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Kinder-News :: Beware the Pincher Penny

December 23rd, 2008 by aunt john · 5 Comments


As a special public service announcement to all of the chain jewelry store managers within our readership, your Unkle Lancifer and I would like to make everyone aware of a little thief hitting up all the malls up and down the East coast. You see, it was just yesterday that I, in my kerchief, and Unkle Lancifer, in his cap, set out for Kay Jewelers to shoplift me one of them there to-die-for Open Hearts Necklaces by Jane Seymour™.

Lancifer and I had our whole grift planned out: I would try on the necklace; he would tell me that it really brings out the brown in my eyes; I would giggle and tell the shop girl that we really couldn’t afford such a beautiful piece of jewelry; she would yawn and smile uncomfortably; Lancifer would then fake an epileptic seizure, causing a distraction, and then I would slip off to the food court with necklace while pandemonium ensued. We would then meet up later at the Orange Julius, and maybe split some waffle fries from the Chick-fil-A.

It was a solid plan (and we’ve used it before successfully to get ourselves some Snuggies from Two Guys).

Anyhows, when we arrived at the shoppe, the display cases were bare… since our little nemesis Penny Woods had already been there.

Check out the surveillance tape below. She sometimes works with an accomplice who pretends to steal her wallet. She is not to be trusted.

Tags: Holidays · Kinder-News · Seasons Beatings

5 responses so far ↓

  • 1 DavidFullamNo Gravatar // Dec 23, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    Always wondered about that kid!

  • 2 WarpedRecordNo Gravatar // Dec 23, 2008 at 3:03 pm

    I love hearing the audience’s response! It’s interesting to see Janet as a child, before the plastic surgery and wardrobe malfunction.

  • 3 Pax RomanoNo Gravatar // Dec 23, 2008 at 5:46 pm

    When the security guards  arrested her, she said, “No my name’s not Penny, It’s Millicent, Miss Woods, if your nasty!”

  • 4 aunt johnNo Gravatar // Dec 24, 2008 at 10:56 am

    @Pax: And with that, Penny wriggled free from the grip of the dept. store detective with a well-timed wardrobe malfunction.

  • 5 LouisCyphreNo Gravatar // Dec 27, 2008 at 2:04 am

    Someone oughta take a hot iron to that little thief!  Oh wait…

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