kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

The House on Sorority Row (1983)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 


For a film that begins in flashback mode and whose action ignites with a prank gone wrong, THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW is a relentlessly original slash excursion and easily one of the best of its kind. The plot may sound familiar, a group of sorority sisters being offed one by one by someone they wronged, but the execution is blow-you-away slick and suspenseful. Unlike most prank gone wrong flicks, the crime here is a recent one and the looming specter of discovery by authorities helps to add yet another level of anxiety. It's no surprise to learn that director MARK ROSMAN at one time worked alongside BRIAN De PALMA for the potential victims here in no way have clean hands. ROSMAN, credited with the script as well, also knows a thing or two about keeping a viewer on their toes and questioning everything. Who is responsible for the escalating body count and why is always frustratingly just out of reach.

As many interesting queries as the movie raises the biggest one is how did the lead actress KATHRYN McNEIL (also of MONKEY SHINES) escape major A-list stardom? She looks pretty incredible on film and she exudes a regal ferocity that should have had her stealing parts from SIGOURNEY WEAVER or at least NICOLE KIDMAN. As the lone voice of reason amongst her pack, some of what she is required to say and do is a bit hokey by today's standards, but that's part of her charm. She comes off as worlds, or at least decades, removed from her very-eighties cohorts. All in all you could not ask for a better lead in a film like this. The viewer can't help but to follow her like a puppy.


The most fascinating thing about H.O.S.R. to me is how it subtly gets darker and more twisted with each scene so that by the end you can't believe you are watching the same film you began with. Early scenes are bright with chirpy birds and corny music, and then eventually you end up in the grimmest of Gothic arenas surrounded by a darkly grandiose score (not to mention very creepy clown wallpaper). There is even a side step into SUSPIRIA-like neon psychedelic dream imagery. As a whole, the movie is like one of those sped up film shorts where you watch fruit rot right before your eyes.

H.O.S.R. is less concerned with its character's sexuality then most slashers (although the requisite "bad girl" does know her way around a water bed and crankin' up a jack-in-the-box means certain death), but the themes it does focus on are just as common. Wrongs from the past resurface just like the corpse that won't stay submerged in the swimming pool and forced accountability is the order of the day. Authority figures are routinely stifling or duplicitous and when we are granted access to the dorm's hidden attic room, we are shown symbol after symbol representing the false happy facade of childhood. Although there's not much new ground broken here, it's hard to cite many of its contemporaries that present these ideas with the same amount of grace and aplomb.

My only gripes would be with the slightly off dubbing of the wicked cane-carrying housemother Mrs. Slater (LOIS KELSO HUNT) and I hate to say it, the open ending which many people adore. I admit it is legitimately classy in a BLACK CHRISTMAS ('74) kind of way, but the film has worked itself up into such an incredible crescendo at this point that, to me, it feels like being pushed out of a car at high speed. The latter part of the film, when it has come down solely to McNEIL and the killer (who is now donning the most horrific harlequin/jester outfit you have ever seen) is just TOO GOOD and should have gone on for at least another 15 minutes. (I would even sacrifice the awesome new wave party band FOUR OUT OF FIVE DOCTORS to make this happen!)

H.O.S.R. was a huge financial success that made almost twenty-five times its budget back. Why there was never a sequel (preferably one that takes place right after the events like HALLOWEEN II) I'll never know. Without giving away the identity of the killer, I'd just like to say that he or she could have been a serious contender as an indelible horror icon. I personally would buy every action figure, t-shirt and poster they could produce. On the other hand, maybe that's just what makes this masked killer so uniquely powerful, rather than overexposure and tangled story lines we have an ambiguous, mysterious threat that for all these years has remained securely hidden in the shadows. Your mind can have a field day filling in the blanks and perhaps that's the point. This scary jester may have not made it into big screen movie sequels, but maybe at the end of the day, starring in an actual nightmare or two is the more dignified gig.

NOTE: This review is in conjuncture with DINNER WITH MAX JENKE, for another take on THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW, stop by and visit HERE.

Horror Movie Bar Crawl

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Alcoholics and horror fans alike know that when you're jonesin' for a fix, beggars can't be choosers. In these instances any old place will do. Yet we all have our personal favorite drinking spots where we feel most comfortable and at home. Here is a list of my favorite drunken horror hang outs, the bars in horror movies that I return to most often and where I sometimes even score one on the house.


