kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Name That Trauma:: Reader Jack P on Santa Striking Spot with a Spoon

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Dear Kindertrauma,

This one is coming all the way from Paris, France! I have been trying to find this movie for ten years now, and it is starting to kill me.

There's a killer Santa in it (at least, I think), which should have made my quest easier but unfortunately hasn't since I've checked all the christmas horror movies I know and still haven't found anything. Anyway, I just remember this one scene.

There's a kid, blonde I think, hiding under a kitchen table with an old telephone, as the killer Santa enters the house. The boy's dog gets killed by the guy with a wooden spoon, while the kid tries to remain silent under the table. Aaaand, that's it. That's all I remember. I've been obsessed with this scene ever since, and I hope you or the Kindertrauma readers will set me free.

Seriously though, it's killing me.

Thanks

!

Traumafessions :: Reader Mike C. on Psycho

Posted on By unkle lancifer

When I was a kid I spent a lot of time at my grandparents house in Midwest City OK. PSYCHO had been re-released into theaters about a year before it was to premier on local TV. I recall the previews being morbidly humorous and more terrifying than anything I had previously imagined. When it was to be shown on television there was quite a buzz in the household. My aunt, only a few years older than me, was eager to see it.

When the broadcast came I was declared too young. I was very disappointed and protested that I was indeed old enough to watch this movie. I was probably six years old. My grandpa told me I could watch until I hid my eyes. If I had to hide my eyes then I had to go to bed. The shower scene was awesome, but didn't make me hide my eyes. Arbogast didn't bother me a bit, the scene was too weird to be frightening. But the tour through the Bates house was really giving me the heebie jeebies; by this time I was halfway up the stairs, watching the movie through the bannister rails.

When I met Mrs. Bates it was too damned late. Hiding my eyes wasn't going to help at that point. The epilogue seemed overdone, but I really liked the last scene of Norman and the shot of the car being pulled from the pond. I made it through the whole movie. This was to begin a lifelong devotion to the joys of horror, although I did not sleep well for several years after. I saw the film again recently in a theater, and found it remarkably dated particularly the soundtrack (which I revere) seemed way overwrought. Oh well, I still remember the first viewing fondly.

The Innkeepers (2011)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Though the overall tone is more jovial, THE INKEEPERS is built much like TI WEST's last effort THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL. It's a long sturdy corridor with a dark trap door waiting at the end and if you want your dessert, you're going to have to clean your plate. I doubt this sits well with every horror fan but I appreciate the elbow room on this ride. It's like an old fashioned wooden roller coaster; you may not fear for your life but how can you resist the view? About midway through THE INKEEPERS, I had the weirdest thought ever. I thought that even if the horror never came, even if this movie was just the tale of two co-workers working at an inn that's seen better days, I'd be fine with that. That's how well done WEST's set up is and that's how much I liked the characters. I was all prepared to text the ghosts and tell them not to bother to show up. Dear ghosts, since you're tardy to the party anyway, how's ‘bout we just reschedule?

It's not every day that I prefer living humans to shrieking ghouls. As much as I dug PAT HEALY's turn as aloof slacker Luke and KELLY McGILLIS as an atypical, non-wacky singed on the edges psychic, it's easily saucer-eyed, quirky-dork SARA PAXTON as Claire who runs away with the show entire. She's such a fucking genius that she transforms a short bit about taking a bag of trash to the dumpster into the most brilliant thing I've seen in eons. (Truly, I caught up with several comedies recently and nothing and nobody made me snort out loud like PAXTON.) She'll probably read too waif/adorable for some but I can't remember the last time I viewed a performance so effortlessly egoless and effervescent. PAXTON's Claire is a serious breath of fresh air forgoing heroics and martyrdom for something more akin to Nancy Drew by way of THE GHOST AND MR CHICKEN. Having now met Claire/PAXTON, I feel I can finally get over the death of DON KNOTTS and move on.

