Author: unkle lancifer
There's Something NOT in The Fog
Oh THE FOG, even when I don't feel like watching anything I can still watch THE FOG. As soon as JOHN CARPENTER's haunting score begins, forget it, I know I'm going to be transfixed until the closing credits float by. It's just such a splendid ghost story and the atmosphere is so convincingly dank I can actually smell the salty air. (In fact, I feel like if my air conditioner should ever break down I could just put in my FOG disc and it could cool the room with comparable results.) CARPENTER wisely calls forth two of the great gods of ghostly storytelling here, both H.P. LOVECRAFT and ARTHUR MACHEN are given nods, and you can almost sense them looking down upon the proceedings with approval. CARPENTER's impeccable use of shadow and the widescreen frame are present throughout and there's a keen sense of place that is uncanny and rare. If it only existed, who amongst you wouldn't want to take a trip to Antonio Bay?
To me, THE FOG shimmers and glows on all fronts but during a recent viewing, I was particularly impressed by the respectful way it treats its multitude of characters. As written by one of the greatest collaborative horror teams of all time, JOHN CARPENTER and the late great DEBRA HILL, we are shown a symbiotic multi-generational community of equals who all play a believable part in overthrowing a supernatural menace. No character is ever shown as being of lesser value than another and even though one might want to automatically cram TOM ATKINS into the role of "hero," the truth is, his actions and screen time are comparable to nearly everybody else around him.
If you think about it, this approach is rather unusual in the world of horror. Usually you'll find some kind of forced drama or conflict between the characters and almost always some folks are presented as "good" and other folks (usually those who are killed) are presented as "bad." In 1980, while everyone was busy trying to duplicate CARPENTER and HILL's previous theatrical horror effort HALLOWEEN, JOHN and DEBRA seemed to have been making a great effort to work against their earlier, now more common design. Hell, we're even given some elbow room to sympathize with the vengeful zombie ghosts causing all the ruckus. You have to admit, the betrayed, leprous crew of the "Elizabeth Dane" do have a valid, honest to goodness beef. Yes, they mean to kill six people but from what we're shown in the movie, it's nothing personal.
There is much to be found in THE FOG, I notice new things every time I watch it but what impresses me the most is what's NOT in THE FOG, how it smoothly twists and snakes itself around genre clichés. This is my favorite type of film, its creators know what they are doing and are committed to telling a story rather than randomly stitching together scenes designed to appeal to its target audience's base expectations. Let's say we turn on the lighthouse and take a closer look at what's NOT in THE FOG:
Young Andy is NOT shown as a precocious brat with his head hypnotized by the latest gadget. He is NOT shown as incapable of sitting still long enough to listen to a story.
Mr. Machen, an older gentleman, is NOT shown as an object of ridicule and scorn. He is NOT presented as crazy or suffering from dementia.
Stevie Wayne is a single mother who is NOT shown as harried or incomplete. She is NOT shown longing for a male suitor.
Dan has a thing for Stevie. He is NOT depicted as a sleazy stalker just because he knows a good thing when he hears one.
Elizabeth Solley is NOT judged for having sex. She is NOT depicted as someone without aspirations or an inner life. The camera does NOT linger on her famous boobage.
Nick is NOT in his early twenties. We are NOT awarded gratuitous visuals of his wash board abs. He is NOT wearing designer jeans. He is NOT a douche.
Kathy Williams is a woman of a certain age in a position of power. Miraculously, great effort is NOT made to depict her as a bitch.
Nancy is Kathy's assistant, she is NOT shown as an incompetent moron.
Father Malone is a religious man who is NOT painted as corrupt, mustache twirling hypocrite.
Nick is NOT seen as soft just because he cares about the well being of his friends. Elizabeth is NOT shown to be unaffected by death.
This black guy is NOT used for comic relief.
Mrs. Kobritz is a babysitter, she is NOT sixteen years old.
These people are NOT shown to suddenly have incredible fighting skills when encountering zombie ghosts.
Our heroes are NOT depicted as unfazed by supernatural attack.
Blake does NOT talk your ear off.
Father Malone does NOT say things like, "Leper me entertain you bitch!" or, "Church is in session Blake, first sermon is your ass on the collection plate!" during the film's finale.
The ending is NOT happy. (But it sure is awesome!)
People are NOT always important in horror movies but they're always important in GOOD horror movies. Am I bonkers for thinking there is a correlation between a filmmaker's understanding of the people they depict on screen and their level of understanding of those filling the chairs in the audience? THE FOG is laudable for its high regard towards its characters, regardless of age or sex. (Please notice that regard is NOT born from political correctness but from genuine interest.) I don't mean to oversell you here. in a way, the characterizations I've mentioned are merely sketches but they are sketches without condescension or disdain and as far as I can see, that's menthol fresh.