THE HOWLING (Name Unknown)
Now this is my type of joint, just regular people sitting around shooting the shit and enjoying brewskis, burgers and billiards. Nobody puts on airs here and they're very friendly to out-of-towners. My only advice is to be very specific about how you want your hamburger cooked; the last time I ordered one rare they let it cook through the entire closing credits!


MY BLOODY VALENTINE (The Cage)
Moosehead fans rejoice! This is the place for you. After a hard day in the mines you couldn't ask for a more relaxed vibe. They'll even let you play five-finger fillet on the tables! Stand warned though. Don't get bartender "Happy" started on the olden-timey days. He'll really talk your ear off!


A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2 (Don's Place)
Somewhere in the heart of Springwood lies this notorious gay bar. Don't ask me how to get there; I don't remember a thing. I do know that it's hidden in a dark alley and that's rarely a good sign. From what I recall, the lighting left something to be desired, but that may have been due to my ill-fitting leather cat mask. It's definitely worth a stop-by if you're interested in the more adventurous scene (i.e., S&M gym teachers), but I'd keep my eyes on my drink and who's serving it at all times.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (The Silent Woman Pub)
The only drawback to this fine establishment is that it acts like a magnet for drunken Shriners. If you don't have a problem with listening to "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" sung in your ear all night, everything is Jake. You can't beat the location, it's within walking distance to Crawford Academy and it's adjacent to a draw bridge in case you want to play a little game of "Chicken'!


THE HUNGER (Unknown Goth joint)
This place is more of an after-hours club than a bar, but I bring it up because if you go, you are guaranteed to have the time of your life. First of all, you can still smoke there, which is a major plus (actually thanks to proprietor TONY SCOTT the whole place is literally filled with smoke!), and you won't just hear groovy tune-age from the likes of BAUHAUS, you will actually get to see them perform live! Plus, if any of you swingers out there are looking to score some ANN MAGNUSON tail, this place is really your best, and only option.


FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 (Casino Bar)
I love this place!!! There is always a great mix of locals, and I still hold the Q-bert high score there! It's quiet enough that if you want to talk bar stool psychology, you know like why mongoloids are such mother-loving murderers, your friends can actually hear you! The staff is all around attentive, even if they do spend more time flirting with customers than actually clearing away empty beer bottles.



THE EXORCIST (The Tombs)
This place is very crowded, you should know that from the get-go and it may take you a while to get served, but once you've found a booth Beelzebub's you're unkle! I like to take all of my priest buddies here and get them completely, stone cold wasted. Since this is Georgetown, it's not long before Father so-and-so is straddling a jukebox and performing a sax solo just like ROB LOWE in ST. ELMO'S FIRE! I would also recommend the establishment from THE NINTH CONFIGURATION which was also penned by WILLIAM PETER BLATTY, but I think if you went there you might get your face punched in.


HALLOWEEN (The Rabbit In Red Lounge)
A source of plenty of schoolyard speculation, this out-of-the-way Haddonfield, Illinois night spot is famous for its lenient policies regarding proper age verification. ROB ZOMBIE's remake may have split fans down the middle in the T.M.I. department, but few complained about his remodeling of this particular joint. Rabbit re-dux has got girly-girls doing the hoochie coochie!!!


AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (The Slaughtered Lamb)
It's not the friendliest place on Earth, but at least it's warm. What you're really going out of the way for here is atmosphere and the Slaughtered Lamb just reeks of old world tradition. Dart throwing, joke telling and if you go often enough, you're just bound to bump into DROP DEAD FRED (RIK MAYALL) playing chess! Just don't ask the regulars about the five-pointed star on the wall and, above all else, remember the Alamo!



THE SHINING (The Overlook Bar)
If you want to go high class, I always suggest a hotel bar. Not only are they required to keep the place relatively clean, but also it's usually teaming with yummy transients you'll never have to speak to again. The Overlook Hotel's bar is so fricking swank that Replicant God Dr. Eldon Tyrell (JOE TURKEL) is the gosh darn bartender! Whenever I want a refill of the good stuff, I just slam my glass down and say, "I want more life f*cker!"