If you want to stare into the mouth of hell, have your sensibilities pushed to their limit and be left crawling on all fours fearing for your very soul, this is not your jam but if you're interested in a breezy, semi-spooky good time then you're all set. For me, when WEST finally does decide to trade deliberate abstinence for unbridled ruckus horror, he's not entirely successful. Our ghosts when they do barge in, are mildly mundane. One is wearing a been-there done-that wedding dress and the other is snatched directly from THE SENTINEL. It's an interesting idea to show these guys as starkly and clearly as he does after so much under the table footsie-play but on a gut level I would have preferred them to remain more obtuse and ethereal. I guess that's the minus side of being so adept at orchestrating anticipation, it's hard for the payoff not to be a smidge anticlimactic. That said, it's not the destination but the journey that is relevant and there are certainly enough unnerving moments to recommend THE INKEEPERS particularly to ghost story fans.

THE INKEEPERS is now available on VOD and should see some more theater play come February. It's not the scariest horror flick of the year but I think it's one of the better more entertaining ones anyway. Yes! I'm thinking that horror films have more to offer than just scare value alone! I'm not sure if I like that idea but there it is just sitting in my head. THE INKEEPERS (not unlike HOUSE OF THE DEVIL ) expertly collects apprehension like honey from a hive and I don't think you need to be stung all over the face to sense how sweet and vitalizing it is. Better yet, if a better scene of a person taking a bag of trash out to the dumpster exists anywhere I'll eat my hat and I'll eat yours too. Now, somebody in Hollywood, I need an OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE remake starring SARA PAXTON and EMMA STONE in the can by this time next year; all I'm asking for is a producer credit.

Gone Fishing (?)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: Happy day after Christmas! Did you know that Kindertrauma has posted every day for the last four years and then some? It's true! So guess what? Aunt John and I have decided to take a break for a bit to go all zen and stare at walls and maybe fish for Humanoids from the deep! Keep sending in your Traumafessions (your stories about what scared you as a kid), keep sending in your Name That Traumas! (your stories about the stuff that scared you as a kid that you don't remember the title of) and please make sure to "like" us on our Facebook page which you can access through that Facebook link to the right! We'll be back!! We promise (unless something horrible happens).

Traumafessions :: Unk on The Little Drummer Boy

Posted on By unkle lancifer

A ways back we received a traumafession regarding THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY (HERE)- specifically about the scene where the title character witnesses the horrific murder of his parents. Although personally my heart was filing its nails during that incident, it did break into a zillion Legos during a scene that occurs later in the program.

I am talking about the moment that Baba the lamb is run over by a chariot. I think it may be the worst thing that ever happened in the history of ever and even thinking about it now makes me want throw my computer out the window and scream to the heavens like WESLEY SNIPES in JUNGLE FEVER. To me, Baba's death was more tragic than a 1,000 Bambi's moms. Have you ever seen that Baba guy? He is adorable. Especially when he is dancing around on his little hind lamby legs. Naturally, I'd rather throw myself into a volcano than see something bad happen to Baba.

When you are a kid the time period between when Baba gets plowed down and the point where he is miraculously brought back to life lasts eons. In reality, it takes less than five minutes for the little baby Jesus to conclude that the kid's drum playing (and heart) are decent enough to splash some resurrection mojo on his poor dead friend.

For some reason the Bible neglects to include the story of THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY and I'm guessing it's because the song it's based on didn't exist until 1941. I suppose that will do for an excuse. They should really add it though because it's got most Bible stories beat because it can't be misinterpreted to spread evil and it doesn't talk smack about delicious shellfish.

THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY ends with the very clear statement that hate, ALL hate, is and always will be wrong. I like when stories cut to the chase and don't include a bunch of random rules and sloppy propaganda. In the end the Little Drummer Boy and I are so psyched that Baba is alive that we both can't help dumping our free-floating elephantine hatred of all things human. Well, most of it anyway, I still wouldn't mind seeing that chariot driver dragged into the middle of town and his smug puppet head sliced off with a rusty scythe. Careful driving this Christmas Eve kids and hold on tight to your lambs!

