In THE LORDS OF SALEM, Heidi Hawthorne (SHERI MOON ZOMBIE), a radio disc jockey, receives a mysterious package with a record inside. A friend attempts to play the record for her but it merely skips until Heidi places the needle upon it herself. The disc produces a haunting wall of sound that puts Heidi in a sort of a Stendhal syndrome trance while her friend remains unmoved. For whatever reason, Heidi then chooses to share her unusual discovery by playing it on her radio show. As the recording howls and booms over the airwaves, we again observe that the music affects different people in vastly different ways, some scowl and shrug and some stop in their tracks mesmerized. The best way to describe ROB ZOMBIE's THE LORDS OF SALEM is to say that it's a movie that operates exactly like that record does. It's a treasure trove for those that respond to visual and audio stimulation and a barren coffer for slaves of clarity and traditional storytelling. If you fall into the latter category, don't ever see this movie! I beg you! That whole crossed arms, I just ate a lemon, indignant consumer routine you do; it's not as cute as you think it is.

ROB ZOMBIE is one of the more significant horror directors working today not because he is the most commercially successful but because he has miraculously held on to and honed his own voice (against a tsunami of chattering teeth opponents, I might add). Love it or lump it, he's now at the artistic level where accessibility is no longer a concern. Think of THE LORDS OF SALEM as his STARDUST MEMORIES, he's point blank telling anyone still listening that he's not truncating his journey just because you dig his "earlier, funnier movies." That could very well irk folks who can't seem to connect with his work but stand down horror fans; the genre deserves at least one modern director not slavishly beholden to the sensibilities of mall teens. If you don't like it, good. Welcome to the world of art! Don't frown; in this joint you can get just as much stimulation from the stuff you don't like as the stuff you do! Remember, you must be this tall to enter, keep your hands inside the car and stand ready to see things done in ways that you might not have done them yourself! Here is a bullet to bite. I know it's not what you want but trust me, it's what you need…

To me, in one way or another, each ROB ZOMBIE movie has been more interesting than the one that came before it. I'm not saying "better," I'm just saying more thought provoking. (Actually, I could almost say I like each one better than the last except THE LORDS OF SALEM is not dethroning H2 in my heart anytime soon.) Maybe I'm just a very visually oriented person but there are moments in THE LORDS OF SALEM that I think are more potent and valuable then many of ZOMBIE's directing contemporaries entire output. I'm not kidding. If an alien came to earth and was like "I'm either going to obliterate from existence that frame from LORDS with the orange fur beast or everything that ADAM GREEN and ELI ROTH ever laid a hand on, I would take zero seconds to shamefully respond "Give me the orange fur beast."

Not that I have anything against those other guys, it's just that for my needs they're comparatively disposable and more likely to indulge audiences rather than shepherd them anywhere new. If I ever missed HATCHET, I suppose I'd just watch MADMAN whereas I don't think there's anything I could trade ZOMBIE's imagery for regardless of how much it might be inspired by existing material. He's just a brilliant visualist, end of story and sorry, that means something to me.

"But Unkle Lancifer!" you might be saying while taking off your spectacles and cleaning them with an embroidered handkerchief, "I don't care for his writing! His dialogue is trite and like many horror aficionados, I'm an absolute stickler for dialogue!" Here's the thing, I think his writing is fine and moreover, hold onto your tea cup Oscar Wilde, when it comes to the expression of horror, I don't think the written word is paramount. "Clay face man walks goat in graveyard" is not much on paper but trust me, visualized it's a whole different crap-your-pants kettle of fish.

I promise you, I didn't salute every flag ZOMBIE hoisted. Remember when I was talking about the EVIL DEAD remake and I was saying that it was well built but failed to conjure up a believable presence of malevolent mojo? LORDS is the flip side, its malevolent mojo is indisputable but its structure could stand a few more laps around the gym. I'm not buying the SHINING-style days of the week title cards as framework. As in my actual life, I don't care what day of the week it is and it's really no less corny than showing a clock spinning. If you are dubious about SHERI MOON ZOMBIE playing the lead, I'm not going to totally disagree. I think she's wonderful, a one of a kind character actress, she made an indelible mark in DEVIL'S and she broke my heart in HALLOWEEN. Still, I feel like this movie needed somebody that you didn't intuitively predict was scrappy enough to wiggle out of whatever. It's noble to put forth a different type of protagonist but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think some of the film's erosion themes aren't blunted by that choice. Do you know who would have been perfect? FAIRUZA BALK! Think about it. Before you agree just know that my answer for every casting quandary is FAIRUZA BALK and I may be subconsciously judging SHERI MOON on her hair.

Here's the thing though, the most important thing, after the movie was done I went to the restroom in the theater and something about the place felt wrong. The overhead fan was acting up, singing a crazy womp-womp LYNCH-ian dirge and the lights were blinking an indecipherable code. Half my head was still in the movie and that's my idea of success. True, I missed the emotional punch of H2 (if you didn't feel anything during Annie's death scene, congratulations you're a sociopath) and I admit that I prefer my ZOMBIE a little more stompy. And yet LORDS certainly constructed a hazy, mad malaise that wasn't so easily wiped off my windshield. Those who get frothy at the mouth minimalizing ZOMBIE's vision can sleep well, LORDS' adamant ambiguity gives you plenty of space to dig in your talons. All I know is that my trusty specter detector was reading some true, undiluted horror on the screen. And when I say "horror," I don't mean the pandering power fantasy kind, the giggly, popcorn sleepover kind or the logo strewn, fan bought collectible kind used to spackle over identity chasms and make one feel all safe and special. I mean the unpleasant, corruptive, soul-siphoning kind that has no interest in patting you on the back. No, LORDS doesn't deliver the rousing cathartic thrills horror fans are looking for instead it offers something most horror fans have little taste for at all, actual horror.