kindertrauma

Name That Trauma:: Reader Jeff T. on a Mouthy Hot Tub Lady Monster

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hello!

I was hoping somebody could name this one. As a child, an irresponsible adult I knew sometimes let me watch horror films. The ones I remember best are The Thing, Prom Night 2 (I think), and a third film that I simply cannot track down. The only scene I recall from this movie involved the main antagonist, a sexy lady monster, in a hot tub making out with a curly-haired guy. A monster hunter is after her, apparently, and she knows it. So at the, ahem, moment of truth, she morphs into a hideous monster with lots of mouths all over her body (that's what my five-year-old self interpreted them as, anyway…) and kills the guy. The monster hunter shows up and finds the guy's corpse in a hot tub full of blood. This would have been mid- or late-80s. It definitely wasn't Species, although there are more than a few similarities.

Thanks for the help!

-Jeff T.

Sunday Viewing:: Blood Rage (1987) Happy Mother's Day!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Happy Mother's Day! Let's watch BLOOD RAGE! I know this movie takes place on Thanksgiving but that doesn't mean it's not a swell Mother's Day movie too! I'd say BLOOD RAGE (aka NIGHTMARE AT SHADOW WOODS) is a better Mother's Day movie than MOTHER"S DAY but then again, what isn't? LOUISE LASSER plays Maddie, a caring mother of two twins. One of the twins is a crazy psycho and one of them is not. One Thanksgiving the nutty twin escapes from the funny farm and blood-soaked, identity mix-up hijinks ensue. BLOOD RAGE has got to be one of the funniest slasher movies I have ever seen. It just kills me. The music is out of control, there's a ridiculous attempt at exposition using a psychiatrist's voice-over narration, the violence is slapstick hilarious and the incredible LASSER is constantly forced to fill in the gaps in the script with lunatic ad-libbing! Frankly, it's non-stop awesome. The strange thing is I don't think MARK SOPER who plays twins Todd & Terry is half bad! He kinda reminds me of ALEX McARTHUR in RAMPAGE (1987)! If you really love your mother, you will force her to watch this with you and if you really love yourself, you'll invite your evil twin along too!

The Incubus (1982) He is the Destroyer!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Once upon a time, one of my favorite video stores was closing and selling off its stock and so I went to feed upon its carcass like a slobbering vulture. I had a limited amount of funds and so many a Sophie-esque choice was made that day, one of which would come to haunt me in shameful, near psychotic ways. My haul was to be complete after one final DVD decision. I could either get AND NOW THE SCREAMING STARTS (1973) or THE INCUBUS (1982). I had not seen the former and I owned the latter on VHS and so in the spirit of open mindedness and expanding my horizons, I left doe-eyed THE INCUBUS behind. What kind of a person does that? A fool.

As it turned out I had severely underestimated my love for THE INCUBUS and richly overestimated my giving a crap about AND NOW THE SCREAMING STARTS! In order to rectify the situation, I jumped over to Amazon to rescue my mistake only to find it out of print with its price tag soaring by the minute! To buy it at three or five times the amount that I had recently snubbed my nose at was impossible! I was an idiot and suddenly my life was incomplete. There was a hole in my heart that went all the way to China and that howling abyss could only be filled by one thing. It was as if I had lost a leg in a war and was now cursed with a phantom ghost leg except for the war and the leg part. (Please note that while all of this nonsense is going on there are actual real tragedies taking place all over the world.)

What was wrong with me? By my calculations this behavior was the exact opposite of Zen. I was acting like one of those horrible record troll people who hang off of cardboard boxes at garage sales with crazed looks in their eyes prepared to strangle anyone who gets in the way of their precious Gollum prize! I had to snap out it. I had to stop checking Amazon every week with the sole purpose of torturing myself! Why was my sense of well being tied to something so trivial and why did I feel like I had somehow betrayed a part of my youth? I'm not what I own and yet I can't help thinking nobody deserves to have this DVD more than me! I might have just stopped the madness and bought it at any price but you know…you just know… as soon as I did that it would become available again and I'd be a chump again.