This FOG also pulsates with an exemplary awareness and reverence toward the past that is NOT hip by today's standards. This FOG is also NOT too butch to ask its literary influences for directions.
I've heard some describe THE FOG as "dated" and perhaps they're right. It certainly brings to my mind an approach to horror storytelling sadly left far behind (you need only watch the 2005 remake to get a crystal clear view of just how far we have NOT come.) Speaking for myself, I will never NOT love JOHN CARPENTER's THE FOG, and it will never NOT rank high on my list of all time favorites. What's in it is amazing and what's NOT in it is even more so.
Traumafessions :: Joshua Grannell (a.k.a. Peaches Christ), Writer/Director of ALL ABOUT EVIL on the Charms of Leatherface and Freddy!
I think my earliest memory of truly being traumatized by a movie experience had to be seeing a VHS rental of the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE at an elementary school birthday party. I have a distinct memory of this kiddie party being held in a finished basement where the parents were upstairs while fourth-graders played party games below, like pin the tail on the donkey and seven minutes in heaven. Anyhow, we stuck in this tape and I knew right away that this was something very adult, that we shouldn't be watching. The opening flashing images felt gritty and real in a way that movies hadn't before. It was exhilarating. The corpse shot at the end of the credits sequence terrified and fascinated me. As the movie continued to play the other kids got bored and ran around doing other things. I sat and watched the movie. The whole thing. It was the most upsetting, horrific thing I'd ever experienced and I loved it so much. All of it! I couldn't stop thinking about Leatherface, his mask, his family, his chainsaw. I drew pictures of him in class, thought about what (or who) he and his father were having for dinner, and if they'd ever get caught. I don't think I was truly convinced it wasn't real. I think it may have changed my life.
Shortly thereafter a trip to the video shop took on new meaning. How could I convince my mom to allow me to rent completely inappropriate things? She'd protest and not let me get what I wanted, but I launched a campaign. One weekend, my little brother and I stayed with our aunt and she took us to the video store where I was able to pull the wool over her eyes and convince her that we'd seen THE EXORCIST and CUJO before, even though we hadn't. I think I picked movies based on their cover art and these two looked real good, especially CUJO. Shortly after THE EXORCIST began my aunt went to bed and my brother and I stayed up and watched both movies. Again, captivated and terrified. They were effective and I loved that feeling of being so effectively frightened by something. I soon became obsessed with these films as well and knew I had to seek out more STEPHEN KING, and movies about Catholic scary shit.
I came back from that weekend at my aunt's and proudly boasted to my mother that my brother and I watched R-rated movies. This seemed to piss her off, but also worked to wear her down. The next time we were at the video store and I begged and begged for A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, and she relented. It had just come out on video and I knew it involved a killer with finger-knives. I HAD TO SEE IT! Well, we got home and popped it in that night and I worked myself up into a frenzy of fear from the very start. The opening titles alone! I can now see why title designs are so important to me. They set the whole tone. I almost had to turn it off. Later on, at the point where those razor fingers come up slowly out of the water in the bathtub, I thought I was having a heart attack. No lie! I thought I might die. Finishing the film felt like a triumph and my love affair with Leatherface sorta ended and Freddy became my new long-time childhood mistress. I was obsessed with Freddy. I wanted to hang out with Freddy. I was in love with Freddy. All these years later, I look back on those formative traumas and can see how important they were. I'm still in love with Freddy, the ROBERT ENGLUND one.
UNK SEZ: Thanks JOSHUA/PEACHES, for the super excellent traumafession! I should also thank you for creating ALL ABOUT EVIL; I swear this may be the first time in my and Aunt John's four hundred year old marriage where we are both equally enthusiastic about seeing the same movie!
Kids, make sure you check out ALL ABOUT EVIL's official site HERE so that you can see when it's coming to your neck of the woods! This fantastic flick not only stars the incomparable NATASHA LYONNE but also showcases our heroes CASSANDRA PETERSON (ELVIRA, of course!) and MINK STOLE (Who, once upon a time, I saw on Philadelphia's South street. I asked her for her autograph and she was sweet as hell and gave it to me and didn't even punch me like some celebrities might!)
Above all else check out the trailer for ALL ABOUT EVIL below; if it doesn't stroke your appetite for hilarity fueled mayhem then you really need to reevaluate your existence… pronto! Seriously silly rabbits, GO SEE THIS MOVIE, otherwise it means you're just trying not to have fun on purpose!