So, when I want to tie one on, those are my personal favorite horror watering holes. If there's some place that you dear reader frequent that you'd like to recommend, the comments section is all ears! Just remember I prefer nuts to pretzels, AND I'm on a limited budget.

UPDATE: Once again our brilliant readers have spoken and these are their top choices when it comes to wetting their own horror whistles.


Amanda by Night and Aunt John can be found tying one on at "One Eyed Jacks" from TWIN PEAKS. Sometimes they'll even bounce over to sister establishments "The Bang Bang Bar" and the "Pink Room" Slow down you two, the night is young!


After Amanda calls it a night and returns home to her hubby. Aunt John finds consolation with PHEOBE CATES at Dorry's Tavern from GREMLINS.


Mamasweetpeaches and Erczilla are all about The Winchester from SEAN OF THE DEAD and why shouldn't they be?


Tank and the Mickster (who also raves about the club from FRIGHT NIGHT) know that the best jukebox is at NEAR DARK'S "Shit Kicker Heaven" where there always seems to be an ALIENS cast reunion taking place.

PLUS: After all this drinking you might need some late night diner grub. Amancebado suggests Beakman's Diner from NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and Theauldlangsyne sings the praises of a joint you may have seen in THE BIRDS.

Attack of the eBay Monkeys!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Look at all these eBay monkeys! I bet you'd like to adopt them all! What you don't realize is that one of them is possessed by EVIL and will do everything in its power to destroy you and your loved ones once it's gained admittance into your lovely home! Can you guess which one it is?

Kinder-Links :: Mysterious Little Fears

Posted on By unkle lancifer


I admit it. My love for Bigfoot is fading fast. I'm beginning to think the big palooka is all looks and no brains. I don't understand why he has to smash so many people's windows without provocation. Could the mystery beast be nothing more than a glorified vandal? I'm beginning to feel like Bobby Brady when he figured out that Jesse James was a dick-wad. I get that Bigfoot does not have to concern himself with money and such, but what exactly does he do with his day? With all that time to kill I would imagine that he would come up with a better game plan. He certainly could have learned at least one language by now!

Thankfully, my mission to watch every Bigfoot movie known to man has been greatly assisted by my pal Jeff over at DINNER WITH MAX JENKE. He was kind enough to lighten my load this week by reviewing the documentary THE MYSTERIOUS MONSTERS, a film that gave him the old Kindertrauma whammy back when he was a kid. Check out his thoughts along with some impressive footage of the hirsute beast of leisure HERE!

Long-time Kindertrauma role model Curt of THE GROOVY AGE OF HORROR has brought something fascinating to our attention, a childhood horror role-playing game created by JASON L. BLAIR called LITTLE FEARS. In it you take on the role of a child and get to battle beasts like the boogeyman and travel to a dark fantasy world called CLOSETLAND. The game, originally released in 2001, is looking forward to a special edition sometime in the future. Apparently it has caused controversy and divided critics with its portrayal of child abuse, with some condemning it and some, like noted author ANDREW VACHSS, throwing laurels. From what I've seen it looks pretty creepy, but any game where teddy bears come to life to protect you and kids survive thanks to a special magic called "belief" can't be too bad in my book. To learn and see more stop by the grooviest place on earth HERE!

Murder Loves Killers Too

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Do you guys remember a little while back when we talked about the cool poster art for the forthcoming film MURDER LOVES KILLERS TOO?

Having not seen the movie yet, I stated that from the trailer the movie, "Looks like it knows where to go and how to get there." Well guess what, I got a chance to the see the movie and I'm happy to report that I'll never have to eat those particular words. When you hear horror fans bemoaning the present state of the genre, if you ever wonder what exactly it is that these people are on their hands and knees begging for, the answer is MURDER LOVES KILLERS TOO. I'm not exaggerating, much of the film is a love letter to all of your favorite flicks and the part that isn't is a bright shining arrow pointing towards the genre's future.

The story is simple, five pretty young things embark on a weekend and meet one not so pretty older thing and, as expected, a giant portion of said people are super dead by the time the end credits roll. Director DREW BARNHARDT basically takes the viewer on a tour of horror's most famous landmarks; it's a fun journey and he's a great guide, but just as you're getting ready to thank him for the wonderful time and return to your hotel to write postcards, he grabs you by the ear and drags you down an alley that's not on any map. This is where M.L.K.T. sets itself apart from the pack. It makes it perfectly clear that there is no place this film is unwilling to go. It's not afraid of gore, it's not afraid of black humor, and it's not afraid to be smart, subtle and artistic.

