kindertrauma

Kinder-News :: It's a Hard-Knock Death

Posted on By unkle lancifer


If you're like me than you've spent countless hours wondering why, oh why, the creators behind the fantastic FACES OF DEATH advertising campaign and the makers of the runaway box office hit ANNIE don't set aside their multiple differences and manufacture a line of commemorative plates that will appease the rabid fan-base of both films at the same time. Such a day of peace and understanding where folks put aside personal egos in order to create a larger harmony is far off indeed. Hence, I fired up the kindertrauma kiln this past Sunday and produced a line of plates that I plan to utilize at our next extravagant dinner party. There are only eight, and two of course are reserved for myself and Aunt John, that means most of you will have to use the far-less special GREMLINS PAPER PLATES left over from last year. I'm sorry, but if you want to sit at the big kid's table you most be prompt! (And no Mickster, unlike at our last fiesta "I came all the way from Alabama" will not be accepted as an excuse to arrive fourteen hours late with a biker gang in tow!)






Traumafessions :: Rob of Natsukashi on Faces of Death

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I was a tough kid to spook. Perhaps it was my subscriptions to FANGORIA, STARLOG and parents who unknowingly thought HEAVY METAL was just a comic about rock music (now who could have told them that?). Sure, I fell victim to the jump scare at the end of the original FRIDAY THE 13TH with its lulling, swelling "everything's peachy" score before Jason jettisons from the water and helps ADRIENNE KING perform an Eskimo Roll on the canoe. I was creeped out by those aforementioned beady little Jodie the Pig eyes that blinked outside the window of a house in Amityville and was scared to death of all things Bigfoot, be they confrontations with the Bionic Man Steve Austin, or even when he landed a Saturday morning TV gig with some WILLIE AAMES-like fella named Wild Boy). But with a childhood spent gorging on gore, I was particularly jaded, as I was more interested in "just how" they made THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN actually melt (since it predated the "bonus features" days of the DVD, I was forced to actually "read" about it in the pages of FANGORIA.

I needed something more genuine in order to burn its place into my pre-pubescent brain.

Enter the friendly neighborhood pot-head who manned the counter at the local video store who happily handed over a copy of FACES OF DEATH to a child who did not even reach the double digits in age. "All of this is real, man," I distinctly remember him whispering as he slipped it into the bag, along with TAPS, the fall guy if my parents decided to ask what I had rented. TIMOTHY HUTTON was such a nice young man and the TOM CRUISE fellow could be going places! After a few phone calls to neighborhood reprobates, we found the perfect screening room, as one friend's parents were leaving him in the care of his older brother (15) who was as equally as interested in the copius and gratuitous gore we had our hands on.

As a child coming of age in the 80s, FACES OF DEATH represented the Holy Grail of Horror for us. It was one where there were no special effects. No actors, no Karo syrup and food coloring. It was all real. For the VHS box told us so.

As an animal lover, I had to turn away from all the actual killings of our furry and feathered friends. I would later do the same during CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, which used the same techniques for shock. Killing slow-moving, defenseless sea turtles, as done in HOLOCAUST, does not impress nor frighten me.

It opened with a heart transplant that is as common today as anything you'd see on the Discovery Health Channel, but that was enough to whet our appetite for destruction. Of all the images of bear maulings, monkey-brain eating and alligator tussles, the one image that haunted me was the image of a body washed ashore on the beach. Perhaps because I live in a coastal community, or maybe it was just he after-effects of seeing JAWS one too many times, it was something that would remain with me years after all the other hoaxes in the film became prevalent to me. It played with some rather bizarre carnival music that made it all the more awkward. (After a subsequent viewing trying to pinpoint all the fake footage, I realized that this, too, was faked).

The one that really gave me a chuckle watching as an adult, was one that featured "footage from two tourists who were visiting a national park" (in typical generic fact-giving commentary). In it two moronic tools pull up in a station wagon and proceed to empty a loaf of bread to a passing bear. The male "tourist" apparently gets out (apparently dedicated to his craft and seeking better lighting). When the bear decides that he would like a little meat with his Wonder bread, he supposedly turns on the cameraman. What was notably obvious was the shot that showed both the man with the video camera and the bear in full frame. Just where did that shot come from?

Nonetheless, for years I would carry with me the images of FACES OF DEATH feeling as though I had somehow crossed the line of innocence, into the world of adulthood. And it was one I was not ready to visit again when FACES OF DEATH 2 hit the shelves the following year.