STOP THE PRESSES! Need more PEACHES in your diet? Allow me to recommend PEACHES' super fine horror and cult themed blog which you can stumble into HERE! You guys are going to love the four-part article on Italian horror by ROBERT BARBER and you'll also find insightful film reviews and updates on PEACHES' actions and whereabouts! Go PEACHES!
Kinder-News :: SPLICE Sequel Scrapped!
Regardless of its mostly positive critical reception it looks like plans for a SPLICE sequel are now being put on hold due to its lackluster box office receipts. The project tentatively titled SPLICE 2: DREN IN THE CITY was, until recently, on the fast track for a summer 2011 release. Insiders say the shutdown is for the best as early scripts, which involved genetic hybrid "Dren" traveling to Abu Dhabi to shop for shoes, were deemed by many to be in bad taste. One scene in particular, which found the celebrated chimera escorted to safety from an angry mob by a group of Muslim women, was deemed particularly objectionable. In the unfilmed scene, the sexy genetic mutation was to thank her rescuers profusely with chirps only to have the group of women lift up their burqas to expose mutant legs identical to those of Dren. How audiences would have reacted to such a controversial display is perhaps best left to the imagination. SPLICE fans may be confused as to how Dren, who not only changed sexes but also died in the first film, could shop for shoes anywhere much less Abu Dhabi. When asked to explain the inconsistency scriptwriter DYLAN McDILLWEED spelt "time machine" with Scrabble chips and then sprouted wings and flew away.
Black Water (2007)
When I was little my brothers and I used to play a game we called "hot lava." To play the game, you simply pretend that your orange wall-to-wall shag carpeting is hot lava. You can climb and walk on the couch, the coffee table or any bureau or shelf you can reach but you can't let your feet touch the floor. If you're feeling adventurous you can throw books or sofa cushions down to make a path/walkway but if you should ever touch the ground with your feet, that's it…you're ash. Obviously this is the funnest, most challenging game ever invented so if you don't have orange shag wall-to-wall carpet, maybe you should invest in some today and check it out.
Wait a minute, my spell-check thingy is trying to tell me that "funnest" isn't a word. Are you serious? Would someone please make that a word already? It's frickin' 2010.
Where was I? Oh yea, so I was thinking about the game "hot lava" the whole time I was watching the lil' Aussie movie with a heart of gold called BLACK WATER! BLACK WATER (2007) is the story of some folks whose boat gets tipped over by a crocodile in the mangrove swamps of Australia and they end up clinging for their lives in some trees. Every time one of the survivors tries to climb down from said trees they more often than not get chomped to shreds by the cranky croc. I know that doesn't sound like much of a plot but trust me, this movie delivers the goods and it does so in a respectable way.
Rather than "hot lava" this movie will probably remind normal viewers of the same year's ROUGE, another Aussie swamp croc flick from the guy who did WOLF CREEK. Now, I liked ROGUE so I'm not going to rag on it but BLACK WATER handles similar material with a fraction of the budget and with no help from the ever persuasive RADHA MITCHELL. The biggest distinction though is that BLACK WATER actually uses real crocs rather than CGI beasts and what a difference that makes.
Don't tell the SYFI channel (it'll break its heart!) but Mother Nature made some creatures (crocodiles for instance) so scary that they need no embellishment. Your garden variety crocodile is covered with slimy dragon scales, has piercing demon eyes and a large snarly mouth which is host to about a zillion razor sharp teeth. It really doesn't have to guzzle radioactive waste and grow seventy feet tall to kick your ass. If you've only seen the depressed kind in your local concentration camp, I mean zoo, let me tell ya it's a different story on their own turf. BLACK WATER makes use of the whole "home team advantage" thing.
I hate to make broad generalizations but since this is a positive one, indulge me. Australian horror movies tend to have a genuine connection to their land that I admire. Films as varied as THE LONG WEEKEND(1978), WOLF CREEK and especially NICOLAS ROEG's borderline horror flick WALKABOUT(1971) have such a readable reverent awe towards nature that it just feeds into your primitive primal fears about how unblinkingly arbitrary survival is. Good for you, Australia! I swear to God as soon as they invent a teleporting device I'm going to come visit you! (There's really no way I could ever spend the 14 hours on an airplane it would take to visit you from where I am now.) By the way scientists, what the hell is the hold up with teleportation? I feel like if I was a scientist I would have figured that shit out by now. Do you guys already have teleportation and you're just not sharing it?