I had to get off the merry go round and so I gave up. The dust settled, the cuckoo went back in the clock… and soon, as predicted, THE INCUBUS was rereleased on DVD! See miracles really do happen when you set your sights low and happen to be the pettiest person on Earth! I even waited (the hubris!) for a used copy and got it super cheap! Victory was finally mine! It came in the mail and I welcomed it with open arms and I was contented for exactly one second! Hooray for me.

I really do like THE INCUBUS more than I lead on in THIS review. Now that we've been through the ringer together our relationship has grown even stronger. It's got some hammy acting, at least one instance of truly horrendous dialogue (I don't want tenderness!) and a less than stellar script (based upon a book that probably shouldn't have been adapted in the first place) but Lord love a duck, the general vibe of it sings my wretched song. How are you are not going to love this perfect bubble of time when the eighties were becoming the eighties but were not all bright and wacky yet? Is there anything better than a movie that wants to be a slasher and a gothed-out supernatural tale at the same time? I want to be both those things too!

I know some folks find this movie super sleazy on account of all of the wall-to-wall demon rape going on. I guess it is but it's all presented as so grim and depressing that it's hard for me to see it as exploitive. Personally, I'm more interested in the oppressive wall of monstrous sexual angst I believe it shares with the same year's AMITYVILLE 2: THE POSSESSION and THE BEAST WITHIN. Seriously, what is it with that year? Where the planets aligned in some specific way? Anyway, in my book, director JOHN HOUGH is criminally underappreciated. He's done great stuff (TWINS OF EVIL, LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE, the excellent AMERICAN GOTHIC), some noteworthy stuff (WATCHER IN THE WOODS, the WITCH MOUTAIN movies) and even a lovable stinker (HOWLING 4: THE ORIGINAL NIGHTMARE). Really, what DVD collection is complete without all of his movies? Oh no.

Name That Trauma:: Reader Luke on Strange Happenings in the Snow

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I have a very vague memory of a movie I saw as a kid. I must have watched it in the '90s but it could have been a movie from the '70s to '90s. I don't remember which part happened when but I'll try my best. I didn't watch the whole movie either, just a few scenes. It was about this woman and her son in a winter setting and it was like no matter where they went, something totally bizarre and scary was happening. They went to a middle school or high school and all the kids looked either possessed or demonic or like ghosts. They wanted to hurt the woman and her son but they ran. Then she is driving and to her right she sees a guy standing in the snow and he suddenly falls through. I think she investigates this and finds a facility underground and there are a bunch of people fighting this machine/alien; not really sure what. Like I said, very bizarre but I would love to find out what it is called and watch it as an adult.

— Luke

Sunday View:: Next of Kin (1982)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Let's give Netflix Streaming the cold shoulder today on account of how it put us through the emotional wringer last week and forced me to eschew my much needed beauty sleep! Let's go visit our unreliable and fickle old pal YouTube instead! I usually don't feel entirely comfortable wrapping a post around a YouTube movie as you never know when they too will skip out on you, but today's flick is so good it has inspired me to throw caution to the wind. I also sometimes worry that if I get folks to watch something for free (!) then somebody somewhere, a bag lady perhaps, is not getting her royalty check! Karma-lamity! The thing is this one isn't on DVD anyway and my theory is if you watch it on YouTube now, you'll be happy to buy it if it ever does become available and then save that hypothetical bag lady! You can't save her if you don't know the movie exists! Yes, I'm only pretending to care!

