me. It feels very "Single Set Film" to me and I love that. I watched it for the first time at like 3AM (I must've been lonely) and I was captivated from the start. I think Stephen McHattie is a very talented actor and I've always enjoyed his films. The whole premise of the movie really fascinated me.

My Soul To Take ('10): This was the most fun I've had with a Wes Craven movie in a long time. I like the premise of the film a lot. I love the urban-legend-esque prologue to the movie. It's silly but I also really like the end credit animation and music. It really stuck with me. It's just a fun lil' movie that I think should get a bit more recognition.

Splinter ('08): I thought this was a nice creature feature. I loved how visceral it was. I'd never heard of it before and discovered it on a day fueled by boredom and was very pleasantly surprised. I also really love the cast with Jill Wagner (of Wipeout fame) and Paul Costanzo (of Road Trip). Just a gross and fun time.

4. Name three horror movies that you enjoy against your better judgment.

Feast ('05): As over the top gross and goofy this movie is, I love it. It's good for a laugh. Surprisingly, I have a special adoration/weird fascination with many members of the cast, LOL. I recognized Balthazar Getty from Judge Dredd ('95), a personal favorite of mine, and was instantly entertained. I straight-up love Henry Rollins. No explanation necessary. Jason Mewes is a psycho (we actually danced together at the Monroeville Mall in Pittsburgh, PA). Krista Allen was the attractive girl that Jim Carrey approaches in the elevator in Liar Liar ('97). Clu Gulager was in the homo-erotic Nightmare on Elm Street and Return of the Living Dead. ‘Nuff said.

Galaxy of Terror ('81): One of the worst ‘Alien' Rip-Offs of all time, the nostalgia factor on this movie goes a long way. I watched it with my dad literally 25 years ago when I was just a wee lad. We struggled for years to remember the name of this movie because we both have terrible memories. Thankfully for the internet, I found the title and was again able to see this treasure once more. It's an awful movie LOL…

Night of the Lepus ('72): The nostalgia factor is also huge with this movie. I watched this movie with my grandmother (who tried to change TV channels with her calculator) every Saturday on TBS for the first 10 years of my life (or so it seemed). There's just something about extreme close-ups of blood covered bunnies running in slo-mo that makes me giggle. Oh! And it has Star Trek's Bones McCoy in it… Need I say more?

5. Send us to five places on the Internet!

The Liberal Dead – Of the fans, by the fans, for the fans. Myself and some very intelligent dudes, that I'm happy to call my friends, all contribute to this site. It's great because you get so many different takes on so many subjects. Be sure to check out our podcasts!

Dr. Terror's Blog of Horror – My Bro, Jimmy Terror, runs this site where he writes your eyes shut into the post apocalypse and prehistory of horror… He has a very fresh and informative view on new horror and a very nostalgia inducing take on classics. He's also a connoisseur of the Giallo Film Genre. Good stuff.

Back online Back on Duty – Another Bro of mine, Eric King, runs this site. While not actually dedicated to horror films, he does cover them intermittently in a very honest and amusing way, usually implementing hilarious and sexually confusing GIFs. You just have to see it.

Freddy in Space – Yet another Bro, John Squires, runs this site where he discusses horror movies in detail. He also reminds us of all the horror related merchandise that once existed, which makes our inner children giggle…

Tales From the Batcave – A good friend of mine, Mitch Reaves, runs this site with his Double-Bacon Genius Burger. He looks at films, games and just about anything else that could interest a person. A good time will be had by all…

PLEASE NOTE: You can find my artwork and/or articles on many of the sites listed.

The Owl and the Pussycat:: An Anti-trauma

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Unk here, with a weird story to tell you. The Kindertrauma Castle is empty today because we're all at a reception type party celebrating the fact that your Aunt John and I got hitched in New York a couple weeks ago. I wish you all could be there with us; although your endurance of eighties pop music would surely be tested. We had some trouble trying to decide what image to put on our invitations. It took me a bit but then I thought of the perfect thing. When I was a kid I loved the poem "The Owl and the Pussycat." It's about these two unlikely creatures teaming up, jumping on a boat and getting married. Something about it always had a calming effect on me. In fact, as a kid when the kindertraumas came a calling, I often imagined my bed was that peaceful pea green boat. To be honest, even when I was much older I'd still think of it when things got dark and shaky. The perfect image for the invitation would be an illustration of that poem. It's corny and romantic, but I have vowed to cultivate those things. The world sucks without them and I have to compensate for others.

I made no attempt to track down the precise image from the book from my youth, and if it crossed my mind to try, it did so fleetingly. The poem is surely found in a zillion kids' books, so tracking it down would be like looking for a needle in a haystack. We found a suitable image of the owl and the pussycat in their boat from a random book and we slapped it on the invites and then, because we were not through being the type of people I used to want to kill, when we got our rings made, we gaily (I'm using that word's every possible connotation) engraved one with "owl" and one with "pussycat." I know, it's a bit much but it seemed right and feel free to roll your eyes.

Anyway the other day I was walking about town, just burning off energy because the weekend ahead is big and I dread any kind of anticipation. I passed by a used bookstore I frequently walk by and I noticed something new. Out front there was a box with a sign over it that read, "Books good for one last read! 39 cents or 3 for a dollar." It was the book pound, damaged merchandise's last stop before being put to sleep in a garbage bin. Hanging out on the top of the heap doing everything but whistling, was the book from my childhood, "The Golden Treasury of Poetry" and even though I had not seen it since I was as a kid, I recognized it at once. Paging through it was like lancing a cist full of memories and, sure enough, there was the page I was looking for; the poem that has meant so much to me over the years and has been pushed to the forefront of my mind these past weeks. The price of the book happened to be exactly what I could afford. I was almost nervous buying it. The binding was broken but I had just bought clear packing tape the day before.

Walking home with that book in my hand I felt something I had not felt enough in my life and certainly not in a long time; that there was something bigger going on right beyond the page I was drawn on. Trees were throwing orange leaves on me like they cared and the wind dutifully swept litter out of my path. Once inside my house, I had the craziest idea. What if I opened the book and my name was inside? What if it actually was my exact same book from when I was a kid? It wasn't possible. I eased open the book and no, it didn't have my name inside. That would have been bonkers. Instead, in blue ink someone, somewhere, at some time had written, " Generous gift of Unk."

The higher power and me have not been on speaking terms for a while. It's kind of like when you lose a friend because you hear they're saying shit about you behind your back from unreliable sources with questionable agendas. I can't prove God exists but I can prove that he, she or most likely "it" knows exactly the perfect gift to send to a gay wedding. (No, pal, I don't mind paying 39 cents to pick up the package. I totally get that the winning $12 Powerball ticket you threw at Aunt John more than covers the tab.) From now on I will no longer give a second thought to what anyone, no matter their costume, pretends to know. I'm not interested in their convenient misinterpretations of what they thought was written or said before they were born. For now on I'm only listening to what comes right out of the horse's mouth. Screw the middleman, go-betweens are for amateurs. As you read this I'm at a wedding party with at least one guest I had not planned on inviting. Shit! That reminds me! I forgot to put "Like a Prayer" on the wedding playlist! Consider that remedied.

Silent Night Evil Funhouse

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey, it's BLACK CHRISTMAS sneaking around with an alternate title! There are ten (I hope) differences between these two posters, can you spot them all?