BLACK WATER is a tight little nature hates you thriller that's unlikely to inspire fanaticism but is, all and all, a guilt free satisfying experience. You get to know the characters, you care when they die and you empathize with their shitty day from hell that destroys all their pie in the sky dreams for the future in one fatal swoop. The biggest compliment I can give this movie is the simplest one; after it was done I checked IMDb to see if the directors (DAVID NERLICH & ANDREW TRAUCKI) had done anything else. Turns out TRAUCKI has just completed a shark movie called REEF, and if someone out there only had the foresight to invent a time machine (like it would be that hard), I could be watching it right now.
Splice
Full disclosure: I adore SARAH POLLEY. If you read this here blog you're probably well aware of all my isms, schemas and bugaboos about modern cinema; my hatred of gaudy bombastic formulae and my passionate, quiet love for the idiosyncratic. It's easy to damn the movie gods and shake your fist at the sky without a solution or example of a preferred route but I happen to have an example of the preferred route and her name is SARAH POLLEY. Here is a successful, intelligent and proficient artist who takes risks and explores the fringe without catering to spectacle or vanity. She's so damn dignified, in tune and self possessed, that I just want to buy her an ice cream cone; I almost feel that she'd let me. That's a real human face you're seeing on screen, those are real human teeth, real person eyes and real human emotions. Something about SARAH POLLEY makes every other film star look like a garish vaudeville cartoon. POLLEY is the last human on Earth in a world of vampires. I AM LEGEND is based on her life. Did I mention that I LOVE SARAH POLLEY with all that is left of my charcoal heart?
SPLICE is a great fit for POLLEY, its shell might distract you into thinking it's another sexy alien rampage dud like SPECIES but beneath the CGI shenanigans, primal, monumental emotions are stirred. This movie hit me on a level that I really wasn't prepared for. I'm going to try to explain how it made me feel and in the process I may also reveal that I have severe mental problems. Please do not call the guys with the nets to come and get me. This is between just you and I…
I have near constant nightmares that my cat is in danger and needs help and I can't help him. This has been going on forever.
(Also: Have you seen the footage of the pelican covered in oil? It means we're all going to burn in hell.)
Here's the thing people, and they won't teach you this in school, the bravest thing you can ever do in life is take on the responsibility of caring about some other creature's well being. I don't care if it's your dumb baby, your smooch partner or a goldfish, you're putting yourself in the position of being hurt and torn apart. SPLICE may pretend it's all about creating FRANKENSTEIN monsters that cannot be controlled but its real power comes from the HORROR of caring. As soon as POLLEY starts to care about the being she has created, she is screwed. There is no way things are going to work out well, she has very unscientifically opened her heart and her heart is doomed. The universe sees her heart as a dartboard.
There's a bunch of stuff in this movie about playing God (somebody's got to), gender identity and hipster apartment hunting but I really don't care about that stuff. I really loved how SPLICE makes you care and then makes you pay for it. I'm not sure if that was its intention or if I just need a vacation but I was really impressed by how it rakes maternal/paternal feelings and then just shoots them down without ever being too obvious about it. (There's also something here about POLLEY's character trying to correct her own upbringing and finding what a dead end that is that I found interesting as well.) Oh yeah, and I almost forgot, this is a horror movie and the ending really does deliver some tense scares. As you can tell this isn't so much a review as some random associations, if it was a review I'd give it a seriously high rating. On the surface it may seem like the standard mish-mash but there's something very special and different here kicking and screeching and determined to break through. In other words if you're like me and have spent the last year bitching about the government cheese that masquerades as cinema, go see SPLICE, it may cure your ills. As for me, I'm going to take a nap and inevitably dream of my poor cat covered in oil.
P.S. I think ADRIAN BRODY is in this movie too.
Kindertrauma Thinghouse
UNK SEZ: The comments are off today so that we can partake in a super THING contest! There are 11 images from your favorite movie and mine, JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING below. Can you put them in the correct order that they occurred in the movie? Whoever gets the most right the fastest will be dubbed THE THING and will win a box of kindertrauma surprises including a multitude of comic books (including I, ZOMBIE and AMERICAN VAMPIRE), DVDs and whatever else we can cram in there.
I'll get you started, picture 11 (the one with the spaceship) comes first so 11=1! Can you do the next ten correctly? Are you THE THING? Good Luck kiddies! Email your answers to kindertrauma@gmail.com!
Dancing With The Devil's Rejects
As screwed up as these people are they have forged their own family. They choose to die guns blazing rather than give in to the established order. There is acceptance among the unacceptable and good for them. There are some bonds made in life that will never be understood or accepted by others and it's important to know that they can't be destroyed by others either. Maybe I'll never be able to fully understand my sympathy for these devils but I feel it just the same. Remember, polite society frowned upon Jack, Janet and Terry's lifestyle choice too ya know!