Anyway, today's fantastic flick is called NEXT OF KIN! If you've already seen it you know what I'm talking about and if you haven't, get ready for your next favorite thing in the world. Just listen to these incredible stats! It's from Australia, it's a lady vs. awesome house tale, it's from 1982 the magical year for perfect movies, the cinematography is outstanding, it has one of the best horror scores of literally all time (Viva KLAUS SCHULZE!) and the strapping love interest is the psycho from WOLF CREEK (thumbs up JOHN JARRATT!)!!! I would not be terribly surprised if NEXT OF KIN was an influence on TI WEST's HOUSE OF THE DEVIL. It's got the same lazy stroll pace and then just when you are all warm and snuggly, it crashes your cranium with an iron frying pan. Although, allow me to say, I think NEXT OF KIN carries the superior clobber! It's a lightening bolt! It's a veritable goth-gasm! Nobody deserves to be as happy as it's sure to make you! I'll let you in on a secret. I've watched this movie a couple times now and I'm still unclear about why folks want to kill this lady. I'm not sure it matters. Now, think of a movie in your head! NEXT OF KIN is better than that movie!!! It's my favorite type of thing except this time it's actually done well! It's proof positive that there is gold in them there hills just waiting to be unearthed! Watch it now!!!! Or don't!

The Lords of Salem (2013)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

In THE LORDS OF SALEM, Heidi Hawthorne (SHERI MOON ZOMBIE), a radio disc jockey, receives a mysterious package with a record inside. A friend attempts to play the record for her but it merely skips until Heidi places the needle upon it herself. The disc produces a haunting wall of sound that puts Heidi in a sort of a Stendhal syndrome trance while her friend remains unmoved. For whatever reason, Heidi then chooses to share her unusual discovery by playing it on her radio show. As the recording howls and booms over the airwaves, we again observe that the music affects different people in vastly different ways, some scowl and shrug and some stop in their tracks mesmerized. The best way to describe ROB ZOMBIE's THE LORDS OF SALEM is to say that it's a movie that operates exactly like that record does. It's a treasure trove for those that respond to visual and audio stimulation and a barren coffer for slaves of clarity and traditional storytelling. If you fall into the latter category, don't ever see this movie! I beg you! That whole crossed arms, I just ate a lemon, indignant consumer routine you do; it's not as cute as you think it is.

ROB ZOMBIE is one of the more significant horror directors working today not because he is the most commercially successful but because he has miraculously held on to and honed his own voice (against a tsunami of chattering teeth opponents, I might add). Love it or lump it, he's now at the artistic level where accessibility is no longer a concern. Think of THE LORDS OF SALEM as his STARDUST MEMORIES, he's point blank telling anyone still listening that he's not truncating his journey just because you dig his "earlier, funnier movies." That could very well irk folks who can't seem to connect with his work but stand down horror fans; the genre deserves at least one modern director not slavishly beholden to the sensibilities of mall teens. If you don't like it, good. Welcome to the world of art! Don't frown; in this joint you can get just as much stimulation from the stuff you don't like as the stuff you do! Remember, you must be this tall to enter, keep your hands inside the car and stand ready to see things done in ways that you might not have done them yourself! Here is a bullet to bite. I know it's not what you want but trust me, it's what you need…

To me, in one way or another, each ROB ZOMBIE movie has been more interesting than the one that came before it. I'm not saying "better," I'm just saying more thought provoking. (Actually, I could almost say I like each one better than the last except THE LORDS OF SALEM is not dethroning H2 in my heart anytime soon.) Maybe I'm just a very visually oriented person but there are moments in THE LORDS OF SALEM that I think are more potent and valuable then many of ZOMBIE's directing contemporaries entire output. I'm not kidding. If an alien came to earth and was like "I'm either going to obliterate from existence that frame from LORDS with the orange fur beast or everything that ADAM GREEN and ELI ROTH ever laid a hand on, I would take zero seconds to shamefully respond "Give me the orange fur beast."

Not that I have anything against those other guys, it's just that for my needs they're comparatively disposable and more likely to indulge audiences rather than shepherd them anywhere new. If I ever missed HATCHET, I suppose I'd just watch MADMAN whereas I don't think there's anything I could trade ZOMBIE's imagery for regardless of how much it might be inspired by existing material. He's just a brilliant visualist, end of story and sorry, that means something to me.