UNK SEZ: Thanks Rob for venturing into places your Unkle Lancifer can never go! As big of a gore fan as I am, and trust me too much is never enough, I turn all kinds of yellow at the thought of FACES OF DEATH. I remember my older brother renting the first one and as soon as I realized what they were about to do to that chicken, I went chicken myself and was right out the door! Sure, if I see an axe planted into someone's face in a FRIDAY THE 13TH flick I stop just short of cheering, but if I'm flipping channels and come across a real operation I quickly flip right on by (I might even cross myself). One thing I do appreciate about the FACES OF DEATH series is the consistently uniform lowbrow box art. Anytime I see those crude, smiling, skull faces staring at me, I know I'm in over my head!

NOTE: For all you kids who like to wax nostalgic about the films of your youth, Rob's website NATSUKASHI was built in your honor (The name means "place of fond memories"). Taking a new look at films watched long ago, he pays special and specific attention to how perceptions change over time. Take off your shoes and step into NATSUKASHI !

NOTE: I can't take credit for that swell FACES OF DEATH lunchbox. That image was swiped from the FACES OF DEATH Myspace page.

Traumafessions :: Reader Taylor on Indiana Jones & the Missing Head

Posted on By unkle lancifer

When I was a really little kid in the early 80s and was too young to go see the coolest movies, my parents would get these "read-along" storybook versions of movies for my brother and me. They were very short picture booklets that came with tapes of someone (usually not the original actor) in character telling you what happens in the story as you flip through the book…You'd know to turn the page when you heard a chime. I remember that we had them for the STAR WARS movies, and E.T. (I specifically remember young DREW BARRYMORE as Gertie really hamming it up on the tape struggling to pronounce "extra-terrestrial").

To my trauma: In the booklet for RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, there was a still from the movie of the part where Indiana Jones is leaping from a horse onto the side of a truck. To my mind, because of the position of Indy's body and his arms, it looked like he was missing his head. This was utterly terrifying to me…I'd always shut my eyes whenever I'd get to that page in the book, then open them again when we got to the next page (I couldn't really flip ahead, not without the chime allowing me too, for God's sake!). I guess I was really too young to follow the story very carefully, even being totally spoon-fed the dumbed-down version, because I saw it as: "Indy's having adventures, having adventures, LOOK OUT FOR THE HEADLESS MONSTER-MAN, having adventures…"

I couldn't find the actual still, but I grabbed it from the scene on Youtube for you. I'm at work, so I don't have the DVD to get it…But I think the Youtube-quality makes it even eerier…


UNK SEZ: Taylor, this traumafession cracks me up! I love it! It just goes to show you, no matter how hard we try to shield our kids from kindertrauma, kindertrauma can be found in just about anything! I guess it's just a natural and necessary part of growing up and of learning the difference between real and imagined dangers. I also should congratulate you on your bravery and sense of duty for patiently waiting for the record to chime before turning the offending page! I found the below image on eBay, is this the diabolical record that stands accused?


AFTERTHOUGHT: Taylor I can't stop thinking about your traumafession! I would like to share one of my own personal bogey monsters. A creature that crawled out of the mists of my not fully formed brain and whose creation can only be blamed on me. Her name was MARY WOLF and I was quite sure she had committed herself to my destruction. Her name was derived from my misunderstanding of an overheard conversation about the comic MARY WORTH. (Why someone should be discussing MARY WORTH and not APARTMENT 3-G I'll never know!) At first she was an actual wolf, but later I remember there was a picture on the cover of an old children's encyclopedia of an African mud mask with straw hair that I was convinced was the demon's true image captured. In any case, she didn't come from an R-rated movie, she did not spawn from a creepy commercial or song or from anything that I was exposed to that I should not have been. MARY WOLF (or is it MERRY WOLF?) came from me. When cars drove past our house at night they'd shoot squares of light across my bedroom ceiling. I imagined all of those blocks of light were road signs and warnings that read "BEWARE OF MARY WOLF!" and "GO BACK NOW!" I just wanted you to know that she has lived in an iron cage in the back of my brain until headless Indy sprung her free early this morning. I hope they are not planning to team up!

