Year: 2009
Traumafession By Proxy :: Kinderpal Mickster on Super Naturals
I have been searching several years for a commercial that traumatized my nephew when he was three years old. It was for hologram action figures called Super Naturals. As you will see in the commercial, a kid rips his head off to reveal a glowing wolf-man face. Poor Zac would run screaming, "Kid pull his head off!" to his bedroom. I wonder if other children were traumatized by this commercial?
Traumafessions :: Reader Propagatrix on The Devil & Daniel Mouse
I was nine when this was shown on T.V., and it's been stuck in a dark recess of my brain ever since. As one of the comments [on Youtube] points out, "It's PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE" for kids. (With JOHN SEBASTIAN, even!)
UNK SEZ: Thanks Props! I'm surprised nobody has brought this one up before, back in the day they used to show it on Halloween. THE DEVIL AND DANIEL MOUSE, like most things with the Devil in it, gave me some creeps as a kid too. Based on THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER, this Faustian mouse tale got revamped for the big screen in the form of ROCK AND RULE (It also bears a striking resemblance to the cult musical THE APPLE!) How frickin' cool is DEVIL AND DANIEL MOUSE? So cool that it was sampled for the BAUHAUS song Party of the First Part!
Traumafessions :: Reader Riccardo on David: The David Rothenberg Story
I was scared for life by the T.V. movie DAVID: THE DAVID ROTHENBERG STORY.
Very cruel & scary movie.
JOHN ERMAN (director), 1988, with BERNADETTE PETERS and JOHN GLOVER.
UNK SEZ: Ugh! Why'd ya have to go and remind me of the feel-bad television movie of the century Riccardo? A father setting his son on fire and burning over 90% of his body? Of course, something so mind-boggingly heinous has to be based on a true story and guess what? Dad spent all of SIX years in jail!
Don't feel bad, American judicial system, you're new; I'm sure you'll iron out all of those little kinks one of these centuries!
Name That Trauma :: Reader Matt on a Mirror Monster
Hello,
Here's another one for ya: I remember that there's a bunch of people in some kind of building and there's this pointy-headed green monster that's only seen in mirrors (Although I think it's seen walking through a cloud of smoke at the end.) I also remember a scene where a black guy is pulled by an invisible force up into a ceiling fan where he's presumably chopped to bits. I think there's also a scene where a chick gets killed while taking a bath.
Any thoughts as to what this could be?
UNK SEZ: A pointy headed green monster, death by ceiling fan and a chick gets killed in a bathtub (by snakes?). Sounds to me like you are talking about 1987's THE OUTING also known as THE LAMP!
Kindertrauma Funhouse: Doing Time At The Overlook
With winter approaching I am now planning my annual trip to the Overlook Hotel. One thing I've learned not to bother packing is my concept of time. Can you put the below images from THE SHINING in the correct order as they occurred in the film? (For example: 1=K) There, I've gotten you started ( 2-11 are yours to do.), now I must go and finish my novel; it's about how all work and no play makes ya kinda dull…
If you don't know guess! One random commenter is going to win a Kindertrauma goodie box filled with 2 DC comics (House of Mystery & Victorian Undead) 2 DVDs (SAMURAI PRINCESS and the Aussie vamp flick THIRST and the coolest prize of all, a size large T-shirt from the kick-ass movie FRAYED!!! (Check it out HERE.)
Prove you still have some of your marbles left and start piecing together what happened when… NOW!
Horror Movies For Thanksgiving!
Thanksgiving is no Halloween. Hell, Christmas is even cooler than Thanksgiving. Halloween has ghosts, monsters and mayhem; Christmas has, if you play your cards right, gifts that may include DVDs of movies that involve ghosts, monsters and mayhem. What does Turkey Day have? Getting together with fellow humans and gorging yourself on food?…Blech, lame with a capital whatever.
(Note: Please do not offer up football as a way to entertain myself on this day, call me BETTY WHITE but I'd rather drink a mason jar full of thumbtacks than watch a sport that allows (and pays) a convicted dog torturer to participate. Burn in hell Michael Vick!)