"But Unkle Lancifer!" you might be saying while taking off your spectacles and cleaning them with an embroidered handkerchief, "I don't care for his writing! His dialogue is trite and like many horror aficionados, I'm an absolute stickler for dialogue!" Here's the thing, I think his writing is fine and moreover, hold onto your tea cup Oscar Wilde, when it comes to the expression of horror, I don't think the written word is paramount. "Clay face man walks goat in graveyard" is not much on paper but trust me, visualized it's a whole different crap-your-pants kettle of fish.

I promise you, I didn't salute every flag ZOMBIE hoisted. Remember when I was talking about the EVIL DEAD remake and I was saying that it was well built but failed to conjure up a believable presence of malevolent mojo? LORDS is the flip side, its malevolent mojo is indisputable but its structure could stand a few more laps around the gym. I'm not buying the SHINING-style days of the week title cards as framework. As in my actual life, I don't care what day of the week it is and it's really no less corny than showing a clock spinning. If you are dubious about SHERI MOON ZOMBIE playing the lead, I'm not going to totally disagree. I think she's wonderful, a one of a kind character actress, she made an indelible mark in DEVIL'S and she broke my heart in HALLOWEEN. Still, I feel like this movie needed somebody that you didn't intuitively predict was scrappy enough to wiggle out of whatever. It's noble to put forth a different type of protagonist but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think some of the film's erosion themes aren't blunted by that choice. Do you know who would have been perfect? FAIRUZA BALK! Think about it. Before you agree just know that my answer for every casting quandary is FAIRUZA BALK and I may be subconsciously judging SHERI MOON on her hair.

Here's the thing though, the most important thing, after the movie was done I went to the restroom in the theater and something about the place felt wrong. The overhead fan was acting up, singing a crazy womp-womp LYNCH-ian dirge and the lights were blinking an indecipherable code. Half my head was still in the movie and that's my idea of success. True, I missed the emotional punch of H2 (if you didn't feel anything during Annie's death scene, congratulations you're a sociopath) and I admit that I prefer my ZOMBIE a little more stompy. And yet LORDS certainly constructed a hazy, mad malaise that wasn't so easily wiped off my windshield. Those who get frothy at the mouth minimalizing ZOMBIE's vision can sleep well, LORDS' adamant ambiguity gives you plenty of space to dig in your talons. All I know is that my trusty specter detector was reading some true, undiluted horror on the screen. And when I say "horror," I don't mean the pandering power fantasy kind, the giggly, popcorn sleepover kind or the logo strewn, fan bought collectible kind used to spackle over identity chasms and make one feel all safe and special. I mean the unpleasant, corruptive, soul-siphoning kind that has no interest in patting you on the back. No, LORDS doesn't deliver the rousing cathartic thrills horror fans are looking for instead it offers something most horror fans have little taste for at all, actual horror.

Name That Trauma:: Warren C. on a Head Under the Bed

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I remember my sister renting a movie when I was about 9 years old (1992) and it was about a young woman (20-ish) who has nightmares about her dead father being under her bed. At one point she is telling her boyfriend about it, and I think she says "I told him to go to hell, and he did." They look under the bed and a snarling head appears, with glowing red eyes. Do you have any idea what that might have been?

Thanks!

Warren C.

UNK SEZ: If I'm right about this one it's a very strange, weird, uncanny occurrence. As you might be able to tell, I watch a lot of movies and I have been doing so for decades. I even worked in a video store for 20 years, all the while picking up & watching every stray VHS horror title I could get my grubby hands on. I tell you that because I thought it slightly odd that I had never come across GRAVE SECRETS aka SILENT SECRETS (1989) until the other night when I noticed it was expiring from Netflix Streaming. GRAVE SECRETS closes with a couple in bed and the then the woman looks under the bed to see her glowing eyed father growling back at her!!! I don't remember her making the "hell" comment but that certainly fits within the story! If GRAVE is the correct movie, how bonkers is it that I watched it the night before you sent in your Name That Trauma??? Kinder-synchronicity!!! On the hand, I might be totally wrong.