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

When I was a very little kid, I stole a pack of Dentyne gum from the grocery store. It was so easy- I just put it in my pocket as my Mother was purchasing groceries. The act itself was thrilling. I could not believe that I could think of something like that, do it and then bask in the rewards. I was interacting with the world and I existed. Hubris was destined to trip me up though. I shared my accomplishment with my older brother and after enjoying some of my gum and throwing the wrappers into a bush, my brother promptly snitched (Life lesson #1: Happiness lasts longer when not shared with others.)

So now I was in trouble, big trouble. I had to wait in the stairwell as my mother spun the punishment wheel in her head and determined my fate. As I stood in the hall crying and praying for the power to turn back time (Life Lesson #2: No amount of praying will result in God granting you magical powers) the two cops from ADAM-12 (MARTIN MILNER & KENT McCORD) came into the kitchen and began to discuss my fate with my mother. I saw them and I heard them, I swear. I was trapped in a whirlwind of guilt and horror; I was obviously going to be arrested and sent to jail. I wasn't a "good" guy, I was a "bad" guy! Oh, the shame!

Time would reveal that no, the ADAM 12 guys were not in my home at all. I had just had, you know, a visual and audio hallucination of some sort. I guess my brain was not formed enough yet to draw the lines between my imagination and reality (this would also explain the night that I saw the Easter Bunny in the living room.) I bring up this story because while watching the Finnish film RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE some invisible elf in my head dragged it out of storage and shoved it center stage. The movie may look like a killer Santa flick but in reality, it's more about being a kid, and finding a way to overcome feelings of being "bad" while gaining some confidence about your abilities and position in the world. If you watch this one expecting gore, explosive action and big scares, you might feel shortchanged so I'm saying don't do that.

RARE EXPORTS introduces us to a kid named Pietari who has gone and done something worse than stealing Dentyne. He and a friend, while snooping around an excavation, left a hole in the fence that contains his father's reindeer herd and now something has obliterated his family's livelihood. Pietari's guilt cannot be contained and even though he has been sworn to secrecy about the incident, he knows that Santa sees all and will punish him severely. This is made even clearer as all the local kids about town begin to disappear. Pietari's father captures an elderly man who he thinks may be responsible for their predicament but Pietari is convinced that the creepy guy is all-knowing Santa himself. The truth is actually stranger and more fantastic than Pietari can imagine so I won't ruin it here.

This is a highly original film that plays with your expectations and stokes your imagination at every turn. If you a looking for a different type of holiday viewing experience then this is it. It hits a very unusual and singular note by being much darker and creepier than your standard family Christmas movie and yet much more whimsical, nostalgic and ultimately uplifting (literally in one scene) than your usual Christmas horror fare. Director JALMARI HELANDER is compared to SPIELBERG, JEUNET and DANTE in blurbs on the back of the DVD and I can see that, but with the frozen landscape, zero female presence and block of ice excavation, I was thinking hey this is like a kid's version of THE THING! Okay, well, maybe that doesn't fit exactly but you know how my brain works. In any case, RARE EXPORTS is a great addition to my pile of required Christmas holiday viewing. Really the only thing that it is missing is a cameo from the guys from ADAM-12.

"The Present" (2005)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I had awful dreams last night and I blame the segment "The Present" from KAZUO UMEZ'S HORROR THEATER VOL 3. directed by YUDAI YAMAGUCHI (VERSUS, BATTLEFIELD BASEBALL.) "The Present" is a Japanese killer Santa story based on an influential manga. Honestly, I don't know much about mangas but if anything involves a killer Santa, I want to know about it and I want it to be a part of my life. "The Present" opens with a little girl named Yuko having an awful dream herself. It's Christmas night and her parents console her by informing her that as long as she is good, she has nothing to worry about and Santa will protect her from harm. If she's bad though, she is screwed!