The Island (1980)

Posted on By unkle lancifer


For a film that I do not often think about, I sure have a long and varied history with THE ISLAND, a 1980 wannabe-actioner based on a novel by JAWS scribe PETER BENCHLEY. The first time I saw it, my father took me and my brothers to go see it in the theater. I was about the same age as the young boy in the film and I remember absolutely loving the flick as a violent, forbidden spectacle that fanned my adolescent running away and joining the circus fantasies. The next time I saw it, I was in my early twenties and I hated it. I thought it was trash and I wondered what I was thinking as a lad. Now, after watching it once more as a theoretical adult, I have to say that early twenties me was a pretentious poser who wouldn't know fun if it karate chopped him on the neck! MICHAEL CAINE stars as a delightfully lenient dad (nudie mags and a gun are allowed for his 12-year-old son) who just happens to be trying to solve mankind's greatest and most relevant natural mystery, that of the dreaded Bermuda Triangle! (I cannot get enough of the Bermuda Triangle). What he finds instead is a bunch of crazy pirates who like to plant axes into tourists' skulls and swipe their luggage. CAINE's son is brainwashed and groomed to become one of the pirates, thanks to his excellent marksmanship and CAINE himself is kept on a leash and used for breeding purposes. It's all as insane as it sounds, and is probably one of the few examples of a big budget exploitation flick. I agree with 20-year-old me that it's all pretty stupid, but 12-year-old me was smart enough to be satisfied watching literally dozens of men machine gunned down in an awesome climax that would become a video game staple 20 years later. My one complaint is that the actual pirates look like crap. Maybe this was the director's lone unwanted nod toward reality, but they are a sickly, toothless lot that look like they could be swept away with a large feather duster. (Saving CAINE for "breeding" purposes is a bit sketchy too). Maybe I've read too many matchbook covers, but I thought pirates looked less like Tippy the Turtle and more like this exquisetly butch "DRAW ME!" specimen…


Anyway, as a kid not only did I covet the exciting lifestyle of CAINE's son who gets to murder people while pretending to be brainwashed and will never be acountable for his actions, but I was also very much fascinated by this girl…


Her parents were murdered in front of her eyes and now she operates as a decoy! She poses as if she needs help and then when someone tries to aid her, the pirates come out and slit their throats. I know it sounds sick, but I think that this is the best job ever! All she has to do is sit there and do a creepy smile once and awhile!

The most laughable scene in the movie happens when the pirates invade a boat of coke smugglers and come face to face with a BRUCE LEE impersonator who wears his shirt tied up around his waist like Mary Ann from GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. Something tells me this guy was in line to host DANCE FEVER right after DENEY TERRIO and ADRIAN ZMED. This is a full two years before the famous superfluous karate scene in PIECES and really has to be seen (and heard) to be believed…

I swore long ago that I would never use the phrase "So bad it's good," so I'm not going to start now, but make no mistake THE ISLAND is super-fantastic-awesome-genius if you take it with a very large grain of sea salt. If you're lucky, it can also make you feel like you're a 12-year old kid again.

And as for my 20 year old self, good riddance I say. What kinda ingrate thumbs his nose at a movie that is kind enough to throw this lovely image at the viewer in the first ten minutes?

Traumafessions :: Eric a.k.a. FilmFather on the Legacy

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The setting: A gathering at my aunt's house, circa 1979 (I'd be about 10). As I walk through an empty living room, I come across THE LEGACY playing on the TV (HBO, I guess). It's a rather weak horror film about 6 people drawn to an old British mansion where they are killed off one by one by nasty deaths: a swimmer drowns when the pool won't "let" her resurface, a man's shotgun backfires in his face, etc.

But the death I stumbled onto that fateful evening was a Trauma-Scene in three parts: First, the older man of the group in the mansion dies when the fireplace near him blows a gust of flame that consumes his body. Then, we see one of the mansion's workers dump a bag of the man's steaming, charred remains on the grounds outside. And then, after SAM ELLIOT (I think) escapes a pack of rottweilers chasing him on the mansion grounds, the dogs double back and EAT THE REMAINS OF THE MAN in sloppy, gnawing, big-dog chomps.

Thanks for letting me get that out.

UNK SEZ: Eric Thanks for that traumafession. You are correct that was SAM ELLIOT running away from those dastardly pooches! I myself will always remember the T.V. ad for THE LEGACY which showed a creepy old hand coming out from behind a curtain in a sick room and forcing a ring on KATHERINE ROSS' finger! You're right though, the movie as a whole is a bit dry and lackluster. No matter, as long as it has at least one trauma-scene that's good enough for us and you found several! By the by folks, Eric's blog FilmFather is a great resource for dad's looking to make sure their own kids don't get too traumatized by what they watch (Hey wait a minute, should we really support that?!!). Check out FilmFather HERE.