(If you think about it, so much of the horror genre's power hinges on the viewers ability to accept and identify with antiheroes and outcasts. You're only watching half of FRANKENSTEIN if you view the creature as simply a beast and you're missing out on a lot of DRACULA if you are not taken in by the Count's charm.)
I do know that with THE DEVIL'S REJECTS, ZOMBIE set aflame any and all previous ideas about what a sequel could be and where it could go and that alone recommends it. (It's not everyday you see a neon splatterfest transformed into a dusty road movie after all and ultimately REJECTS does stand alone.) I guess I come and dance on Baby, Otis and Spaulding's floor because as reprehensible as they may be, I still secretly hope that they'll live and any movie that can leave me feeling the exact opposite of the way I'd expect to can come and knock on my door anytime it wants to.
Survival of the Dead
I was all revved up to see GEORGE ROMERO's new zombie burger SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD at the movie theater on Friday but I got distracted. Actually I think I was just wearing short pants and it was too hot to switch to long pants and too early in the season to expose the public to my zombie stems, so I stayed home. Later that night, at about one in the morning, I discovered that S.O.T.D. was one of those ON DEMAND "same day as theaters" specials offered up by my cable provider and I could watch it in the privacy of my own home while dressed like a deranged hillbilly. I wounded up saving some dough, having full access to my well-stocked fridge and enjoying the company of stinky cats rather than stinky humans…right on! I think I'm going to like this "same day as theaters" set-up a bunch. Will it kill movie theaters? Well movie theaters, in the words of LUNG LEG "You killed me first!"
So what is going on with this ROMERO chap anyway? SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD is a pretty weird movie. Fans that envision the film delivering an expansive apocalyptic view of the further infestation of the planet by zombies will be disappointed at best. On the other hand, if you don't mind ROMERO pulling out a magnifying glass and inspecting a strange little bubble of the mayhem, you might get a kick or two. At this point he does not seem to have neither the budget nor the inclination to keep unfolding the zombie map, so focusing on a tiny tale within his charted territory appears to suit him fine. There's a scene in SURVIVAL that shows a zombie postal worker chained to a mail box delivering the same mail over and over again and I couldn't help but wonder if that's how ROMERO might feel. His latest movie may not eclipse any of his others but it at least it shows him pulling against that chain a bit.
I'm not going to lie to you, SURVIVAL is no great shakes but ROMERO really does deserve credit for shuffling against the herd and fooling around with a couple of game changers. This joint is so myopic and audience ambivilant that it feels like ROMERO by way of JOHN SAYLES. In fact, if you can imagine the living dead invading THE SECRET OF ROAN INISH and MATEWAN you might get an idea of how unusual the overall tone is. It should be said that some of the visuals really shine, I was taken aback by an arresting shot of some animated heads propped up on a row of sticks and a glorious/bizarre PATTI SMITH looking zombie galloping on a horse while skeletal branches wave overhead. It's an overall crisp looking film that takes full advantage of the damp vibrant verdure that surrounds its autumnal island enviroment. It's a nice change of pallette after a career of mostly gritty visuals (or maybe my HD TV just frickin' rocks!!!)
The problem is that the story involving two rival families with opposing views on how to face the undead does not satisfy as much as the ones that satellite it and that the specter of death, the battery of a living dead movie really, is nowhere to be found. The zombies here may as well be robots; they're so clean and acceptable and they seem to putter around like firecrackers waiting to be lit and nothing more. Luckily there's an ace up ROMERO's sleeve named ALAN VAN SPRANG who SPRANG my VAN ALAN every time he was on screen. His character Sarge Crockett (who we got glimpse of in DIARY OF THE DEAD) is a charismatic throwback to the "scoundrel with a soul" archetypes of yesteryear. He carries the film to such a degree that it wilts when he's not present and his benching during the film's climax leaves it kind of flat.
I don't blame ROMERO, an older gentleman himself, for focusing on the misguided wrinkly patriarchs whose stubborn refusal to budge destroys everything that they hold dear. It's a nifty, maybe too forced parable for the inanities of war (Happy Memorial Day!) that probably inspired the entire film to begin with. Still, it's rather a wet blanket considering the stronger more enticing routes that he bypasses to get to his final shot. I was left feeling strangely similar to the way I did after watching THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE, that I had just seen a passable "C" movie worth watching for one lone "A" performance.
It will surprise exactly nobody that SURVIVAL ends with the threat of yet another entry in the series soon to come. If VAN SPRANG is signed on then frankly, so am I. Here's to hoping that in that next venture ROMERO will remember to invite that good old, worm-infested Grim Reaper too. A zombie movie that neglects to revel in decomposition is just begging to leave its target audience cold.