Flash-forward into the future and Yuko is now a young adult. She appears to be a bit of a wallflower compared to her friends but she agrees to travel with a group to a hotel to celebrate Christmas. Arriving at the hotel, she begins to stumble across crap featured in her childhood nightmare. In fact, the hotel room she stays in is decorated with assorted objects from her youth. Yuko is not feeling it and wants to go home but her friends convince her to stay and then her boyfriend convinces her to have sex. Apparently having sex on Christmas angers Santa and now Yuko and all her pals have to be butchered and fed to the reindeer. Wow, Yuko's parents were not kidding.

"The Present" is doused in off-putting colors and heavily utilizes disorienting angles and flash cuts. It's made even more surreal by the fact that it is filmed on some kind of HD video that reminds me of DR. WHO. There's plenty of blood and gore running through this simple vignette, but the real creeps are the result of the psycho-moralistic undercurrent. It's kind of like being stuck in one of those Christian haunted houses that tries to scare the sin out of you. I can't say crazy Santa is completely effective either. He's got a very impressive throwing star on a chain which he uses to yank off assorted limbs, but for some reason he can't be bothered to deliver a proper scowl. Maybe this dude looks scary in Japan, but to me he looks like a bored delivery guy.

Assuming that nobody will ever watch this, I'm going get spoiler-y. As if the character of Yuko had not been disparaged enough, we come to find out that she was never the innocent we knew and was just pretending to be "pure" as a way to manipulate those around her. It turns out she doesn't like Christmas, does not want to spend Christmas with her parents, smokes cigarettes and sneakily smiles to herself when she's pretending to be coy. Personally I'm still not convinced that she deserves to have her brains scooped out but hey, I'm a liberal. It's not surprising that the movie ends up being the dream that young Yuko had at the start. What is surprising is that young Yuko takes credit for squashing the brain of the "bad" future Yuko who is yet to be and that her parents rejoice in the fact that she will always be "gentle".

Well, I'm happy I checked this one out even though I think it's crazy making and causes bad dreams. "The Present" is so dogmatic that it ends up revealing the most horrible side of Santa I've ever seen. Turns out he is just a tool to scare and bribe kids into listening to their parents and submiting to their bourgeois values. Who knew?

Black Christmas (2006)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I'm weirdly proud of my Christmas horror movie collection. Every December I drag out the same rag-tag pile of VHS and DVDs and decorate the house by lining them up on a shelf. When I first viewed 2006's BLACK CHRISTMAS, I felt only disappointment and frustration. They got the whole thing wrong, I thought and what a sack of horrible choices and bad ideas. I never really expected the remake to hold a candle to the original but with the director of the underrated WILLARD remake (GLEN MORGAN) cracking the whip, I saw no reason why it couldn't be passable entertainment. Completist that I am, I ended up buying the DVD anyway at a used joint four years ago for four dollars (the price sticker is still on it!) and much to my embarrassment and chagrin, I have witnessed it evolve over the past couple of years into a guilt inspiring holiday staple for me. Honestly and perhaps sadly, as I write this, I cannot wait for this year's secret eggnog-soaked rendezvous with the film.

Don't cry, I'm not going to try to sell you on the idea that this is a good film. It's crushingly convoluted, it makes little logical sense, it's lethally disorganized and it's about as scary as a kitten crawling out of a stocking. Even so, it's hardly an amateurish effort in the technical department. The cinematography is sharp, sometimes glowingly gorgeous and the snowed-in claustrophobic set-up along with the late SHIRLEY WALKER's sometimes jingly, sometimes ominous score does create a snug little nest of freaky holiday ambience. I know that sounds like cold comfort when you are dealing with a movie that insults your intelligence by throwing snowballs of nonsense at your head on a regular basis, but a movie like this needn't be taken so seriously.