Due to its general sucky nature nobody makes good horror movies about Thanksgiving. There's BLOOD FREAK and 1981's HOME SWEET HOME, but one stars a mutant turkey and the other stars JAKE "Body By Jake" STEINFELD; nobody knows which idea is less beguiling. I know ELI ROTH made that snazzy trailer about a Thanksgiving slasher movie but (between you me and the lamppost) like much of what ELI has to offer, it's far too minimal in length to truly satisfy.
With Thanksgiving you have to get creative and as always, being creative involves rejecting reality outright. None of the following movies actually revolve around Thanksgiving per se but, if you squint your eyes, stand on your head and drink plenty of moonshine, these ten films just might get you through the turkey of all holidays.
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974)
I have the tendency to put not only this movie; but this particular dinner scene into just about every list I have ever concocted and here I go again. They're not exactly chowing down on green bean casserole here, but I bet YOUR family is starting to look pretty damn good to you right about now. Well, most of them anyway.
TROLL 2 (1990)
I don't recommend that anyone reenact this scene that involves a child urinating on the family dinner table, but it is empowering to know that we all have the power to bring din-din to a grinding halt any time we want to if need be.
AMERICAN GOTHIC (1987)
More weirdoes to make your family look normal! If you have an adult child still living at home watch this flick and take heart that at least they aren't a psychopathic murderer…yet!
STAGEFRIGHT (1987)
I'm reaching here, reaching like Aunt John for the last drumstick even, but besides crazy musical numbers, this Italian production has a guy in a giant owl costume killing people. Now, an owl is certainly not a turkey, but it is a bird and revenge is revenge. Now that I think of it, why not watch HITCH's THE BIRDS (1963) to boot (or perhaps hoot).
HORROR HOTEL(1960)
Pilgrims! They may have been famous for cooking birdies in the 1500's but what they really loved roasting up in the 1600's were outspoken women, people with red hair and anybody who stared at them a second too long. Innocent people were actually preferable to burn than witches ‘cuz innocent people would not wait centuries to come back and bitch slap your decedents!
CROWHAVEN FARM (1970)
More of those scary buckle booters! Not to be outdone by witches, the Pilgrims of this seventies television movie travel through time to extract their own revenge…copycats!
SCALPS (1983)
This FRED OLAN RAY movie may almost be as bad as the already mentioned HOME SWEET HOME & BLOOD FREAK, but it has a killer Indian in it and that's good enough for me. What better way to celebrate the holiday than with a good scalping! (Now that I think of it, why not watch WILLIAM LUSTIG's MANIAC (1980) as well.)
RAVENOUS (1999)
I dig this underrated oddity, is there any movie like it? We're in the 1840's now and there may not be any Thanksgiving to be found here, but there is definitely some serious eating going down and nobody has to suffer the effects of tryptophan! (How about a double feature with 1993's ALIVE?)
ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES (1993)
While suffering summer camp Addams' Wednesday and Pugsley are forced to participate in a mind numbingly vapid (and very unseasonal) Thanksgiving play. Viewing their brilliant off-script sabotage of the production is the closest I have ever been to wanting to have children of my own…
THE SHINING (1980)
STEPHEN KING may have been talking about being a bad drunk daddy in his classic novel but KUBRICK seems to have had a sharper axe to grind. (In fact, KUBRICK switched the novel's weapon of choice, a roque mallet, to an axe.) Although the focus on twisted family dysfunction would be enough to recommend this stone cold classic for Thanksgiving Day viewing, let's not forget that our favorite haunted hotel is built on an Indian burial ground…
In fact, many have read the film's multiple references, both visual and audio (That scary tribal wail and that creepy rattling sound!), as clues that , what was really on KUBRICK's chopping block (what was really haunting the Overlook), was the blood red harvest of imperialism and the conscious denial of mass genocide (Thanksgiving!).
Sure, there are some people that will say that even though KUBRICK hung native American artwork in the lobby, turned every Calumet baking soda can (which features an Indian cheif) in the hotel pantry face front and then dated that final photo of Jack Torrence "July fourth", that all such interpretations are spurious…those "some" people are called white people.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Wait! There's more!
