Have you heard about the so- called DARK CRYSTAL "Director's Cut"? A bunch of folks have already written about this wonderful thing and now I'm going to as well on account of it's just too specifically kindertraumatic for me to resist. Once upon a time, it seems there was an earlier version of THE DARK CRYSTAL. It was shown to a preview audience to get their reaction and their reaction was mostly stuff like, "What was that?", "Huh?", "Come again? " and, "I want my mommy!" The movie had to be altered in order to more likely receive wider acceptance and so rambling scenes were chiseled down and explanatory dialogue and clarifying voiceovers were added. Finally the movie was deemed ready for popular consumption and this new easier to digest version was released to the masses who reacted mostly with stuff like "What was that?", "Huh?", "Come again?" and "I still want my mommy!"

Yay, THE DARK CRSTAL (shaking Kermit arms above head)! It's beautiful, obtuse, crazy-making, corny, gorgeous, mystical and as disturbing as a bad dream. It's a truly singular visionary work that gets better with each passing day. It's awesome and freaky and sometimes boring in any form but yeah, a few nips and tucks do make a big difference. Hey, movies, or any art for that matter, are incantations and of course you can't alter a speck of the spell and expect the exact same results.

The big news is that some guy by the name of Christopher Orgeron had access to a ratty old copy of the original version and like a saint, decided to painstakingly craft it back together as best he could. Nicer still, he wants to share his accomplishment with us! What he did from the best of my ability to understand is, keep the original soundtrack in place, leave in everything that was later removed and spackle on top the better picture of the standard version wherever possible. So sometimes the picture and the sound can get wonky but it's the closest you're likely to get to JIM HENSON's original, preview audience disapproved stab. It's pretty cool.

The biggest difference is that those horrifying plucked rooster demons, the Skeksis, now speak their own language and we are not privy to their words. It works great because you can kind of guess what they're going on about but the language barrier makes them all that much more alien and off-putting.

The other thing is, and this is just me, I'm totally fascinated by the (minimal) scenes that are of the shoddy quality that Orgeron would probably prefer to do without completely. Content wise they are inconsequential but wow, they come off like bizarre radio signals from another planet (or BEGOTTEN or some super early episode of DOCTOR WHO). They are so hauntingly strange, I half wanted to watch the whole movie in this vague, craptastic static-o-rama style. Which makes no sense because DARK CRYSTAL is so pretty and nice with the purple but whatever. Is this version any more kindertraumatic? Hmm. Yeah I think so, but it should be mentioned that the most disturbing parts of DARK CRYSTAL are front and center in both versions. Still, the estranging effect of holding the audiences' hands to a lesser degree does make a difference. Fans of the film should check it out below or download it HERE. Thanks Christopher Orgeron! What a noble endeavor!

We just don't talk enough about 1985's THE MUTILATOR around here! Sure it's shown up in a Funhouse or an IAHTKY or two but THE MUTILATOR demands more! It's my fault I guess. It's just that this movie tends to bring up unpleasant memories of the time when I was a kid and I thought I'd clean my dad's rifle as a birthday surprise and I instead (accidently!) shot and killed my mother who was decorating a cake in the other room. Boy did I get in trouble that day! But you know, I'm over it now. The past is the past! Today is what matters and I just want to enjoy my fall break and watch THE MUTILATOR!

Only about two people in this movie can act and I'm generously doubling the harsh reality that only one can. You should also be warned that if you like it when the information that goes inside your head makes sense, this movie will hurt you.
Highfalutin folks can criticize THE MUTILATOR ‘til the cows come home but around these parts, the only thing that matters is entertainment value and trauma value and THE MUTILATOR has both. This movie is knee slapping hilarious one second and I must say, strangely disturbing the next. Nothing that takes place seems real but that doesn't mean that I don't find myself worried about the psychological health of the person who came up with it. Also has anyone ever put a garage to better use in a horror film? Hmmm, maybe in SCREAM but that would be years later.

THE MUTILATOR may be profoundly lacking on the surface (and truth be told unwatchable for many) and yet somewhere in its murky crevices strongly beats the heart of genuine horror. Hollywood can throw as much money as it wants at a project, nothing beats the power of one possibly insane but obviously sincere creative mind. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this movie is as dumb as a lamp post but a surprisingly vicious lamp post with a really awesome decapitation scene up its sleeve. Not that lamp posts have sleeves. Speaking of lamp posts, this movie is way too dark! Can someone please for the love of God put it on DVD so that I might be able to see what's going on when the kids are playing "blind man's bluff"? Until such a glorious day arrives, we must warm our hands at the dwindling YouTube flame. Watch it by noon, by 5, by midnight. Bye bye.