I usually try to give small independent films with a limited budget some leeway when watching them but now I'm left wondering why I do. M.L.K.T. proves that it doesn't cost anything extra to set up handsomely memorable shots, recruit likable, natural actors (lead screamer CHRISTINE HAEBERMAN particularly impresses) or orchestrate nail-biting, suspenseful scenes. I guess all you need is talent and a serious authentic love for what you're creating, two things on obvious display here. This movie can be enjoyed as a blood-soaked party film or a bizarre art house character study or anything in-between.

Mark my words though, this is not the last time you hear about MURDER LOVES KILLERS TOO. Not only does it know where to go and how to get there, but it's genuinely committed to giving horror fans what they've been pleading for, the ride of their lives.

Bigfoot (1970)

Posted on By unkle lancifer


If one Sasquatch monster per film is not enough for you, than 1970's BIGFOOT has your back. In this movie we find a whole clan of Bigfoot monsters running about, terrorizing a small town. Much like the fish monsters from HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP, these dudes only have one thing on their primitive minds, interbreeding with human ladies to populate their dwindling race. (We know that this type of inter-species whoopee has been successful in the past because there is a little Bigfoot/human hybrid helping them out).

One day the monsters kidnap a chick who happens to be the girlfriend of a member of a motorcycle gang that's passing through town and all types of hell breaks loose. Unbeknownst to the Sasquatch tribe, they have started a gang war! In order to preserve the lifestyle they have grown accustomed to, which consists of raping ladies by day and wrestling bears and mountain lions at night, the Bigfoot clan must defend their turf from the not threatening in the least motorcycle gang.

BIGFOOT, a certifiable mess with the most unconvincing sets this side of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND, at least knows how to have a little fun. Bikinis, funky music and motorcycles go a long way in hypnotizing the viewer into ignoring small details like the fact that you have to actually light dynamite to make it explode. JOHN CARADINE and, count 'em, two MITCHUMS (JOHN AND CHRISTOPHER) are on hand to ease some of the pain, but me thinks the film makers were relying mostly on the voluptuous talents of JOI LANSING to carry the audience through the film. I have to admit there is dopey fun to be had in this showdown for species dominance, but as usual I think I was routing for the wrong team's victory. One thing is undebatable, the sasquatch were not the most alarming inhabits of this film.

The Curse of Bigfoot

Posted on By unkle lancifer


If you're experiencing Bigfoot mania and you want it to end immediately, just watch THE CURSE OF BIGFOOT. Not only will you find yourself losing your appetite for the hairy beast but also for movies in general and perhaps even life itself. For me, it actually brought back memories of having to watch sleep inducing educational films in junior high school, and for that I can never forgive it. In fact, most of the movie involves a class lecture that never seems to end. I knew watching this movie so soon after seeing the incredible NIGHT OF THE DEMON was akin to going on a blind date right after meeting the person of my dreams, but I was willing to give it a fair shake anyway. Well let me tell you, if CURSE was a blind date it would be the type that you slam your door on after first glance.

I tried to be patient when Bigfoot showed up in the beginning wearing an obvious paper-maché mask. I even withstood the not quite amusing tale about two hillbillies encountering the beast in the woods. Then, mid-way through the film, a crazy lecturer appears out of nowhere to tell his own not even slightly harrowing tale. His story is actually a film made ten years earlier that's been tacked on to fill in CURSE's running time. Watching a completely different movie should be a relief, but the film he relays is TEENAGERS BATTLE THE THING; it involves a mummy in a cave and it's actually worse than the film we're already suffering through. (They were able to get the same guy from that much earlier picture to play the part of the dude who is boring the class, so kudos for that).

I suppose this movie could be fun if you are a masochist and I guess the idea of seeing two movies scotch-taped together is slightly intriguing, but in this case, the novelty is short lived. You all stand warned; if you're looking for anything resembling a good time, you're better off just walking over and opening your refrigerator and peering inside. There is sure to be more going on in there, and it's definitely going on at a much faster pace. Trust me NIGHT OF THE DEMON, what happened between me and THE CURSE OF BIGFOOT was meaningless!