SPECIAL BONUS PICK: EYES OF FIRE (1983)
Besides CROWHAVEN FARM this film is the only one here not currently available on DVD. I watched it about twenty years ago and although it's a cheapie it really got under my skin. Frontier folk (circa 1750), witchery and avenging Indian spirits swirl around in a sometimes hard to decipher mesmerizing brew. I've dusted off my VHS tape and plan to give it another viewing this Thanksgiving Day. Watch the clip below to get an idea of what I'm happily subjecting myself to; it's the anti-Macy parade!
Traumafessions :: Reader Little Fox on Silkwood
It's not a horror movie. It was a political statement docudrama. The name of the movie was SILKWOOD and the shower scenes… still…. ::shudder::
SO here's what it is. A woman is working in a nuclear facility of some kind. All the workers exit through some sort of radiation detector (I've since seen these at a medical research facility I worked at.) Well, it goes off and she is carried away to a shower room where she is scrubbed raw by what I can only imagine was some sort of Brillo pad on a long stick. The whole time she's screaming her poor little head off.
I hope I'm not the only one who remembers this…. It's freaked me out forever.
UNK SEZ: You are not alone Little Fox! Every time Silky would go through that radiation detector I would grit my teeth! That gal got scrubbed!
NOTE: The SILKWOOD trading card is courtesy of THE AUTOMATIC LIFESTYLE DISPENSER; find more "Improbable movie trading cards" HERE!
The Cottage
What would happen if you made a movie that was a ransom/heist comedy for an hour and then became a gory slasher movie for the last half hour? If you ask me, then you have just made a movie that is really boring for an hour and then only becomes good for the last half hour. Folks, have I ever introduced you to my friend THE COTTAGE? Yea, he's not funny or interesting unless he's in the mood and it takes him forever to get in the mood and then as soon as he gets in the mood he has to split. Sounds like a real blast right? It's not that I only have love for slasher movies; I love all kinds of movies with the absolute exception of any movie that involves a heist gone wrong (DOG DAY AFTERNOON being of course, the exception to the rule.) I don't care about your bag of money and I don't care that your bag of money is full of tissues and not money. Maybe these movies appeal to those who spend their days daydreaming about stealing bags of money. My private fantasies would probably be better served by watching 2012.
The sad thing is, if you watch the deleted scenes on the DVD you come to the exasperating conclusion that once upon a time they had a whole movie here until somebody decided that the action should start at precisely the same moment people are walking out of the theater or reaching for the remote. Don't be thinking that poor Unk does not get British humor and therefore this one flew over his head either, because that's all kinds of wrong. Unk put the "feel ya" in Anglophilia and shoots Bovril out of his nostrils for everything from BENNY HILL to SEVERANCE (and is currently in love with PULLING.) I think FRENCH AND SAUNDERS impersonating BANANARAMA is the height of comedy so that ain't it. This one just really missed my funny bone by a country mile. I guess I don't even care if your bag of money has pounds in it.
If it seems I'm being a bit rough with THE COTTAGE it is only because when it makes an effort it really works. That last half hour is a GOOD movie. The gory slapstick comedy IS amusing and there is actual tension and you care when certain characters are off-ed. I guess what I'm feeling is the frustration of knowing that they had what it took and decided to be coy and stingy with it for as long as humanly possible. It's sort of like when you break up with somebody and then they go out of their way to be the exact person you were begging them to be the whole time you were going out with them. It's too MUCH rather than too little too late and now I just want THE COTTAGE like any and all exes, to walk into the nearest open manhole.
I may try this one again in the future, it may be a less aggravating experience if I go into it with the knowledge that I'm not going to be completely rebuffed by film's end. In fact, now that I think of it there's nothing stopping me from cutting away the fat and starting the flick an hour in. That kidnapping gone awry crap might be ace nail filing time but there are moments in THE COTTAGE that really do impress. As a whole it doesn't really work but it does showcase the creepiest yellow kitchen I have ever seen in my life, not exactly your money's worth but not a bag full of tissues either.
In Memorium:: Edward Woodward 1930-2009
UNK SEZ:: EDWARD, you had no equal(izer)! Watch the full Maypole scene from THE WICKER MAN over HERE!