It's true, I have decided to officially pardon this ill-conceived mutation based on two reasons. First, regardless of how much of a failure BLACK CHRISTMAS (‘06) may be, it is still a Christmas-themed horror movie and therefore deserves some leeway. When held up against the original it does look buffoonish, but amongst a mini subgenre which includes SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT!, ELVES and DON'T OPEN ‘TIL CHRISTMAS, it's hardly the runt of the litter. Fact is, with the exception of BOB CLARK's classic and a precious few others, Christmas horror movies have a tendency to be a bit dopey. It's an important part of their tacky appeal. Secondly, like many other movies that juxtapose the shmaltziest holiday with rampant depravity, I believe BLACK CHRISTMAS (‘06) operates as and can be considered complete and utter camp. I don't throw out that word lightly but it's unavoidable here. Appearing in cartoon form on THE SIMPSONS, JOHN WATERS once identified camp as, "Anything ludicrously tragic or tragically ludicrous" and that fits this flick like a mitten.

Tone-deaf BLACK CHRISTMAS (‘06) has much more than just its holiday setting shoving it into the territory of camp. It's visually excessive (so many wild garish blinking colors!), it randomly churns out treacly tunes, it's shamelessly histrionic in places and it centers about a nearly indistinguishable cast of nasal, cell phone stroking, self-proclaimed "spoiled bitch" sorority sisters, a house mother played by a comedienne of a certain age, a long lost sister portrayed by the director's fierce husky voiced, playing for the balcony wife and not one, but two ill-conceived not very threatening killers; one with yellow (really chartreuse) skin and the other a very unconvincing dude in drag. If this is not a smoking smorgasbord of clueless camp, I don't know what is. Furthermore and importantly, as cartoon-y and broad as all of this is, the kills, acted out by lame maniacs or not, are surprisingly mean spirited and extravagantly vicious (at least in the unrated version).

To fully appreciate the depth of the bungle you have to examine the DVD's special features. It is there that you will find that all involved were sincere and unaware of what they were constructing. If we were talking about a knowing parody that would be something else altogether but BLACK CHRISTMAS (‘06) is straight faced and on the level. Its unbelievably burlesque back story is designed to be taken seriously as is the film's constant drum banging to alert us of its heavy handed "family bonds" theme. I don't mean to mock the efforts of those involved, I'm just pointing out that this level of delusion is imperative when creating a worthwhile mess. There's nothing worse than a knowingly ironic, consciously camp film and this clearly is not one. This is uncalculated camp- the best kind. The sad thing is, if you ripped out the preposterous killers and added some patient down time with the victims things would be merry.

It is with the above reasoning and the honest assessment of my private viewing habits that I have come to the conclusion that I like and am in no way angry with BLACK CHRISTMAS (‘06). Being angry at BLACK CHRISTMAS (‘06) would be like being mad at a hot dog for not being a Dachshund. Unlike other remake disasters, this exaggerated misfire, if you have a sense of humor about it, will provide a howl of a good time particularly in the month of December, when the days grow shorter and the whiskey bottle grows emptier.

As I said, I'm not trying to convince anyone to enjoy this fiasco too. It's just that for me, regardless of the film's misguided nature, the end result delivers the type of somewhat silly somewhat nasty entertainment that I once spent a lot of time trying to track down on VHS. I'd love to continue carrying the torch of the outraged fanboy who feels unreasonably violated but I can't. (Henceforth I will simply reserve my righteous indignation for the soul sucking FOG remake. ) This movie may be goofy but it's got multiple impalement deaths and it churns out dense and hokey CHRISTMAS atmosphere non-stop. Yes, the story is full of holes and kind of blows but it's a good looking film that features wonderfully unlikable, sassy, up and comers whose deaths you can happily route for. I know it's not very dignified but I'd rather be accused of bad taste then be a hypocrite. It's trash like this that makes better horror films so worth the wait. I'm too old to afford to sit around a couple decades for the sardonic appreciation of this movie to become en vogue and so here I am opening up this present to myself early.