Trauma-Scene :: Garfield: His Nine Lives

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Et tu Garfield? In the 1988 television special based on the popular 1984 book GARFIELD: HIS NINE LIVES, we are, for the most part, delivered what we have come to expect from the ornery orange feline: wise-cracky humor that's about as deep as a lasagna tray. It's important to note that before becoming a corporate tool, the bug-eyed Garfield was snarky and sarcastic way before it was considered hip. Back then it was called being "a jerk" and most kids felt a fondness for the guy for voicing (through telepathy) his unwarranted repulsion toward his loving owner and caretaker. As in the book, the television show reveals Garfield's previous lives throughout the centuries and it actually goes so far to suggest that he was not only once a caveman, but also a jazz playing court musician.

As if this propagation of disinformation was not enough, the seventh life of Garfield seems to have been created solely to traumatize any straggler children who were smart enough to pass up seeing PLAGUE DOGS. The story opens with the cat being given experimental shots in a government science research facility.  Apparently the sight of the obnoxious Garfield as we know him being dissected is not traumatic enough, so through the magic of animation he is transformed into a Disney-esque kitten. We never do get to see his innards though because the about to be mutilated kitty smashes through a glass window and escapes (a feat that my own beloved cat Gato Malo can tell you (telepathically) is impossible after many failed attempts!) After hitching a ride on a helicopter and swimming across a stream, the plague cat suddenly suffers every cat's worse nightmare of indignity; due to the experimental drug in his body, he morphs AMERICAN WEREWOLF-style into a dog!!! Not just any dog mind you, but a dog with glowing eyes! This would be a perfect time for the filmmakers to stage a cathartic bloody revenge scenario, but satisfying the viewer is the last thing on their minds. Hapless kiddie viewers are left with the image of a likely possessed dog, a bounty of lingering questions, and a severe case of the creeps.
Watch the horror HERE.

P.S. The ultimate blasphemy is yet to come. By this show's conclusion it is revealed that God himself is a feline when Garfield finally kicks the bucket! It is also outrageously suggested that our lord and savior is gullible enough to be fooled into not only giving Garfield an additional unearned nine lives but also awarding Garfield's tag along non-cat friend Odie nine lives as well. How this got on the air, I will never know. I am lighting up a torch and forming a mob as we speak…

Kinder-News :: Jim Henson Continues Posthumous Reign Of Terror

Posted on By unkle lancifer

JIM HENSON LA CHOY CHOW MEIN NOODLES

Who is this dragon and why is he such a demanding, loud-mouthed bully? Sources say repeat traumatizer JIM HENSON is directly responsible for his existence. You'll have to visit CARRIE WHITE BURNS IN HELL for ACTUAL FOOTAGE of this destructive beast in action as he brow beats a clearly mortified mother who fears for her child's safety into buying LA CHOY CHOW MEIN NOODLES. While you're at CARRIE's pad, do yourself a favor and ignore her dirty pillows and take a gander at the awesome KILL BABY KILL lobby cards instead… they go great with Chow mein! JUMP TO CARRIE

kill baby kill lobby card

Name That Trauma :: Reader Amanda on "A Kids' Book Where Bears & Crocodiles Attack Royals!"

Posted on By unkle lancifer

name that trauma!

I have a story about a book my mother bought at a yard sale when I was a kid. It was a fairy tale story that started innocently enough, with a king and queen having a wedding anniversary. They both want to give each other gifts, so the queen hires a hunter to kill a bear and she makes a fur cloak out of the bear's fur. The king kills a crocodile and has a purse made out of it. The big anniversary party arrives and everyone in the kingdom shows up to watch the gift exchange. The king loves his cloak, the queen loves her purse. THEN…all of a sudden, the king starts choking because his cloak has come to life and is crushing him with bear arms. Meanwhile, the queen is being swallowed whole by her crocodile purse. I wish to stress this was a picture book. Meaning there was a full page illustration of the king being crushed into a pulp, and the queen's lifeless foot hanging out of her purse in a puddle of blood.

After my Mom saw this, she threw it out, but its memory remains. I guess the author was trying to make some commentary about killing animals for fashion, but he could have used a medium that wouldn't result in years of nightmares for little children. I have never been able to find that book again, even on the Internet. I remember being totally horrified, but liking the story up to that point. I used to read it and skip over the bad pages before my Mom saw it. If anybody knows the title of this book, or the author, could you let me know?

UNK SEZ: What a stumper! I have no idea what book this may be and let me tell you, I have looked high and low. How about you readers out there, does this vengeful animal tale sound familiar to you? One thing is for sure, anyone who read this book as a child will remember it! It certainly makes me think twice about buying that raccoon hat I've had my eye on all summer! Please leave a comment or email us at kindertrauma@gmail.com if you can help our dear friend Amanda!